Are decent relationship prospects in your forties really this limited?

[munchiefox]

I'm single and somewhat dating in my 40's but its tough. I look at myself and my single friends and either we can't find anyone decent or those that have are accepting literal scraps in terms of the quality of partner just to have someone.

There is an abundance of men with nothing to show for 40+ years of life no qualifications, no savings, no home, no friends. Men with serious issues with addictions such as porn, drink, drugs, gambling and so on, men who are abusive or cheat, men with other debilitating personal situations and habits which make them a liability rather than a viable partner. Essentially men without these liabilities just have more choice and can and do go younger.

Men who are just not emotionally available either because they are avoidant or just after sex or they are still hung up on an ex partner or wife. This is actually a bigger one than I realised as there is actually research showing that men typically do not ever really get over an ex or at least at a far lower rate than women who are more likely to take time out from dating to truly grieve and move on so that their feelings towards an ex become neutral. I think something like 40% of single middle aged men never move on and remain deeply emotionally attached to an ex in perpetuity, another 40% compartmentalise and are able to have another relationship but still on some level pine for their ex and only the other 10 to 20% are able to fully heal and move on in the way most women do. I think this tendency to hold on to an ex emotionally is quite damaging to new relationships, many of us can relate to that feeling of being a placeholder or being swept off our feet only for the man to turn cold when the thrill subsides and he still misses his ex. I am not any man's booby prize.

So not only do you have to sift through those men with nothing to show for themselves, and probably looking to leech off you, move into your home and benefit from your hard work but you have to weed out men with serious issues of all kinds and men who are still in love with someone else and unwilling to do the work it takes to heal but still want a woman to be a placeholder and caretaker. The chances of finding a man like that who you find attractive and have something in common with seems to remote to me.

I know women in my circle with their shit together in every respect who have accepted men with nothing and no one, no savings, living in shared houses with no qualifications or real prospects, none are even attractive. A friend of mine recently moved such a man into her home and now he has his feet under the table he is starting to display abusive and controlling behaviour all while bringing nothing to the table except a bunch of unrealistic ideas for women to support him in. I have to ask myself is being able to post couple photos on social media worth it.

I do think there are good men out there but at this age most of them are married and those who do wind up single are not single for long and rare as hen's teeth.

The pickings are just so slim and problematic for the most part that most women are probably better off single unless you are very lucky and meet that one in a million guy who is mature and at least somewhat healed.

Sadly I think you are right. I have no skin in the game as I swore off men after two failed marriages (8 and 13 years) and then a devastating heartbreak when I was 46. I am now 60 and absolutely cba to bother with men since that last relationship.

My wonderful friends are all divorced and on second marriages they embarked on in their forties.

Friend A has a DH with OCD and a seriously disabled adult DS who will never be able to live independently. He is violent and very dangerous. He lives with them part of the week. My friends adult DD very rarely visits home as a result.

Friend B has a DH who is alcoholic and has incredibly needy and rude adult DC.

Friend C has a DH with a serious disability that means she has had to give up the career she loves to be his full time carer.

Friend D has a DH who is still completely in love with his ex.

I am sure these men all have really strong positive characteristics and that none of them are “abusive” but I would be utterly miserable being married to any of them.

Find a nice 20 something?

@NewGoldFox I've had flings with a few guys in their early 30's which were fun but I'm not sure its something I want long term. I have a theory that younger men these days are so often out paced by their own female peers that they end up feeling more comfortable with an older woman because at least her being older serves as a reason for her success and status over his and he is more comfortable with being provided for by an older woman and dare I say it mother figure. Not always the case but I don't want to be any man's mother figure either!

Well. Yes. I know a few successful mid life partnerings but am conscious that the woman has given more than she got in (almost) every case. Either finances, housing, domestic drudgery, facilitating their lives or caring for their family.

Im at the next stage where I’m a bit bemused why any woman past the age to care about having children would be looking for a man.

To be fair I do know ONE woman who seemed to get a good one. But why even play the game when you already know the odds are stacked?

From someone two decades on. Just don’t bother. It’s risky and pointless. Life on my own is perfect

Decent men are out there though. I found one online and we have been together for a good few years now.

I have a good career, highly qualified, own my own house, have no dependents, travel a lot and I am very fit and active so there is no way I would even consider someone who isn't similar in terms of these aspects.

