Fiancé says he wishes I was dead

[Luna98]

Hi everyone my fiance and I were arguing and he just came out with I hate you so much I wish you’d die. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to make of it. He said sorry and that he didn’t know what he was saying it was out of anger. He says horrible things when he gets angry then takes it back and says he loves me. Has anyone been through anything similar thanks in advance

Listen to your Mumsnet aunties. Even if it’s awkward or complicated, respect yourself enough to know that what he’s doing is not okay and don’t go through with the wedding.

Wishes you dead + insanely jealous + controlling = He'll be the death of you @Luna98

This is going to get worse so think twice about getting married to him.

I don't know how much experience you've had with men, but this type of behaviour typically emerges when they are projecting their insecurities, subconscious guilt, and their own behaviours. This is because they have cheated, or know they themselves cannot be trusted; so they gaslight you into being the guilty one.

I'm glad you're calling off the wedding. It sounds like he resents you because he wants to go dip his wick elsewhere.

How long have you been with him?

It can take a good while for an abuser to show their real colours

Bumping

womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

It will escalate; it always does. He was fine, until he wasn’t. I did 24 years because we had children. It started with lots of little put downs, then escalated. When I escaped I didn’t know who I was. I had a complete breakdown, DS one had to move back in. Ten years down the line and Imhappy and safe but with it’s, so something must be working! Just run, as far and fast as you can !

Please leave him OP, it will only get worse.

My XH told me daily that he hoped I’d get cancer and die, or die in a car crash. Don’t be like me and get conditioned to it.

No-one who cared for you would say such things.

GET. OUT. NOW. Don't walk, RUN!!

You had to chuckle?

I can’t imagine what kind of life you and any children might have with this horrible man. Please walk away.

Do not marry this guy and have children. It’s not easy to call off a wedding but you’ll thank yourself later. This guy will only get worse. You can’t say stuff like that and then say you take it back.

Jeez, get out now op. Calling off the wedding is waaay better than a divorce.

What did I just read?! Does it make you feel better to be so condescending and nasty? OP came here for advice and support and that’s all you have to offer!

I wonder if he thinks he has you trapped, now the wedding is so close?

His behaviour is a series of red flags. Please leave him - for your sanity.

Accusations of cheating are often the real cheat judging the accused by their own standards.

Has he always accused you?

Regardless dump him asap. Cancel the wedding, call your parents and friends today ask for support.

Whether you call your wedding off or not, that is up to you.

But trust me when I say, this won’t stop as soon as you get married.

It WILL get worse.

He is already very controlling, even without the hateful outbursts. This is going to snowball once you are married.

Pause the wedding.

A simple text is enough to your guests. Keep it brief. Please talk to a really trusted friend or family member and get some real life support. Book some counselling too, so you can process what is happening.

His insecurity is going to completely ruin your life. Please don’t marry him.

At this stage you only have a house together, you don’t have children or a divorce to get through. Cut your losses whilst you still can.

This is who he is pp. He needs professional help but that isn’t going to ‘fix’ him and certainly not in time for a wedding.

Perhaps speak to your family about it so they can support and help you. Unfortunately, you may not be safe during the split.

Please don't marry him. The man I married was like this before our wedding. I STILL married him. He got worse.

His abuse broke me. Four years after we split (after his final assault), I suffer from PTSD and struggle with depression. Sometimes I drink too much to numb the memories of what he did.

Don't let this happen to you. You deserve a lot better. You're right to cancel the wedding. Please, please do this. He will no doubt beg and grovel.

If he seeks help then there's a SMALL chance his attitudes could change. But it must be some sort of abusers' programme. Therapy or counselling could just turn him into a well-adjusted nasty bloke.

Don't end up like me. Please x

Better for you, your family and friends to miss your wedding than have to attend your funeral.

There is something deeply wrong with your hopefully, soon to be EX-fiance. Mentally healthy, morally decent people do not say that shite. He will not get better, he will only get worse. More abusive, more controlling and soon, the verbal violence could change into actual physical violence. He thinks he has you now, so he can show his true colors. He knows the wedding is in a month and you now have a house. He considers you "tied" to him, so out comes his real self.

As for the house, either sell it or if one can handle the mortgage, buy out the other person.

⬆⬆Reposting the above because it needs to seen/read by @Luna98 !⬆⬆

@Luna98 Please make sure you are away from him and safe before you break it off. Do NOT be alone with him at any time.

I am a parent. If my DD came to me and told me what your AHF said, I would not care about the money or anything else. JUST her safety!

You've got to leave.

My ex was utterly vile and said and did some awful things but he never stooped this low.

Language is powerful. Before you know it you'll be married to an abuser at best or he will physically hurt you to back up his words.

Yes, been through similar. Last time they saw my face or heard my voice.

You do mean ex surely?

Don't degrade yourself by staying with this unstable and dis-regulated lemon.

He’s banking on the fact that you won’t break things off now you’re this close to the wedding. Please don’t marry him just to save face.