Are decent relationship prospects in your forties really this limited?

[munchiefox]

I'm single and somewhat dating in my 40's but its tough. I look at myself and my single friends and either we can't find anyone decent or those that have are accepting literal scraps in terms of the quality of partner just to have someone.

There is an abundance of men with nothing to show for 40+ years of life no qualifications, no savings, no home, no friends. Men with serious issues with addictions such as porn, drink, drugs, gambling and so on, men who are abusive or cheat, men with other debilitating personal situations and habits which make them a liability rather than a viable partner. Essentially men without these liabilities just have more choice and can and do go younger.

Men who are just not emotionally available either because they are avoidant or just after sex or they are still hung up on an ex partner or wife. This is actually a bigger one than I realised as there is actually research showing that men typically do not ever really get over an ex or at least at a far lower rate than women who are more likely to take time out from dating to truly grieve and move on so that their feelings towards an ex become neutral. I think something like 40% of single middle aged men never move on and remain deeply emotionally attached to an ex in perpetuity, another 40% compartmentalise and are able to have another relationship but still on some level pine for their ex and only the other 10 to 20% are able to fully heal and move on in the way most women do. I think this tendency to hold on to an ex emotionally is quite damaging to new relationships, many of us can relate to that feeling of being a placeholder or being swept off our feet only for the man to turn cold when the thrill subsides and he still misses his ex. I am not any man's booby prize.

So not only do you have to sift through those men with nothing to show for themselves, and probably looking to leech off you, move into your home and benefit from your hard work but you have to weed out men with serious issues of all kinds and men who are still in love with someone else and unwilling to do the work it takes to heal but still want a woman to be a placeholder and caretaker. The chances of finding a man like that who you find attractive and have something in common with seems to remote to me.

I know women in my circle with their shit together in every respect who have accepted men with nothing and no one, no savings, living in shared houses with no qualifications or real prospects, none are even attractive. A friend of mine recently moved such a man into her home and now he has his feet under the table he is starting to display abusive and controlling behaviour all while bringing nothing to the table except a bunch of unrealistic ideas for women to support him in. I have to ask myself is being able to post couple photos on social media worth it.

I do think there are good men out there but at this age most of them are married and those who do wind up single are not single for long and rare as hen's teeth.

The pickings are just so slim and problematic for the most part that most women are probably better off single unless you are very lucky and meet that one in a million guy who is mature and at least somewhat healed.

100% this - the OP reads like a female incel - almost like a Tate brother

@FlyingBeGoat Not at all I do not hate men, even the men I speak of I don't hate them I just think a lot of them are not worth women's time and effort. There are even men I like socially as friends but when you get into a relationship with a man as a woman you offer them so much on every level and increasingly so as you both get older and the men on offer tend to have less and less to offer the women.

I like most other women have taken time out to heal, to become ok with who I am, to become self sufficient and build a truly satisfying life for myself. Then like most women when I think that I am in good place to seek a partner I find that the men my age are still confused, hurt, childish little boys in middle aged bodies still looking for a woman to make it all better for them while giving next to nothing in return. There are plenty of women on this thread who are agreeing with me but as usual if a woman speaks her mind and dares to be critical of men she must be a bitter old harpy.

It's a weird narrative on Mumsnet that nearly every poster has oodles of single middle-aged female friends who have no hang-ups about their exes, or money problems, or or mental health and addiction problems, and are instead sitting in their paid-off homes with full bank accounts enjoying their fabulous and rewarding careers while waiting for Mr Right to turn up.

Meanwhile, simultaneously, Mumsnet is awash with women who clearly have massive baggage from their exes, battling with difficult friend and family relationships, struggling financially in dead-end jobs and uncertain housing, while dealing with anxiety, depression, excessive drinking or other mental health problems.

It makes you wonder why, if all the friends of Mumsnet users are so perfect and composed, why so many Mumsnet posters themselves are struggling.

Could it just possibly be that these perfect single friends might not be the fantastic relationship material their friends might think they are?

she must be a bitter old harpy

rightly or wrongly that’s exactly how you come across unfortunately 🤷🏼‍♂️

It is honestly hilarious watching people parrot this fantasy where all their single friends are wealthy, emotionally bulletproof homeowners with thriving careers, while simultaneously drowning in threads full of unhealed baggage, endless fallout, and desperate attempts to rewrite the timeline of a breakup.

