Boyfriend wants a month-long break after five and a half years

[BeEdgyDenimCat]

My (25F) boyfriend (25M) has abruptly ended a 5 year relationship and turned it into a ‘break’ for a month…

For context, we have had a really healthy happy relationship for so many years. We met in uni, and have grown together and are doing the same career. We live separately at the moment because we are still young and in no rush to start a future together, we are both happy with this arrangement.

We have been slightly disconnected for a few months. Disagreements about emotional needs not being met etc and he is not the worlds most fantastic communicator, but I am relatively secure so I haven’t relied on this heavily.

Recently, we had some really tough conversations and toyed with the idea that this perhaps isn’t right for us right now. However, after those tough conversations, we had three weeks where we went from strength to strength and were having a fantastic relationship. This gave me renewed confidence in our connection and ability to make it through tough times. Then, after a week on holiday, he decided that he needed a month to consider whether this was right for him. In his words ‘is our relationship defined by the period of it being down or the periods when it is up?’. This has confused and concerned me, because surely I see it as looking forward and working through things.

I am now in a limbo free fall for all of August whilst essentially my fate is decided by my boyfriend, who I am on a break with, and is now being quite cold on messages because he ‘needs space’. Of course I respect the space, but this is obviously anxiety inducing and I am not sure what to make of it? It seems like I am more committed to this than he is.

Tell him you'll be making that break permanent. What a dick.

This. Seems to have summed it up

If you agree to take this oddly specific 1 month break on face value and waited for him whilst he makes up his mind whether you are good enough for him and he dutifully comes back in September and says "Darling I've looked around me and I've finally decided you are the ONE!" - there will always be a huge power imbalance in your relationship that I think would be very hard to get over.

He will be the one with all the choices... and you will feel like you gratefully welcomed him back, glad that (this time) you've measured up and won such a Prince.

I mean.. how marvellous is he really?

Relationships have lots of highs and lows to weather and it sounds like he would fall at the first fence.
I really do agree with the pps saying, he's wondering if another life would suit him better or he's already decided to break up but wants to do it in stages to look better to your mutual friends. (which is dastardly)
Only you know him, but you say that its left you feeling like youre in Limbo. Which is actually a cruel and shitty way to treat someone you supposedly care for, leaving them on tenterhooks for a whole bloody month. How humiliating is it going to be, explaining this "We are on a Break" nonsense to your nearest and dearest.. going by the comments on this thread, you can see what most will be thinking. He's a shit to do this to you. If he wanted to work on it, he would.

Take back your power, its your choice to break up or continue under these circumstances.

If it were me I'd dump him now because this "not great communicator" comes across like a cat playing with his food and who wants to spend a whole month waiting to hear what the Big I Am has decided?
Plan some lovely things to do in August, see good friends, go on nice weekends away, take long walks and keep busy.. and let him repent at his leisure. It will be hard because this situation has been thrown at you, rather than you deciding now was precisely the time for change, but I think you should text him and say
"You suggested a one month break, leaving me to guess your reasoning, in which case why not go ahead and make it permanent?" and then don't contact him. Don't let your friends give him updates either. It will be hard, but waiting around for scraps is harder I think

Take back your power, its your choice to break up or continue under these circumstances.

OP, never need anyone more than they need you. Take it from the Marvelettes.

My mother once told me something
...and every word is true
Don't waste your time on a fella
who doesn't love you.

He has either had his head turned or he wants to see what his chances are on the dating scene, whilst still keeping you on the back burner in case it does work out.

Take back the control and tell him that you have decided you dont want to be with him any more. At the very least it will pull the rug out from under him. Men like this never seem to quite grasp that you may not actually be so desperate for his company that you will wait around like a muppet while he makes his mind up.

I know you love him but he is treating so very badly that for your own self respect I really do think you need to tell him to keep walking.

If he wants a break, I'd give him a permanent one! I certainly wouldn't be waiting around for a boyfriend to take a month to decide if he wants to be with me!

I'm sorry OP but I think it sounds like the relationship has run it's course. Whether he's had his head turned by someone else or not, he's distancing himself from you and that tells you what you need to know. Gather your girlfriends, crack open the wine and make some fun plans for the rest of the summer. Don't sit around waiting for him to decide!

