Boyfriend wants a month-long break after five and a half years

[BeEdgyDenimCat]

My (25F) boyfriend (25M) has abruptly ended a 5 year relationship and turned it into a ‘break’ for a month…

For context, we have had a really healthy happy relationship for so many years. We met in uni, and have grown together and are doing the same career. We live separately at the moment because we are still young and in no rush to start a future together, we are both happy with this arrangement.

We have been slightly disconnected for a few months. Disagreements about emotional needs not being met etc and he is not the worlds most fantastic communicator, but I am relatively secure so I haven’t relied on this heavily.

Recently, we had some really tough conversations and toyed with the idea that this perhaps isn’t right for us right now. However, after those tough conversations, we had three weeks where we went from strength to strength and were having a fantastic relationship. This gave me renewed confidence in our connection and ability to make it through tough times. Then, after a week on holiday, he decided that he needed a month to consider whether this was right for him. In his words ‘is our relationship defined by the period of it being down or the periods when it is up?’. This has confused and concerned me, because surely I see it as looking forward and working through things.

I am now in a limbo free fall for all of August whilst essentially my fate is decided by my boyfriend, who I am on a break with, and is now being quite cold on messages because he ‘needs space’. Of course I respect the space, but this is obviously anxiety inducing and I am not sure what to make of it? It seems like I am more committed to this than he is.

I agree.

It sounds like neither of them have ever been with anyone else or ever had the opportunity to go and have fun and meet other people.

Sometimes it’s just easier to stay with someone but then years later you look back and realise you probably stayed for the wrong reasons.
I can imagine lots of women on here have stayed in relationships for too long.

In a couple of years they’ll be looking to settle down properly and regret not having the chance to have fun.

This is probably the end of the relationship but I think it’s really difficult to end something that isn’t working when there is nothing ‘wrong’ with either person.

I remember needing to know whether this is what I wanted and was going to fight hard to make the relationship work or call it a day.
But when you’re actually in the relationship then it’s hard to see the wood through the trees.

The trouble with a break though is that there are rules and they can get broken.
So perhaps officially separating would be better and if you’re both missing each other after a few months then reconsider.

Just looked at the lyrics. I don’t think anyone could have summed it up so perfectly.

Honestly OP I would take this as him wondering what is out there.
You are both very young and it is not unusual to wonder is this it?
Thats what your 20's are about.

He is going to spend the next month checking out because he is not sure.

Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

However, when it happened to me after 3 years, I thought about it and after speaking to a wise older colleague I told him that I understood his confusion and was now taking the decision out of his hands and ending things.

There would be no 6 weeks break whilst he decided if this was what he wanted. I now no longer wanted it.

I was heartbroken but my pride would not allow me to hang around hoping.

To be honest it was not a dynamic that I wanted in a serious relationship. So I licked my wounds and held my head up high.... well not exactly....I went inter railing for a month with two great friends and cried a lot of tears after too much drink.

I returned after the holiday calmer and got on with it.
10 weeks after he was at my door asking to talk.
He admitted that he wasn't sure about me/us and wanted to be single to see if I was the one he wanted.
He missed me and wanted to get back together.

We spoke kindly to each other but I was so firm, that boat had sailed. I still loved him but I wouldn't ever trust him and that was it for me.
There was a bit of back and forth and I remember I got firmer as time went on.

I didn't see anyone for a while and then met my husband who became a friend before we dated.

Forget about him and focus on what this means for you.
Do you think you will want him back after he has needed time?.
He's not sure of you and long term that would have always niggled at me.

I actually really loved him, but this taught me 100% that there are more than one person out there for all of us.

The wants to pretend to OW that he’s left you.

You are so young. Dump him - trust me he's not worth waiting for!

@BeEdgyDenimCat I remember when in my late 20's, a while ago now & this was said to me, I was devastated & to my shame I put on quite the performance of "living my best life" playing gigs, going out with my pals but always inevitably at the end of the line waiting, it's the worst

I know you won't listen, god knows I didn't but it will get better the quicker you steel yourself & realise that he's not the man you thought he was, you'll forever be doing the dance & being all "fun" for him

@LittleTreesThriving said it "you'll be okay" it's a killer but you will x

Have you ever seen the film, How to be single??
Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to decide whether he wants to be with you or not. Does this period of a break also give him permission to have guilt free sex with anyone else and then decide whether he wants you back?!
I'd see this as a huge wake up call that your relationship is very one sided.

It’s quite likely he’s spending this month seeing if he can meet someone and if not he has you waiting for him.

Stoping messaging/ contacting him. Plan some fun things - be it a solo trip, time with family or friends or do some dating. Embrace being a single person for the next few weeks and then you can decide if you prefer life without him or not.

Why are you letting him control the situation. You deserve better than someone who drops you whilst he 'considers his options' aka has sex with someone else (or multiple people) and decides if he prefers that to being with you.

Take back control and end it with him. You are worth someone who would never risk letting you go and to whom you are the best option.

