Struggling with husband's cancer diagnosis after years of unequal parenting

[aponyatblackbirdcottage]

I met DH in 2018; we became parents at the very end of 2020 and got married in 2022; our DD was born a year later. So we’re now over five and a half years into having children: DS is six in December and DD was 3 last month.

In that time DH has not really been very hands on. He’s married to his job really. He doesn’t do their baths and stories or tidy up while I do, he just sits there while I sort the children then the house. He doesn’t get up with them at night if they wake or in the morning if they wake early. Even if he does do something it’s been instigated and sorted by me and he just doesn’t seem to think he has to do anything. So for instance he used to take ds to his swimming lesson on a Saturday morning. I’d get DS’s swimming stuff ready, he just had to take him. Then he’d say something like ‘oh, you didn’t pack DS’s goggles’ - it just didn’t occur to him that he could have packed his goggles.

I am sure I wasn’t blameless. I was working three days a week after maternity leave with dd and became increasingly resentful. It was very hard having both children home on my days off and I felt very alone. DH never took them to the park for a couple of hours. Sometimes he’d take one (usually the older one) and make out that was a favour.

Anyway, I did seriously consider ending the marriage but money was a big issue and I didn’t want to disrupt the children or be a part time mum. I also kept thinking if I could get through until both children were at school I could have a couple of days a week for me and they’d be a bit older and more independent and things would be better generally.

DH then started complaining of pain this year and I didn’t pay much attention at first but he does have cancer. We’re waiting on biopsy results.

He is genuinely in huge amounts of pain and I feel awful for him. Despite all I’ve said above I do care about him as the father to my children and someone I said sacred vows too and meant, but if I’m being really honest I am finding it hard to feel any sense of impending personal loss or grief. Which does make me feel the marriage was maybe not in a good place.

So now … DH can’t walk far. He is only able to sit on a specially adapted chair, which is in the main living area of the house. (Please don’t suggest we move it; we can’t.) He is insisting on working throughout, and holds teams meetings on the chair with the children gambolling about because it’s school holidays. Obviously this isn’t practical at all so I’m having to have them out all the time. I am exhausted as a result, and so so fed up.

I know this is a terrible thing to say but I’m so worried about life looking like this for the foreseeable. DH cured would be one thing but in all honesty this does not look likely. DH dying is awful and I don’t want to wish this on us. But this half life, where our home is no longer a sanctuary but a place or stress and anxiety and an office as well is just a nightmare. It really affects the children having DH there but ignoring them and just frowning at his laptop, which affects behaviour.

It will probably drag on for years like this and as it does I’m losing my children’s childhoods and my mind! I can’t just leave of course. I don’t know what to do.

@PermanentTemporary he is a high earner; we probably wouldn’t be entitled to anything other than PIP which we’ve applied for but no decision yet. It may be that when we speak to the doctors they hurry that process along but at the moment we aren’t there.

There is no space anywhere for DD. She left her nursery at the end of July and she starts preschool in September. There’s holiday club for ds but it is very costly and I don’t really want him in it all holiday, to be honest.

The thing with “in sickness and in health” is that you really need your relationship to be in good health to deal with any sickness that comes along.

Stress, of any kind, on an already failing relationship just breaks it.

Are you able to go to marriage counselling?

There’s a lot of things (such as childcare and summer clubs) etc that you’ve said can’t happen, but is that because your husband is refusing to contribute financially to them?

What would happen if you booked them anyway?

It helps other people to know you definitely wrote a thread on this before as a lot of us (myself included) clearly recognise it and that we have already commented our advice, it saves us having to do it again as nothing stuck or helped the first time round. I’m sorry for what you’re going through but you’ve chosen to do nothing about your situation since last time

@OneNaiceSnail i feel the other thread started to fixate quite a lot on the fact DH is working from home and of course it is much, much deeper than that.

It is uncertainty - no one knows what’s happening.

Selfishness - I want to work, I can only work here. So I will, and the rest of you will have to manage around that.

And that’s made me realise that’s what we’ve always done. I don’t even think it’s happened intentionally, but his attitude towards me and the children has become quite difficult to manage and I’ve ignored it because I didn’t want to break up my family and I had nowhere to go anyway, but now I’m faced with having to put up with it it’s very, very hard not to even have leaving as an option.

And of course he used to be away for long stretches of time.

If people can’t contribute anything helpful that’s absolutely, totally fine. I would prefer people not to reply at all than to post things like ‘oh you posted before’ or similar. There is nothing that can be done about this situation; that’s why it is so very bleak. I guess terminal cancer generally is, of course. But it’s not just that.

