Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

I had this. I only felt that I recovered from it when he cheated on her and they divorced. He's now about to marry wife number 4 and I just pity her. I wish that I knew a way of you feeling healed sooner.

Getting married doesnt mean hes a success it just means she got her way to stop herself feeling insecure, id rather have lots of sex than get married

This is hideous - are your teenage sons who have their home and family life turned inside out expected to do a speech saying how marvellous their cheating dad and the OW are?

It doesn't matter if he cheats again or not. They will both be suspicious all the time. That kind of thing eats away at you and they won't ever truely relax and feel secure in this relationship regardless of what they say. They will end up hating each other.
@Mensuckbigtime Make sure you book yourself a trip away somewhere where you can be busy with activities on the day. go a few days in advance tell him he can have the girls extra so they can be availible for all the wedding prep and you will pick them up a few days after. You dictate this while he is feeling shite.
In the run up to the wedding he might start getting cold feet and sniffing around you. Whatever you do do not sleep with him.

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job, OP. Parents are absolutely allowed to have feelings, and it's unrealistic to expect you to be a cheerful robot when you've just unexpectedly received such upsetting news. Showing emotions at particular times is just being human.
My mother tried to mostly shield us after our father left to be with the OW, but sometimes it was very obvious she was upset or angry, and it never affected us negatively. (What did affect us negatively was the fact that my father was a prick, hardly saw us, and prioritised the OW.)

I hope you'll find your equilibrium again as the shock of the news wears off. The pair of cheaters deserve each other, and I imagine their upcoming wedding won't be 'until death do us part'.

That is so hard. Do you have any friends to talk to or perhaps have some therapy sessions to help process it all?

Reading your post my thoughts were that your EXH sounds like an absolute piece of shit and was having an affair when your youngest was a baby? Well, good luck to his new wife to be. Also, absolutely manipulative behaviour telling your daughters and asking them to keep it a secret when he he knows full well no child is going to keep quiet about that.

Plan something nice to do whilst the wedding takes place and hold your head up high. Feel free to also acknowledge how hard it is and have a big cry. Also acknowledge how you’ve turned your life around and be proud of yourself.

this. Marrying a mistress creates a vacancy.

I really feel for you.
As others have said plan some treats for the weekend and have some friends on standby to offload to, so you can keep it positive for the girls who are bound to be excited about dressing up.

it is true that the other woman, whatever she thinks now about being ‘the one’ is actually vulnerable here because he didn’t keep to his vows the first time.

You on the other hand have an opportunity to build a life free from mistrust .

I’m going to be honest and say, I don’t think I’d ever get over the break up of my marriage. I think it’s ok to not be ok with it and I think it’s like a death, time moves on and we try not to look at it so much, in time it becomes less and less daily but the pain stays the same.

I know relationship stability is uncontrollable because control is an illusion, however I also think it’s ok to never bounce back from deep foundation level life destruction.

Agree. When she gets over it more OP is going to regret not keeping her dignity. Some pp giving very bad advice. The xh doesn't care about her feelings - if he did, he wouldn't have had an affair! The tantrums are just feeding his ego

Nonsense! This is just a daft cliché invented to help the cheated on feel better. Life doesn’t always follow the neat little moral scripts we like to invent. It certainly wasn’t the case with Charles and Camilla 😂

He already had Camilla as his mistress before he married Diana. Different.
also did I touch a nerve?

I am the first to say we should stop forgiving and ignoring men's poor behaviour - this thread has been full of it - BUT I do also think it's important for children to have the chance of a decent relationship with both of their parents

If the dad in question tries to be a good dad now, even though he wasn't when he cheated and left his family, then it is in the children's interests to support that.

Telling them the truth about his past behaviour won't help that relationship and will make them feel conflicted for loving him - which they will because he is their dad.

If, however, he is an arsehole and treats them poorly or constantly lets them down then it might be worth explaining as it will help them understand and process who he is and see that it's not their fault or about them.

In short, I don't believe telling children everything about marriage breakdown is always the right thing to and certainly not when they are as young as the OP's children.

Very sad considering your youngest must have been a baby when you split and he was having the actual affair. What a grim twat. Just know she’ll never be able to fully trust him, their relationship was forged on a bed of lies, quite literally. I’d just ask him to have your DC a few days either side of the wedding because you’ve booked a holiday away.

Completely wrong. He does owe her something, given that they have small children together. He owes her the respect of her being the mother of his children, he owes her the honestly of putting their children’s needs and emotions first, he owes her financially to help support their children .. the list goes on.

