Fiancé says he wishes I was dead

[Luna98]

Hi everyone my fiance and I were arguing and he just came out with I hate you so much I wish you’d die. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to make of it. He said sorry and that he didn’t know what he was saying it was out of anger. He says horrible things when he gets angry then takes it back and says he loves me. Has anyone been through anything similar thanks in advance

OP, mine would say 'horrible things' to me once, and that was it. He'd never repeat it ever again. He does not want to marry you. He is making that more than obvious. Better even calling off the day before even, than marry a hateful man who detests you.

It feels harder now but it will feel a lot harder in a few years time when you are married/ have kids.

Explain to your family, tell them what’s been happening and ask for their help.

This.

I think your fiance has the potential to be very dangerous. He didn't threaten to call off the wedding or say he wished he'd never met you, he said he hated you so much he wished you were dead. He sounds like the kind of man who thinks if I can't have you no one will.

His behaviour is escalating because you now own a home together and the wedding is just weeks away. He hasn't suddenly become this person, he has always been this person but now he feels he's home dry and doesn't need to hide who he is anymore.

Do you think your family would want you to marry an abusive man? You need to tell people how he's been behaving and you need to find a safe way to leave because I don't think he will take it well.

Do not be swayed by tearful promises he will change. If he wanted to change he would already have worked on his insecurities. He hasn't because his emotions are your responsibility, if you just didn't have friends or any kind of life separate from your relationship with him he wouldn't be jealous. A man with this level of jealousy will not cope with you giving attention to children so please don't have any with him.

He told you he wished you were dead, treat that as a threat and protect yourself as if it were. I'm sorry this has happened but better to end things now rather than become a woman trying to escape a violent relationship with children.

Anyone who tries to tell you you are overreacting to words said in anger should be ignored.

Funnily enough, my husband and I have never said to each other “I hate you so much, I wish you’d die”.

we’ve had some humdinging rows but those words have never just been blurted out.

Recommend finding a way to leave this dangerous, abusive POS while not compromising your personal safety.

That’s really not someone you want to have kids with. Children push you 100% harder to keep your patience and bite your tongue than any adult argument does.

Honestly he sounds nasty.

I know it’s hard to call off your wedding, but he is clearly escalating his abuse towards you. It’s already veering towards coercive control, which is dangerous territory. And it will only get worse.

Are you close to your family? I hope you can tell them that you are calling off the wedding due to escalating abusive behaviours.

Is there someone you can confide in initially to tell them he’s being abusive? And get their support before you announce the wedding’s off to everyone else. Could you confide in a parent who can then tell the rest of the family that the wedding’s off?

Or you could speak to woman’s aid or another domestic abuse charity for advice initially.

Yes, @MsAmerica: thanks for reminding me of that central tenet of feminism - being cruel and devoid of empathy. What wave was that again?

If it feels overwhelming saying your splitting a month before the wedding, tell everyone you need to pause it. Then after a few days once the seed has time to settle says its over.

Don't marry him whatever you do. I know money has spent and it's overwhelming. Be so is a lifetime of abuse and control. His madk has slipped as your now trapped. But your not. Not yet

he sounds like an 8 year old spoilt brat and cruel with it, I bet he pulled butterflies wings off and tormented the cat - immature, unhinged, irrational, unpredictable, altogether dangerous

listen to the buzz of the hive here and call off th wedding - as a poster ^^ already
advised, ‘he thinks he is home and dry’ - your nightmare would be just beginning

Mine said similar and also would tell me to go kill myself when we had an argument…it gets worse believe me! Don’t marry him, it can escalate after you’re married or pregnant. Please leave him.

Hand the engagement ring back before the abuse becomes to often or physical
Peice of shit...no excuses.
Are you going to tell family or friends?

Why did you get engaged to this juvenile? Seriously OP, one comment like that and he would be out the door IMO!

I would sit your family down and ask them. How would you feel if I died? And they will be absolutely shocked and very concerned for your mental state / health. And then I would simply say, well my fiancé said that he wishes I was dead. Needless to say I’ll be cancelling the wedding.
You just need to ensure that the ‘shocking’ part of the conversation is actually the shocking part, and not the wedding being cancelled.

Sorry OP. That's awful.

I can remember 5! times hearing tales from friends and acquaintances
of fiance behaving strangely before a planned wedding, then violent
on honeymoon, whilst far away from family and friends, on flimsy
pretexts ‘you were looking at the waiter’ was one.
These men are coiled springs
whether successful in business or smartly dressed and smooth with it,
they are what are colloquially known as ‘losers’

You will very soon find out that as well as being an abusive POS, he's also cheating, and will probably have been cheating all along. Now he thinks he has you trapped (joint house and wedding in a month) he can ramp up the controlling behaviour, and project his own guilt on you freely.

I had one of these - thank fuck I didn't marry it.

FOJN - excellent post, thorough and incisive. OP take heed

I’m sorry but I don’t think he wants to be with you really, doesn’t have to courage to end it, maybe has nowhere else to go ? It will get worse he will resent you and cheat behind your back ect. Please make him leave today.

Either your fiance really hates you, or he is a highly immature man unable to control his anger and with the reactions of a child.
An adult man who has not developed sufficiently to control himself in anger, and regresses to the sort of behaviour a child would show is a huge red flag. All of that impulsively and lack of reasoned thinking in an adult male body is dangerous.

He says horrible things when he gets angry

soon you will be avoiding difficult discussions or standing up fir yourself to avoid hearing horrific words such as this

this is called emotional abuse and has no place in a healthy relationship

it will only get worse , he will NOT get better
this is dangerous and i urge you to mot marry him and leave him

DO NOT marry him. If you were my daughter and you came to me to say the wedding was off and the reason why you would have my full love and support. Don't commit to a lifetime with this man, you will regret it. Rather a few uncomfortable weeks now rather than a lifetime with a man (I use the word "man" loosely), who has shown he doesn't love you.

I know it’ll be a nightmare but you need to call it all off. He’s ramping up the jealousy, control and abuse now you have bought a house together and it’ll get worse once you’ve married him and he thinks he’s safe. He has shown you who he is - believe him.

I'm sorry but you're not ever going to forget him saying that to you. Please leave.