Am I wrong for wanting to move in with my partner?

[Skyeblue91]

I was married for 10 years and we have two boys together. We divorced several several years ago and the boys are 13 and 16.
i now have a serious relationship with a woman that lives 4 hours away.
my ex husband is married and stays in a city near by.
me and my kids live with my grandmother.
i brought up wanting to move in with my partner and you would have thought the roof caved in.
i said the boys had two options, live with me or their dad.
neither one of them want to live with their dad they want to stay at my grandmothers. Since we’ve been there all these years.
but now I’m being told that I don’t love my children enough to be around them anymore. I’m being told that my happiness doesn’t matter. My youngest told me he hates me because I want to do this. Can someone PLEASE give me your opinion. I’m back into a corner.

Think with your brain not your vagina. Put your kids first. At least until their schooling is out the way.

It’s really unfair that their dad can do what he likes but you can’t, for another 5 or so years. I think that however much love you’ve shown them so far, that if you move now you’ll risk irrevocable damage to your relationships with them.

Dad’s third marriage is irrelevant. He sees them every week. So by moving you would be depriving them of regular contact with their grandmother, their dad, their friends and they’d have to find a new school while also doing public exams.

I think you have to wait five years till the youngest has left school. Your happiness is important, but not the most important thing. That’s your children’s happiness.

They have already been through divorce. You cannot possibly be serious about uprooting them again. Put their needs first.

He’s not the problem here though , your kids understandably don’t want to move 4 hours away at those ages. Why did you even contemplate a relationship with someone so far away .. it was never going to work. I don’t think you can love and if you do they will never forgive you or move with you .. it’s a high price to pay for your “happiness”. Probably won’t even work out considering the fallout and drama that will inevitably ensue

Her excuses for not moving aren’t good enough to justify you moving your children away from their lives, their grandmother, school, friends, their father. Stop stropping about their dad’s failings and focus on not being even worse - at least he still lives nearby.

Can your partner not move and keep her house and rent to see how you all coexist together?

You sound very immature op. I can’t believe you are considering leaving your kids for a partner. Your poor kids.

How long have you been with your current girlfriend? And how does the relationship currently work when you are four hours apart?

They are children. They don’t want to give up everything and everyone they know, so you can live with your girlfriend. Why would they?

Imagine if hey expected you to move with them wherever they go, whether or not that suited you? “Off to Uni, come on mum. I’ve got a place at Hull. Right, this is my partner, mum. We’re all moving to Bristol now.”

Can you imagine that? How unreasonable does that sound. That’s what your doing to them.

OP I can see it must feel really unfair that their dad can move on with his life, have new relationships and see the kids when it's convenient and you have to make all the sacrifices. It is unfair. It's really shit.

But the fact their dad isn't putting them first doesn't mean you can match his effort. Someone needs to put the kids first, and they're relying on you to provide the stability they've probably been lacking in other areas. If their dad has introduced them to several new partners in a short time they're even more likely to be unsettled by your new relationship.

It would be selfish to move in with your girlfriend. I'm sorry you're not getting the answers you wanted - nobody is saying your relationship doesn't matter or you don't deserve love and happiness - but you do need to put your children first. Dragging them away from their family, friends and schools to live with a practical stranger would be awful. They've been through a lot of change in their young lives and I'm not surprised they're pushing back.

I'm a bit worried that you think your partners reasons for not moving are stronger than yours/your children's. Do you have a habit of prioritising a romantic partners needs over your own (and your childrens)? I wouldn't recomment living together at all while the children are still young but if you do want to live in the same area it seems obvious to me that she should be moving (unless she has her own DC to consider in which case neither should move).

Why can't you wait until your DC have left home, then move in, if it is true love she will be happy to wait.

Under these circumstances, yes, you are wrong for wanting to move in with your partner. Wait until the kids are off to university or otherwise moved out.