What would happen if you just let the DC play in the house?
If DH is not happy about it, point out that he doesn’t have to work / he could do it elsewhere in the house / you are too tired to take them out.

It’s very stressful. They get very manic because they are being ignored so scream and shout, barge in on Teams meetings, try to climb on DH, run around and argue and scream. Have I mentioned screaming? They aren’t generally like this when DH is not here.

Oh I imagine, I guess what I was trying to understand was: would your DH get mad at you or would that maybe make him realise that the situation is not sustainable?

For ex, what if you went to the loo during one of his call - hopefully he’ll accept that this is to be expected - and the DC jump/yell/etc around him. Do you think that might help him reach the conclusion that it can’t go on? Maybe it is easier if they realise it by themselves vs hearing it from their wife.

Regardless, I sympathise, I does sound unsustainable.

Even putting him in a situation where he has to say out loud « i want to work here so you all have to adapt » brings an opening to you asking why? Why is he the priority? (And he can’t say it is because he is the breadwinner, as due to his illness he could not work and still be paid)

Do you have parents that are alive and could accommodate you for a bit OP - even a few days? I think if it were me I'd just take the DC and stay with them for a bit, if so. What about your DH? Could he go to his DPs for a bit? Do they have a spare room he could use. Could he take his fucking chair there?

I'd have lost my shit with him long before now. His selfishness and lack of interest in you, your feelings and your DC aren't a function of his illness, they are a function of him and his personality. Honestly, I would end the relationship, because it isn't a relationship - it's just you doing everything and him pleasing himself and that is not a marriage - that's him just doing whatever he wants and his diagnosis providing the perfect 'get out of jail free' card.

If he doesn't change things will change around him.

You sound certain that it's terminal but you dont have biopsy back - what's making you think it's terminal?

What would happen if you didn't go out all day every day with the dcs?
It's completely unreasonable for you to be doing that and maybe by accommodating your DH in this way he is unable to see the consequences of his action (ie insisting on working when he doesn't need to).

From everything you said it sounds like your DH has got his own way a lot.
Do you struggle to stand up to him and/or set and maintain boundaries? I'm not blaming you, just trying to understand why he's gotten away with being so selfish for so long.

I understand the awful situation where someone has cancer but it doesn't automatically mean they are any easier to love.
It's possible to have strong opposing emotions at the same time.

Can you take over upstairs whilst DH is downstairs?

I think many of us are struggling to understand why you are accommodating your husband's behaviour by taking the children out all day.

It's sad he's unwell and in pain but that doesn't change the fact that he is an awful parent and a selfish husband.

You can support him through cancer. You don’t have to support him doing unnecessary work in the living room. I agree with the previous poster - let the stress happen and let it be his stress. Say, “This is why working in the living room doesn’t work” “No, I’m not going out again. You don’t need to work and this is our house too” “tell me at the beginning of the week when you have meetings and I’ll try to work round them, but I’m not changing my plans at the drop of a hat - you don’t need to work”

You need to stop taking sole responsibility for the horse running without friction. It’s his responsibility too. He hasn’t been accommodating of you, you don’t need to accommodate his unreasonable demands. Save your emotional energy for cancer related, rather than work related issues.

Gosh I can see DH being exactly like this if he got a cancer diagnosis. Married to the job. He has been more helpful than your DH over the years but still vastly unequal especially in the younger years and I carry a lot of resentment for it. So can imagine how you are feeling.

Practical suggestions: can you reorganise the house around him? Move a single bed into the living room and that becomes his bedroom as well as his work space. Kids don’t go in that room. Shut him off in one room basically. At some point he may need to be downstairs anyway I would guess, possibly in a hospital type bed.

Then your bedroom becomes the living room (appreciate this may mean getting rid of a double bed) and you have a single mattress in there that acts as a daybed/sofa in the day. Or if kids have separate rooms move them to sharing and you take one of their rooms. Whatever works.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. If you have mortgage protection then if his cancer is terminal they will pay off the mortgage

It's ok. I was a bit like that with my dad. I loved him, but yeah, not having him in my life didn't mean much because he wasn't a good man to have around anyway. Miss him occasionally but not the drama, he did a lot of damage to my family. I guess people have to put in order to take out and your husband is no different.

OP, what you're going through is horrible and very very hard and if he is expected not to get better it will get harder. Try and concentrate on you and your children for the most part, try and enjoy having them with you even if out the house a lot. Your husband is getting some comfort from working, it's probably helping him mentally so I wouldn't begrudge that while he is well enough to do so.

