Am I wrong for wanting to move in with my partner?

[Skyeblue91]

I was married for 10 years and we have two boys together. We divorced several several years ago and the boys are 13 and 16.
i now have a serious relationship with a woman that lives 4 hours away.
my ex husband is married and stays in a city near by.
me and my kids live with my grandmother.
i brought up wanting to move in with my partner and you would have thought the roof caved in.
i said the boys had two options, live with me or their dad.
neither one of them want to live with their dad they want to stay at my grandmothers. Since we’ve been there all these years.
but now I’m being told that I don’t love my children enough to be around them anymore. I’m being told that my happiness doesn’t matter. My youngest told me he hates me because I want to do this. Can someone PLEASE give me your opinion. I’m back into a corner.

This has got nothing to do with the children's father, who they've never lived with (you've not said so I think,) so at this point it's unfair to expect them to live with him, even if he had a stable life.

It's equally unfair to uproot your teens to live with a partner that distance away at this point in their education. A same sex partner with that age group might bring it's own issues.

I wouldn’t move at those ages no.

Wait 5 years until your youngest is 18 and has finished school/ college. At that point you’ll have more freedom.

Selling house and finding new job vs leaving your kids behind or at best totally ripping them away from their lives. Your partner has to be the one to move.

Is she your first girlfriend @Skyeblue91
First relationship with a woman, especially if you've always had a niggle that you might be a lesbian (I realise you may be bi), can be really intense and powerful and lead you to make bad decisions.
And moving in with her with your children would be a very bad decision.
You'll just have to stay long distance for now or, easier said than done I'm sure, she'll have to move to you.

I agree 💯%.
Put your kids first. It won't be long before they are older and adults, then your time will come to do as you please.
You will risk losing your relationship with your boys if you prioritise moving in with your girlfriend.
If they refuse to go with you, and you decide to go, I think they will have resentment, that you have abandoned them.

If their dad does whatever he wants, then you need to be the stability in your childrens lives. You don't need to copy what their dad does.
You are very wrong to move them away. I dearly hope you will put your children first.

All of this.

This is quite an upsetting thread. The kids have a useless dad, and now their mum is presenting them with this choice. Some commenters are suggesting waiting until they turn 18. Does parenting really end at 18?
I do sigh for children having this double dysfunction thrust upon them.

You can surely see that it is totally unreasonable to move your children 4 hours away. Especially at their ages!
If you insist on moving, can they stay with Grandma? You can pay generous maintainance alongside their dad so it doesn't cost her financially of course.
Or, you can wait until they are old enough to fend for themselves and then go live with your partner.
But, yeah, you cannot expect them to be happy about this and you are being totally unreasonable to even suggest it. Your children's wellbeing should come first, always.
If you want to compare yourself to their useless Dad then fair enough, do the same as him, leave them with Grandma and visit them occasionally.

I understand how it sounds selfish.

Only because it is really bloody selfish.

By all means continue a relationship, but you squeeze that in around your kids and your job. Your kids are not at an age where they were going to be thrilled by this, let alone moving schools. Sometimes you do need to put yourself on the backburner and prioritise your kids.

It's only 5 years until the youngest turns 18, put your kids first.

I totally agree with what all other PP's are saying about uprooting your DS's

But I also feel desperately sorry for your grandmother. I'm presuming that she has helped you out with childcare for a considerable period of time and you have said that your DS's would prefer to stay with her which makes it sound as though they have a close bond

She has shared her home with you and your DS's and you now want to strip her of all of that? Have you discussed with her how SHE feels? I imagine she's fairly elderly? She may, even subconsciously, have been imagining that you would be there to help her in her later years.

I've got a strong feeling she's made a lot of sacrifices to share her home with you and your DS's and I think she needs to be taken into consideration as well

Another one putting her own 'happiness' first. Sod the children. I want to move on. Disgusting disregard for the mental wellbeing of the children. Irresponsible, selfish behaviour.

I'm surprised that you're so surprised they're upset. 4 hours away means leaving everything. Of course they want to stay where they are. Choose your children and continue your relationship, but live together later.

I mean...its true, your happiness doesn't matter when your job is to provide stability for your children. You have the rest of your life, when they are adults, to put yourself first. Why disrupt this crucial stage of their life so drastically. How would you feel at their age to have to move away from everything they have ever known? They will remember that you put their needs last. What kind of relationship do you want with the boys when they are older? What you choose to do now will impact the rest of their lives.

I can’t actually believe this is true! You’re not some footloose fancy free singleton. Your dc have got to be your absolute priority.

You've never lived with this woman so you have no idea if you’ll get on long term. What if it all goes tits up and you realise you’ve made a huge mistake?

It's very, very, very common post-divorce for people to make rather self-indulgent choices in the name of happiness and not being alone.
No wonder we have an epidemic of dysfunctional children.

No it doesn't. But it would be much more defensible to move away at 18 and leave the youngest living with his grandma than to do it now or to force him to move 4 hours away.

Yes it is selfish behaviour. If their dad doesn't give a shit then that doesn't mean you have to do the same.

You appear to understand and have empathy for the reasons your partner cannot move to your town, you have given her reasons more importance but you can't understand your children's feelings.
They need stability, after the break up of your marriage they moved in with their grandmother, now you want them to move again.
No.
Children have feelings and needs aswell. You can't just keep moving them around and make them feel like they don't belong anywhere.

Either put your children first or you will lose your relationship with them. At their ages, they will have the resentment of being abandoned.

Also, why can't your partner move to your town?
She can put her house on rent or sell it. It's possible. Think about it?
If its difficult for her and she has reasons, your reasons for not moving yet, are more important. It won't be long your boys will be adults, then you can enjoy your life, plus you are not ending your relationship, you will be continuing it long distance for a little longer.

I hope you will do the right thing and put your boys happiness first, as they deserve that.

Agree with this - there must be something else going on to have promoted the Op to start a long distance relationship. I used to have a friend who did similar. He delivers my sought out someone who lived a hundred miles away so he ultimately had the excuse to leave the are and start afresh. The op could have been happy with lots of people and it’s naive and childish to think that a person 4 hours away is destined to be the one and you have to be together. There are lots of people with whom you could be happy.

Agree with every other poster and would be saying it was a terrible idea even if it were an amazing job offer thar you were proposing moving for, something that would benefit your boys. It is ALL loss on their side. I have a 19 year old son and the last 6 years have been a rollercoaster, even with a very solid base and minimal change on the parental side. They really do need us to be solid as a rock in those years I think.

Sacrifice another four years for your children.
Of course they do not want to move. They don't want a step parent, a new home or school. Leave them settled.

Their father, his opinions and his marriages is irrelevant. If he was all in favour, saying ‘Go on, knock yourself out’, you would still be ripping two teenagers away from home, school, friends and family for a relationship that, bluntly, only benefits you.

I was in a serious relationship from 200 miles away. Now married nearly 20 years.

Awful that you’d uproot your children, taking them from family/school/friends, just so you can live with your partner. YABVU. You either wait until they’re both 18+ or she moves closer to you.

I can't be in your corner, sorry. Mum of 4 sons here. I would never move them away from their family, school & friends.
Your happiness matters but it shouldn't come at the cost of theirs.
Let them stay at their grandmas, she sounds the best option out of you and their dad seeing as you gave them an ultimatum and none involved anything they would like to do

What about your Grandmother.

shes housed and subsidised and supported you and your children from years and you want to abandon her too.

zero respect OP.