Are there any 'rules' to this separation at all? (Eg. not sleeping with anyone else in that month while they 'consider their options')? If not, I'd be very concerned his main objective is to shag around freely and see if he can do better elsewhere. I wouldn't be happy with this set up. If he comes back to you after this, it's carte blanche to do it again in future whenever he feels like a 'break'. Like others, I immediately thought of the Beautiful South song! Give him back his freedom permanently and built a new and exciting life without him.

What does he mean by a break? As break from seeing each other? A break from remaining faithful to each other?

This. I'm sorry. A 'break', a la Ross and Rachel, means he is going to behave like he is single and see if he enjoys that more than being with you. Frankly, fuck that.

@BeEdgyDenimCat
You've been together a long time and through major life milestones. Now, you're embarking on your careers and forging your own paths. It's not uncommon to diverge. It's like a core group of uni friends going through courses together, study sessions together, pub together, and all the highs and lows together then drifting apart once the intensity is gone and you begin move away. It's gut-wrenching when romance, likely your first big love is part of that. This might be the end to an amazing chapter in your life, but it's not the end of your story. It was only chapter 3. 💐

I would just give him permanent space tbh start dating others. He might want to pursue someone new and if it’s fails he comes crawling back to you. Sorry op but you need to live more no matter what happens there is no guarantee it’s forever. If he sleeps with someone you can’t complain because you were on a break don’t let him dictate your relationship if he’s not happy tell him your done waiting.

What exactly are the rules for this break? Is he using it as an opportunity to date or have sex with other people? There's a difference between having a bit of time alone to reflect with regular meetings ups to connect and communicate and stepping out to see what other options are available to you.

While you are on a break, you need to reflect on if this is the right relationship for you. What are you getting out of the relationship? Where do you see it going? Is he right for you? You arent left hangings and waiting for him to decide. You steer your own ship.

I think he decided he wanted space before the holiday and went anyway.

He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you now. That may change or not for him but going on holiday then dropping this bomb in your lap, I would be even more in favour of a breakup rather than a break. The break implies you sit around and wait for him to change his feelings and takes away your agency.

I should imagine some of his reflection will be in a warm, dark and moist place.

Let him go. Value yourself more than being with someone whose mind changes at the drop of a hat.

You may struggle to accept this because you're 25 and this is your first adult relationship. But the relationship is over and he is actively trying to sleep with someone else. Either one person he's trying to pin down during this "break" or sowing his wild oats and too scared to tell you outright. In ten years you'll look back and know the right thing was for you to end it now and move on with your head held high, so really it's just a matter of whether you do that or the other thing.

‘We were on a BREAK!’

I fear this is going to be the scenario and if it is, how will you feel about it if he comes back having had sex with other/s?

He’s not the only one in this relationship: you too have control and I think you should take it.

I was telling my tutor group to be wary when they first arrive at uni. They’ll meet people/hall mates who they might spend time with but just may not be their kind of people and not to fall into the trap of being friends with them just because it’s handy. Not necessarily saying you did this, but I wonder given how he’s treating you (ie like shit) if he’s just not actually your kind of person? Possibly the relationship has just come to a natural end and he wants you to make the decision so he can do the ‘poor little me’ thing, look what nasty @BeEdgyDenimCat did when I just wanted some space.

Hes wanting to test a new relationship. If he comes back its becuase the other woman wasnt all that . If he doesn't come back then she was all that. Take control op xx

We change a lot between the ages of 18-30. What we may want or see as our priorities at 20, may not necessarily be the same as we get older. As we evolve, mature that can mean, we realise that what we currently have isn't right going forward.

Your boyfriend can't expect you to stay in limbo for a month. He's a grown adult, not a 15 year old teenager. He either wants to be with you or he doesn't. If he has doubts regarding the relationship, then that means he needs to let you go, not keep you dangling on a string, whilst he decides what he wants. That's immature and cruel.

You need to take that power back. Tell him straight that you aren't going to be kept dangling on a piece of string for a month, and if he doesn't want to be with you any longer, then he needs to be honest, and not take the cowards way out.

My guess is, I'm sorry to say, is that the relationship has run its course. Of course, people can meet at university, marry and stay together but more often than not, most of us at 50, are not with the person we started dating at 20!!

One of them it was literally a few weeks and she only really had a chance to be quite upset before they sorted it out. Married now with kids and genuinely pretty good I think, compared to other couples I know! Another he fucked off travelling for a year and was insanely bloody lucky she eventually took him back, he didn’t deserve it. Though I admit he’s one of the nicest men I know now, and the best husband - I don’t say that lightly as I don’t think much of men in general and I saw what she went through! She didn’t wait around though, she dated other people and didn’t expect to get back together.

So different cases! I agree with most that the only thing OP can do is take it as they’re basically broken up - take him at his word so he can see what it’s like. And only she will be able to tell if he’s being a redeemable dick or irredeemable!

Just started reading this with the exact song playing in my head! 😁

I’m 55 and I’ve seen this many times and been through it.

He’s got someone else but thinks the easiest way to dump you will be to ask for ‘space to think’ then come to you in two or three weeks and tell you he’s ‘met someone’ but he’ll always be your friend. Job done, any reaction from you will be met with pity.

I know it sounds impossible but you need to tell him its over now and don’t see him again.