Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

Honestly, the lack of empathy on this thread is astounding. So your ex left when your daughters were 1 and 3? Not only did you have to deal with the betrayal, you also had to bring up two young children alone. Hats off to you, OP. Crying is a natural reaction to news that’s good, bad, shocking etc. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your daughters. Don’t let others tell you to hide your emotions from your children. Let them see you’re a human being, too. It’s not like you’ve sat there for four years pining over your ex. You’ve got on with your life, bringing up your daughters, starting a business and having new experiences. Good luck with it all.

People don’t like others expressing their emotions. You’d rather people just quietly disappear into the background and never rock the boat.

I think fuck it I’m annoyed. People get to know about it. The kids will be emotionally damaged with your approach.

Try one day to not worry how others will receive your emotions. Make them about you. Not anyone else.

That's really shit, OP, I'm sorry. Make sure your girls know that they must not keep secrets from you when an adult tells them to (has your shithead ex thought that one through??). As for the wedding, I echo the advice to take a friend for a cheap break over that period to the best place you can go and drink a lot of cocktails.

Marriages born of affairs do not generally work out, but by the time you find out either way, I suspect you'll no longer give a shit.

I’m not surprised you were blindsided by your daughters telling you about your ex. You’re human and that’s a natural reaction. Oh and of course your children won’t be damaged by seeing you cry! Ignore that poster who’s being unnecessarily unkind.

@Mensuckbigtime these posters telling you to control your emotions and not cry in front of your children are actually stupid. If you hide every emotion, you teach your children that it's OK for their Father to behave any way he likes and you will just smile and accept it. Behaviour they will model later. Door mat to door mat.
It's OK to have a cry and then say, sorry, this still hurts me, but I'm getting past it, this news took me by surprise. Later in life your daughters will go through similar and you don't want them driving themselves crazy bottling up emotions - the only person this protects is the cheater.
Maybe instead of telling you not to cry, we should try telling the man not to be an ass!

Im sorry @Mensuckbigtime, this is such a hurtful situation for you. I have no wise words, but just wanted to send you a sisterly hug. You sound fantastic and a great mum to your dds. What a great example you are setting them. I hope you have a good friend you can offload this to, now and then. We all need an outlet for our misery now and then.

Then that will be a good thing and on most levels o think the op will be happy about it. My two have a good relationship with their step relations and id far rather that than not.

OP you are a fantastic mother. If only more parents could understand what you've articulated here: that emotions are healthy, that showing emotions is OK if done in the right way, that being super clear with your kids that they're not responsible for your sadness (or happiness) is also healthy.

Children are not stupid; if you 'hide' your emotions they know anyway, but then they internalise what they've seen and usually blame themselves. You've given your kids the chance to see and understand that a) feeling sad is normal and b) they didn't make you sad/it's not their fault.

God knows why all those posters are hammering you for crying once in front of your kids. Hiding emotions is often much more harmful. From all you's said here, you're a brilliant role model.

No advice but how awful! You must really feel like they are rubbing your nose in it. Hope that you plan something really lovely.

This 100pc
I have lived through similar experiences OP and can empathise with your emotional pain.
I promise you will get through this but allow yourself to cry and howl as much as you need to.
Now it's time to celebrate YOU and the amazing person you are.
And don't forget to keep the smile painted on your face, when required.
You may not be able to see it now but this event will propel you into your new life.
This will pass.
Sending you strength OP

This must be so hard for you. It seems to me that you are conducting yourself with rare dignity and grace. You are not allowing your understandable feelings poison your daughter's excitement about being flower girls. That is true love, putting your children first, and not involving them in a crossfire of bitterness and recrimination. A hand hold from me,and also respect and admiration. Your daughters are lucky to have a mother like you. As they get older and have more life experience they will understand appreciate your behaviour.

Obviously your kids will be fine because you cried in front of them once, deranged of people to think otherwise. The only bad parenting here is your ex asking them to keep secrets, that's 101 bad parenting with actual real life consequences.

I would not, however, have sent the message and in future I'd process any thoughts and feelings in letters you burn afterwards, or rip up or whatever. Not only does he obviously not care about how you feel but men like this always get that little kick form knowing they can still provoke an emotional response. It will have given him the warm and fuzzies, don't give him the satisfaction again.

Gosh I feel for you op.

Fwiw one day when your girls are adult women they will look back on this and realise how horrendous this will have been for you. Not saying they will feel guilty or that they should feel guilty...they are only small, but once they are adults they will absolutely realise what this must have done to you.

