Struggling with husband's cancer diagnosis after years of unequal parenting

[aponyatblackbirdcottage]

I met DH in 2018; we became parents at the very end of 2020 and got married in 2022; our DD was born a year later. So we’re now over five and a half years into having children: DS is six in December and DD was 3 last month.

In that time DH has not really been very hands on. He’s married to his job really. He doesn’t do their baths and stories or tidy up while I do, he just sits there while I sort the children then the house. He doesn’t get up with them at night if they wake or in the morning if they wake early. Even if he does do something it’s been instigated and sorted by me and he just doesn’t seem to think he has to do anything. So for instance he used to take ds to his swimming lesson on a Saturday morning. I’d get DS’s swimming stuff ready, he just had to take him. Then he’d say something like ‘oh, you didn’t pack DS’s goggles’ - it just didn’t occur to him that he could have packed his goggles.

I am sure I wasn’t blameless. I was working three days a week after maternity leave with dd and became increasingly resentful. It was very hard having both children home on my days off and I felt very alone. DH never took them to the park for a couple of hours. Sometimes he’d take one (usually the older one) and make out that was a favour.

Anyway, I did seriously consider ending the marriage but money was a big issue and I didn’t want to disrupt the children or be a part time mum. I also kept thinking if I could get through until both children were at school I could have a couple of days a week for me and they’d be a bit older and more independent and things would be better generally.

DH then started complaining of pain this year and I didn’t pay much attention at first but he does have cancer. We’re waiting on biopsy results.

He is genuinely in huge amounts of pain and I feel awful for him. Despite all I’ve said above I do care about him as the father to my children and someone I said sacred vows too and meant, but if I’m being really honest I am finding it hard to feel any sense of impending personal loss or grief. Which does make me feel the marriage was maybe not in a good place.

So now … DH can’t walk far. He is only able to sit on a specially adapted chair, which is in the main living area of the house. (Please don’t suggest we move it; we can’t.) He is insisting on working throughout, and holds teams meetings on the chair with the children gambolling about because it’s school holidays. Obviously this isn’t practical at all so I’m having to have them out all the time. I am exhausted as a result, and so so fed up.

I know this is a terrible thing to say but I’m so worried about life looking like this for the foreseeable. DH cured would be one thing but in all honesty this does not look likely. DH dying is awful and I don’t want to wish this on us. But this half life, where our home is no longer a sanctuary but a place or stress and anxiety and an office as well is just a nightmare. It really affects the children having DH there but ignoring them and just frowning at his laptop, which affects behaviour.

It will probably drag on for years like this and as it does I’m losing my children’s childhoods and my mind! I can’t just leave of course. I don’t know what to do.

My Mum literally just died after nine months of a very debilitating and painful illness which was even worse than the OP's husband is suffering and not once did she behave like he is, because she wasn't an awful person.
I reserve my kindness for the OP. Her husband does not have a free pass to be awful to her just because he is dying. He should care about her and his kids.

You must be so frustrated with the set up now especially as it is a choice. I agree he is hiding away in his work.

Come September when the children go back to school is he happy for full time after school for both? I am worried his expectations will be you pick them up in your non working days and take them out every evening!
I hope you both get some clear answers soon and can make plans as needed.

Is it your GP providing the pain management? Ask for a referral to the palliative care team. It is literally their job to manage symptoms and provide support to you all. Sorry you're having such a tough time.

Metastatic bone cancer (bone mets) as a result of a primary cancer which is unknown have quite a defined pathway usually, but this is something which your husbands medical team should have discussed with you both, regardless of awaiting biopsy results. PET scan, octreotide scan or other imaging may also have been ordered, to locate the primary if possible. Either way, it's an exhausting path and I wish you both strength. I'd also repeat other posters advice and recommend you contact McMillan straightaway.

You need to discuss with his team but his symptoms of not being able to walk much and not able to climb stairs, a lot of pain, not getting tested until in agony suggest it is very advanced and could well be in his spine. The people I have known like this have died shortly afterwards in a lot of pain. I don't think he is being horrible, I think he is dying.

