Am I wrong for wanting to move in with my partner?

[Skyeblue91]

I was married for 10 years and we have two boys together. We divorced several several years ago and the boys are 13 and 16.
i now have a serious relationship with a woman that lives 4 hours away.
my ex husband is married and stays in a city near by.
me and my kids live with my grandmother.
i brought up wanting to move in with my partner and you would have thought the roof caved in.
i said the boys had two options, live with me or their dad.
neither one of them want to live with their dad they want to stay at my grandmothers. Since we’ve been there all these years.
but now I’m being told that I don’t love my children enough to be around them anymore. I’m being told that my happiness doesn’t matter. My youngest told me he hates me because I want to do this. Can someone PLEASE give me your opinion. I’m back into a corner.

This is the most dreadful thing I’ve ever read on Mumsnet. Please put your boys first and let them stay where they are until your youngest is 18. Believe me, you risk ruining the 13 year old‘s life in particular. Do you really want to do that?

I was actually in the same situation. I waited until my youngest went to uni and moved.
Made sure we had space for both kids. They have both moved here at various times, when they needed somewhere to live or a break or during covid.
They dont love where we live tbh but still come.
Honestly just wait until they are at uni or working.

Wow 👌 so divorce, mums a lesbian , here's my new girlfriend and BTW im moving you 4 hours away from everything you've ever known, don't mean to sound crude but put your kids before your fanny yeah , they've had so much to deal with already

How selfish of you. Your poor children, they’ve seen where your priorities are now and it’s not with them is it. How about you put them first while they are still young.

You are deeply wrong. So they have one bad parent who doesn’t care about them and their lives and now you want to show them they actually have two. They should be your priority.

I have dc of similar age my partner lives an hour away and I would not move until they finished school. I also wouldn’t live with a partner with teens it sounds like a recipe for disaster. They need you to put them first they are children. Maybe find a partner who lives nearer.

Asking a sixteen and thirteen year old to move four hours away is massive. New schools. New friends. Not seeing their Dad, even if it's normally once a week, moving away from their grandmother who they have lived with for years.
I can only see a few options:
The partner rents her house out and comes to live with/near you
The boys stay with their grandma
with the option of joining you later if they wish
The boys stay with their dad.
You go without them and try to negotiate that you have them for school holidays
You put off living together until the boys are older and make the best of computing by taking turns to travel to each other. Sometimes meeting half way for weekend breaks together.
No way would I expect boys those ages to uproot to move four hours away. Don't know which option is best or if there are any others. Bearing in mind that relationships do sometimes break down and you don't know how living together will work out until you've tried it I would go for option of taking turns to commute to each others place as hard as it is until you are certain through trial period and the boys are older

Fucking hell!!

I don’t think this has gone quite how the op hoped. It’s pretty unanimous.

I think your kids come first. You get more freedom when they’re 18.

Their dad is an arse who puts himself first. It’s not be fair that mums are always expected to be the reliable ones, but someone has to be.

A move like that at those ages would be hugely disruptive to their education and therefore should only happen where unavoidable. I think you need to stick it out for the next 5 years, and if you and your partner don’t want to wait that long she should probably think about getting a new job and moving to where you are. If she’s not willing to consider that, or is not willing to wait, I think you’d be making a mistake to uproot your lives anyway.

You don't see anything abnormal with parents prioritising a new partner over their children?! I sincerely hope you don't have children.

So you want to uproot your children because an adult doesn’t want to sell their house/find a new job?
It is selfish. Sorry. When they are 18, go for it, but not right now.

I meant for kids to have to choose between 2 homes, obviously.

Just wait a few years.

You're not selfish but you are being impractical.

Your sons are at a crucial stage of their education and they do get to see their Dad once a week. You can't really move them unfortunately. How would you feel if they did live with their grandmother and you saw them in the holidays?

You chose to have kids, I'm sorry, but until they are grown up (and even then it's debatable) their happiness should come first.

Moving house is an incredibly stressful life event, throw in moving away from everything they know, their friends, maybe their girlfriends?? Presumably their dad and grandparents, for your relationship that is still relatively new, just sounds selfish.

Why do an opening post which omits the length of time you've been with her and how the kids get along with her?

They have one feckless parent already, they don't need a second! Put your kids first they didn't choose to be here. You will have time in the future for your love life.

I think you are selfish for wanting to move in with your partnet....4 hours away
Did you forget about the children that you had?
As a mother, I am astounded that you are actually thinking of leaving your children behind...for a relationship.
I'm right behind your ex. I dont think you have considered your children at all in this decision. Basically you wish to ignore them, to go and live with a woman that youve just met.

But with your very selfish thought processes. I think your children are better off with their Dad.

I am lost for words about your selfishness and that your children go without a Mum.

Seriously, wobble yourself and get yourself out of your own arse.

You put your children first and end the relationship. The fact that this is not an option for you, is worrying.

You chose him to be their dad, they didn’t! If he’s not stepping up then you have to step up even more, not less! Your boys are children, your partner is not - she can make her own choices for her life. Don’t make your boys pay for you wanting a chance to put yourself first as their father seems to do. They will be adults with their own lives soon enough but until then they should ALWAYS come first.

Your options for the boys are just stunningly selfish. Have you no recollection of life when you were only just a teenager? All those raging hormones, trying to find your feet in life and the emotions all running hig. They must both be terrified of the situation and I'm amazed at your stance.

Regarding their ages, as an old boss of mine said when I had my first baby "the first 16 years are the easiest compared to what comes next", and by gosh he was right! I'd say they are stuck with you (poor lambs) till they are 21 at least and able to earn a living and stand on their own two feet with the confidence they deserve.

Stop being so damned selfish. Get out of this by telling them you were wrong to think they might be in favour and now you have had time to think about it you agree that you will all be staying where you are till they are ready for any possible move at all.

You risk not only ruiniing your relationship with them but harming them emotionally for the rest of their lives. That is cruely beyond belief.

Partner should move to you, if the boys like her.

But it's not the boys grandmother ~ OP states that she is living with her grandmother which means that she's the boys GREAT-grandmother

We can safely assume that great-grandmother is fairly elderly and I would query whether it's the right thing to choose to leave two teenage boys with an elderly lady whilst they complete their education

G-GM may have health conditions or may develop health or mobility issues in the next few years. Should she have responsibility for two teenage boys whilst her granddaughter chooses to move four hours away? And is it fair on two teenage boys who should be concentrating on their education and normal teen life to be living with an elderly lady?

I feel extremely sorry for the great grandmother ~ OP and her sons have been living in her house so I am sure she must have made a lot of personal sacrifices during the past few years. And OP doesn't seem to have considered her at all, it seems very selfish to me