Is there any room upstairs that you can make into a play room? Perhaps switch bedrooms around if hubby is pretty much living downstairs? Do you have a garden that you can make some dens with, perhaps a play room outside as the weather is good?

And talk to the GP, macmillian, anyone to help you on an emotional and practical way. Don't be afraid to ask.

You say a cancer diagnosis , but then say you are waiting on the biopsy result .
have you been told it is definitely cancer or been told to prepare for the diagnosis ?
Also have the Drs spoke about treatment and timelines ?
I get you are feeling negative about the situation and throw in,you husband's past behaviours have put you in this position but until the Drs have given you the cold hard facts , I think you are getting ahead of yourself .
treatment has really improved outcomes these days .
Look after yourself .

I remember your other thread, OP - it's such an awful situation and you sound like you're at the end of your tether.

Is there anyone you can go and stay with for a few weeks? Could your husband manage if you went away?

I know your previous post, will work but his adaptive chair can only be in living room and he is not to be disturbed and goes off for naps at off peak family time.

Honestly, you are banging your head against a brick wall....... you cannot compromise with him, you cannot make him communicate with the children. Maybe if he wasnt such a dick before diagnosis you would have more empathy.

I’d let them be kids in their home. If that disturbs his work, so be it.
He’s choosing to work in their home, they’re not living in his office.

I would love him even less if he was choosing to work unnecessarily, rather than spend time with his children, especially in light of his diagnosis.

It’s madness that you are taking them out all day, every day.

I would just stop if I were you. Tell him kids are being kids in their own home. If he doesn’t like it, he can make changes.

Unpleasant people get cancer too and it doesn’t magically turn them into a saint that the people their behaviour has impacted on suddenly feel empathy for and would necessarily be devastated about. I know from experience of this. You feel what you feel, and no one has the right to tell you otherwise because they haven’t walked in your shoes. A look at the Stately Homes thread on here will show why.

Right now, you need to gather a support network around you of your friends and family - try and be open that you desperately need their help if you can. Can you go and stay with anyone or would they have your DC, even if just for a day at a time? Does your DS has school friends whose parents would have him for an extended play date?

Does DH have family and friends too that can visit him to take the pressure off you? Would anyone offer help like batch cook some meals? Would his family/friends talk to him about working elsewhere in the house or paying for sending DD to nursery for the summer, even if only a couple of days a week?

It is totally unacceptable for you to have to leave the house all day very day so he can work in the lounge, so something has to give.

Contact McMillan via their online support forums if you find you can’t get any privacy for a phone call. There are specific forums for families/carers and not just the patients.

The Osbourne Trust can provide days out for children affected by a parent with cancer so have a look at the criteria on their website.

You seem to think this is terminal and will go on for years but you also say you are waiting for the biopsy results; unless I have misunderstood do you think his condition is not treatable? Either way I hope you find comfort and support soon for you all.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's diagnosis and your feelings of despair. Do you, as a family, have savings? This is definitely time to start using them to get the support you need. Your situation sounds terrible op and I think if your marriage is under strain anyway of course you don't feel you can give much at this point. You need to sit down with your husband and tell him that as a family you need to make it so you're both supported. That means paying for things like childcare because otherwise you're going to crack. I think it will be surprisingly common for the partner who is not ill to feel something like hatred for the partner who is ill. I suspect a cancer support counsellor will be very familiar with situations like yours and you should take up the offer of counselling. You need to be assertive with your husband and make it very clear what needs to happen for you to be able to continue to function.

I think you need to say some of what you’ve said here to your DH. Calmly - not angrily - just present the facts - and some binary choices
‘I cannot get through the school holidays without access to this room as the children have nowhere to play and it’s costing me a fortune taking them out’
‘DD needs extra nursery days or we need this room three days a week’
’Could you play a board game/read a story to one of the children for 30 mins and I will do something with the other or could you go for a lie down upstairs’
Ask him what ideas he has to make things work. Ask him for ideas of how you get a break sometime in order to keep doing so much. Ask him what happens if you become so run down you are ill and unable to look after everything for several days.
Does he have any relatives who could help during the summer at all?
It is dreadful that he is so unwell - but he needs you so much that he needs to recognise that and cherish you somehow.

This sounds really hard. But I think you need to accept that there’s not much that can be done to change it for now. And it’s a slog and it’s hard and you’re exhausted but… well there’s no other option. You have to plow through.

I get it, my husband is sick too. I’ve been plowing on for 7 months now and some times I have days where I’m a full cup and I can’t take anything else and I cry and I want to smash things and I’m tired. But life is happening. And we will rest later.