Page 17 | Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

Mensuckbigtime · 2026-07-22T06:11:43+00:00

When does the pain stop? it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls. I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls? it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

Wiltshirehammy · Today 17:17

Brightlittlecanary · Today 16:52

Oh good that old trope.

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Aye, and I'm old and cynical and have seen it play out countless times.

babyproblems · Today 17:23

He’s clearly a shit because four years is NOTHING for a marriage and two children!!!

Of course this will be painful for you - four years is such a short period of time.
Your girls will see him for what he is when they are older… and she will never ever be able to fully trust him…

Painful for you @Mensuckbigtime but you have clearly had a lucky escape from him.
Big hug for you xxxx

Pinkrosesforme · Today 17:27

@OwlCalledSage The reality is that affairs often happen because a marriage is already unhappy or because someone feels they’re with the wrong person.

This is also incorrect.

Affairs happen because the cheater has poor problem-solving skills, is conflict avoidant, has entitlement issues and most importantly a lack of empathy.

These flaws will be taken into any future relationship, which is why so many unions built on cheating don't survive.

If someone is unhappy then they should speak up. If someone feels they are with the wrong person, they should speak up. But if someone is conflict avoidant they don't address any issues.
Then along comes someone else who they see as a distraction from their situation and before they know it they are cheating.
Unfortunately this always ends badly.

TightlyLacedCorset · Today 17:28

ThatCyanCat · Today 16:44

It won't be traumatic or painful for them to just be involved in their dad's wedding and then have it naturally fade from memory as something uneventful. Turning it into a battleground absolutely will be, and won't make any difference when the new woman is part of their lives in stuff that matters more afterwards anyway. What do you mean, if they are intelligent they have figured it out? They're 8 and 5. That's an absolutely ridiculous level of adult projection.

I can't be bothered to go through this wall of text line by line but the whole thing is you putting a lens on the whole thing that makes it all about his history with OP, while trying to whitewash it as child protection. In the most respectful way, it's actually nothing to do with OP at all (although of course it upsets her, that's totally understandable). It is about his new relationship and his relationship with his children. He's getting married so he's celebrating that, and his children are in his life so they're part of that celebration. I'm not saying he isn't a shit, he sounds like one and the marriage might well be a wreck. But you're deflecting and projecting all sorts of things on to his kids being flower girls at his wedding because of the cheating, and it isn't actually about that. It's about his new marriage and his children being involved in his life milestone.

There's no confusing message at all. Not unless you plant one there with a load of guff like this that insists on making the event all about something else entirely because by your own admission you want to "shame" cheaters, and you think using kids to do that is fine... while trying to convince yourself you're protecting them.

It's damaging and self serving. I'm so glad OP isn't going to do all this shit.

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There is no need for the rudeness. Ironically, I had been polite in my responses.

I absolutely see it as abusive to the kids for the OW and their father to expect them to celebrate their dad's new 'life milestone' as you put it, that has come at the cost of their own happiness and wellbeing. Fuck his milestone. How narcissistic is it to think 'I broke up my family and now I expect my kids to celebrate my new marital milestone as I forge ahead to tie the knot and expect them to play a prominent part in celebrating my happiness'

You think it's all fine and hunky dory and a positive message. I cannot see how it is. You think it's good for the kids I do not.

Why do they have to celebrate it? Why is it necessary? Who said that was best for them. You are assuming it is, based on a very passive and inconsistent moral reasoning and the belief that we all maintain the cheating partners happiness at all cost.

And saying attending the wedding fades out of memory...I was a bridesmaid at my Aunt's wedding as a child and I also don't remember much, but I do remember I was there. I would be really upset as I grew older to think I was there at my father's to the OW who also cheated.

Once again, it is neither bitter nor vindictive to say sorry, I will not be sending the children to celebrate this wedding which endorses a relationship that has come at a cost of their own family security. You may of course spend time with the kids after the wedding if you want and the arrangements for spending time with them will remain the same as before.

What's actually wrong with that?

It's not making it a contentious issue. It will become contentious If he makes a fuss about it, I grant you that.

But If there's any upset, well he caused that and she caused that. If he or they accept responsibility (well he wouldn't even have expected they would be flower girls in the first place and definitely would have discussed it first) he'll accept that.

