Struggling with husband's cancer diagnosis after years of unequal parenting

[aponyatblackbirdcottage]

I met DH in 2018; we became parents at the very end of 2020 and got married in 2022; our DD was born a year later. So we’re now over five and a half years into having children: DS is six in December and DD was 3 last month.

In that time DH has not really been very hands on. He’s married to his job really. He doesn’t do their baths and stories or tidy up while I do, he just sits there while I sort the children then the house. He doesn’t get up with them at night if they wake or in the morning if they wake early. Even if he does do something it’s been instigated and sorted by me and he just doesn’t seem to think he has to do anything. So for instance he used to take ds to his swimming lesson on a Saturday morning. I’d get DS’s swimming stuff ready, he just had to take him. Then he’d say something like ‘oh, you didn’t pack DS’s goggles’ - it just didn’t occur to him that he could have packed his goggles.

I am sure I wasn’t blameless. I was working three days a week after maternity leave with dd and became increasingly resentful. It was very hard having both children home on my days off and I felt very alone. DH never took them to the park for a couple of hours. Sometimes he’d take one (usually the older one) and make out that was a favour.

Anyway, I did seriously consider ending the marriage but money was a big issue and I didn’t want to disrupt the children or be a part time mum. I also kept thinking if I could get through until both children were at school I could have a couple of days a week for me and they’d be a bit older and more independent and things would be better generally.

DH then started complaining of pain this year and I didn’t pay much attention at first but he does have cancer. We’re waiting on biopsy results.

He is genuinely in huge amounts of pain and I feel awful for him. Despite all I’ve said above I do care about him as the father to my children and someone I said sacred vows too and meant, but if I’m being really honest I am finding it hard to feel any sense of impending personal loss or grief. Which does make me feel the marriage was maybe not in a good place.

So now … DH can’t walk far. He is only able to sit on a specially adapted chair, which is in the main living area of the house. (Please don’t suggest we move it; we can’t.) He is insisting on working throughout, and holds teams meetings on the chair with the children gambolling about because it’s school holidays. Obviously this isn’t practical at all so I’m having to have them out all the time. I am exhausted as a result, and so so fed up.

I know this is a terrible thing to say but I’m so worried about life looking like this for the foreseeable. DH cured would be one thing but in all honesty this does not look likely. DH dying is awful and I don’t want to wish this on us. But this half life, where our home is no longer a sanctuary but a place or stress and anxiety and an office as well is just a nightmare. It really affects the children having DH there but ignoring them and just frowning at his laptop, which affects behaviour.

It will probably drag on for years like this and as it does I’m losing my children’s childhoods and my mind! I can’t just leave of course. I don’t know what to do.

@EnjoythemoneyJane i do think that’s been taken a hit more literally than I meant it (no criticism as others made the same assumption so I wasn’t clear.) I guess what I meant was ‘I’m poor’ in the way you say ‘I am starving’ when you haven’t eaten for a while. My bank account has certainly been depleted but we aren’t at imminent risk of homelessness or anything like that. Financially things will be OK when the inevitable happens.

@anyolddinosaur i do understand what you’re saying but equally people have their own lives and commitments. And my five year old isn’t a particularly easy child.

@aponyatblackbirdcottage I think people often don’t know what would be helpful so I would ask them- don’t be shy about it!

@Twilightstarbright i am on the fence with this, as what I most need help with is childcare sometimes. And as you probably know sometimes childcare is more trouble than it’s worth. I did have a night out on Thursday; very rare but I did. I had a babysitter come and put my children to bed and while she’s lovely and the children like her I came home to the playroom trashed and I still had to prepare milk and pyjamas and get the books they like out and whose toothbrush is who’s and so on. With friends there’s more of that. Plus you have to get them there. And often people don’t want to, they just don’t, and you then have the slightly awkward and uncomfortable ‘oh we’d love to have X but have made plans …’ and I don’t like awkward or uncomfortable so I don’t ask.

But in any event what I need is just impossible at the moment. There are certain logistics people can and do help with (one wonderful friend is having DD Tuesday so I can have a hairdresser appointment and boy I am going to relish in sitting quietly for a while) and then on Thursday I am back at work and another friend is having the children. So some will help but I can’t keep taking advantage of the same peoples kindness.

