She’s going to ruin the whole wedding isn’t she?

[princesspadam]

I keep my mother at arms length, she’s always been very selfish and lots of narcissistic traits.
shes just turned 81 and moans about her mobility but still manages to be out for lunch most days and get away on holiday.

my Dd is getting married in London next month and we have to drive from our location. She wanted to come to us ‘for a few days’ first but I put a stop to that as I would have to wait on her.

so ive told her to get the train to london from her location, which she’s not happy about even though we will meet her in off the train

now she’s complaining because I’m going to meet dd at her hotel in the morning, she asked if I would be going back and I said no I’d meet her at the venue (DP & rest of family will walk with her), she’s not happy as ‘there will be no one to help me with my fascinator’

honestly I know she’s going to spend the whole day playing the victim and expecting everything done for her, I would just like to enjoy my DDs wedding as MOB

There’s lots of trains from most midlands stations to Oxford. If she can get there then she can be collected and taken to the venue in style.

DM’s favourite ‘whimsical observation’ is how total strangers are ‘so kind to her, helping her with this, that and the other, yet people she knows, her own family even, can’t be bothered with her’.

Yes, the better people know you, the less they want to help 🤣

Perhaps, but I don't think it benefits the OP to have her mother wandering around at a loose end during the wedding. It sounds as though she needs to be contained.

I’d be nicer to her, she might not be around much longer and you might regret it later 😬

She’s pretty old. Sounds like a tough journey and like she wants to spend a bit of time with you.

Don’t know what the history is but why not try to make things better before you run out of time. Perfect opportunity.

You only have one mum

I don’t think you like your mother that much. Why did you even invite her?

I would look into a companion service - they could meet her at the train, and be her escort/minder. The money may well be spent.

I’m sure she’s an absolute pain in the arse OP but I must admit I’d be quite stressed at getting straight off a train and going to a wedding. Particularly with a fascinator.

Also, I'm not a narcissist but if I were, I would probably miss the train on purpose and cause a fuss being late.

This has really tickled me😭😂

Sounds exactly like my mother and my sister - they’ll do anything to make sure the attention is on them as they just can’t stand for anyone else to be paid attention.
No advice from me, just a lot of sympathy.

Presumably the bride and groom were in charge of invitations and inviting all the family is generally viewed as the right thing to do (regardless of their prior behaviour).

She looking for a moan.

If she can get away on holiday, she can get onto a train - she can pretend it's a holiday! Get a taxi to the station, get on train, get picked up the other end job done.

Unfortunately OP I think it's going to have to be your DP babysitting her, anyone else and she'll likely steamroller through them to make a beeline for you, then bother you with fascinator shit or any other shit that will take you away from your daughter. Your DP should be able to be a little firmer if she's doing that.

"let's find someone to help you with that, OP is BUSY"
"I can sort that out, OP is BUSY"
"That sounds like something the staff here would know, don't bother OP about it she is BUSY"

Can we just stop pretending this is some sweet frail old lady, OP says she gets out and about regularly and I think she knows her own mum better than anyone on here.

OP I’m MOB soon too and my mother is very similar, she did it at my wedding and I won’t be at all surprised if she does it at DD’s for which I will never forgive her - she’s already made a fuss about not being invited to the hen do, since when did grandmothers go to those?!

My advice would be do whatever it takes to make sure you enjoy your daughter’s special day - your partner sounds lovely, if he can take the heat off you let him. People saying you only get one mum need to remember you’ll hopefully only have one chance to see your daughter married and you deserve to have happy memories of the day not stressful ones.

I have and I know from experience what they will do to make it about them. No real advice but I hope it’s not as bad as you anticipate. They always make it about them and you can never enjoy it.

This kind of nails it, really.

I would perhaps try to separate in your mental planning your issues with your DM, and your desire to leave her to it; from recognising that an 81 year old guest will need some support around the arrangements.

It's pointless making it about whether she 'deserves' help: it sounds as though she will need a degree of it. My 82 year old DM is very independent in many respects - travel and so on - but increasingly needs support for smaller things.

I'm familiar with this landscape, btw. I just do A, B and C as needed, and let not one of bit of shenanigans past my surface smile.

You do sound a tiny bit awful OP.

I get that she is a bit of a burden, but she is your mum and lots of 81 year olds would feel daunted about the train etc (not all, but quite a few).

And yes, you and your DSs want to enjoy the day, but I guess she does too.

It sounds as though she is feeling apprehensive. If your DP is good with her, perhaps he can try to take her off your hands.

Can you not make an arrangement to help with the fascinator (she comes early to the venue or similar?)

The bride wants her there. You put aside your feelings and help make it happen.

do you have two mini’s then?

Your dd is going to have to accept the bigger picture on this one. Her grandmother bringing someone along will make everyone’s life easier

Your mum is clearly not unhinged.

Unfortunately, not all mothers should have had children. Some of them do not like their kids. Just because someone is family does not mean you owe them your time.

My mother was a narcissist although not this much of an exhibitionist thankfully. I knew I would never been good enough for her and constantly expected her to love, cherish and support me but it never happened. I stayed in contact with her as she could be ok, but my self esteem is so much better now she’s gone.

@ProfessorofDarkArts if the OP's mum is so dreadful, and such an absolute monster, then why is she invited to her daughter's wedding?

I feel sorry for the woman I do. Must be so horrible to feel like you're a burden and a nuisance.

Hmmm, but I get a bit hesitant about these non-expert diagnoses of narcissist. Often it is just an excuse to be hard on a family member who doesn't have zero opinions or want to just vanish when it would suit.

And what the hell is a 'random plus one?'

It sounds very hard to interact with her. I always recommend Lindsay Gibson's books on emotionally immature parents - it helps to reframe your encounters and essentially expect her to be how she always is, but for you to work out ways to be less emotional to it.

Yes, this. I just posted something similar about narcissist. It's often used as a way of winning a conflict of interest before it has even been considered objectively.

I can’t understand this at all. I’d never expect my 81yo grand mother to sort herself out and travel alone on public transport. But then I specifically invited my grandmother’s best friend to ensure she had fun at my wedding. Guests enjoying the day was my main focus but that seems different to weddings these days where the guests are just inconveniences (luckily not in my family but on mn threads).