Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

A good friend of mine split from her partner. It was around the time Gwyneth paltrow was doing her unconscious coupling nonsense so she decided to do the same. It was her decision ( no other people involved and he wasn't nasty). They played the part of happily co parenting people to perfection. So much so that when he decided to marry the children's TA ( who they loved) the children just couldn't understand why she didn't want to go to the wedding.It was her choice but she still found it all excruciating ( she wasn't and still isn't interested in a relationship and assumed he would do the same. He didn't and she was very shocked). I feel for you Op. I had to go through the same and it does hurt. I had the added complication that my best friends daughter went to the same stables as the OW and rode her horse so the whole family went to the church ( with a horse all decked out for the photos) and then went to the after party. I had no idea about it until she sent some photos of my sons ( early teens) going into the church. I thought my stomach would drop so far it would actually fall out of my body. My exhusband married the OW and then had an affair so she divorced him. Hey ho

You are being extremely unkind, but keep telling yourself you believe you’re not.

You sound like a lovely mum doing the best for your girls. There’s a big difference between a mum imposing their emotions on their kids after a divorce (like my mum did) and crying once. Your ex should have told you to avoid that exact situation. Asking your girls to keep it a secret is really shitty behaviour.

No you’re not. I’ve heard expert psychologists and counsellors say that there is nothing wrong in DC seeing adults express emotion occasionally. It is an honest response and trying to hide it does not help them. As long as you’re not wallowing in misery constantly, you are not damaging them. You will have explained to them that you were shocked in that moment, and you have told them that they must not keep secrets as your awful EXH encouraged them to do. I think you’ve handled this as well as you could possibly have done.

I would also tell them before the wedding that you’ll love to look at photos of them in their dresses , but it won’t be nice for you to hear a lot of details about the day.

You’ll get through it.

You have to tell them otherwise they grow up with a completely skewered narrative and they fill in the blanks themselves and it’s usually worse than the actual truth
Once you’re an adult you realise that your parents have flaws, But it’s not true that good people do bad things. Bad people do bad things and you need to know who these bad people are
Even if they’re in your own family

Thanks everyone for your kind and supportive words and for holding my hand through this

Its hard and it will pass, but this morning, I needed a bit of support and you kindly gave that to me

to all the ones who have been cheated on- I feel you and sending virtual hugs

I’m a strong proponent of public shaming cheaters tbh. If you want to cheat, fine - but people will know what happened.

How many affair relationships go onto last a long time and have all the markers of "success" without marriage?

I agree

He will cheat on her as well OP.

I know it doesn't help in this moment in time, but I do believe that this will come full circle.

He is a scum bag

@Mensuckbigtime you’re amazing. I’m sorry you’ve had some crazy response, in among the sane ones.

I would go further & say there is nothing wrong with being upset or crying more than once. There’s only an issue where you make children responsible for your emotional safety and wellbeing. Which you are obviously not doing.

I’m a crier, and I also have dealt with awful awful stuff from my abusive (now) exH. It’s been 13 years since we separated, and while a lot is better, he still has the ability to manipulate and cause great distress. My DC are teens now, but they’ve seen, and still see, me upset. Sometimes I handle it well, sometimes less so - but I always demonstrate that even when I feel really sad / upset, I get through it, I will feel better and they’ll see that. So the message they get is that even messy complicated emotions are ok, they do happen, and they won’t last. I hope my DC will learn from that that bad days will come, will be painful, but can be managed.

Been here! My ex is married to the OW (and has been for 10 years now) and at the time I never thought I would be ok with it but now I’m actually fine. She’s a good mum, a good stepmum and i actually appreciate her. Believe me I never expected to say that!! It took time but you’ll get there I promise!

I've no idea. This thread is about supporting OP whose ex IS getting married.
It's not about helping people in affair relationships to feel better about themselves.

