Are decent relationship prospects in your forties really this limited?

[munchiefox]

I'm single and somewhat dating in my 40's but its tough. I look at myself and my single friends and either we can't find anyone decent or those that have are accepting literal scraps in terms of the quality of partner just to have someone.

There is an abundance of men with nothing to show for 40+ years of life no qualifications, no savings, no home, no friends. Men with serious issues with addictions such as porn, drink, drugs, gambling and so on, men who are abusive or cheat, men with other debilitating personal situations and habits which make them a liability rather than a viable partner. Essentially men without these liabilities just have more choice and can and do go younger.

Men who are just not emotionally available either because they are avoidant or just after sex or they are still hung up on an ex partner or wife. This is actually a bigger one than I realised as there is actually research showing that men typically do not ever really get over an ex or at least at a far lower rate than women who are more likely to take time out from dating to truly grieve and move on so that their feelings towards an ex become neutral. I think something like 40% of single middle aged men never move on and remain deeply emotionally attached to an ex in perpetuity, another 40% compartmentalise and are able to have another relationship but still on some level pine for their ex and only the other 10 to 20% are able to fully heal and move on in the way most women do. I think this tendency to hold on to an ex emotionally is quite damaging to new relationships, many of us can relate to that feeling of being a placeholder or being swept off our feet only for the man to turn cold when the thrill subsides and he still misses his ex. I am not any man's booby prize.

So not only do you have to sift through those men with nothing to show for themselves, and probably looking to leech off you, move into your home and benefit from your hard work but you have to weed out men with serious issues of all kinds and men who are still in love with someone else and unwilling to do the work it takes to heal but still want a woman to be a placeholder and caretaker. The chances of finding a man like that who you find attractive and have something in common with seems to remote to me.

I know women in my circle with their shit together in every respect who have accepted men with nothing and no one, no savings, living in shared houses with no qualifications or real prospects, none are even attractive. A friend of mine recently moved such a man into her home and now he has his feet under the table he is starting to display abusive and controlling behaviour all while bringing nothing to the table except a bunch of unrealistic ideas for women to support him in. I have to ask myself is being able to post couple photos on social media worth it.

I do think there are good men out there but at this age most of them are married and those who do wind up single are not single for long and rare as hen's teeth.

The pickings are just so slim and problematic for the most part that most women are probably better off single unless you are very lucky and meet that one in a million guy who is mature and at least somewhat healed.

I think the big problem is that most men are a bit shit and mediocre. It’s also very difficult to meet a man who treats a woman as his equal- even the ‘nice’ ones.

this has always been the case, but by the time you get to your 40’s woman have less patience for crappy behaviour and less likely to make excuses for them. So women get fussier at a time when the number of decent and available men shrinks.

the less annoying men usually stay married ( not even because they are a real prize, but because they aren’t actively awful).

I don’t think there were ever very many really good men out there sadly.

I definitely think I'm a lot fussier than I was at 25.

These days:

No to dating men 15-20 years older than me as they'd practically be pensioners. I also don't want to become a carer for a man I've only been dating for a relatively short time. I have elderly parents who will also need my help.

No to men with no money, because whilst I'm not a high earner, I do own my own home and I'm not prepared to risk it by joining finances with someone with no assets.

No to men with lots of issues (or an addiction), because I'm old enough to know that I can't fix them and they could easily drag me down with them.

No to men who slag off their exs, my friend married one of those and unsurprisingly, it didn't last.

No to men who want a step-mum to do the bulk of their childcare or worse, men who have children whom they rarely or never see.

Human beings, male and female, are lists of qualities to be ticked off a list, in your 40s you are likely to have baggage, it’s just life.

Isn’t it more likely if you are decent you will have baggage? Because you are more likely to have had an entwined relationship. A decent man might be renting because it was easier, or he didn’t want the grief so he moved out of the shared home whilst they wait for it to be sold, for instance.

Trying to find an unblemished decent man in his 40s, or woman, chances 0%, as people say they get snapped up at all ages.

There is a big gulf between a potential cocklodger and a decent guy trying to not be a bastard, but they might present the same initially, in rented accommodation, bit distracted.

Online dating removes the meet in person part of hooking up and when someone chats you up there are a heap of subconscious signals that you react to, which can’t pique or quash your interest instantly.

It’s hard to buy a house as a single nowadays, and some people just don’t want to. Sometimes the most entitled domineering pricks are the richer men.

Decent relationship prospects at ANY age are limited. The dating industry is doing its absolute best to keep people single and the frustration is leading those of both genders to look at each other as a potential enemy rather than a potential partner.

But you're not dating your nice female friends who apparently have their shit together either? And you don't have to encounter their vices, baggage or addictions?

Anyway, I think true compatibility (which is the main thing, much more important than a tickbox list of qualities) is very rare at any age. Might not seem so in your 20s when it's easy to have flings or one night stands or try out short/medium/long-term relationships because all of that is ultimately about finding out what you want - but how many of those men in our 20s were we actually compatible with? I think of all the men I knew before DH, there's maybe one that I could have actually seen myself with long-term. And he lives in New York so while there was personal compatibility and a lot of chemistry there wasn't exactly geographic compatibility.

This is just cliched generalisations though.

I can't imagine thinking of the sexes as homogeneous masses is very helpful when dating, so perhaps that's where it's going wrong for you.

