Are decent relationship prospects in your forties really this limited?

[munchiefox]

I'm single and somewhat dating in my 40's but its tough. I look at myself and my single friends and either we can't find anyone decent or those that have are accepting literal scraps in terms of the quality of partner just to have someone.

There is an abundance of men with nothing to show for 40+ years of life no qualifications, no savings, no home, no friends. Men with serious issues with addictions such as porn, drink, drugs, gambling and so on, men who are abusive or cheat, men with other debilitating personal situations and habits which make them a liability rather than a viable partner. Essentially men without these liabilities just have more choice and can and do go younger.

Men who are just not emotionally available either because they are avoidant or just after sex or they are still hung up on an ex partner or wife. This is actually a bigger one than I realised as there is actually research showing that men typically do not ever really get over an ex or at least at a far lower rate than women who are more likely to take time out from dating to truly grieve and move on so that their feelings towards an ex become neutral. I think something like 40% of single middle aged men never move on and remain deeply emotionally attached to an ex in perpetuity, another 40% compartmentalise and are able to have another relationship but still on some level pine for their ex and only the other 10 to 20% are able to fully heal and move on in the way most women do. I think this tendency to hold on to an ex emotionally is quite damaging to new relationships, many of us can relate to that feeling of being a placeholder or being swept off our feet only for the man to turn cold when the thrill subsides and he still misses his ex. I am not any man's booby prize.

So not only do you have to sift through those men with nothing to show for themselves, and probably looking to leech off you, move into your home and benefit from your hard work but you have to weed out men with serious issues of all kinds and men who are still in love with someone else and unwilling to do the work it takes to heal but still want a woman to be a placeholder and caretaker. The chances of finding a man like that who you find attractive and have something in common with seems to remote to me.

I know women in my circle with their shit together in every respect who have accepted men with nothing and no one, no savings, living in shared houses with no qualifications or real prospects, none are even attractive. A friend of mine recently moved such a man into her home and now he has his feet under the table he is starting to display abusive and controlling behaviour all while bringing nothing to the table except a bunch of unrealistic ideas for women to support him in. I have to ask myself is being able to post couple photos on social media worth it.

I do think there are good men out there but at this age most of them are married and those who do wind up single are not single for long and rare as hen's teeth.

The pickings are just so slim and problematic for the most part that most women are probably better off single unless you are very lucky and meet that one in a million guy who is mature and at least somewhat healed.

OLD is apparently the worst, but not the only terrible place.

A few years back some colleagues were discussing how some of the younger ones were struggling, a married man in the conversation was able to show how for young women any “fast” environment would count against them. He gave a comparison to speed dating in the 90s/Noughties. He had a way of showing how in a “slow” environment the proportions would revert to a much better environment for them.

Unfortunately for the young single women in the conversation none of the rest of us could give an example of “slow” situations that applied to them. We all had stories from our lives but they seemed really rare to single people these days. Even the activities and clubs sounded more rushed with less lingering in groups than it was 15/20 years ago. There are just less relaxed encounters with people to help them.

Seems like smart phones then OLD did a number on people.

@FlyingBeGoat Apologies - will try to quote the poster who did!
@Thisistyresome

I stand by the example your choice of example was bad.

If he is a drain on her emotionally, if he is chaotic and delusional about the world those are negative traits. But those weren’t what you brought up, it was just being poor.

Perhaps choose the important aspects of someone’s character, not just their wealth.

We have a number of single male friends, have had for years. Few dated, they'd had poor experiences dating and basically gave up on it. They were well educated, decent pay, had their own houses/flat. By the time they were in their 30s ifvthey weren't indulging in their hobbies they'd be socialising within our own group or at home enjoying their own home. We even had our own dinner party round, different person hosting each time.

Age has taken its toll as there are fewer of us so it's not quite so active.

So there probably are decent men around (after all there are more men than women) they're probably just at home watching the TV.

Women that I have known that are long term single that don’t want to be I would say are decent but a couple who would describe themselves as nice, put together, dress well, ok financially and home owners etc are just so lemon sucking and disapproving. I love my friends but they never ever relax. SIL has had no luck, she is frankly an awful human being overall.

I think when we describe ourselves some of us are deluded, maybe I am.

Why, because they are attracted to women who happen to be younger than them? Are these women forced into relationships with them? If not, what does it say about them?

If your in your 40’s don’t bother with guys in their 40’s look at 50’s and 60’s.