@aponyatblackbirdcottage please don’t see it as taking advantage, the majority of people would be honoured to help and you need to look after yourself in order to support DH and DC. Haircut and sitting quietly sounds just perfect.

But they aren’t @Twilightstarbright , this is what I’m trying to explain. People are busy and have their own children and their own commitments, which is totally understandable. I can often cobble something together for last minute emergencies but I can’t get ongoing support for things like clashes of hobbies and so on. And these are the logistics I’m going to have to manage.

OP if I had a friend in your situation, I would want to help as much as possible. I hope that you are able to keep asking those that are helping without feeling badly about it. I'm sorry that you're in such a difficult situation, you sound very strong and sensible but I do hope you can get a bit of respite too. Enjoy your hair appointment.

Are his parents actually refusing to help their terminal son and his family? That’s just such odd behaviour? Or do they not know?

@burnoutbabe no. They do help; they are coming here to have the children Friday while I’m working for example and they are well meaning. But it is a lot for them. In a rather horrible twist FIL also has cancer. It is more manageable than DHs seems to be but FIL is older and also has numerous hospital appointments and treatments. MIL has severe hearing loss. So we have to accept their support is limited.

@chipshopElvis i get you think you would because you’re probably lovely person. But while two weeks of coming here to collect ds to take him to football at 9am on a Saturday morning is doable, by mid September you’d be flagging and by October you’d be making excuses and by November we’d both be in an awkward and embarrassing position, I don’t want to do that to my friends last minute emergencies are different or one offs like the hair appointment.

If there are ongoing regular commitments that you struggle to manage then you either call on family or hire someone. The parents can drive a child to football regularly or you find a teenager or college student who is happy to earn a little cash. When they have another commitment you call on friends. You need to have that conversation with your husband now. If that's impossible then your son doesnt go to football practise and you let him complain to his dad.

@anyolddinosaur honestly it’s good … I’m just trying to explain where the new challenges lie. That’s all really. I do know people are trying to help but endlessly telling me to call on friends is just making me feel even more alone because as lovely as many are I can’t think of anyone who’s going to be here every single Saturday morning and I wouldn’t ask them to either.

Would your living room be big enough to turn into a bedroom/office space? And put your living room in your bedroom? I'm wondering if that would be a workable possibility, so that the kids have space to play, but husband still has his needs met?

Chemo without the biopsy results? How would that work

Or equally, you pare things you can't manage back to the minimum. I'm not saying 'no clubs' but keep any that are manageable and local and out the others on pause for now.

I think some of your stress is trying to keep everything the same for the kids. But I'm not sure how doable that is without it affecting your wellbeing even more. I'd focus on the basics of getting through life first.

There will be many times you need to call on friends in the coming months, so I'd save the favours for that if I could.

I think people need to stop giving the OP advice, however well-meant and accept that she just needs a place to vent. We aren't walking in her shoes and have no idea of what's possible for her and her family.

That said...! OP, I would perhaps think about contacting MacMillan. Things might go south faster than anticipated and it might be as well to have them on board.

@Whattheflush to be fair the thread was upped after several weeks and I do recognise people mean well; there is no hint of annoyance or anything. But the conversations are going a bit like this

‘friends will help’
’I’m afraid they don’t’
‘yes they will’
’they won’t, honestly …’
’well I would help! Ask them!’
’they won’t’
‘you’re ignoring our advice!’

And then the thread takes a sour note and I really, really don’t want that to happen!

One friend is having the children on Tuesday and another on Thursday so people will help. But those are one offs. Ongoing commitments are very different and it’s a massive ask for people to come to you every week or whatever and they just won’t. Not because they aren’t good people but because it’s too much.

It’s true we need to adjust what clubs etc the children do but some things like swimming are very important and we also do still need to be out of the house a lot.

I get what you mean about the offers of help from friends. Yes they mean well but there's precious few who'd sign up for an open-ended commitment.
I remember a couple of friends who did just that, coming round to sit with my DH for weeks on end, while I got on with chores or escaped somewhere.
I also remember a couple of occasions where DH's radiotherapy clashed with school pick up and I just couldn't be in both places at once. I'm forever grateful to the friend who stepped up and took the pressure off.
Then there were the friends and family who gave their silent support in the form of listening and gin - awesome.
The point is, we truly appreciate them but the full weight of care still lands on us.