Camilla can't stand Charles they live apart she spends most of her own time with her family and grandchildren. I think she thought of him as a friend and felt she could never say no due to his position. He was mad for her and then she was blamed for the whole seperation divorce scandal. You can't really say lets just be friends after that can you.

From the statistics on marriages that a pp shared, it seems as though cheaters generally aren't good at maintaining long term relationships and don't usually last with their affair partners, which makes a lot of sense. They're clearly not good at honesty, commitment, or unselfishness, so unless a marriage is literally blissful smooth sailing forever, they're unlikely to cope well.

Thats absolutely awful. I don't think you should have allowed your DD's to be flower girls if you didnt want them to be.

But hard though it is you shouldnt let all this spoil the rest of your life. You dont need to get over him you just need to do all you can to enjoy your life. Even if you don't want to do things do them. As for him he is a nasty selfish lying cheat.

I mean do they have to be flower girls?

My answer would be no to that.

It's one thing if the marriage ended however unwanted from my side, and he moved on and married someone completely new. That would be tough tits, but I'd not be unhappy for the girls to play a part.

But expecting my kids to play flower girls behind a woman who helped engineer the break up of their own family?

No. Fuck that.

It's sick.

No one thinks about the message this sends to kids and their own empowerment. They absolutely should not see this shit as fine and be forced to 'attend' upon cheater new mum as she takes center stage for her new life.

At 11 I was expected to be all sunny delight to my father's mistress and void my own feelings in favour of maintaining daddy's happiness under the guise of maintaining our relationship, but the submission was all on my side because I was a child. I had to fit in with adult expectations.

They would not be attending as flower girls and I'd have to debate whether they would be going at all.

Fuck the fallout.

Just remember once a cheat always a cheat. You've had a lucky escape, just think of the positivities.

Plan something for yourself that day, trip out or meets friends. Distract, distract, distract x.

I 100% agree with this post @Mensuckbigtime

It will ease over time but 4 years isn't really that long if you truly loved someone (I totally sympathise and understand).

Plan something lovely for you. See your favourite friends, have a cry if you need to and then do something or go somewhere you love.

Feel proud of yourself and that you have a life where you are no longer going to be let down. X

Is being a good dad asking them to keep secrets?

This is difficult on so many fronts,

it’s four years so to burst out crying uncontrollably when you hear indicates your far from over this, so you need to maybe seek help or therapy to try to accept it, I know accepting it is shit, but uouve no other option. As you can’t change it,

you also give him the satisfaction or deep discomfort when he finds out you started crying when you heard,

the girls of course will now feel guilty to be excited about being flower girls, as unless you do it a lot, crying in front of them will have a lasting impact. Thays what posters are saying, but the fact you’re saying you had no control over it, shows just how far from even remotely being over this you are.

try to show some excitement for the girls, you want that relationship to work for their sake, not for them to be feeling worried and guilty, he caused this initially but right now it’s your responsibility to seek help to heal

and you’re right, you can’t disrupt the wedding or try to stop the girls being flower girls, weaponising your children is never ok, and shame on posters suggesting it,

Sorry but this is simply not true. I cheated once, decades ago. My ex did and is now very happy. All this 'creating a vacancy' and karma type stuff is meaningless. Every situation is different and more importantly, the OP absolutely should not base any of her happiness on if the ex's relationship works out or not.

Ah yet another post where the OP asks for a handhold then the perfect perfect women of Mumsnet that have never once slipped up use that hand to push OP's head down further rather than hold them up.

A while ago at work one of my friends went to the toilet and had a cry because she heard her ex boyfriend got engaged. And it was not because she wanted him back, it was because he was such a shit to her, she took a long time to emotionally recover from his behaviour and then he got to get married while she was still picking up the pieces from the life he helped to break.

I do not understand how that is so unfathomable that the OP was put on the spot, immediately reacted and apologised for the reaction, yet everyone is jumping on that and not the crux of the post. This happened four years ago when the children were one and four, that is so horrible I cannot imagine how rough that was, that while you were looking after his children he was able to have an affair. He is a gross man, and obviously his deceit and inconsideration continues by asking their children to keep a secret.

OP, that all sounds awful, I'm not surprised you cried, and feel all this. Is there anything nice you can do for yourself right now? As others have said he will likely have them before the wedding, can a relative on his side take them after so you can go away for a week. If you are not in therapy maybe speak to someone to help process these feelings. It is unfair.