Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

Yes it was a mean way to handle it, letting your DDs in the "the secret" while you are still on the outer.

I don't know what to suggest OP. These situations are never the clean splice they are theoretically able to be.

I think I'd be going away around that time - though I guess he wants a honeymoon?

He's just created a vacancy

This.

Even at that age, they can put on a brave face, but children understand the divided loyalties and emotional tangles in these situations - even if they don't know all the ins and outs.

Surely the kids spending a week with their dad would be no different from other holidays? But you're right @Lexibletheflexible that it would be cruel to make them miss the wedding altogether. I don't think OP owes the exH much here.

OP, on reflection it sounds really tricky - outside the moment when they serve as ornaments walking down the aisle, your ex may not want much to do with his daughters on his wedding day. And you'll have to try to protect both them and yourself.

Above all, you'll need clarity on his plans, and to not be made the de-facto nanny who gets to hold the children when they're not required for the festivities. Here's hoping your ex shows some remnants of decency in this process (though starting with asking the kids to keep secrets is not promising).

And reading back your replies - you're absolutely right, you're allowed to be upset, mothers cannot be expected to be robots, kids notice emotions anyway even if not expressed and it's better to be honest about them, and calling you 'bitter' for being affected by this situation is just daft.

This is great advice. She is not getting a prize. She is with a cheater who would leave his wife with a one year old baby.

You are being expected to suck up an awful lot though. Your pain oozes out of your posts.

I'm old and have seen a lot of men leave a lot of women via work and acquaintances etc. and IMHO, it's never as good as it looks on the outside. There are always issues.

And for some light relief think of the guests especially the aunties who went to wedding one. Those people will be sitting there looking at OW in a white dress judging!! It’s a pity my mother’s not going frankly. It’d be fairly clear what she thought about the pair of them. A man leaving his wife literally holding a baby is top of her list of pet hates!! And she’s been around long enough to have seen it all!!

Big hugs to you OP. It’s cruel and so self serving to make the kids participate. Like others I hope you can plan something really special for yourself over that time. Have you got close friends that you can ask to support you/stay close whilst your girls are away?

ExH married OW and then got his mum to drop DC off while they were still in their wedding party clothes 🙄 If it’s any comfort, whatever problems that were there in your marriage will probably surface in his second marriage since it doesn’t sound like he’s reflected and worked on himself. So in a few years, the cracks will start to appear.

I think you have to decide which is worse - for your DC to be happy when they’re with him and OW or for them to feel like they’re living with a stranger. Both suck, but in different ways. It’s the latter for my DC after almost 10 years, and it’s not great.

You're actually letting your daughters be bridesmaids at his wedding to the woman he cheated on you with and who broke up your family?? Why didn't you put your foot down and bloody say no it ain't happening?! Amd don't start with all this "they're his children too"- he was the one who decided to cheat and break up his children's home.

OP I hope you stayed with the thread because I’m happy to read the post tone has shifted since I posted. There are empathetic posts on the later pages with solid advice/ experience.

my ex remarried at Christmas time but the venue was already set up for their holiday members dinner so there were tables with chafing dishes set up right down the center of the venue. The “bridal party” which including my DD who was 9 ish had to walk around the chafing dish display. My 9 y.o was old enough to know this was ridiculous and told me and we stil chuckle about chafing dishes. She was included along with the brides 5 other daughters and given a bracelet with the date engraved. Haven’t seen it in a decade.

I’ve been around the mistress/ second wife on many life events and I include myself when I say…..the second one or the OW is never better than the OG wife. Younger..meh. More money…meh but better person haven’t seen it.

at a funeral I was observing a very young man who left his newlywed wife for someone else and she immediately became pregnant. My friend said what are you thinking lavender brown? And I said my thoughts are not nice…how could he leave his classy beautiful pediatric critical care nurse newlywed bride who he had a darling meet cute with and really courted her from 2 states away(USA) for the girl with her cleavage and ass on display at a funeral?
Men. (Namatt of course MN)

OP you are experiencing the patriarchy as this situation plays out. He left you and your children by having an affair and is now marrying the woman. You are supposed to accept this dynamic without emotion, prioritise everyone else’s feelings alongside working full time and all the other responsibilities he left you with when he bowed out.

I tnink if you wait long enough life will bite his arse. Usually around the time that your life finds sixth gear and you genuinely give him zero thought.

It will not become 'traumatic and painful for them'. This is based on a faulty premise that children somehow do not understand that what is going on and cannot cope with the truth being explained to them in a rational, caring manner. Their father has gone from the family home, he is doing new things with another woman that he used to do with mummy and they can sense mummy is upset even with her best attempts to hide it at times. On the other hand they see the OW is very happy with Daddy. I think if they are even half way intelligent children, they have figured it out.

What they now need from their main parent is context. Is this ok? Is what daddy did fine? What is the importance of marriage? Why is what Daddy did wrong? Why is what the OW did wrong?

Sending them to the wedding to attend upon the OW gives a confusing message. And it is a macabre form of emotional gaslighting. Gaslighting to the kids. It also doesn't respect their dignity as I said. Why should they throw rose petals at the OW feet and be photographed alongside her marrying their father after cheating with him and helping ruin their own home? And celebrate that union? Tell me how that preserves their dignity? Their sense of right and wrong?

And you know another reason why it's not going to cause trauma? Because they will grow up to respect that their mother preserved their dignity and taught them self worth and the importance of gaining healthy mental and emotional boundaries and a uniform consistent message.

It will also teach (girls especially!) that you don't have to endorse someone hurting you by taking part in their own narcissistic decisions. You don't have to be a 'nice' woman or girl, it's ok to say I matter and I do not agree with what you did and I do not wish you harm but I equally will not be celebrating your success.

