Boyfriend wants a month-long break after five and a half years

[BeEdgyDenimCat]

My (25F) boyfriend (25M) has abruptly ended a 5 year relationship and turned it into a ‘break’ for a month…

For context, we have had a really healthy happy relationship for so many years. We met in uni, and have grown together and are doing the same career. We live separately at the moment because we are still young and in no rush to start a future together, we are both happy with this arrangement.

We have been slightly disconnected for a few months. Disagreements about emotional needs not being met etc and he is not the worlds most fantastic communicator, but I am relatively secure so I haven’t relied on this heavily.

Recently, we had some really tough conversations and toyed with the idea that this perhaps isn’t right for us right now. However, after those tough conversations, we had three weeks where we went from strength to strength and were having a fantastic relationship. This gave me renewed confidence in our connection and ability to make it through tough times. Then, after a week on holiday, he decided that he needed a month to consider whether this was right for him. In his words ‘is our relationship defined by the period of it being down or the periods when it is up?’. This has confused and concerned me, because surely I see it as looking forward and working through things.

I am now in a limbo free fall for all of August whilst essentially my fate is decided by my boyfriend, who I am on a break with, and is now being quite cold on messages because he ‘needs space’. Of course I respect the space, but this is obviously anxiety inducing and I am not sure what to make of it? It seems like I am more committed to this than he is.

Nerves after 5 yrs is unusual bit you did get together young and you're still young, but not young enough to waste time on someone not completely committed and in love with you. What is he doing during his proposed month break? What does a break mean? A break from seeing each other or a break in the relationship where he's able to explore his options?

It shouldn't be this hard @BeEdgyDenimCat

Yes, and then share it with him and say "bye".

Don't demean yourself by waiting around hoping that he decides he wants to be in a relationship with you. Don't settle for someone who's not quite sure. Hold out for someone who's head over heels in love with you and couldn't bear the thought of being without you for a month. Onwards and upwards.

This is a break up, OP. And even if it isn't, you should turn it into one. Because are you really someone who spends a month worrying and wondering and hoping her man deigns to come back to her? And if he does come back, how does it change how he sees you, that you have just accepted this shitty behaviour? And if he doesn't come back, how do you feel about having waited around for him while he went off and did whatever he liked? It's the end of the relationship, whatever way you slice it.

Message him and say, you know what, this break isn't working for me. If you wanted to be with me, you wouldn't need a break. And I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

You'll feel better if you're the one to call it.

I agree with this I’m sorry to say.

You say he decided this after a holiday. Was that together or did he go alone with friends?

You were relatively young when you got together. Lots of relationships end at this period when there’s a realisation that there hasn’t been much experience of other people.

You sound lovely. Whether he stays or goes, you cannot spend August moping around. Make plans. See people. Distract yourself with your own busy and fun timetable. Give him the space.. literally do not get in touch. Let him miss you. He will either realise what he might lose.. or he won’t. If he chooses to walk away… hold your head up high and let him. Then focus all your energies into building a wonderful life without him.
Heart break is awful… but often on reflection, they have done you a favour.

if he chooses to stay… then make sure it’s with full commitment, two feet in. You deserve to be with someone who can’t believe their luck that you are with them… not someone who ‘isn’t sure’.

Did he go away for a week with friends?
If so he's probarly had his head turned / cheated.
Either way just tell him your done now and block.

In your position I would tell him I am not willing to wait around for him to decide what he wants. I would state that you consider yourself single from this moment on. If and when he decides he shouldn't have let you go, you might consider dating him again - assuming you are single. Then mute him and make a promise to yourself not to reach out to him under any circumstances. Then get yourself out there and have a few dates. Grey rock him if he tries to put out breadcrumbs to keep you attached to him (or ignore him).
I agree with everyone else his head is turned and he is hoping to try things out whilst keeping you as a back up. Alternatively, he just fancies seeing if anything better is out there. Either way it is not treatment you should be willing to accept. Your relationship will likely not survive but if it does, I believe this is the only way to save it as you demonstrate you value yourself. Although honestly, someone who thinks this is a good idea is not someone to plan a long term future with. He has some growing up to do first.

Sorry I think there is another woman in the wings. Sorry OP

Agreed. I’ve felt unable to break free fully from relationships in the past when I’ve been ready to go but the other person wasn’t ready to spilt. So I recognise this as a temporary-to-permanent, phased separation. Kindly OP, his actions are telling you he doesn’t want you in his life for a month, but I suspect that it is a longer term outlook from his perspective.

Yeah, sorry to say I think he's breaking up with you but is too cowardly to say so. Common male behaviour in my experience. At least he has the excuse of youth and immaturity, I suppose. Perhaps he's met someone else, perhaps he just wants to play the field, but clearly he doesn't want to continue as you were. I think you should regard it as over, take a bit of time to grieve and then look around at the new opportunities opening up for you, whether that's new relationships, new jobs, a relocation or going travelling. 25 is a fantastic age. You have the world at your feet.

He's met someone he fancies and wants to see if he prefers them to you.
Dump.

We were together on holiday and had a wonderful time

Nobody who loves you wants a break. Sorry to say. It's a really shitty way to treat someone. Go easy OP.

Mate, I don't fucking like him.

did the non break choosers go off and enjoy themselves or wait in limbo?

I don't think you need to dump him but definitely don't message him or call him for the next month. And don't answer your phone. Act like you don't need him and keep yourself busy- maybe arrange some weekends away. Have loads of fun and do some things you've wanted to do for a while but haven't got around to doing. Then YOU can decide whether he fits in your life. Put yourself in the driving seat and make sure you have more fun than him! Make him regret his month off!

Are you really prepared to hang about just in case he comes back ? Personally no man would get to treat me like that as I’d have just said forget it we are finished . Who does he think he is .

You are now Plan B . He is testing the water with someone else.

Your side of the conversation should have gone "But I don't want a break, so make your mind up now, or I will make it up for you and end this relationship".
You.missed that particular opportunity but you can still tell him you're done hanging on for him to make his mind up. Take control of the situation, OP, and you will feel so much better.

I think you should end it. Someone asked me for a break and I just said no. Sad as I was.

I'm sorry but I think you tell him you've had a think about his plan for a break and you don't agree with it. So you're going to split up with him.

If he really DID just want a breather for a few weeks he will be upset.
If he wanted a 'soft' break up, he will walk away without looking back.

If he's feeling doubt about your relationship or disconnected from you then in what world is pretending not to know you for a month going to help? At best it's not very adult behaviour.

But he doesn't get to have you hanging around for a month waiting for his decision. Let him go.

Listen to the song ‘I need a little time’ by the Beautiful South. It doesn’t end well for the bloke that suggested it.

He wants to break up but hasn’t got the balls to do it properly and swiftly. But he is breaking up with you by doing this

I agree. Basically, don’t play the ‘pick me’ dance, and take control of the situation. If you do decide to walk away, it won’t be easy - you’ve invested alot if time and energy into this relationship and done alot of growing up together. Allow yourself time to ‘grieve’ the future you thought you had with him.

And yes, have fun, meet up with your friends, go to Lisbon for the weekend, spa days with the girls. Also, don’t be afraid to tell people the situation. Don’t let him get away with it. You never know, someone may have information about this change of heart, whether his head has a been turned, job promotion elsewhere etc.