Fiancé says he wishes I was dead

[Luna98]

Hi everyone my fiance and I were arguing and he just came out with I hate you so much I wish you’d die. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to make of it. He said sorry and that he didn’t know what he was saying it was out of anger. He says horrible things when he gets angry then takes it back and says he loves me. Has anyone been through anything similar thanks in advance

I'm so sorry OP, you do not deserve this.

Please don't marry him, no matter what the cost of calling it off is.

I've been married for 39 years, never have I been spoken to like that. We have disagreed plenty of times, maybe three shouty fights, but never anything like that. My mum was a name caller, said awful things, then apologised. It is no way to live and it won't get better.

As a mum, I'd be nothing but supportive of you calling it off. There is someone better out there for you.

Keep it that way.

I know the feeling of “it’s easier to go ahead with it than have to tell people” as it’s something I did to a certain extent but divorce is so much more complicated than cancelling the caterers. And telling the vicar his services are no longer required.

What to tell the parents and future in-laws? Exactly what you’ve said here.

• he wishes you were dead
• he controls what you wear
• he controls how you see

I’m sure your parents will prefer you didn’t marry him after you tell them the truth. And stuff the future in-laws. They will choose his side of the story, but you never have to speak to them again!

He will get worse once you're married

The pain and stress of calling off the wedding will be nothing compared to the years of misery ahead of you marry this man.

Agree with this.

All the the best OP, you can do this!

This won't improve. Be grateful it's happening now. If you have a child with him he will tell you what a terrible mother you are when he gets overwhelmed from lack of sleep. Imagine a lifetime of being told you are not good enough. So sorry OP.

I know you said in one of your posts that you realise you have to leave him, OP.
I agree you absolutely do.
One day, rather than wishing you were dead, he may make sure of it.
Sorry to put it so graphically but it's true.

You need to leave him.

Look up sunk cost fallacy - humans have a tendency to keep going on the wrong path because they've poured effort into the path they're on (e.g. engagement, buying a house). As an abuser, he instinctively knows this and so he thinks you're starting to be trapped with him and he can start abusing you more. As PPs said, as you get more entrenched on this path the abuse will get worse.

You're on a path to a miserable life. Cut your losses and leave now. Your family will understand; they will judge him and not you. I'd tell a close friend or relative and see if you can move in with them before breaking it off as he sounds dangerous and unhinged.

Your husband lacks emotional regulation and needs therapy

This is only going to get worse as the years go by. You will waste your life walking on eggshells trying to placate him and you will lose yourself in the process.

Telling your family that’s the wedding's off is going to be easy compared to a lifetime of bitter regrets. Don’t delay, dot it TODAY!

I know I’m repeating what so many have already said, but don’t marry him. It doesn’t matter if wedding is in an hour, cancel it.

The thing to be thankful of here is that he showed you who he was now rather than when you have children.

I’ve had some arguments with my husband where we’ve both been angry, but never once have either of us said something like this. Not ever. It’s a vile thing to say.

I’ve read your post about how he’s jealous of you going out - this won’t get better. Already you’re confused as you’ve never given him any reason to be jealous, before you know it you’ll be ditching your friends as it’s not worth the aggro, or you don’t want to make him upset.

Don’t marry him.

Tell your family and your friends what is going on. They’ll help you cancel things - you won’t be the first person to cancel a wedding, nor the last. Don’t let any kind of embarrassment or ‘it’s too late’ type feelings stop you.
You have the rest of your life ahead of you, you deserve that to be with someone who absolutely adores you. He is not that person

Hes behaving like this now and showing his true self because he has it in his head he has you trapped now you've bought a house this is how it happens it usually rears its head once married or your pregnant . Believe him and leave save yourself years and years of being miserable trust me ! Screw your relatives just tell them hes turned controlling and has told you he wants you dead and you wont tolerate it end of story they dont have to live with him .

My DP is quite fiery as am I and we do argue a bit. But he has never ever said anything like that- no matter how angry he is. If he did I think we would both know the relationship was over.

Oh OP, you are in a horrible situation.

But it will get worse if you marry him. It always does.

And it isn’t just the anger, as you say. He has already started to be controlling, with forcing you to end friendships.

What happens is that an angry, emotionally abusive man gradually takes away all your confidence. He makes you feel it is your fault. And you end up isolated and lacking the self belief to rescue yourself.

Do you have one very close friend or relative who would be in your side and outraged at his behaviour to you? Tell them and ask them to be by your side as you call things off with your family.

Money, houses, can all be unpicked and sorted.

Your mental health and wellbeing: can be destroyed.

@Luna98 good luck.

im presuming he’s not offered to get counselling or anything. Just empty excuses of how he doesn’t mean it etc?

has he explained why he’s become jealous recently when it’s not been an issue prior?

Could he be cheating and deflecting by behaving like this?

I’ve never done anything to make him lose trust I’ve even had to cut off male friends due to his

Based only on this comment you have to leave him before you continue thinking him being jealous could be your fault.

I can guarantee that cancelling the wedding won't be a problem for your families, don't go through with this out of a fear of disappointing people. You only get one life and should live it your way. It would be much more difficult to unravel your relationship post wedding.

Run, run, run.

No, I have never been spoken to like that by a man. Why on earth have you tolerated it? Even if it's in the heat of the moment, your partner is very well aware of what he's saying. The words aren't coming out of his mouth without any control. He has control, he's choosing not to use it.

I definitely wouldn't be marrying a man who chose to speak to me like I'm something he scraped off the bottom of his shoe.

He thinks he has you secured now with the house and the imminent wedding.

It will get worse once the ring is on your finger.

I hope he is now an ex.

No no no, get out ASAP! This is not something people say to each other, let alone during their pre-wedding phase!
All dynamics are different obvioculy and people may have silly nicknames or joke in a very dark manner but this thing is these are jokes and lighthearted names, not something thrown in your face during in argument in a serious tone! What he said is unacceptable. Leave.

Your family and friends will be relieved you cancelled the wedding when they hear the truth op. You poor love. You are only young and can easily bounce back from this - at the moment.

If he’s said it he not only thinks it he’s bold enough to let you know. Leave before it becomes reality.

Small steps. So firstly speak to your parents as soon as possible. Get their support to get away from this vile man.
I had a friend who went ahead despite similar warning signs. He was hitting her within weeks of the wedding.

A man who really loved you would be distraught to even think of you dead, let alone wish it on you aloud... Honestly, I find that a really frightening thing for someone to say...

I bet he thinks he has put more into the house and wedding etc than you have and thus that he has 'bought' you... Men like this are bad, bad news, and I won't add to that litany - what you need now are the practical steps...

@IsawwhatIsaw is right, you need to start talking to people - shine a light on this - and I agree that you'll find you have a lot of support and agreement from the people who love you. Start looking into how you would cancel and reverse the arrangements. Losing money is better than losing your self, your spirit...

You would wake up on the morning after the wedding and you would regret it.

Sending you strength and courage on your road to freedom. 🤗

"I’ve even had to cut off male friends due to his insecurities."

No you haven't.

You don't 'have' to do anything just because a partner demands it - especially if it's unreasonable, coercive or abusive. The moment a partner thinks it's ok to use horrible dehumanising language in an argument (but he said he loved me afterwards so it's ok!) or tells you to stop seeing certain people or going to certain places, is the moment you're no longer in an equal relationship.

If he can't maintain his composure in moments of conflict and talk like a normal adult in a normal relationship, he's not the kind of person anybody should choose to live with for the rest of their lives.