Are decent relationship prospects in your forties really this limited?

[munchiefox]

I'm single and somewhat dating in my 40's but its tough. I look at myself and my single friends and either we can't find anyone decent or those that have are accepting literal scraps in terms of the quality of partner just to have someone.

There is an abundance of men with nothing to show for 40+ years of life no qualifications, no savings, no home, no friends. Men with serious issues with addictions such as porn, drink, drugs, gambling and so on, men who are abusive or cheat, men with other debilitating personal situations and habits which make them a liability rather than a viable partner. Essentially men without these liabilities just have more choice and can and do go younger.

Men who are just not emotionally available either because they are avoidant or just after sex or they are still hung up on an ex partner or wife. This is actually a bigger one than I realised as there is actually research showing that men typically do not ever really get over an ex or at least at a far lower rate than women who are more likely to take time out from dating to truly grieve and move on so that their feelings towards an ex become neutral. I think something like 40% of single middle aged men never move on and remain deeply emotionally attached to an ex in perpetuity, another 40% compartmentalise and are able to have another relationship but still on some level pine for their ex and only the other 10 to 20% are able to fully heal and move on in the way most women do. I think this tendency to hold on to an ex emotionally is quite damaging to new relationships, many of us can relate to that feeling of being a placeholder or being swept off our feet only for the man to turn cold when the thrill subsides and he still misses his ex. I am not any man's booby prize.

So not only do you have to sift through those men with nothing to show for themselves, and probably looking to leech off you, move into your home and benefit from your hard work but you have to weed out men with serious issues of all kinds and men who are still in love with someone else and unwilling to do the work it takes to heal but still want a woman to be a placeholder and caretaker. The chances of finding a man like that who you find attractive and have something in common with seems to remote to me.

I know women in my circle with their shit together in every respect who have accepted men with nothing and no one, no savings, living in shared houses with no qualifications or real prospects, none are even attractive. A friend of mine recently moved such a man into her home and now he has his feet under the table he is starting to display abusive and controlling behaviour all while bringing nothing to the table except a bunch of unrealistic ideas for women to support him in. I have to ask myself is being able to post couple photos on social media worth it.

I do think there are good men out there but at this age most of them are married and those who do wind up single are not single for long and rare as hen's teeth.

The pickings are just so slim and problematic for the most part that most women are probably better off single unless you are very lucky and meet that one in a million guy who is mature and at least somewhat healed.

I do see this with some friends, one is parading around a man that essentially nobody else wanted like he's Britain's most eligible bachelor when he's a chancing hobosexual. It really makes me sad to see excellent women settle for such dregs in dating.

I'm 50 and my partner is 53. I wish we'd met when younger, but we were both married to other people and had kids in those marriages.
Met on bumble

Would I date someone much older than me? Hell to the no. There's a stale mate eventually, and there are, (and will be) a lot of single men in their 60s, 70s and beyond

Expectations have changed, along with society, for both sexes. I dont think that what you have said is new in 2026 (apart from the availability of porn) - its just that women now have more options than before &, imo, are far too exacting in 'requirements' (I was one of these women so speak from experience).

I also think that people are too quick to match a person to a list of criteria of the "perfect match" now and have higher (debatable) standards. There was a poster a few days ago with three kids who was considering leaving her husband because he wanted to change career and she's a SAHM so finances would be tight for a while. My thought was: what happened to sticking together and life changes, per your marriage vows?!

Overall, women have higher expectations (not a bad thing), equally, no one is perfect.

Nail on the head. A lot of the "good men" aren't the desperate ones on online dating sites. They're out doing things and having fun with hobbies, sports, activities, etc., and aren't "desperate" for "any" women for sex or housework etc!

My DH and our DS know a few decent men who would "like" a relationship but aren't actively looking for one. They're just living a single life and would go down the girlfriend route if someone suitable appeared, but not going out of their way to find someone.

@Badbadbunny I think that depends on circumstance some of the time. I worked in a very female dominated profession so meeting others of the opposite sex was going to be tricky. He also wasn't meeting many women at work and also the vast majority were already married (late 30s/early 40s).