I’m surprised no one has mentioned Kate Middleton! Remember when they split and she definitely sent the message she wasn’t sitting at home moping over him

personally think that once you have to play games it’s not the best and tbh a month isn’t really long enough. I think it’s better to end it and then maybe in the future you might find yourselves back together or not - if it’s meant to be and all that

Was just about to post the very same thing

Sounds like he wants to test it out with someone else.

Not exactly the same situation but some similarities. My husband who I’d been with for 13 years, married for 4 of those and have 4 children together, decided out of the blue back in March that he didn’t know if he wanted to continue our marriage and gave me loads of spele about the reasons why. He kept me in limbo for weeks and weeks and it was a living hell. I wish I’d had the strength back then to tell him where to go at the time. Instead I waited it out, hoping he’d choose me. We are now in the process of divorcing thank god and over these last 4 months, I’ve had lots of ups and downs but I am definitely coming out of the other side now and have so many more good days than bad. You deserve so much better!

Crude. And rude. 🙄

But almost certainly true.

Cherchez la femme

Hi darling. This has happened to me, at your age, and a friends sister, at similar age, very long term relationship. Both times it was because he had met someone else and wanted to test out going out with her before burning bridges with his trusty old safe bet.
please DO NOT wait around for him. Focus entirely on yourself, looking and feeling healthy and good - a glow up. And flirt flirt flirt with other men!! (Kiss one or more if you like too!) do NOT worry that if you weren’t faithful your ex will be upset - he has literally dumped you. Ironically, whether you are trying to move on or win him back, my advise will make both of these more likely.

Picture the scene.

Thailand. August. Moon gazing. Finding oneself.

I don’t know what you are thinking 🙄

This!!

im twice your age too. I'd have felt like you at your age, but with age comes experience.& if my experience can help someone not make the same mistakes then it will feel less in vain!

If he needs a months break, he deserves a permanent break. You've been together five years, why on earth would you want to break to make sure you're the right one?

he doesn't. He wants a month to fuck around and say.'we were on a break. If that's what he wants, he doesn't deserve you.

five years is a long time at your age, but over the span of your lifetime it's not and just because you have spent five years together mean you have to spend for the rest of forever together or meant nothing

You'll never fully trust in his love or him being there after this, you'll always wonder when he'll next want to break or want out

Trust me, it's time to move on

There is no good reason for wanting specifically a month off. I'd call it myself, as many PPs have said.

😂

Ohhh gosh OP I feel for you. I think my first post on MN was at 25 in a similarish position when my boyfriend of years suddenly pulled a breakup on me in the middle of the night then tried to retract it the next day…

It was absolutely crushing when I eventually came to realise he had sort of meant it and wasn’t the person I could rely on and love any more. It did also turn out he was shagging his friend within a very short period of our breakup (if not before) which I’m glad I didn’t know at the time tbh.

I agree with everyone - take your life into your own hands. Within weeks of my breakup I’d got a new job, new place to live and new friends which came with both. I was determined that it wouldn’t break me and realised thanks to MN that I was REALLY YOUNG still and could just start again. Don’t be in limbo for him. Be you, do your things - and don’t expect him back. If he wants you back eventually and he probably will you can see how you feel about it. Mine shimmied back after 3 months and by then I’d got through the anger and upset and I just CBA with his drama after what he’d done.

Sending big love x

His feelings for you are beginning to falter, beginning to change. There is no coming back from that imo. He's half way out the door already. Do you want to be with someone who treats you that way? Sounds like perhaps the relationship has run its natural course, for him.

My 28 year old son did this with his very lovely girlfriend of 3 years - I think he just wanted some mental space to be honest for a month or so , but they lived together and he asked her to move out - guess what 3 months later she was happy in a new relationship and he was incredibly upset And hasn’t 8 months later rushed to meet anyone else - so he got space- permanently . I was very upset- but I do get her !

Sorry OP, but I think he wants out but is scared to burn his bridges ‘just in case’
Have a good cry and move on. Even if he came back after the month you could never trust that he wouldn’t do it again!
I’m sorry but let him go - he’s not the right man for you.

take the month and fuck his dad, that will teach him

This was my immediate thought

Extreme! But it would work!

Eew get rid of him.

He's sewing some oats and getting some strange and then he’ll come slopping back.

Also, if it’s a break and not a break up and he does sleep around it’s cheating because there was no conversation about break boundaries.

Throw him back before he wastes your youth.