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Original poster

Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

411 replies

Mensuckbigtime · Today 07:11

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

OP posts:
Dewdust · Today 09:33

A big expensive show of " being committed to each other" when the truth probably is that they have been arguing a lot as her insecurity grows because he is unreliable and she is insecure.
In order to make everything seem ok they have decided to get married. Probably paid for by her dad who isnt happy with the relationship but wants to see a positive outcome.
But there is quite possibly a sexy little number waiting in the wings to get down and get dirty after the honeymoon, when he can get away with his favourite excuse of urgent matters.
S he will have a reputation of being good at c ock sucking and he will want at least a year of this to get over the trauma of the wedding.
( I knew someone who settled for a year of this attention when he was traumatised after separating from his wife and he ditched her as well...as soon as he'd had enough to get bored of it!)
One of her friends may be willing to find a cupboard if he is such a "prize".
Meanwhile you just carry on, vowing not to settle for someone who has to be the centre of attention , and someone who uses convention to appear loyal.

Lexibletheflexible · Today 09:35

BeUniqueDreamer · Today 09:33

Have you shielded them from what he did?
My mum told me, and I decided to have nothing to do with him. It’s not very conventional as women are supposed to cover a man’s tracks so his children don’t know his scum…. But my mum felt if he didn’t want people to know, he shouldn’t have done it. Which I remember her telling him in my presence about age 4!
Anyway, do they actually know what he did, and still want to be flower girls? If so, all you can do is support them. If they don’t know, tell them and support their decision either way. Obviously in an age appropriate way such as ‘sorry mummy was crying when you told me, I was upset as it made me think about how daddy was kissing that lady and lied about it when he was still kissing mummy. That is called cheating/ an affair. His bad secret made me very sad and it sometimes still hurts, which is why I cried. You did the right thing in telling me, so here’s a biscuit and well done for remembering you don’t keep secrets from mummy.’

That's a really unhealthy approach. Adult relationships are between adults. I hope you'd never do similar to your children.

ThatCyanCat · Today 09:35

BeUniqueDreamer · Today 09:33

Have you shielded them from what he did?
My mum told me, and I decided to have nothing to do with him. It’s not very conventional as women are supposed to cover a man’s tracks so his children don’t know his scum…. But my mum felt if he didn’t want people to know, he shouldn’t have done it. Which I remember her telling him in my presence about age 4!
Anyway, do they actually know what he did, and still want to be flower girls? If so, all you can do is support them. If they don’t know, tell them and support their decision either way. Obviously in an age appropriate way such as ‘sorry mummy was crying when you told me, I was upset as it made me think about how daddy was kissing that lady and lied about it when he was still kissing mummy. That is called cheating/ an affair. His bad secret made me very sad and it sometimes still hurts, which is why I cried. You did the right thing in telling me, so here’s a biscuit and well done for remembering you don’t keep secrets from mummy.’

sorry mummy was crying when you told me, I was upset as it made me think about how daddy was kissing that lady and lied about it when he was still kissing mummy. That is called cheating/ an affair. His bad secret made me very sad and it sometimes still hurts, which is why I cried. You did the right thing in telling me, so here’s a biscuit and well done for remembering you don’t keep secrets from mummy.’

Is it necessary to go into that much detail?

cloudtreecarpet · Today 09:35

Whelmed · Today 09:26

I think OPs kids will be much more impacted by their dad having an affair and breaking up their family, marrying the OW than seeing their mum crying once.

Exactly!
Man cheats on his family & leaves, man behaves insensitively & asks his small children to keep secrets, ex wife, who has held everything together, gets upset once but still ex wife is the one being criticised.

Honestly, why do we keep excusing and accepting the bad behaviour of men & blaming women??

