Am I wrong for wanting to move in with my partner?

[Skyeblue91]

I was married for 10 years and we have two boys together. We divorced several several years ago and the boys are 13 and 16.
i now have a serious relationship with a woman that lives 4 hours away.
my ex husband is married and stays in a city near by.
me and my kids live with my grandmother.
i brought up wanting to move in with my partner and you would have thought the roof caved in.
i said the boys had two options, live with me or their dad.
neither one of them want to live with their dad they want to stay at my grandmothers. Since we’ve been there all these years.
but now I’m being told that I don’t love my children enough to be around them anymore. I’m being told that my happiness doesn’t matter. My youngest told me he hates me because I want to do this. Can someone PLEASE give me your opinion. I’m back into a corner.

Never in a million years would I turn my teens lives upside down for a relationship that probably won’t last anyway especially at such a crucial time. I’d be focused on them and their education and exams and getting a roof over our heads so we had a family home.

The arbitrary government figure doesn't mean parenting stops; it's all aboard the selfish train at 18. In any case, these children have a useless dad, and now a mum who seems to be heading down a similar path.
These two boys have hardly grown up in a stable family. Imagine being the child growing up in this environment: one parent has already abandoned them, and the other is actively making plans to do the same.

I'll reiterate that this isn't uncommon though, even on this board..

No you can't move your kids 4 hours away from their family to live with your girlfriend.

This is so off the chart selfish that I’m actually wondering if this is the ex husband posting in a sort of reverse.

Just wait a few years. The timing could not be worse

You want to ditch your kids and have suggested that they live with their Dad? A man they roughly see once a week? That’s heartless, I feel so sorry for your children.

you are their safe space, their life. Don’t uproot them for a relationship

Yes, this is important to think about. You have no idea what living with this woman would be like, so what if you break up? What if you put up with a relationship you wouldn’t otherwise because of the difficulty that would come with leaving?

Jesus, seriously?

Yes.

It's very tough OP, I would move but you'll be seen as a Jezebel here if you don't sacrifice your life for the kids.

Can you start by travelling over there after work on Fridays and stay with your partner at the weekends? Take the odd Monday morning off so you can travel back then and have a full weekend together?
(Or something similar if you work different days)

You need to prioritise your children here. Your boys have likely had a lot of upheaval in their lives between your divorce, moving house, dad’s new relationships, your new relationship. It’s a lot. It sounds like the living situation now with your grandmother provides a some sense of stability for them — this is not the time to tear them away from that.

As others have said, you really need to just wait. In 5 years your youngest will be 18, both will be finished their schooling and onto other things.

It’s not right that their father doesn’t prioritise them, but that doesn’t make it okay for you to do the same.

It's very tough OP, I would move but you'll be seen as a Jezebel here if you don't sacrifice your life for the kids.

But that's what parenthood is. That's what you choose when you do it.

they have a point. You’re moving them away from everything they know. Changing schools. Losing friends. I wouldn’t do it unless the move was to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table or to escape domestic abuse.

Its incredibly selfish

That’s awfully unfair on their grandmother, and the two boys. OP is their parent and should be taking care of them herself.

OP, your children come before your vagina. Your poor, poor boys.

You have to put your kids first. What are you thinking.

This is awful.

I think she’s the OP’s grandmother, so their great grandmother, which makes it potentially even more unfair

They will see it as you putting someone else before them.

They are in the midst of important exam years

stop talking to your ex about your love life dont let him rsin on your parade nor ecoursge you to be selfish like him

their dad is a selfish loser who they dont wsnt to live with

wait until they have left hime

not sure why your gf cant get an equal job near you ?

Your are being insanely selfish. My parents moved me hundreds of miles away from everything I knew when I was 13, again at 16 and yet again at 17. I coped for GCSEs but my 'A' levels were a disaster and I lost an Oxbridge place because of my poor grades. Over 30 years later I still resent them for this.

Incidentally, I am also in a relationship with a woman with children, I make the 90-minute journey to her's every weekend and sometimes during the week. We have been together for 3 years and are sorting our respective properties out to move in together; never has there been a question of who moves where, it goes without saying that I will move to be with her so that the children, despite being older, have no disruption apart from their mum's girlfriend being around all the time instead of half the week.

Oh i read that wrong! Apologies. It says "my grandmother" i read it as their grandma
No she must be in her late 79s / 80s. That's not fair at all if she is

How utterly awful for your kids. Stop threatening to uproot them and let them get through school. Then you can bugger off if you really want to.

What relevance is the being in a "lesbian relationship" part?

Go and live with your girlfriend and let the boys be with their grandmother. Don't be surprised if your kids don't want a relationship later with you though.

Wanting to move is entirely reasonable. About half our lives seem to be spent wanting one thing or another, it's totally normal. I want to be a size 10 and 5 foot 10. I just have to live with my sadnees that at least one of those things will never happen, despite the happiness it would bring me.
What would be grossly unreasonable,is to actually move and uproot the lives of so many people on the off chance that you having regular sex would make all that upset worthwhile.

Yes you are being unreasonable. And what the father does is irrelevant, you need to be better than that for your children's sake.

I will say what I saw posted here once and have never forgotten -
"This is not the only relationship you have had or will have but this IS the only childhood your children will ever have."

Prioritise the children you chose to have, it's what parenting is.