I agree. There’s a difference between having standards and having expectations that rule out most of the population. It’s a good thing that women no longer have to marry simply for financial security. But not every man can be well paid, charismatic, exceptionally handsome or an amazing lover. By definition, around half of people are below average on any given trait. If everyone’s looking for someone who’s above average in several different areas at once, a lot of perfectly decent men are inevitably going to be overlooked. No one is perfect. And before anyone pipes up, I’m not suggesting women tolerate abusive or violent men, ever.

@VestibuleWeaver I was actively not looking for a well-paid man; there wasn't the need.
My main non-negotiable was for him to understand that my existing children would always be my priority and that if they were viewed even remotely as baggage then they could jog on.
I also wanted someone without children as I was not in a financial position to be considering a larger property and was not prepared for my two to lose their own bedrooms or our home.

Maybe some self-awareness would do you good? The way you talk about other people, particularly people you barely even know, suggests you're quite a judgemental, misandrist and mean-spirited person yourself? Maybe that's a reason why you can't find someone?

The problem with modern dating culture in general is that people are always blaming others, rather than actually looking in the mirror and recognising their own failings and problems. But the reality is, while you may not want to hear it, it's not always other people's fault that you're single.

Right, but I suspect the majority of men in their 40s do have children, just as you do. I would suggest it’s a tad rich to bemoan a lack of potential mates who don’t have a particular characteristic that you yourself possess.

@catspyjamas1 "are far too exacting in 'requirements'" I disagree if anything I see women having too few requirements. I think most women want a man who is gainfully employed, has something to show for his life as evidence he isn't a financial liability or a leech. They want someone who is largely healed and emotionally available ( a rarity) for a new relationship. They want a man who doesn't have any major self inflicted issues such as addictions, abusive behaviours and who can more or less manage himself and his life. If that is considered being too exacting then women really are better giving up on men.

No I really don't think so. As I said in my OP even men who seem the great and make fairly good partners are still deeply attached to their ex wives and partners research suggests 80% of men never move on and so are never fully emotionally available to new partners, around 40% are ultimately unable to form new lasting relationships with new partner instead chasing new relationship energy to numb their pain or if they do it is with a lot of difficulty while another 40% of men can form and maintain new relationships but deep down they still miss and long for their ex. When the relationship goes off the boil or hits a snag these men will soothe themselves with memories of their ex undermining the new relationship. Women on the other had have been shown to do the hard work of grieving and do the hard work of moving on and becoming neutral about their ex husbands even if they can look back and appreciate the happy memories from the good times if they had them they no longer hold space for these men romantically. So right away if you are dating a divorced or separated man there is an 80% chance that he deep down still loves his ex deeply, even if he seems to dislike her, perhaps especially if he seems to dislike her. Your odds of finding a man who is emotionally available at this age is around 10%.

Interestingly a lot of manosphere talking points suggest that women are often alpha widows and forever hanker after an ex and that you will just be her back up booby prize when in fact studies show that it is actually men who become alpha widowers forever longing for their ex.

I haven't read all the replies, so I'm posting and I'll come back later

@munchiefox I know how you feel although I'm not seeing they are fundamentally problematic - I'm seeing that they are unavailable - and a lot of people just seem to treat online dating as some kind of hobby. I think men get snapped up incredibly quickly. There's a woman who runs local dating events and she's going to have to stop soon because she has literally run out of available men! She has a lot of available women! I don't know what that tells you

I now understand why people were obsessed with finding partners at university

I don't know it just never happened to me and now I think the fact that I never got married makes me even less desirable

I am seen as a strange outlier, whereas I think if I actually had got married and divorced, it would be better.

Honestly, at this point, I would be quite happy with a sort of tick list and I'm not expecting any miracles but I also think there's a big thing that a lot of people do just want to stay single. Which is fair enough, I suppose.

I definitely won’t ever live with a man again. I can’t see myself in a relationship either to be honest. Maybe some sex.

Single in early 40s with a young child. Had two relationships and cohabited. Both abusive. I’m just done with it all. I’d rather focus on my child and be alone in peace.

My ex will be back in the dating pool and my prediction is he’ll end up with someone very young, end up having his vasectomy reversed and have another child. He’ll charm the pants off them but it’ll end up the same.

So OP if what you’re saying is that losers are all that’s available out there then I am not interested one bit and the young ones can have all these losers. 😂

I think it’s so incredible difficult for single women in their 40s and 50s. There are lots of attractive, smart, witty, successful single women out there yet seems to be a complete dearth of decent men who are even vaguely comparable.

