Am I wrong for wanting to move in with my partner?

[Skyeblue91]

I was married for 10 years and we have two boys together. We divorced several several years ago and the boys are 13 and 16.
i now have a serious relationship with a woman that lives 4 hours away.
my ex husband is married and stays in a city near by.
me and my kids live with my grandmother.
i brought up wanting to move in with my partner and you would have thought the roof caved in.
i said the boys had two options, live with me or their dad.
neither one of them want to live with their dad they want to stay at my grandmothers. Since we’ve been there all these years.
but now I’m being told that I don’t love my children enough to be around them anymore. I’m being told that my happiness doesn’t matter. My youngest told me he hates me because I want to do this. Can someone PLEASE give me your opinion. I’m back into a corner.

I agree with what you're saying but this is actually the Great-Grandmother of the two boys and I really don't think it's fair to leave two teenage boys with an elderly lady who may have health issues or may develop problems during the next few years whilst they're completing their education

It doesn't seem fair to either the OP's grandmother or sons to purposely leave them in that situation

If she loved you, she would be willing to make that sacrifice. She understands you have children and I'm sure she wants you to put them first. Money means nothing compared to their wellbeing and happiness.

Honestly, just wait. Your youngest would've finished school in 3 years time, let them at least get through secondary school in one place. Then revisit the possibility.
How long have you been with your partner? Have they had much time to get used to her in your life and build up a relationship with her of their own, being so far away? That may also have an impact on how they feel.

But for the time being I think you should put them first when it comes to moving. If your girlfriend is the right person for you, they'll wait for 3 years to revisit.

Yes, you’re wrong. You need to put your children first. You will regret it if you don’t - they won’t be children for much longer.

Op, this is so insanely selfish it’s actually off the scale. You have ALREADY been so selfish and emotionally manipulative to have even suggested it/thought it. Your poor kids to have told them you are considering this.

i like to think I’m not selfish - here’s what my thought process would be. What would make my children happy is my first thought. Do they have friends, thriving at school etc? If yes, then we stay where we are. I wouldn’t even be dating someone 4 hours away. I made the choice to have children, so I look after them till they’ve left home.

You absolutely shouldn’t be moving in with her and forcing your kids to either move 4 hours away or move in with their dad and his own new family. Totally unreasonable. See your girlfriend when your kids are with their dad/ weekends/ holidays and wait until your kids have left home to move in.

I'm sorry but at those ages your boys come first. Doesn't raising them bring you happiness? You can live with your partner when they're older and independent? You'll ruin your relationship with them forever if you do this and no relationship is worth that. If your girlfriend is for life then there's no rush.

Such a shame this isn't in AIBU . . . I think it's one of the rare occasions when there would have been a 100% for 'You are being VERY unreasonable' . . . .

OP, when you make the decision to become a parent, you make a commitment to your children. You commit to putting their needs first. Of course you have the right to be happy... but not at their expense.

If your partner isn't willing or able to move, then maybe the relationship needs to stay long distance until your kids are older. It won't be forever.

I don't think it's reasonable to uproot two teenagers from everything that they know simply because you want to set up house with someone. And I also find it pretty weird that you essentially told them that they could live with their dad and you would move four hours away without them. What message do you do think all of this is sending them about your priorities?

And yes, it sounds like their dad is crap and hasn't prioritised them either, but that's beside the point. Him putting his own needs ahead of those of his children doesn't make it ok for you to do the same.

Your kids will be adults in a few short years, and then you'll have the freedom to live as you choose. Until that time, you have responsibilities.

I agree with the children. You need to wait until youngest is 18.

I suggested waiting until 18, meaning that that was the minimum age that OP should even be considering it and not that I didn't think it was still a bad idea at that age. Personally I think she was mad to get involved in a long distance relationship in the first place but having chosen to do so she needs to make a hard choice now.

Yeah, you can't really do this without major major resentment and rightly so. It's four hours away and they are teenagers and there is no objective reason for it other than that you want to live with your DP. It's not like you've secured an amazing job that will enable you to have a rich lifestyle or something like that. There is literally no benefit to the kids of this move and it will be really hard on them. Just wait five years and move then. Or you could move out and leave them with their gran but they will resent you for it.
How long have you been with your gf? Does she want to live with your kids?

