Fiancé says he wishes I was dead

[Luna98]

Hi everyone my fiance and I were arguing and he just came out with I hate you so much I wish you’d die. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to make of it. He said sorry and that he didn’t know what he was saying it was out of anger. He says horrible things when he gets angry then takes it back and says he loves me. Has anyone been through anything similar thanks in advance

Again, thinking practically: do you have a sibling or good friend who would be willing to take over some of the duties? Letting people know the wedding is off, helping you communicate with caterers, photographers etc? Sort the paperwork for you?

I think you don’t have a choice, he is waving so many flags he is sending messages in semaphore. Immature. Abusive.Jealous. Poor impulse control. Controlling.

Calling off the wedding will be expensive and embarrassing, but going through with the wedding will also be expensive and embarrassing but will possibly put you in future danger from a frustrated and angry man.

You need to make some phone calls today. Start with your parents to let them know what is happening, I hope they support you unconditionally. Next choose a couple of good friends to help you through the next few days, weeks and months. I bet once you start telling people what has happened most of them will sigh a huge sigh of relief and say “ Thank goodness you have seen through him, we’ve all been wondering if we ought to say something about him.”

Good luck!

Just adding my voice to all the others here so you see that it is unanimous - things will only get worse unless you end it now. The reason it is ramping up now is because he thinks he has you secured. Just bought a house, about the get married - it means he can start showing his true, abusive, self now. Lots of abusers are able to play the long game. I guarantee it will get worse if you get married. Don’t marry him just because you are embarrassed at cancelling the wedding and telling people it is off. Just tell them what he said, and I think you will find your family and friends will be proud of you for walking away.

it will be hard but you definitely do need to end this. now you have bought a house he's feeling that you are committed to him and his mask has slipped. he's showing you how your life will be for the rest of your life if you stay with him. Tell a close friend, get all your paperwork together regarding the house and get a solicitor, get the ball rolling. if you feel unsafe at all you need advice from a women's organisation.

I'm reading all the replies on here and agreeing with every single one.

I know it's so so so hard to do, but you need to TRUST that you CAN meet someone better.

You do need to leave this man, sweetheart. That is a disturbing thing to say. Go watch "My Lover, My Killer" on Netflix and be one of the lucky girls who gets out before it's too late. And gets out before children are involved. Break the cycle. Break your own patterns. For your future kids!

Go seek therapy to help you through. And I highly recommend Helena Hart online for helping with your mindset. She helped me get over an ex I NEVER thought I'd get over and start to respect and value myself and trust that there was better.

Sunshine, just remember, "You have all the time in the world".

Read that sentence again.

Use that time to find someone who TREATS you right. You are worth it!! No matter WHAT you think about yourself. Please remember you are worth it. YOU are the prize!

Please don't give him a second chance. Any wedding money spent is worth losing if it means saving your life. Someone who says that to their fiancé... that is terrifying.

Sending you love and strength to walk away. I promise, you will look back one day and realise the pain was worth it.

Ex-fiancé. That is the only solution here. Of course he’s sorry. They always are. Then the next time when it’s worse he’ll be even more sorry. One day the flowers will start, probably when the verbal escalated to physical. Get out now OP and don’t look back.

Please don't marry him. He's resentful of you and clearly doesn't love you. He wears a mask. When you marry, it will gradually slip to show you himself more and more. Potentially moving to domestic abuse.

Please, get away from this man now.

He’s got to go girl.

Rally friends and family to help BEFORE you tell him. Put a plan in place and have someone at hand when you tell him.

It might have just been a figure of speech when he wished you dead but it shows it’s in his head.

Take no chances.

Get friends and family to unpack wedding arrangements. Go to your GP for mental health support as you may well need it as the reality and enormity hits home.

You might not believe this now but you’re a baby at 27 and you have a huge life ahead of you. Don’t waste it a controlling man.

Good luck!

You focus on practicalities for now.
Make a list of all the steps involved in cancelling the wedding.
Make a list of all the paperwork/essentials you need to take out of the house.
Prioritise the list of people you need to tell, I would start with your parents, wedding off because of his controlling and comments, ask if you can go to them for a bit.
Tell fiancé once you are out of the house. Up
to him to tell his family..
Do the venue, caterer cancellations as soon as possible. Tell your bridesmaids.
Accept all help offered in unpicking the wedding arrangements.
You might well find that people are not surprised and have noticed things.
Good luck.

Dump him. He's not nice.

That is terrifying, tell your loved ones and get out x

Know also that there are men whose abuse starts or ramps up significantly when their partner is pregnant /once she has a baby. Imagine that.
Get out now.

I am sure your family would much prefer a called off wedding than a hospitalised (or worse) daughter.

You're the same age as my daughter. I would want her to cancel the wedding and to talk to me about what was going on. Your family will be the same, their priority will be protecting you.

Your families will understand, especially when you go to them, tell them about the row and that he said he hates you so much he wishes you were dead.

Honestly - that is one of the worst things anybody could ever say to anyone, and it is not something that can ever be taken back or forgotten, no matter how angry they were when they said it. In the heat of the moment, people say a lot of things, but not that. He is despicable.

Please, for the love of God, DO NOT marry this man under any circumstances.

If you think it's hard to leave now, it will be harder after your married. Unless he goes through proper therapy work and looks hard at himself, he's just going to get worse.

I have a daughter. If she told me her finance wished her dead during an argument I’d bar the door rather than let her marry him.

I wouldnt give a damn about how much money had been lost, I’d only care that she was as far away from his as possible.

It sounds like his true colours are showing now he feels he has got trapped. It’s likely to get worse.

Do you have family you could move in with as a short term measure?

No-one has ever said anything remotely like that to me.

Actually, I take that back, maybe my child when they were about 4??

I agree with the others, this does not sound like a normal, healthy, respectful relationship and, hard as it is, I would bring it to a close.

Please don’t marry this man. You are a wonderful woman who will only dial down her own light to keep him on an even keel. Your life will be brighter without him.

This is supposed to be the good bit, when you are desperately in love and think each other can do no wrong.
There are two reasons that he could say this-
He is abusive and it’s an early indication.
He’s really fucking childlike, he’ll not be the mature partner that you need.

OMG this is such a lucky escape, cutting off your friends as he's jealous... this is one of the very real symptoms of abusive behaviour, I can tell you from living it, its just the tip of the iceberg. Massive Red Flag, there is no therapy that will cure a chronically jealous partner.
I beg you not to marry him

Run.FLEE. Do not look back ! PLEASE!!!

I keep coming back here hoping to see an update and that the OP has dumped this abusive POS and is safe.

OP if you are still there, many years ago my best friend called off her HUGE and expensive wedding the week before. She dreaded telling her mum who had paid for most of it. Some people had already flown into the country from abroad. She nearly went through with it just to 'keep the peace'. Thank God she didn't. Everyone understood and was proud of her for being brave. She now lives happily and safely with the love of her life and her beautiful son.