I would literally do nothing and give the domination of space no thought. If he wants to dominate your open plan living space then fine but l wouldn’t be 24/7 policing or silencing the children. Let them frolic through his Teams calls, it’s their summer as well as yours. It sounds like he was a selfish dickhead before and now he’s a selfish dickhead but with cancer 🤷‍♀️. Clearly with him his “get out of jail free / not parenting his own children” is work and is still playing it as hard as he can. It’s clear where his priorities lie

This. He’s rather unpleasant. Plus wasting his limited time being a dick

@aponyatblackbirdcottage it doesn't matter if he's the worst man in the world or a veritable saint. You don't have to justify your feelings. Feelings are irrational and as you've correctly identified, this isn't about the cancer. This is about the fact that you hung on in there in your children's earlier years, thinking that as they got older everything would be easier, and now your DH, who didn't make things easy when the kids were tiny, has a really good reason to make things hard now.

I don't have advice that you'll want to hear or can use - you've made it really clear that you can't change things practically. But I just wanted to say that it's ok. It's ok to feel angry, let down, disappointed, irritated, trapped, and taken for granted.

It's also ok to be moaning bitterly about your situation but not doing anything to change it. If you've weighed up the options and ruled out suggestions that might make things easier for you because you couldn't cope emotionally/morally, that doesn't mean you deserve your unhappiness.

Sometimes the only options are bad options. Accepting that is ok.

OP I’m a nurse. In the circumstances you describe for your DH, I would honestly expect he won’t live long. Of course I could be wrong but in my experience I would expect him to die sooner rather than later.

I expect you will know quite soon what the situation is, at which point you two can make plans going forward.

I hope things get better for you, whatever that looks like. Sending love and strength 🩷💪

Sending you love and hugs in this crappy situation. You sound like a fantastic mum, but you’re only human. Please look after yourself 💝💐, accept whatever help you can get. Keep posting and ignore the bullies.

What does his Oncologist say about his prognosis? He should have a Palliative Care Team in place. So sorry you are both goinf through this.

Hello. You can't help how you feel and it's easier to say on here than in rl where you'll most likely be judged when they won't know the whole story.
I spoke to Macmillan today. Just one number to ring and press option 3 to speak to a nurse. They were really helpful and always listen whenever I've rung them. They don't judge. Could you not ring from the garden? Or from the car if you have one?
Haven't read the whole thread. Just wanted to say that's it's worth speaking to someone to get some sort of emotional support. Sounds really tough. Sorry you're going through this.
Edited for spelling error.

Because it is extremely selfish.

You must be a saint because I would have exploded at him by now. Above all, I would be reminding him that he has children who should matter one hell of a lot more to him than his job. His employer is allowing him to work very little. So why is he working more?

Why do you and his DC seemingly not matter much to him?

I am sorry if this is too tough to read, but you would not be in any way unreasonable to spell this out to him.

And I would not be taking the DC out all the time. I would tell him that they will be in the living room at 3-6 and that he has to accept that.

So why on earth is he spending what time he has left working when his employer is fine with him doing a tiny token amount?

You need to advocate for the DC, he needs to be told that the DC need and deserve some attention from him, they feel rejected by him, he is emotionally harming them.

He also needs to provide money for you to take them out. Sick people can be real dicks including terminally ill ones.

Because he's in denial and he probably isn't doing much work. I have had cancer and seen lots of people die from it, it's quite different dying at 40 to dying in old age knowing you will never see your kids grow up. I am shocked how little empathy there is for him but it's the relationships section of Mumsnet. He could well be dead in 2 weeks but no excuse on MN.

OP I'm so sorry for this situation. It must be awful for you. My advice is have the conversation with him. Even if he doesn't listen and is a massive pain in the arse about it. You need to tell him. You need to tell him you are feeling upset and angry and hurt about how many years he has let you carry the load with the kids, and that is making it hard for you to support him now when you know he needs it. Tell him you are worn down and don't know how to balance all of the different people's needs you are trying to meet. Tell him you need him, now, finally, to engage with the children bwfore he is gone and will never have been the father he should have been to them. If you don't feel able to day it write it down.