But I think you know that this is a no-go. Their dad being a selfish twat doesn't mean that it's okay for you to do this. Presumably they would also lose the relationship to their dad if they moved, as well as rarely seeing their grandmother. Please don't. If I were your girlfriend, I wouldn't allow you to do this because I wouldn't want that sort of thing on my conscience.

“Can someone PLEASE give me your opinion”

Certainly. My opinion is that you’re being selfish and not putting your children first in the way that you should do.

Put living with your partner on hold for a few years until they’re adults.

I think there has to be a cut-off and 18 is it because it's the age that legal adulthood begins and parental responsibility ends. You don't have to physically be there for an adult child. I know plenty of friends whose parents moved abroad (some through remarriage) when they were over 18 and it was fine. While it's absolutely wrong for the OP to do this now, it is fine when her youngest is 18 and if he wants to live with his gran at that point, that's an option if he wants to stay in the area. His older brother will be 21 by then and independent. Some people on here go a bit too far with adults in their 20s. It's totally fine to want and have an independent life at that point, same as many young adults would move to Australia without a second thought for their parents at that age.

It’s interesting to me that you expect your kids to make this huge sacrifice for your happiness but not your partner to do so.

Staying where you are doesn’t rule out living with her, but it does require her to either move now (she could rent out her place if she wants to go back to it in future), or to wait until your kids are older for you to move to her. It is much more reasonable to ask her to do one of these things than to ask teenagers to uproot their entire lives for a parent’s relationship.

Can someone PLEASE give me your opinion.

You suck.
Prioritise your children.

Teens need parenting even more than primary school children IMO.

Poor kids.

Put them first, until they have completed their education at least.

You seem to be deflecting onto your ex. Its not a competition to see who is the shittiest parent. Just because he behaves like an arse, doesnt justify you wanting to behave like one.

If your girl friend really loves you then that love will extend to your boys and she will understand why moving them so far from their faimily, friends and support network isn’t going to work.

Long distance relationships are hard, but they can work. Thousands of people , for example those in the military, deal with them and make them work.

It is easier than ever to keep in close contact with people, if you are really in love and not just in lust then you will step back from the idea of moving and disrupting everyone’s lives and start making plans to keep your relationship going by behaving like an adult not a moony teen.

If the relationship has legs it will work whatever the distance. And if it all falls apart then at least you haven’t screwed your kids lives up for them and ended up stranded somewhere none of you want to be.

Put your children first.

I think you are still angry with your XH. Why should HE be able to go about living life as he pleases, dating and marrying whoever he wants, when your life is restricted by the necessity of bringing up your joint children?

I get it. It's not fair. You do all the grunt work, he carries on life as normal. Sadly, that's what often happens. You can't compete with him and his lifestyle, not yet. But your boys will be grown up and away soon, or at least adult and able to make their own life choices. Perhaps your GF could rent out her house and look at moving somewhere even a couple of hours closer, work depending? Otherwise you're just going to have to settle in for another few years of an LDR. But if it's the right relationship for both of you, you should be able to get through this.

How long have you been together?
Why do you live with your grandmother?

My Dsis waited until her DS was settled at university before moving to live with her partner. This was around eight years. The fact your partner is female is irrelevant, your DC come first. No one is asking her to sell up, but YABU not to put DC first. What is a few years wait n the grand scheme of things?

I’m sorry but I don’t think this a good idea. I think the kids need stability and such change is not going to help them. It’s not fair on you that you are carrying the load while their dad plays such a minor role. But I think the kids need to feel they come first for someone. You need to prioritise their needs.

Skyeblue91 You asked for an opinion, every single post is giving you the same opinion and advice. I don't know how it can be more clearer.

Put your children first. If you leave your children, then don't wonder 10 or 20 years down the line, why they have resentment towards you.

It will be too late to say, 'I know I've made mistakes.' It will be too late for regrets.

Make the right choice now and give them the priorty and love they need from their mother.
Show them with your actions that you love them more and they will always come first, by being there for them.