It's not about looking for perfection it's about finding a man who is at the very least self sufficient and not a liability financially or otherwise, not too much to ask for by your 40's I think. Yes we all have baggage but it is also fair to ask for a man who is at least capable of self awareness and self honesty and who is at least capable of dealing with his own baggage and healing. However there are sadly very few men out their who can manage all of this or even one or two of these requirements. In terms of a past we do all have one but if we are self aware and healed then it doesn't have to be baggage that blindsides us or the people we are with after a few months or years of dating.

@munchiefox you seem convinced that single middle-aged women are much more likely to have healed from their emotional baggage, and so are in a better position to go on to date, than equivalent men have.

What are you basing that on? Have you dated many middle-aged women?

But that's true of people at every age.

I met someone online when I was 39 and he was 45. He is amazing, in every way. I dated many people over the years and was single for many years.

If I didn't meet a good one I have no doubt I would have stayed single.

I just don’t see the younger woman thing happen. I’ve seen it in the celeb world and maybe in rich circles but otherwise when a great guy becomes single in his 40s he gets snapped up by a woman his age.
Which is what happened to me 6 months ago, met an amazing man mid 40s like me within 10 mins of being on Tinder

I think a question that has to be asked is if your friends are so amazing, why haven't they been snapped up? The trope "any decent man is snapped up immediately" so surely that applies to women too? Why are these amazing friends only able to find the dregs? Perhaps they're not that great and decent men avoid them?

im now single 1 year, my choice after a 27 year relationship.

From my observations, youve got women who are ambitious, eating healthy, exercising, prioritising friendships and getting out and doing stuff - places/travelling/experiences. They are living wholesome lives and are very happy with their calm peaceful lives. Basically entered their glow up phase and are looking damn hot at 40+

then youve got the males who are not in the same league. Most come with problem drinking, want to spend time in pubs and not healthy/active. Plus want to move in asap so you can take care of them!

its quite disheartening but tbh im happy single. Even if i got with someone, i wouldn’t live with a man again. Separate houses for sure. I wont be putting up with lower standards again! Otherwise, ill get a dog 🐶

Yeah I don't think great men exclusively do for younger women but they do have that option when realistically most men our age are not going to be attractive to younger women. That doesn't mean many of them don't want them. A story a friend told me was her about her husband attending his running club and some of the other men their complaining about "old women" joining the group on the prowl for a man. These "old women" were the same age as the men who found them so distasteful as if it were some how predatory of women to seek a same age partner after a certain age!

@KarenNextDoor as I said earlier, it's weird how many Mumsnet users report having fantastic single friends who have their whole lives sorted out but can't find a man to match them, yet at the same time there are so many Mumsnet users whose personal lives are messy and problematic.

I suppose it's possible that one explanation is that Mumsnet users are more likely to have messy lives than those who don't come here.

Alternatively, could it be that the standards by which you're viewing potential male partners are different to those you use to view female friends?

Or could it be that because you're not seeing your female friends as often and as intimately as you're seeing male partners, the women are better at hiding their less than ideal behaviours from you than the men are?

Because they aren't prepared to go significantly younger (plenty of younger men do want them) and there are simply not enough decent men their age. They would rather be single than take on an active problem and I don't blame them.

I'm sorry but this doesn't sound believable. There are plenty of decent young men who want them, but decent men their own age are not interested?

It is harder to find someone in your 40s because they are either with kids, or married. It starts getting easier at 55 years old.

Pretty sure most people have relationship scars, personal insecurities and baggage by the time they are in their 40s. It's just life. No one be it either sex is going to find a blank canvas partner in their 40s.

Yes we all have a past but that isn't my point its about having a certain degree of self knowledge and healing about such things. Men are far more likely than women to just jump straight back in to dating and never do any kind of work on themselves so they just keep perpetuating the same issues over and over for themselves and their partners wasting everyone's time in the process. By their mid 40's men should be more self aware and better able to regulate themselves but those skills are a rarity in men at any age.

Decent men their own age may well be interested in them if they could find them but decent single men in their 40's are as rare as hen's teeth. By that age they are already in relationships and get taken off the market very quickly perhaps even before they venture onto apps. Even if they do end up on the apps there are just no enough of them to go round all the great women out there.

I don’t know, but I’ve heard several men in their late 30s complain that it’s impossible to find decent women online!

This makes me wonder whether there really are that many great women out there. Maybe great from a woman’s perspective, but not from a man’s?

[citation needed]

You won’t get one. We’re still waiting for OP to explain why she criticises men who won’t date women with children, when she is not herself interested in dating men with children.

That's quite funny actually. Gonna keep an eye on this thread now to see if Op answers that.

Honestly I find all this modern hating on the opposite sex and double standards to be quite sad really, and probably a reason why one finds themself single in the first place. Chip. Shoulder.

I did have a messy life when i was married to a problem drinker who never helped with his children or running the household. I came to mumsnet and posted under lots of different usernames and it helped me to see i was in an abusive relationship. I do think reading and commenting in mumsnet does help with higher standards. Ive done a lot of work on myself and personally, im not looking for someone at this moment in time. Im observing as the dating game has completely changed since i was in it previously. No im happy raising my kids and giving all my time to them. Im not on dating apps etc. im losing weight myself and eating healthy and working out.