Am I wrong for wanting to move in with my partner?

[Skyeblue91]

I was married for 10 years and we have two boys together. We divorced several several years ago and the boys are 13 and 16.
i now have a serious relationship with a woman that lives 4 hours away.
my ex husband is married and stays in a city near by.
me and my kids live with my grandmother.
i brought up wanting to move in with my partner and you would have thought the roof caved in.
i said the boys had two options, live with me or their dad.
neither one of them want to live with their dad they want to stay at my grandmothers. Since we’ve been there all these years.
but now I’m being told that I don’t love my children enough to be around them anymore. I’m being told that my happiness doesn’t matter. My youngest told me he hates me because I want to do this. Can someone PLEASE give me your opinion. I’m back into a corner.

I’m afraid that once you choose to have children you have to accept that your needs are secondary.
i would never have done this to my children, you must maintain stability for them and you can make the move once they are at uni or in work.

It doesn't sound selfish, it is selfish.

And basically saying because their dad isn't a good parent then you shouldn't have to be one either is unbelievable.

Wow yes you’re being ridiculous and selfish. Why does your girlfriend’s job come before your kids happiness and stability? If you two are in it for the long haul you need to wait it out and she should understand that dating someone with kids will mean prioritising them. Grow up.

Sorry it is spectacularly selfish of you to expect them to uproot their lives to live with a random woman 4 hours away.

Her career is not as important as your children’s friendships and schooling.

Even if she were 5 mins down the road, if the kids said no - that answer would stand.

Have you thought about the perilous financial position you’d be putting you and your kids in as well. She’d have all the power - if she ended the relationship you’d all be homeless. Why would you do that?!

im surprised your so shocked at your kids reactions tbh. They are at really vulnerable ages to have their whole world disrupted. Of course they want to stay where they are. That is their stability and I’m honest shocked you can’t see that. If you love your children as much as you say you do you really have to rethink your plans. You cannot expect them to want to move 4 hours away nor can you expect them to be happy to live with a father they only see once a week.

So you’re happy to completely uproot your sons’ lives, but don’t want to put your partner out because selling a house would be inconvenient for her? You’ve made it more than clear what your priorities are

@Skyeblue91 The fact that their dad is selfish and rubbish does not give you a pass to be so as well. They have already been through divorce- please don't uproot them again. Surely it's on your partner without kids to make the effort here.

Hard as it is & unfair as it seems, I think you should put your boys first and not move for the next few years.

I’m sorry but I don’t blame them you want to leave two children living with their great grandmother, so you can live with your partner whom it may not even work out with and leave two children who are not even old enough to go to work and live independently.
no wonder they’re disgusted with you, if you were my mother I wouldn’t want anything to do with you either. You could of carried on a long distance relationship until they were old enough to fend for themselves but no you decided to basically tell them your partner is more important and if they don’t come your off, you never said that out loud but that’s basically it and you wonder why they don’t want to talk to you.

How long have you been with this woman?

Of course the boys are upset because you’re the only constant they’ve got in their lives.

Their dads choices do not affect them so much but you don’t just want to move in with someone, you want to disrupt their entire world moving them away from their dad, school, friends, community etc.

You need to give way more context.

You live with your grandmother - I assume she moved in with you so you can help care for her - so will she be moving too?

What can the new area provide - does it have lower crime, better schools and job opportunities etc.

What do you do for work?
Is your role easily found in the new area?

Even if you weren't uprooting your children from their father, grandmother, friends, schooling and entire life, this sounds like a dreadful idea. You talk about your partner's job but what about yours? How will finances work? How much time have you actually spent together? How much time has she spent with your children just doing the day to day things?

IMO you have three practical choices

1. Leave the children where they are if their grandmother is happy and able to look after them while you move on your own
2. Stay where you are and move in 5 years time when your youngest is 18
3. Ask your partner to move to your area (or at least closer to your area) and accept that it may take some time before this happens due to houses/jobs etc being sorted out.