What is this facilitation and accommodation of the cheating partner to the detriment of the children and the ex about? Why must women bend over backwards being nice even when it's unnecessary exactly?

piscofrisco · Today 17:31

Im 10 years on from this and I promise it does get easier. It never goes away but you can come through it and the way you ‘win’ if anyone can is to forge yourself a happy life.
The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. And you can get there.

The wedding will be hard. Try not to have any info about it as far as possible and distance yourself as much as you can. You need not be negative about it to the girls but you also don’t need to hear about it all the time. And it’s fine to say ‘that’s nice’ and change the subject when they talk about it for self preservation.
Whilst it will be difficult it also wont physically kill you. Remind yourself of that when it feels like you might break. It’s 24 hours that you will have to endure but you can and you will.

Strawberry53 · Today 17:36

Mensuckbigtime · Today 07:41

had a conversation with both girls yesterday and also told ExH

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Did ExH agree not to do that again? It’s such poor behaviour from him to ask them to keep a secret, he should have told you first and let you know when he was going to tell them. He’s an arse for that alone let alone the other stuff he’s done to you.

I think you should book a holiday for the period of the wedding so you have something fun to look forward to. It’s not easy and it’s not been a long time at all, you’re doing really well considering, even if it feels like you’re not. Time will eventually heal the pain that remains, doesn’t make it easier right now but remind yourself how well you have done so far.

Triskellion75 · Today 17:55

outerspacepotato · Today 14:52

He's moving on with no consequences for cheating and breaking up your family and it's ok to feel badly about that. He was wrong asking your kids to keep a secret from you, much less something so major and you really need to text him about that. I think in person wouldn't:y be a good idea because your feelings are running so high right now.

But to hold so much resentment for nearly half a decade and hurt so when he takes a major life step, that keeps you tied to him. He is still very present in your headspace while the same is not true for him.

Those saying to weaponize the kids against him and withhold them from going to the wedding don't have your kids best interests in mind, their priority is to see the cheating ex hurt.

Do you want to move on or hang on?

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Do you really think she's actively choosing to feel like this? If they didn't have small children it would be a damn sight easier to move on but the reality is she has to see and deal with him on a regular basis. It would be ideal if we could click our fingers and say 'right, done' but the reality is much more complex than that.

cloudtreecarpet · Today 18:07

TightlyLacedCorset · Today 17:28

There is no need for the rudeness. Ironically, I had been polite in my responses.

I absolutely see it as abusive to the kids for the OW and their father to expect them to celebrate their dad's new 'life milestone' as you put it, that has come at the cost of their own happiness and wellbeing. Fuck his milestone. How narcissistic is it to think 'I broke up my family and now I expect my kids to celebrate my new marital milestone as I forge ahead to tie the knot and expect them to play a prominent part in celebrating my happiness'

You think it's all fine and hunky dory and a positive message. I cannot see how it is. You think it's good for the kids I do not.

Why do they have to celebrate it? Why is it necessary? Who said that was best for them. You are assuming it is, based on a very passive and inconsistent moral reasoning and the belief that we all maintain the cheating partners happiness at all cost.

And saying attending the wedding fades out of memory...I was a bridesmaid at my Aunt's wedding as a child and I also don't remember much, but I do remember I was there. I would be really upset as I grew older to think I was there at my father's to the OW who also cheated.

Once again, it is neither bitter nor vindictive to say sorry, I will not be sending the children to celebrate this wedding which endorses a relationship that has come at a cost of their own family security. You may of course spend time with the kids after the wedding if you want and the arrangements for spending time with them will remain the same as before.

What's actually wrong with that?

It's not making it a contentious issue. It will become contentious If he makes a fuss about it, I grant you that.

But If there's any upset, well he caused that and she caused that. If he or they accept responsibility (well he wouldn't even have expected they would be flower girls in the first place and definitely would have discussed it first) he'll accept that.

What is this facilitation and accommodation of the cheating partner to the detriment of the children and the ex about? Why must women bend over backwards being nice even when it's unnecessary exactly?

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But, again, what if the children want to be involved?
Presumably they do because their dad will have promised them lovely dresses to wear and all sorts.
If mum then does what you say and says they can't go she becomes the bad one as far as they are concerned because they are just young kids.

It's too late for the OP to be this saying this now and four years have passed so presumably the children have a relationship with the OW .
This situation with mum & dad not together and dad with OW is pretty much all they have known.

Four years to the OP is not the same hence she is upset, and understandably so, but I think unless the children don't like being with their dad and the OW, not letting them go to a wedding they have heard all about would be unfair and make unnecessary drama.