For what it's worth, I think it was totally fine to tell them that you're upset, at some point tell them the truth that she is the woman he cheated with, and if you cried, you cried. You're human, parents are human. I think it's worse to let them idolise a shitty other woman and a man who abandoned them without having some of the facts. Life is tough, lieing to them and protecting them and making it seem like YOU are mean mummy who keeps it all together while exH is the fun one with a fun ex wife, is shitty too

hmmm- so you are responding in a reactive way based on your feelings -

pot kettle

sorry this was a response to the unhelpful poster but it hasn’t included the quote

The problem with cheating is that they kind of back themselves into a corner with regards to trying to justify it. They either split up with their affair partner and look like they imploded their marriage and upset their kids for a shag or they try to make it look like they are some kind of romantic love story and couldn’t be kept apart. People will go along with the wedding (the bigger it is, the more insecure they probably are) and celebrate them in a slightly half-arsed way but the reality is it is a relationship based on cheating and that brings its own insecurities. One cheated on their spouse, one was happy cheating with someone who had made a commitment of fidelity. It’s not a union I’d want to be in, personally. They think they are wiping their slate clean, but surely in that relationship you’d always have it in the back of your mind what the other is capable of right? It’s upsetting but I don’t think it’s going to be sunshine and roses. More fool them.

@Mensuckbigtime you are getting a lot of stick for crying! Back off people! Everyone is human and sometimes you get caught unaware. My ex did this many years ago and what my kids carried afterwards was not the guilt of seeing me cry but the guilt that Daddy had asked them not to tell Mummy and how conflicted that made them feel.

FWIW, you seem to be doing just great. your feelings and reactions are normal and how you have rebuilt your life is absolutely amazing.

And again, speculating that the contentment you see is all a big lie seems a little unhinged to me.

Ok @Mensuckbigtime Im going to stick my neck out here and say youve done nothing wrong at all. You are human, you've suffered a huge bereavement and of course youre going to have and show emotions when taken by surprise. Of course we protect our children, to the best of our ability, but sometimes they do witness our own raw, spontaneous emotions after a death, an accident or a deep betrayal. In my view, we try too hard to sanitise our children's lives thinking we are protecting them but in fact we perpetuate the myth that anger and sadness are only acceptable for children when in fact they are a very important part of the human range of emotion. I think how you then speak about it afterwards and make repairs is important, emphasising they did nothing wrong by telling you, that they arent responsible for your feelings and that youre happy for them and their role on the day.

Id find it utterly galling too. And 4 years is nothing when youve been together for so long.

I think OPs kids will be much more impacted by their dad having an affair and breaking up their family, marrying the OW than seeing their mum crying once.

I would say to him "Can you please not ask the dc to keep secrets from me. It's inappropriate as I'm their mother and they told me immediately anyway."

All this spouting ‘karma’ and ‘once a cheater’ stuff is just puerile. We know 2 friends that had affairs and have gone on to marry the OW. No-one has suffered any cosmic retribution, no second wives are looking over their shoulders.

What has actually happened is that they are extremely happy, everyone has adjusted and moved on and no children were harmed or traumatised in the process.

When he told your children he knew they would tell you, it’s malicious. Parents should not tell children adult issues he should have told you then them, it’s called good coparenting and common decency. However, he had an affair so he probably doesn’t have any.

Remember this when they marry, a vacancy is created 😉.

You are doing fantastic op your feelings are normal. Be there for your children there will be more to come ie “new family member “ . The ow could potentially push your girls out .

Live your best life !

Hold on to your defiance OP. Hearing he’s getting married has brought back bad memories and has just made you wobble a bit. He should have told you, warned you, it would have been the decent thing to do and then you would have been stronger when your DDs told you.I think lots of people would have cried , we aren’t robots. The nice thing is that your DDs are obviously already loyal to you and know they can trust you because they came straight back home and spilt the beans.. Don’t forget how strong you are, you will cope with this too. Have something nice planned for the actual day , if you like clothes dress up put your lippy on and have a lovely day yourself. Sending you best wishes you will get through this.

Have you shielded them from what he did?
My mum told me, and I decided to have nothing to do with him. It’s not very conventional as women are supposed to cover a man’s tracks so his children don’t know his scum…. But my mum felt if he didn’t want people to know, he shouldn’t have done it. Which I remember her telling him in my presence about age 4!
Anyway, do they actually know what he did, and still want to be flower girls? If so, all you can do is support them. If they don’t know, tell them and support their decision either way. Obviously in an age appropriate way such as ‘sorry mummy was crying when you told me, I was upset as it made me think about how daddy was kissing that lady and lied about it when he was still kissing mummy. That is called cheating/ an affair. His bad secret made me very sad and it sometimes still hurts, which is why I cried. You did the right thing in telling me, so here’s a biscuit and well done for remembering you don’t keep secrets from mummy.’