Exactly this!!

The 2 sons, OP, the grandmother and ex DH will all have their lives massively disrupted to save this one woman from having to disrupt her life.

If I was her, I would be the one saying that I would move closer etc.
I’d never expect a mother and her 2 kids to move 4 hours to be closer to me.

OP has not said how long they’ve been together and how much time they’ve spent together - they might not even get on living together.

OP has definitely chosen this woman over her kids.

You can move in with your partner when your kids are over 18.

Please put your kids first. They have already been through their parents' divorce and of course they need continuity and stability, especially at such sensitive ages. Taking them away from their home, their grandmother and their dad who they see regularly is madness and their responses are entirely reasonable. You need to apologise to your kids and rethink your plans. If your partner is the right person for you then she will understand and support you, and will understand that your kids must come first.

You live with your grandmother - I assume she moved in with you so you can help care for her - so will she be moving too?

Why would you assume that? Far more likely she moved in to her grandmother's house after divorce because she needed somewhere to live with her kids. It's clear the grandmother wouldn't be moving with them from the OP.

You can’t move a 13 and 16 year old 4 hours away. That’s ridiculous to even consider

I think if you uproot your son's lives, especially at this age, you will likely come to regret the decision.

I’m being told that I don’t love my children enough to be around them anymore. I’m being told that my happiness doesn’t matter. My youngest told me he hates me because I want to do this.

The hard truth is, your happiness doesn’t matter. Not at the moment. You had children so you owe it to them to put them first, particularly during these formative years. When they are at university, or working, you can have this conversation again. Although I think if they are at university you still need to make sure you have somewhere for them to go back to. Why on earth would they want to move far away from their friends and their life? You are being selfish. Does your partner have children? If not, she should be moving to be with you. If so, you will both have to wait until they are older. It’s what you sign up for as a parent.

It doesn't 'sound' selfish. It is selfish.

How could you even think about doing that to your own children?

My parents moved us when I was almost 15yrs old. I had no choice in the matter. Lost all my childhood friends, had to start a new school. At that age it is VERY difficult to forge new friendship groups as they are already very established. I envy people now who are still in contact with their school mates or walk around their home town and bump into people they have a history with. I have none of that and I am resentful of my parents for it.
Imagine how much harder it would be for your children with a new adult in the mix?!

Uprooting your kids at such a pivotal time in their lives will do irreparable damage to your relationship with them. Yes, as their parent you need to put their needs first. You will, god willing, have years ahead of you when they’re adults and you can put yourself first again.

These 5/6 years are short in the grand scheme of things, and if this is a sticking point for your partner, maybe you aren’t meant for each other at this point.

This has to be a reverse. Surely you know that the children need to be your priority. They come before any relationship. So yes, you are wrong.

You are upset their dad gets to do whatever but they don’t want to live with him for a reason. You are being very unreasonable to expect them to move at this age.

Hmm… replace “why can’t I be happy” with “why can’t I have what I want”.

If what you want (a woman) conflicts with what your children need (stability, consistency, being shown that they matter) then you have to sacrifice what you want for now.

I’m sorry your ex has given up his responsibility to do what’s best for your children and priorities his own wants above their needs. I’m sure that’s extremely frustrating and I’m sure thousands of women can relate. But if you do the same, then you’re just as bad.

I moved away at 10 and it was a seminal experience, overall it worked out but my sibling and I bemoaned the loss of our long term friends for years. At 13 and 16 that would be absolutely awful. Are you really saying you can't wait 5 years? 5 years for an adult is nothing compared to 5 years as a teen. Even then I think it's unfair to move while children are at university and still want to come home to see their school friends.

The mistake you made was starting a relationship with someone 4 hours away. The distance should have been a red flag. There must be plenty of potential other partners much closer. It also sounds naive to me. A partner means everything when we first fall in love but you need more than a feeling to sustain a relationship long term.