It seem that the utility of a man is often paramount for so many - what he "brings to the table". The wealthier the better. I suppose this is the equivalent of 40 something men dating 30 something women, no? Equally as transactional.

I reckon about 30% of single women I know are impossible/bargepole.
And about 60% of the men. Load in both sexes but definitely more impossible men.

I don’t recognise this. It’s true that women will look for stability and are more cautious about that whereas a man is more likely to prioritise looks/sex over everything.

Isn't that what @FrauPaige just said?

You've disagreed with me then immediately agreed with me.

Agree with this, same outlook I took.

If you're a decent person out there looking, they'll be decent men too.

Yes, you may have to wade through a few frogs, but I saw it as an investment and trusted that the right man was out there.
We found each other on Tinder no less and still together 8 years on.

I also know 2 other marriages from Tinder.

I met my husband at 45 and we have been together 20 years. I acknowledge that things MAY have been different 20 years ago but I don't think they were that different. It is possible to find somebody genuinely good, but I think you have to be prepared to wait for the right person and just to enjoy time being single for a while.

I met him online - if that makes any difference.

Are the ropey men your friends with considered to be an upgrade over (the presumably long term) men that they left? Did your friends leave decent men in the hope that they could find an upgrade?

There are decent men and decent women, toxic men and toxic women. Writing off and judging an entire group of people never goes well, whether it's incel men doing it or the other way round, and men can generally sense when a woman is preparing to judge them based on their sex rather than their character. This might be what is holding back OP and posters with similar opinions that 'all men' are this and that.

I'm too together at 50 to have a man come and disrupt my life, my happiness or my home. It's why I have Love Honey and the likes and male companions that I go out with, just not dating or for sex. It's a win/win for me and I will be happily swinging from a chandelier on my own till they throw dirt on me

It's possible that what a straight woman think makes another woman good relationship material is different to what a man may think makes that woman good relationship material. And vice-versa, of course.

I've had a couple of female friends say that they've got.a lovely single friend that I should meet but when I do there are so many red flags it's like the Chinese army marching band.

I'm single and somewhat dating in my 40's but its tough. I look at myself and my single friends and either we can't find anyone decent or those that have are accepting literal scraps in terms of the quality of partner just to have someone.

Figurative scraps. They're accepting figurative scraps, not literal ones. Or just "scraps"; the "figurative" is clear from context.

As if men don't take into account the value a woman brings to him be that financial, housing, sex, domestic duties, mental labour, emotional labour, increased status and so on. All women ask for is men who are not a liability, who have a bit of wherewithal and can look after themselves. Its not about him being wealthy but why would a woman want a man who gets to his 40s with literally nothing going for him and who will essentially be dependent on his future female partner and there are many such cases. Why is that transactional, I say it's having standards, boundaries and not being taken for a fool but again whenever women have standard they are told they are being unreasonable, greedy "transactional" as you say.

Often what men consider good relationship material is a doormat, a woman who will serve them and put up with their shit with a smile on her face if she fails to do so she's a bitch and difficult.

Speak for yourself.

Your mask is really slipping now.

My SIL was cheated on by her husband and spent so much of her time raising their child plus the stepkids, only to have this guy cheat openly. After time she has found some other guy who allows was married before.

Is it fairytale second chance? I think reality is there’s even more baggage and issues when older. He seems a little bit of a clingy and needy guy but she doesn’t see it in the flush of love. My MIL married again and even though she met this guy later in life, they are now stuck with each other. He has a lot of problems and drags her down. I can tell she regrets it but they are both not going to separate now.

If anything happened with me and DH, I would never again tie myself to anyone. I am so happy to have a DC and that is my focus.

If I was to date it would be casual, if that. The last thing I would want is to know about their families, their past relationships, their friends, finances or anything pretty much that requires me to mentor or mother them through it.

I'm in my 40s with one child and have been single for a long time. Now that the hormones that hit me in my teens have faded away, romantic love seems kind of silly and shallow and I struggle to imagine myself falling in love again. This is not altogether a bad thing, as I had a tendency to become infatuated with complete prats. I look back and wonder WTF I was thinking!

I'm open to meeting a kind man who I'm attracted to and have the sort of relationship in which we make each others lives easier and more fun. We wouldn't necessarily have to live together. But I fear that instead I'd be offered plenty of sex (not sure I can be bothered), plenty of extra housework (definitely not doing that) and arguments over money and how we spend our spare time (ditto). I think it all sounds exhausting and not worth the hassle.