Palmtreesinthegarden · Today 09:36

Mensuckbigtime · Today 09:09

After I cried I had a long conversation with both girls about what happened and how we shouldn’t keep secrets and how mamas feelings are her responsibility and not the girls

im doing the right things to protect them

Show quote history

OP there is absolutely nothing wrong with crying infront of your children. Your a human with emotions and it’s healthy for children to see that it’s ok to cry, and to understand how to process grief. I was brought up in a family that showed no emotion at all and it was horrible and left lots of trauma

hope things get easier OP

Lexibletheflexible · Today 09:37

ThatCyanCat · Today 09:35

sorry mummy was crying when you told me, I was upset as it made me think about how daddy was kissing that lady and lied about it when he was still kissing mummy. That is called cheating/ an affair. His bad secret made me very sad and it sometimes still hurts, which is why I cried. You did the right thing in telling me, so here’s a biscuit and well done for remembering you don’t keep secrets from mummy.’

Is it necessary to go into that much detail?

Show quote history

Her mother told her all the ins and outs of her own relationship with that posters father at 4 years old. I don't think she knows any better than this.

That's the kind of thing the women i was in prison with would do to their children. Of course these women were often severely damaged by childhood trauma, drug addiction and survival sex work and had several mental health diagnoses to boot.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · Today 09:37

Some people on this thread are insane

Highlighta · Today 09:37

BeUniqueDreamer · Today 09:33

Have you shielded them from what he did?
My mum told me, and I decided to have nothing to do with him. It’s not very conventional as women are supposed to cover a man’s tracks so his children don’t know his scum…. But my mum felt if he didn’t want people to know, he shouldn’t have done it. Which I remember her telling him in my presence about age 4!
Anyway, do they actually know what he did, and still want to be flower girls? If so, all you can do is support them. If they don’t know, tell them and support their decision either way. Obviously in an age appropriate way such as ‘sorry mummy was crying when you told me, I was upset as it made me think about how daddy was kissing that lady and lied about it when he was still kissing mummy. That is called cheating/ an affair. His bad secret made me very sad and it sometimes still hurts, which is why I cried. You did the right thing in telling me, so here’s a biscuit and well done for remembering you don’t keep secrets from mummy.’

I really disagree that this is the correct tactic and especially, phrasing.

By doing this, is making the children choose a parent.

It is not the childrens fault!

They should not be put into a position of feeling guilt for being with either parent. The divorce has nothing to do with them. They are just in the middle, so to speak.

Fernhurst · Today 09:39

Lexibletheflexible · Today 08:46

You can't really use marriage as an accurate measure of this outcome because marriage is increasingly less common in our society.

Show quote history

We know OP's ex is marrying though, so it's relevant that 75% of affair marriages end in divorce.

NotMeAtAll · Today 09:39

You were caught off guard. It's not your fault. It can happen.

Fernhurst · Today 09:40

Gardenisablooming · Today 08:49

And now a vacancy becomes available..

True 😀

Jenkibuble · Today 09:40

cloudtreecarpet · Today 07:41

Please don't tell someone they "shouldn't be hung up on this four years on". That's unhelpful and shows a lack of understanding.

The OP isn't "hung up" on her ex, she has moved on in many ways but news like this would always hurt no matter how much time has passed.
She isn't odd to feel upset, it's entirely normal after a long relationship has ended in betrayal.

I am wondering if you have gone through this yourself and thinking perhaps you haven't.

Show quote history

SPOT ON!

It is a type of grief and grief is personal !

Ex and I split in 2019, No one else was involved !

I still have times where I am sad about what could have been /should we have tried harder etc.

Notellinganyone · Today 09:42

@OwlCalledSage - that’s sacrilege on MN where everyone is entrenched in the mistress creating a vacancy kneejerk stuff. OP rightly sounds upset and I have huge sympathy with her and it’s understandable that this news and the way it was presented upset her. However in real life, in my experience, people aren’t so binary and don’t talk in cliches. Life and relationships are complex and things aren’t black and white with heroes and villains. Life is messy - some people are drawn to infidelity but others fall in love when they are already married. There is no karma although of course those relationships do tend to be more complex to navigate for all involved.