As I said, it was the type of things that drug addict women who had lost their kids would do to them when I was in prison. Personality disorders meant that they were so angry and jealous that the child felt love and security with another adult that they had felt wronged them, they would try and destroy that security to get back at the adult. Totally oblivious or uncaring about the harm it did to the child.

Give it a bit more time…

And of course children are harmed and traumatised when their families break up. Divorce is a traumatic event for children!

It's like a bereavement, what you've gone through, the cheating, the end of a relationship. It's going to hurt occasionally when big things like this come up. All understandable and there will be other occasions too. Sadly you're the only one hurting and going to have to find a way to deal with these periods of pain. It's ok to have a cry and a day or two of being utterly peed off, but try to let that go after.

Above all, remember that he was the cheating bastard that blew up your relationship in one of the worst ways. Be peed off, but don't give him any more of your headspace and try to remember that not being married to a cheater is miles miles better than being married to one. Good luck to this other woman, she's going to need it.

The same dickhead that keeps another woman a secret.

Hold your head up high, everyone at the wedding (on his side) will know exactly what kind of man he is and woman she is. And he did it to you, he will do it to her…you are better off without.

Sending a handhold though

Seeing as her DH obviously the arsehole there, I can't help but wonder where was the moral fibre of the friendship group when they attended his wedding? Your friend needs new friends.

@Mensuckbigtime a horrible situation he put you in again, he caused the issue again, your DDs will understand your tears once they’re older and realise what he did to you and them.

Don’t regret crying, they’ll grow to understand that adultery is wrong, causes a lot of pain and they must never accept it or do it.

Why is it wrong to say “I’m upset” at the way I’ve been treated again! I’m upset that the father of my young daughters tells them to keep secrets from me “because he’s going to tell me later”. He knew the girls would tell you, he was taking the cowards way out, just like committing adultery, no balls to say the marriage wasn’t working, but get a replacement and then move out.

How you get past the hurt? I’m sorry I’m not sure, it’s painful and that came as a blow, from an expected source. You have to roll with it, but the blows are bloody hard. In the short term, make arrangements for the day of the wedding, something that will consume you all day.

If he leaves his first wife for you and then doesn't marry you it's because he now knows its much easier to get out of a relationship that doesn't have the added complication of divorce. He keeping the door open in case something better comes along. " As you got him so will you lose him"

Uhm what 🤣
It’s not ‘just’ immoral women in prison (most are victims of domestic violence at hands of a man) who would decide to tell their child the truth.
Not because of a personality disorder, or because they’d be hurt by their child having a relationship with someone who hurt them. But because they believe it would potentially be more damaging to find out later, and also don’t believe it’s their job to cover for a man’s wrong-doing. Which is interesting, because a lot of the women in prison would have done this on multiple occasions, considering again most are victims of domestic violence which wouldn’t happen if they saw red flag and left.

I am sorry that your mum did that to you, that is absolutely awful and an utterly inappropriate way to handle her understandable hurt. It is manipulative to start telling very young children things that alienate them from one of their parents.

You had a completely normal response to a distressing event. What you’ve helpfully done is teach your daughters that feelings are normal. Now, you’re modelling how to cope with strong emotions. This is as healthy as it can get! There is nothing weak about crying or having strong emotions- you’re strength is in dealing with them.

I'm so sorry OP, hopefully karma will come for them x

It is hard. My exh didn’t even marry the OW (though he did meet her on a dating app when we were separated but still in same house because we hadn’t told the kids).

And it is FINE to cry. Far worse to show kids they shouldn’t show emotions, than to have them and own them and overcome them. That’s a great example to show them,

My kids are older now, and their father has started behaving to them exactly as he behaved to me - demanding of perfection, emotionally detached, frustratingly stubborn and controlling. Me being honest with them about how that made me feel in the post divorce years, and explaining to them why he is that way and that it’s not their fault, or their responsibility to make him change, has helped both of them to maintain a relationship of sorts with him that is healthy for them.