I was single from age 40 and everyone told me «what a catch» I was and how any man would be lucky to have me. Yet I didn’t meet a single non-creepy man who was interested in me (nor me interested in him). Admittedly I didn’t try online dating or apps etc and I was most likely giving off «keep the fuck away from me» vibes but even so. 🙄 I worked in a male dominated industry and had an active social life where I regularly met lots of new people but I didn’t meet even one man in my age group who was even single let alone single with chemistry between us.

I resigned myself to being alone for the rest of my life. It took a few years to adjust but it got to the point where I was very happy being single and having the freedom to do what I want when I want with zero aggravation.

It’s obvious there’s going to be a but…..

I’m now 56 and earlier this year I reconnected over LinkedIn with an old boyfriend from my student days overseas. We had stayed friendly (at times more than friendly) on and off for a decade but I lost contact with him over 20 years ago when he settled down with a partner and had children etc. He’s now 57 and turns out he split from his partner last year (but was on the rocks for a lot longer it seems). He lives overseas in a country where my employer’s head office is so we talked about maybe meeting for a drink if I go over there on business next year.

In April he announced he would be in England for 10 hours and would I like to meet for a coffee? I suggested lunch instead. 10 hours turned into him staying for the entire week and me staying with him. Now 4 months after meeting in person for the first time in 20+ years, we’re in a long distance relationship together and at present incredibly happy. We’ve both been very successful in our careers, we both own properties, we have the same values and the chemistry and attraction is still there. In fact stronger than it has ever been as we’ve obviously both grown up a lot but that seems to have made us even more compatible. He really is the most amazing man I have ever dated and quite frankly it seems too good to be true. Except I know him and his family and friends and who he really is underneath just as he knows me and who I really am. I keep thinking I will wake up and this will be all have been a dream. Apologies for sounding a bit soppy. ☺️ It seems it can happen. At 56 I have met a decent kind thoughtful man who is generous with his time and money and who works hard but is also fun and sexy and just wants to make me happy. Holy fuck! Who knew they even existed still?!!

I hope it works out but who knows? I never expected anything like this and am very aware that this is most definitely my last shot at being in a happy relationship with a man. But if it can happen to me, it can happen to you too.

Dating at any age is difficult these days because people aren’t always open and truthful about their intentions, never give up though, work on honing your twat sensor so you can spot them easier it will save you time, the old saying is true, you will have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.

What i can tell you is there are a lot of very good men out there trapped in relationships where they wish they had someone who truly wanted them, so they are out there, they just haven’t become single yet, and some unfortunately never will.

There are plenty of decent men out there. They don't get snapped up quickly, instead they get bored of the rejection and just take themselves off of the market. For instance women should expect 10+ likes a day on OLD, whereas men should expect 1 like a week.

The local dating events I've seen have recently struggled to find men. It's not that there is a lack of them, just that they've grown bored of it. I've recently seen a lot of events not used for dating now, but just as a night out and it wastes everyone else's time.

I also think it depends on whether people have children or not. A lot of men don't want to be stepfathers and so will avoid great women if they have children.

A decent man won’t care if you have children, he will want you for what you are, ok there will be men that just don’t want children i get that but if he’s not prepared to give it a go then he’s not that into you.

What app is this, where the women contact the men first?

Bumble.

I'm a bloke & think exactly that at so many of the posts I see on MN.

I certainly hope I'm instilling in my daughter a decent high bar of behaviour she will deem acceptable & indeed demand.

Well, it's good news for me if they don't want children

@Huckleberries I imagine if a man is looking to date a woman in her 40s already, he probably wouldn't be wanting (any more) bio children with her, or at the very least it wouldn't be a priority?

@NowStartingOver My now husband didn't have any bio children when we met. I had two children (about 7 and 10 at the time) and it didn't put him off at all. He's a great stepdad - they are 16 and almost 19 now.

The only really nice one I dated for awhile was nearly 60 and still talking about maybe having children

He then married a younger woman who decided she didn't want to have children. I think she married him for the money.

@Huckleberries I personally think any man who wants children in his 60s is inherently selfish. Sounds like you dodged a bullet there!