cloudtreecarpet · Today 09:42

BeUniqueDreamer · Today 09:33

Have you shielded them from what he did?
My mum told me, and I decided to have nothing to do with him. It’s not very conventional as women are supposed to cover a man’s tracks so his children don’t know his scum…. But my mum felt if he didn’t want people to know, he shouldn’t have done it. Which I remember her telling him in my presence about age 4!
Anyway, do they actually know what he did, and still want to be flower girls? If so, all you can do is support them. If they don’t know, tell them and support their decision either way. Obviously in an age appropriate way such as ‘sorry mummy was crying when you told me, I was upset as it made me think about how daddy was kissing that lady and lied about it when he was still kissing mummy. That is called cheating/ an affair. His bad secret made me very sad and it sometimes still hurts, which is why I cried. You did the right thing in telling me, so here’s a biscuit and well done for remembering you don’t keep secrets from mummy.’

Fgs, don't do this!
As long as he is a decent dad to them they don't need to know the ins and outs of everything at such a young age.

They need a relationship with both parents and they don't need to be told about things they can't understand or made to feel negatively about one of their parents.

If they were teenage & had questions it might possibly be different but at the age they are they don't need to be taught what an affair is

MargoLivebetter · Today 09:42

@Mensuckbigtime I have stood in your shoes and I understand how you are feeling. ex-H married the OW and my two who were 8 and 6 at the time were page boy and bridesmaid. I was deeply, deeply, deeply upset and like you had to put a brave face on all my distress and try to be happy for the DC, who were obviously excited to have a role at their father's wedding.

FWIW, my two are in their mid 20s now and I am really close to them and have a great relationship with them. Guess who they are not close to and do not have a good relationship with?!

This pain will pass, I promise you. You cannot control him or his behaviour or any of the ridiculous shit that he does, but there will be some kind of karma to it for him.

Let go of all expectations of any kind of decent behaviour from him and just crack on and focus on yourself and your relationship with your DC. Ignore all the absurd shit about not crying in front of your DC. You are not bionic or made of some kind of impervious substance. You are allowed to be upset and shocked. However, you've done that now, so just dig deep and let the DC have their moment - even if it does make your innards shrivel. You will all get through this. Sending big hugs - hang in there.

Victorius19 · Today 09:43

My Dad left my Mum for the OW when I was 13, and I can honestly say that it took Mum a good 10 years to get over it. She had a complete breakdown and ended up being sectioned, and her mental health never really fully recovered. She met my now stepdad completely out of the blue, and is now very happily settled again... but even when Dad died a couple of years ago she shed tears for him. She met him at 15, they had 30 years together and he was the love of her life even though fidelity wasn't his strong point.

There is no time frame for getting over someone, OP. And it's OK to let him and your kids know that his actions are still hurting you.

BeUniqueDreamer · Today 09:47

Highlighta · Today 09:37

I really disagree that this is the correct tactic and especially, phrasing.

By doing this, is making the children choose a parent.

It is not the childrens fault!

They should not be put into a position of feeling guilt for being with either parent. The divorce has nothing to do with them. They are just in the middle, so to speak.

Show quote history

It’s what my mother did, and I have no hard feelings. I did choose to have very little do with my father, I did get in contact age 16 but decided to cut cord again as he’s an asshole. It also affected me in that I also put up with zero crap from men, which I feel is a good thing, I am married to one but there were lots I dumped before him! I do agree if my dad, or any man didn’t want his children to know , he shouldn’t have done it. 🤷‍♀️

I knew it might get some comment as we’re raised/ conditioned to cover for a man’s shortcomings. But yes, I’d tell my children similar if my husband ever did such a thing. I’m sure they’d find out eventually anyway and I wouldn’t want them to be the sort that would think it’s a secret and potentially stay with a partner who would do such a thing.

dudsville · Today 09:47

How in the hell did this thread turn into a rant against the OP having had a natural human response? Surely MN isn't awash with mumbots that never show emotion. The leaps some posters have made is outrageous.

@Mensuckbigtime , I would feel sick about it all too. A long marriage, he cheated on you, he's marrying the ow, and your daughters are to be their flower girls. You've done amazingly, but I get that this hurts.