No one is suggesting sabotaging the 50/50 time. No one is suggesting bad mouthing him. OR the OW for that matter. No is suggesting they deny the reality of the marriage. They are saying taking part in the wedding especially as flower girls is crossing boundaries and plain wrong. We have to question if always being nice actually is best for the children in all scenarios in situations like this. It isn't. I think we're increasingly starting to see that as a society.

But the OP has made her decision, I don't agree with it, but there is huge pressure for wronged women in these situations to be nice as seen by posters jumping on her for expressing her emotions and crying and an increasing downplay on the effects of marital affairs in modern society.

A bit of shame should be brought back. If nothing else but for acknowledgement of the financial cost to society of homes broken through infidelity which is within the many millions a year and billions in the longer term.

This is a brilliant post.

Nope not bitter, a thoroughly decent person who is putting her kids first.

the bitter ones are the ones suggesting using the children as weapons (sugar rush, holiday, point blank not letting them go)

there is a point where it stops being petty and is unhinged & dangerous behaviour.

a lot of mumsnet posters could learn from you

As one who has been betrayed after a long marriage with children , I totally get this and fully empathise and condone all your feelings and reactions. It’s not wrong to show sadness to your kids and they will instinctively get why you’re upset I’m sure. But you have proved to them that you are a strong woman who can take control and get through life when bad things happen to you - a much more important lesson for your girls
Even after a long time things can trigger the trauma again ( yes it is a trauma) and bring sharply back the rawness of emotions involved . Just know that this won’t last and like PP have said plan something positive and supportive during or after the event . Know that you don’t really want him back after what has happened as he was not someone to respect you as you truly deserve. Good luck and hugs

It's not 'bitter' or 'unhinged'.

Your putting women who aren't playing walk over and actually wish to protect their children's boundaries is patriarchal societal brain washing. Calling women unhinged is up there with hysterical. The next thing will be 'jealous'

Women collectively put up with an incredible lot in these situations. They are left dealing with the fallout, left doing the majority of child raising and left with impacts on their career, their finances, and their emotional and mental health and somehow putting any sort of line in the sound makes them either bitter, jealous, or unhinged.

Not making them attend the wedding is putting the kids first.

They want to attend the wedding, they want to be flower girls. They are not being forced, at least read the op and understand it.

It won't be traumatic or painful for them to just be involved in their dad's wedding and then have it naturally fade from memory as something uneventful. Turning it into a battleground absolutely will be, and won't make any difference when the new woman is part of their lives in stuff that matters more afterwards anyway. What do you mean, if they are intelligent they have figured it out? They're 8 and 5. That's an absolutely ridiculous level of adult projection.

I can't be bothered to go through this wall of text line by line but the whole thing is you putting a lens on the whole thing that makes it all about his history with OP, while trying to whitewash it as child protection. In the most respectful way, it's actually nothing to do with OP at all (although of course it upsets her, that's totally understandable). It is about his new relationship and his relationship with his children. He's getting married so he's celebrating that, and his children are in his life so they're part of that celebration. I'm not saying he isn't a shit, he sounds like one and the marriage might well be a wreck. But you're deflecting and projecting all sorts of things on to his kids being flower girls at his wedding because of the cheating, and it isn't actually about that. It's about his new marriage and his children being involved in his life milestone.

There's no confusing message at all. Not unless you plant one there with a load of guff like this that insists on making the event all about something else entirely because by your own admission you want to "shame" cheaters, and you think using kids to do that is fine... while trying to convince yourself you're protecting them.

It's damaging and self serving. I'm so glad OP isn't going to do all this shit.

Book a week away - ideally with a girlfriend - somewhere lovely, over the wedding weekend.

And then you must draw a line and move on. It’s been four years. Life moves on, he’s moved on and so must you.

If you’re still really stuck then do therapy.

When a man married his mistress, it leaves a vacancy.

I know that won't address your immediate emotions, which are completely human reactions, but bide your time.

Oh good that old trope.

Agree.

Some of the posts on this thread are crazy!

So silly. It’s just one of those daft sayings designed to make people feel better, but who thinks it’s this simplistic?

It certainly wouldn’t comfort a rational person who’s actually hurting. The reality is that affairs often happen because a marriage is already unhappy or because someone feels they’re with the wrong person. It’s not because there’s an inevitable revolving door waiting to create a ‘vacancy’ and it’s really patronising to say so.

I still remember Anthea Turner married her ex husband who got together because he had cheated on his ex wife. Was anyone surprised when lo and behold despite having a marvellous marriage he left her after cheating with someone else. I do hope OP you can spend the day with friends. I also hope you go on to meet a wonderful man who cares and truly loves you. Quite often on here I notice that there is the comment It turns out he has cheated again. To me your ex is very likely to do that. I wish you all the best.

You'll be over it when you meet someone new I suspect but that can't be hurried or engineered, so in the meantime you are in a sort of learning loop and have to be patient and kind to yourself.

A few things to remember though. First off, teach your girls that nothing, literally nothing, will overwhelm you for long. Yes you can be sad and cry sometimes when you work through the feelings, but so what? That's as much a part of life as the happy times, it's normal and you embrace it all. The important thing is not that you shield them from it or pretend everything is fine when it's not, but that you lead the way through it by example, because this will become a part of who they are as adult women. You can teach them not to fear the catastrophes of life, but to deal with them - resilience basically - which is the biggest gift any parent can give their child.
The time for teaching them that relationships can be trusting and loving will come later when you meet your next husband - don't worry about it for now. That's tomorrow's lesson. Focus on today.
I wish you all the luck in the world- your happier days will come. In the meantime I'm sure you are absolutely rocking it, in a heartbroken but still breathing kind of way.