IMO you're being very selfish and have no regard whatsoever for the wellbeing of your children or their education. It sounds like it was delivered in a very cold way too. Would it really not bother you if they moved to their dads and you moved 4 hours away?
Your OP doesn't match up to someone who does love their boys with everything in them. You're more concerned about your partners wage and inconveniencing her than you are your own children.

I think you have to prioritise your children. Just possibly if your partner comes to your area and moves in with you, but it is not reasonable to move them 4 hours away at this age. They’ve already gone through one big upheaval, I think you need to either have this woman come to
your family or wait 5 years until the kids are 18 and leave home or at least are adults.

I can read the future. This is how it will roll if you do this. Your life will be living hell as your teens will be so unhappy. Then you and your partner will fight and you will split up as she won’t be bothered listening to whining teens. You will move back with your Mum and the kids will still be traumatised as their OG friends will have new friends. Then everyone will be miserable.

The fact their dad is on his third marriage and sees them once a week doesn't come in to this. It sounds like you're saying he gets away with being a shit parent so why can't you.

Also, listing the reasons why it would be hard for your partner to move as if they are more important than the fact you have 2 dc's who really don't want to is also pretty crap.

How often do you see her at present? Have your dc's spent any real time with her? I think it is extremely selfish to want to move 2 teens to live miles away from their friends and family and school to live with a woman they possibly hardly know for the sake of your relationship. Which could end at any time.

It's not that your happiness doesn't matter, it's that their stability and well-being matters more than your sex life right now.

You are literally putting your partners needs before your own and your kids.

i can’t believe you would even entertain this?

im sorry you come as a package deal, either your partner takes you as you are or find someone else that suits their situation

Teenage boys who don’t want to move four hours away from their dad, their grandmother, their friends, school and everything the know, to live with their mother and her lesbian girlfriend. I wonder why? Seriously. Get a grip and put your kids first.

You all stay where you are. That’s the best option. Your kids come first.

Don't you think then they deserve at least one parent who has their backs as opposed to getting one over on their father?

I'm assuming you two met online and began a romance. Obviously, you didn't take into consideration the logistical cons of distance if the relationship worked long term. Or, your brain operates in a way that's less than the norm when it comes to being maternal. You'd be now making them pay the price for you choosing the most difficult form of dating there is--long distance.

You had choices to date locally, which wouldn't bring extreme stress to your children. And then after your grandma has done a major favor to you many years, you'd bring a large distance whereas it'd be harder to help her out as she's getting even older, and to not be able to see her great-grandkids very often with that distance? Plus, there father does see them once a week. That's not nothing.

As said, the right thing to do would be to do what you want only after the boys have flown the nest. You're the adult and should've used better reasoning when it came to dating.

I'll also add that teens are going through hormonal changes with puberty, making them more emotional, with a mix of very high high and very low lows if things aren't going well. Teen suicide is a thing. And especially for the 13 year old who could be at risk of bullying when moving to a new school, when kids can be at their meanest at that age. It happened to me when my family moved cross country when I was that age. I had a mental breakdown and seriously considered suicide for a time.

Children don't ask to be brought into the world. You're responsible for their well-being. Once they're independent and don't need your daily presence, that's your time to do as you please.

Your happiness matters of course, but so does your boys' happiness. It's understandable that they feel hurt and angry when you talk about moving them against their will at this stage of their lives where friendships and schooling are crucial. I don't think you should try it, and I'm not sure you could make them go with you anyway, especially the older boy. Either continue your long distance relationship a few more years, or leave them with their grandmother (if she's willing and able to look after them alone) and see them at weekends and for holidays.
You know really that the fact that their dad pleases himself, though infuriating, is not a reason for you to do the same - the boys need you more because of this, not less.

Either she moves to you or you continue long-distance for a few years until your DC have left home.

Of course your children don’t want to move 4 hours away. It’s insane you can’t understand this. Upheaving them at these ages would be awful. Your partner can move to you. So what they need to sell a house? You’re not prioritising your children which is very sad considering their dad doesn’t give a shit either.