Davros · Today 09:47

Here OP, have this 💐 you have my sympathy. Crying in front of the kids once when caught off your guard is natural

buymeflowers · Today 09:47

OP this kind of wound is so deep that it’s completely understandable that this is how you would feel and react. He is responsible for that wound, he did this to you. Yes you’ve done all the right things and built a new life from the ashes. And credit to you but please remember he subjected you to harm and recovery from that will be a long term thing. Seeing this new life of his develop is traumatic as much as you try and distance yourself and move on.

He is also still continuing to harm you and your children by behaving like this, irrespective of what the secret is about. You wouldn’t have reacted like that if he’d communicated appropriately with you. It was completely unfair on your children and on you.

Also what a bastard, absolute scum.

ThatCyanCat · Today 09:47

cloudtreecarpet · Today 09:42

Fgs, don't do this!
As long as he is a decent dad to them they don't need to know the ins and outs of everything at such a young age.

They need a relationship with both parents and they don't need to be told about things they can't understand or made to feel negatively about one of their parents.

If they were teenage & had questions it might possibly be different but at the age they are they don't need to be taught what an affair is

Show quote history

I think that at 8 and 5, all they need is, "I thought Daddy and I would always live together so it sometimes makes me sad that we don't." As they get older they'll fill in the blanks themselves. Telling children that age about kisses and lies and affairs feels very inappropriate. And definitely they need to be told that they shouldn't keep adults' secrets, what a stupid and dangerous thing for him to teach them. But I don't think they need anything along the lines of "daddy kissed her and lied to me". Nothing to do with protecting him, they'll understand when they're older, but that kind of thing is too much at that age, for them.

hourspassed · Today 09:50

Bloody hell - some people on here need to give their heads a wobble!

OP you have my empathy and I have your back here! Of course you're allowed to cry in front of your kids, crikey - it was a massive shock to hear the news like that from them anyway. It's not surprising you were emotional.

OP has been wronged by her shitty ex-H who is now marrying the OW. She has successfully rebuilt her life but after 18 years with a man she still feels the pain of his twattish behaviour and life choices. That is normal.

If the OP was posting about the break up she'd have you all supporting her and now you're just trying to knock her down. Jesus - give me strength!

Sending hugs to you @Mensuckbigtime keep on keeping on 💪

CloudPop · Today 09:50

Nighttimeistherightime · Today 07:31

It’s awful but you have to distance yourself. This is your life now. She is marrying the kind of man who cheated on the person who bore his children. If he’s capable of that huge betrayal, there’s every chance that he will cheat on her. So look at their ‘perfect’ day with scepticism. No amount of beautiful flowers and pretty dresses will hide their dirty little actions. Think of your mutual friends, his family sitting there listening to him promise to be faithful to her, knowing he also promised you that. How can she believe him when he broke his vows with her? Think of the speech he will make when most of the guests have an opinion about him leaving you and your girls.
Hold your head up high; thank goodness he showed you what he was like because you have the opportunity now to meet someone who actually deserves you. Find some peace and minimise this event in your head. Marrying someone else doesn’t erase what he did to you and don’t be fooled into thinking life for them will be easy. If she’s never been married (especially if she doesn’t have kids) she will be acutely aware that he’s done it all before and that will sting. She is not getting any of the firsts and hasn’t exactly won a decent prize! Don’t let any of it get into your head. Your girls will have a fun day and be excited but you know the reality. Do something fabulous on the day; get dressed up and be with people who will boost you up.

Very wise words.

Fernhurst · Today 09:50

Fernhurst · Today 09:39

We know OP's ex is marrying though, so it's relevant that 75% of affair marriages end in divorce.

Show quote history

And of the 25% of affair marriages that don't end, they won't all be happy. Some people stay together who aren't happy. I know some people have a vested interest in wanting to think of affair marriages as being a success, but that's very often not the case.

NeatPinkFinch · Today 09:51

What a complete and utter cunt. He will probably do the same to her eventually too. A leopard never changes its spots. And she will deserve it.