The fact that you haven't been able to say all this is causing you to not feel sad now - most likely on some level you hate him because he was hopeless before, now in all likelihood he is going to die soon and leave you with two kids to raise alone, and he can't even be bothered to show enough care for his kids now in his last weeks or months to prioritise you over his work, even now. And of course there will also at some level be grief for him, for your children, for the life partner that you will lose who always had the potential at some point to be a great dad and partner but now no longer will be able to be. You see a lot of people who grieve for the partner or parent they wanted to have, for the loss of potential, rather than the loss of who they were.

Be kind to yourself. Accept that you have these feelings and that that is ok. Accept you will have to tell a dying man how you feel in order to support him and your kids in the best way you can. In the meantime I recommend the Calm app - it has lots of soothing music and storied on it which can help you find momentary peace at least. Do go for therapy too.

Also just to say my advice on telling him - that isn't because he should be punished or doesn't deserve empathy for his horrible situation. It is because you resenting him will hurt all of you including him. Much better to have tie conversation, while you can, and then you will almost certainly feel in a better position to be his emotional support and your kids support. You are currently bearing too much to do that.

How insensitive!

Op my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 Cancer with mets and given 3 months to live. At the time she was suffering with fatigue and struggling to eat but was still up and about and never actually left her job until after diagnosis. I absolutely could not believe she had three months.

I took time off work, split caring for her with my sister day on/day off and my dh cared for our (much older) children when I wasn't there. She was the least selfish person, showed concern for us etc.

Life felt like it was in limbo, the stress of those weeks waiting for a diagnosis was horrible, it felt like it would never end and time dragged on.

All this to say, if I had been in your position as you are now I can absolutely believe I'd be feeling the exact same as you are. You are allowed to feel the way you are feeling in this situation. It sounds so very difficult

Are your inlaws near to you, are they supportive and can you be honest 2ith them you're struggling being out the house all day, every day. Could they take the children and give you a break or could you even take them there some days or would that not work for you?

You may need to be prepared for his work asking/telling him to stop and putting him on long term sick, and think about what that will mean for family dynamics. He may be valuable to them but his illness and medication is likely to lead to increasing difficulties and ineffectiveness. Many years ago (in the days when WFH was not feasible) I had a boss who had terminal cancer but insisted on coming in to work. It became horrendous as his health declined and with it his work performance. He would accuse staff of not consulting him or telling him about issues when we had, he was unable to grasp some of the issues we raised and issued decisions that were not sensible. His secretary was regularly in tears as a result of his behaviour. The team finally went to HR and said we could not go on like this and he was stepped down. We all felt huge sympathy for him, as his job meant so much to him, but it was tempered by the impact of the behaviour we had to work with.

OP, you poor woman.
You have my full sympathy.
I cannot get over your empathy and kindness towards such an awful husband and father.
A lazy, selfish father and husband.
Absolutely a Bare Minimum Dad.

You are the definition of a boiled frog to have come to such a place with a man consumed by himself.

It is not the least bit surprising that a man that has failed you so utterly as a partner would behave like this when ill.

I have no advice as I can understand that you do not feel that you can leave.
But this is not a relationship that you will profoundly grieve.
He has let you and your children down completely.
I have so many men and women die from cancer around me in the past 10 years and they did not behave like this.

I wish you strength to somehow bear this awful burden and get through it.

You and your children have deserved so much better.

Don't waste a minute feeling guilty about how you feel.

He is not a good man.
If you weren't so totally a boiled frog, you would be able to say it.

Good men aren't such shockingly selfish husbands and fathers.

Illness does not change that fact.

Stressful because this bothers you? What if you just said calmly it would be much easier for your children if you aren’t working all day, they need to live in their house. I must say hell would freeze over before I took them out all day, I’d just let them play. And work on detaching from dh, sympathy but someone needs to parent the kids. I just think he hasn’t earned all your emotional and physical energy, so he will have to get through this without it. Don’t feel guilty. Try and think objectively. Why is it harder to have the kids at home? Because it stresses you - think of techniques to relax. Because it stresses dh? Too bad, that’s about the choices he’s making.

I'm the situation you describe I think any feelings you have are perfectly valid.it is heart breaking and I'm very sorry that your husband, you and your children are facing this. It's very hard. If I lived near you I would take your children a couple of afternoons a week, do you have friends who could do that ? You need sleep, good food and someone to shoulder your responsibilities for you for a bit.

Yes.