The beauty of online dating is you can screen people out that don't seem to be the right sort of person for you. You don't even have to get started with unsuitable people.

Any whiff of problematic baggage/addictions/drama etc is a no go as well. I think it's easy to pick up on these signals pretty quickly from people.

My logoc is, I was single in my 40s and had my stuff together and no hang ups/baggage, so there is absolutely no reason why a man wouldn't find himself as together and single in his 40s. I found one within two days of joining a dating site. We aren't exactly the same but complement each other nicely. I have more academic/knowledge type intelligence and he is more DIY/practical. He is more reserved and I am very outgoing. It would be exhausting to go out with someone as energetic and chatty as me 🤣 His life would be very quiet and dull if he went out with someone as quiet as him, but we balance each other out.

I am happy in my relationship, but if something were to happen and I found myself single again, I have every confidence I would meet someone suitable if I wanted to. Even just walking the dog, traveling and going to the gym, you meet people who seem perfectly eligible and who seem interested.

@Lumpycat I have to agree with you, there is a tiny chance you might meet someone decent but in all likelihood if you want a relationship at this age you will be quite literally lowering yourself and your standards just to get a man which seems unacceptable to me. I see quite a few women my age with men they would not have dreamed of dating when they are younger, men no other woman wanted for good reason. A friends current partner was on one of the are we dating the same man pages. A total desperado and hobosexual and yet my friend parades him as if he is catch of the month while knowing we all know what was said about him on that page, that he literally lives off her and expects her to fund his dreams of becoming a successful recording artist at the age of 46 no less! Add to all that he isn't attractive in the slightest. Its so hard to see the appeal.

@PurpleCoo I think you are very typical of women in their 40s the one difference is that you did happen to get very lucky on a dating site which is great for you but it doesn't reflect the reality of what dating online is like for your peers. If you had joined a week later its quite likely a woman much like yourself would have already snapped up your fella and you'd have been left to sift though the rotter's.

I write this all the time on here but studies have proven the happiest section of society are single, childfree women. Marriage shortens and worsens women's lives, statistically and the opposite is true for married men.

Why would any woman want to throw away her happiness and peace to date the absolute dregs that can't find anyone in person who wants to date him? Good men are married, stay married, or can easily find a new girlfriend right away.
(Obviously it's different for single women, since they're often left to raise kids alone or provide carer labour for ageing parents etc. so tend not to be the female equivalent of the men prowling online dating apps)

@munchiefox but I know perfectly eligible single men on dating sites that complain about the quality of the women on dating sites. They also seem to argue that the best ones are snapped up quickly. I think men and women find it equally difficult. Men are quite possibly going on different criteria though and most of the men I know are fit, active, outdoorsy or gym bunny types. I guess if women have dependent children still in their 40s they may not be into the same level of fitness as these types of men, so might not be what they are looking for.

I am also not disagreeing that you have to soft through a lot of chaff to find the wheat! I found men didn't seem to think about what they offered when approaching women. Only what they want. As in highly unsuitable people would approach me, and I had not the foggiest why they thought we would be suited as clearly very different lifestyles and interests. Hence why I though the one where you swipe on men you like and women contact men first was the best app. I suspect some men just swipe on everyone and want to play the numbers game. Women are likely much more selective.

But I do meet lots of couples who have good relationships and seem well suited that meet in their 40s. Obviously you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but that's true of couples who meet at any age.

I am the eternal optimist though and have a very positive outlook

@Naurrr I totally agree, its just a total mismatch for women at all ages. There are literally just far more good, relationship worthy women than men. I think when you are young its a bit of a crapshoot as everybody is more likely to be single, more attractive and less history i.e. men haven't had the chance reveal just how useless they are so they can get a woman if they look nice and seem ok. So you have great women pairing up with guys who turn out to have major issues. I agree also that the women who manage to grab a good one tend to hold on to them so these men don't become single again. I think it's probably even worse for younger generations of women than it was for women my age and older.

I met my husband when I was 21 and have been married for over 20 years. If something happened, no money on earth could get me near any man. The thought of it is horrifying, and would be of literally zero benefit to me or my life.
There are so many threads on here where women are handwringing, distraught, analysing some man instead of simply believing the man's behaviour and moving on. Depressing.

