Boyfriend wants a month-long break after five and a half years

[BeEdgyDenimCat]

My (25F) boyfriend (25M) has abruptly ended a 5 year relationship and turned it into a ‘break’ for a month…

For context, we have had a really healthy happy relationship for so many years. We met in uni, and have grown together and are doing the same career. We live separately at the moment because we are still young and in no rush to start a future together, we are both happy with this arrangement.

We have been slightly disconnected for a few months. Disagreements about emotional needs not being met etc and he is not the worlds most fantastic communicator, but I am relatively secure so I haven’t relied on this heavily.

Recently, we had some really tough conversations and toyed with the idea that this perhaps isn’t right for us right now. However, after those tough conversations, we had three weeks where we went from strength to strength and were having a fantastic relationship. This gave me renewed confidence in our connection and ability to make it through tough times. Then, after a week on holiday, he decided that he needed a month to consider whether this was right for him. In his words ‘is our relationship defined by the period of it being down or the periods when it is up?’. This has confused and concerned me, because surely I see it as looking forward and working through things.

I am now in a limbo free fall for all of August whilst essentially my fate is decided by my boyfriend, who I am on a break with, and is now being quite cold on messages because he ‘needs space’. Of course I respect the space, but this is obviously anxiety inducing and I am not sure what to make of it? It seems like I am more committed to this than he is.

Just read your first post but, he has found someone he wants to cheat with and so that’s why he is asking for a break btw,

I was just about to post this.

You had a little time and you had a little fun
Didn't ya, didn't you?
While you had yours, do you think I had none
Do you, do ya?
The freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good, I hope you're glad
Sad into unsad

Think on @BeEdgyDenimCat.

I am sorry OP. You can also use this time to evaluate your relationship. Ask yourself if his break to evaluate question is truly a fair ask, was it out of the blue, what was the disconnect really about and when you got back together was it resolved. Answer these from your own perspective.

Next is his behaviour, does he really need to be cold and quit for 4 weeks? How responsible is he if you want to talk about this instead?

You are choosing to leave your fate in his hands.

How humiliating to sit passively waiting for him to decide whether he wants you or not and meekly rejoin the relationship if he whistles you back over!

For your own self respect and self esteem you have to take the initiative and end the relationship yourself before he bestows his choice on you.

This and if I could I would fuck off on annual leave and do some travelling with a girlfriend.

I ran away abroad for a few weeks when it was me to stay with a friend my boyfriend hated.
I had never been abroad on my own before and the boyfriend found out from someone else. He actually rang me the night before and said…. I hope your plane crashes!
So he was sat at home on his break and I was having a riot elsewhere. Upset but I met so many new people and had such adventures.
We stupidly got back together a year later… and then broke off again!

Why are you waiting for someone who doesn’t respect you to make this decision. Bin him off OP, he doesn’t deserve you! Find someone a bit more mature!

There is someone else on the horizon, do not do The Pick Me Dance. Dump his sorry arse. Time to move on.

Also, make sure you use protection because he wants a break to shag other people. No doubt about it.

This was my thought.
You also get to make choices.

I don’t think what he’s suggesting is too crazy.

It sounds as though you could be together simply because it’s all you know and it’s more comfortable to stay together than separate permanently.

I think you need a proper break from each other to cut those ties.
I would argue that it should be a good 3 months apart.

I agree with him that you guys need to have a trial separation, however as a PP said, this isn’t all on him.
If you’re not ok with this then you can just separate completely.
He doesn’t get to decide what you do with your life.

I agree with all the PPs @BeEdgyDenimCat It must be hard to read all the replies.

When he announced he 'wanted a break', was there any discussion about seeing other people? I just have a hunch that he doesn't think you'll be doing that (definitely that Beautiful South song coming true here!). But he, of course, will be.

I've reached the age where I do what works for me, and in your shoes I would be tempted to tell him not to contact me ever again. But I don't think you're there yet.

I agree with this I'm afraid. He met someone on hol and wants to have sex with someone else without the guilt of cheating on you.

Or coukd he have caught something and he's playing for time? Not to worry sorry, but this did occur to me.

Whatever the reason, you don't have to let him call the shots.

People who are genuinely committed to a long term relationship do not have a one month break. They either break up permanently because it is over, or work on the tough parts whilst still fully in the relationship.

He is engineering the situation so that he can have sex with someone else and it won't be counted as cheating because you are "on a break". When the month is up he will decide whether he prefers single life/OW or you, and he expects you to be waiting with open arms to welcome him back. When you find out later (and you will) that he slept with someone else, he will shrug and say "but we were on a break".

Keep some dignity and decide now for yourself whether you will still want him after his month-long shagfest.

If "on a break" isn't in The Script it certainly should be.

Question is do you want to be with him?

If you don’t want to wait around and be someone’s option for a month, then don’t. Get out and enjoy your summer. If he doesn’t want to be with you now, you’re not obligated to accept him back in the future.

I would guess he wants to split up but that he is too scared to, so he is easing you into the idea.

You can't really take breaks in relationships I don't think. You are either together or not after 5.5 years

I am sorry you are going through this it sounds tough. However, in all honesty this sounds very Ross Geller "we were on a break". I would be suspicious about who else is out there and how he is spending his "break".

You can decide not to accept this though, and as others have said, you can draw a line under things.

You know him and your relationship best, but I had a similar 'break' with my ex-husband (triggered by him) when we were dating. It did irrevocably shift the balance of power in the relationship (which I imagine was part of the goal). I wish I had ended it then. Would have saved me years of a miserable marriage and acrimonious divorce.

We all need a break sometimes. It may be that he is feeling restless, could have been the other way round and you feeling like that.

A month is nothing. I'd suggest you have a break until after Christmas, then see how you feel in the new year.

You don't live together, think about the fun you can have as a free agent. You're only young once.

he wants to shag someone else and then see how he thinks and if he wants to go back to you

Break? Who is he shagging/hoping to?

I am now in a limbo free fall for all of August whilst essentially my fate is decided by my boyfriend, who I am on a break with, and is now being quite cold on messages because he ‘needs space’.

I completely appreciate this is how it feels right now, but please don't let his decision result in you leaving your fate in his hands. Allowing him to is allowing him control over you, and that is never a position you want to be in with a partner.

It is so difficult when it wasn't your choice, but you are not together and you don't have to wait around for him. He has chosen a break, you don't have to allow it. You have been together a long time and since you were young, try and use this time to go out with friends, meet new people, do things you wouldn't ordinarily do with him. Push yourself out of your comfort zone and have fun socially. Then if he comes back, take a moment and consider if it is still what you really want. Someone who was prepared to let you go. Don't make it easy for him to crawl back, be with someone who makes you feel valued.

Has he clarified what this month long "break" involves?

Is there to be:

Zero comunication? Once a week check in? Or not been clear?

Are you both able to date and potentially sleep with other people during this proposed break? Yes or no? (Call me a cynic but .....) Bet he's not clairified that either.

OP if you don't want a break regardless, then it's a break up isn't it.
If you want a boyfriend that isn't sure about you, then gently I'd ask you think about why you're considering accepting that set up? When you deserve someone who is 100% sure you are the one.

Just to play devil’s advocate, I know so many university couples that had that wobble mid twenties and are now still together in their 30s/40s with homes and kids as desired. Almost every instance the man had the wobble, left for a bit, decided he was in really, and they carried on from there. Couldn’t tell you if it’s the right thing to hold on, but just thinking of the at least 3 now happy couples I know that it happened to!