If everyone's real-life circle is so perfectly serene, where are all these chaotic scripts coming from?
Maybe those 'fabulous' single friends aren't the catch everyone pretends they are; they're just playing the same game.

@FlyingBeGoat I didn't want to date a man who had his own kids and that was absolutely my perogative. Just in the same way as I didn't want to date time wasters who didn't want existing children in their lives.
I didn't want to take on any more than my current two as I was working in a stressful job and couldn't afford to take on any more.
But more importantly, I'd worked bloody hard to get us in to a house in which they both had their own rooms.
Had I met someone who had even one existing child it would have ultimately meant either losing that lovely home, or my children being forced to share.
Neither of which I wanted for my family.
@Thisistyresome To answer your question, my husband had always wanted children. Unfortunately he and his first wife were not biologically able to. That is not the reason they split, however. She went on to marry another lady (equally as lovely).

What are you talking about? Mumsnet loves to be critical of men. You still haven’t addressed your hypocrisy of having your own kids but ruling out dating men with kids.

Haven’t RTFT but your opening post made me reflect: why are there so many utterly useless men in their 40s? I can completely relate to coming across many who have virtually nothing to show for their existence of 4 decades plus - no home, no savings, no career, no friends, no fucking personality. Do parents indulge male children more than female children, could that be behind it? I am so very rarely impressed with a man in this age bracket but so often blown away by fabulous and fantastically accomplished women the same age. Baffling!

What things are you offering, and what things are the men not offering?

@FlyingBeGoat
To add, my husband was definitely not infertile nor did he have any hereditary risk factors as you mentioned.
But...
And this is why he wasn't snapped up immediately...
He is by no means a high earner. Hard working, yes, high earning, no.
For many women I imagine that would have been a deal breaker?

Is there a difference between where you're meeting these men and where you're meeting these women? Eg, are you online dating? If so, have you been on as many dates with women as you have with men?

@FlyingBeGoat
Well it did work - we're now married and have been together around 10 years! 😀

No, not online dating, I’m married.

Ok so where are you meeting these single men and women for you to make the comparison?

I think you are responding to the wrong person 🤷
I didn’t mention infertility or anything else along those lines

Quite frankly you're going to be coming across absolutely everyone on OLD, people you wouldn't naturally come across in your natural circles and workplaces.

For a lot of people the criticism of men having poor jobs wouldn't come up if they met at work or at a social scene (where income filters out people).

I think what's happening here is that people are meeting a different social class through OLD and the contrast is quite something.

I haven't RTFT but I would challenge your point that the decent men can and do go for someone significantly younger. To me, those types of men don't fall into the 'decent' bucket. They're emotionally immature creeps!

That is not the great example you think it is. You have basically said he is poor.

I assume there are some other negative qualities, but it seems very odd you didn't mention them you just went with poor.

Quite. Via OLD, they have newly been exposed to the populace beyond their professional and social circles and are just working out that the average person is struggling and lives a precarious existence - male or female.

@Thisistyresome Well having literally nothing, not a penny saved and not even a stable roof over your head at 46 without any major mitigating factors is a pretty damning indictment of a person. This particular man didn't even have the few hundred pounds he needed for a minor car repair and had to borrow it off my friend, he doesn't have the money to make his full contribution to the bills leaving my friend to cover his costs while he spends his money on nice clothes for himself and on his hobbies which he claims are going to make him a lot of money any day now, he just needs this one more bit of kit or software and so on. So you're wrong and its a great example of a man who is cock lodger and a homosexual leeching off a woman and offering little in return. As a man he doesn't even offer value in terms of taking on more of the domestic or mental load, in fact he offloads that onto my friend. I have no idea what she sees in him.

It doesn't have to be a different social class but it can be a question of personal responsibility. A man doesn't have to have a degree or a high wage to be acceptable he does have to have some foreplaning skills and show he can take care of himself. Sadly there are not that many who can or do.

Now he's gay?!?

That is an incredible typo.
Turning "hobosexual" into "homosexual" completely derails the insult and accidentally invents a whole new category of relationship critique.
Instead of describing someone who moves in just for a place to live, it sounds like you got your internet buzzwords entirely tangled up while trying to write a righteous rant.

autocorrect error, it's supposed to be "HOBOSEXUAL"

Who cares, my point still stands.