Perhaps but in my experience I'm not seeing it. I know nice guys but I'm not dating them so I don't have to encounter their baggage, their private vices and addictions so for men we don't have that relationship with it's very hard to judge how quality they really are. Men complaining about the quality of women are often complaining about women having standards and boundaries, about women being too picky or full of themselves which is code for having too much self respect to date a loser with a host of serious personal issues or a man who hasn't bothered to heal and properly move on from past relationships.

I do think that men who have their shit together do have a lot of options if they want to date their own age they can and if they want to go younger, even quite a bit younger they can. This is magnified by the lack of good men at all ages to go round.

@Naurrr I agree it isn't even just the pain and suffering caused my men who treat women as a resource to be utilised to their own ends or as a domestic appliance but the endless stories of men drugging and raping their partners, of pressuring them into sex with strangers on swinging sites (not to mention the many men who happily take part even when they know the woman is unwilling), the shocking amount of men with a sexual interest in children.

My father being one of them.
After that news article that showed almost all men surveyed would sexually abuse a child if they were guaranteed to not be caught, I'm surprised so many women still want to allow a man access to their life. 🤢

@Naurrr I'm so sorry that your father was that kind of man. I agree it's a very risky thing for a woman to allow a man into her life.

A friend of mine met a wonderful man by asking other friends did they know of any single men in their friendship groups. They have now been together a good number of years That might be worth considering.

Yes, I think they are.
My theory is that as men don’t typically leave their wives (I know some decent men do, ie men who don’t leave for another women) but in the main, so the pool for the 40’s crowd are mostly men who’ve been elbowed by their wives - usually because they have issues, addictions, or are just awful (the ones your friends and some of mine have settled for).
Add to that the issue that nice men in their 40’s are still attractive to women in their 30’s, and you’re left fishing from a tiny pool of decent men who have a lot of options.

You’d have to be really, really, lucky to meet a nice guy. Hence why there are so many single women. It does happen though!

I did ok, bagged a good one, but I do know many women who haven’t. The only slightly upsetting thing is meeting older means we don’t have shared children and obviously have less time left quite frankly. Ironically our paths could have crossed when we were young as his sister was a friend of a friend and we likely met at a party or event but no recollection

The good and more interesting men are not using dating apps OP. It's like looking fir a job and just using crappy Linkedin/indeed.

@brinik I think we are pretty aligned and I agree and it's backed up my stats that men rarely leave marriages they do as you say get dumped by their wives, often after years of those wives suffering and trying to fix things. Most men then don't do anything to rehabilitate themselves but jump right back into dating looking for another woman to distract them from their heartache and to serve them. I also agree its about luck and that men have more and better options than women. A great 40 something guy is likely a catch for a woman in her early 30's when she is also dealing with a serious lack of quality men in her own age group. Effectively we are all our lives as women from teenage years and beyond all hoping to find one of the minority of good, relationship worthy men available.

I think many women set the bar too low and accept too much in the way of unacceptable behaviour from men.
Know your worth and stick to it!

Namechanged as probably not a popular view, but basically the end of your second paragraph is the crux of it

The most desirable men can choose and so will generally choose younger... because they can. If you can, why wouldn't you?

Good for the mid-40s women who have their shit together/own houses/are attractive and successful. But for a mid-40s man those things simply cannot compete with "being in your 30s or late 20s".

I absolutely know my worth!

This does tend to make it less rather than more easy to find a mate though. I think people who say this assume that if you bat all the losers away you will make space for Prince Charming.

What I- and so many other intelligent, sorted, interesting women find- is that once you've batted all the losers away, that's it. Crickets.No worries really though, I'm happy living a single independent life.

@crackofdoom I left my first husband - he had money but not much else at all! He thought his money was going to keep me and was in utter shock when I walked away.
Even though I lost a lot financially, and my kids for half of the time, for the first time in my life I found "me," and vowed if I was ever to marry again I would set my stall out right from the get-go. Listed my "non-negotibles" and did not deviate from them!
Was single for a number of years and kissed a lot of frogs via online dating before finally meeting my Mr Right. He had no kids but accepted mine wonderfully and we are now very happily married.

To a certain extent but the crux of the matter is actually the sheer dearth of decent men at pretty much any age. Most women in their 20's and 30's would probably prefer not to date middle aged men with their old dodgy sperm but have to settle for older if they want a man who isn't a total liability in the moment while selling out their future selves who will have to look after an old man while they are still fairly young.

If men could just do better there wouldn't be such a massive problem.