Care and everything else. Parenting, cooking, cleaning, logistics (DD has ballet and ds has football) school uniform ordering, entertaining them, it’s raining tomorrow so indoor places will be booked up so must book in advance, getting out of the house - washed and dressed and teeth and DDs hair and clothes and then the same in reverse at the end of the day!

Sorry @aponyatblackbirdcottage I didn’t want to annoy you and I understand where you are coming from.

FWIW I took a boy on DS’ football team to all football related stuff for months when his mum had cancer. We weren’t friends but it was something I could do to help and I was happy to do it. I offered at the start of the season and said to assume I would do it every week unless she said otherwise.

What crappy luck that FIL has cancer too.

Is there a possibility of paid help with the kids @aponyatblackbirdcottage ? We used to have an after school nanny for our kids when they were littler, and if you could carve out a few hours for yourself a week (just to go for a coffee, or have space to deal with some of the other logistics you’re carrying) you might feel a bit more able to breathe.

I have a friend who is full time caring for her husband, and she has a carer come in for 3 hours a day just so she can get out and have time for herself. It’s saving her sanity - my guess is that a part time carer for the kids might be easier for you to sell to DH than any other sort of paid support (but I understand if you just feel that brings you full circle to where you started from).

I’m really sorry- it’s very tough for you

How are you getting on now are back at work and DCs back at nursery/school? ❤️

Hi OP. I didn't see this thread when it was first posted, I wish I had, but it was on my active feed today. I can't offer solutions or suggestions, but I can offer empathy and solidarity.

I too had a not perfect marriage to a man who did nothing with the two DC and who was very selfish - I was the one doing everything (including working full time) while he was either at work or spending all weekend doing his hobbies. Miserable existence. DH got his first cancer in 2019. Treated successfully. Came back in 2020. By this time his behaviour was so poor I wanted out more than ever but couldn't leave because.....cancer. End of 2020 I was made redundant and was fortunate to get a huge payout as I'd been there so many years. By 2021 even the DC, now late teens were begging me to leave. I now had the means, and the cancer was gone, so me and the DC moved out to rented. Most blissful year ever! Then it all came crashing down. In 2022 his cancer came back, with mets all down his spine, in his neck, pelvis and ribs. A week after diagnosis he was walking the dog and he fractured a vertebrae and henceforth his mobility was kaput. He had no-one to look after him (both his DPs were dead), and I couldn't watch him suffer, so I moved back in to become his carer. Fortunately his PIP was approved super fast (hope yours has been too) and we applied for carers allowance too (which is a pittance). I had to give up work as I couldn't adequately care for him otherwise. DH was working until the almost the end. Just on a laptop, sometimes an hour or two a day. I'm not going to say it was easy. It was the most difficult thing I've done in my life. He was very demanding and towards the end I was getting carer's burnout. The hospice were great - take all the help they offer. We had a professor at ours who did regular acupuncture on DH which he found helped. I attended a couple of counselling sessions there where they allowed me to rant, cry and get things off my chest. I was amazed how long DH lasted. Towards the end he barely ate and was completely skeletal. I kept wondering how his body kept going. From diagnosis in October 2022 he lasted 1 year and 9 months and died in July 2024, by which time the cancer had gone to the lining of his brain.

My primary difference was that my DC were grown when this happened. I can't imagine having to care for small DC at the same time but I get you, and can sympathise with what you're going through. Continue to use MN as a resource for support, but I might suggest you start a thread in the Health section where they have categories for Cancer or one for Life-limiting Illness. I think in LLI there's a thread called Storm (currently Part 4) which is for the partners of people with cancer. You'll find others there going through similar situations who can empathise more with your situation. I wish you all the best.

Have you considered getting a part-time home help? I hired a part-time housekeeper type person who would step in and take over during her hours. She was 60 when I hired her and welcomed the extra money and part time hours which were set as a routine. She took no shit from the kids and was very handy with a duster. Knew her way around the kitchen and baked great cakes too.

Over the years I have also hired student teachers over the holidays.

You cannot do this on your own and you need routine and respite. Your DH will have to suck it up and lump it whether he likes it or not. Let him rage if needs be, and do it anyway.

Regardless of his suffering, he needs to be told in words of one syllable that you are not his slave and he is not the king of the fucking universe. You get a say in what happens, and you are entitled to equal access to financial resources. You have full agency in all decisions that directly affect you.