Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

Aye, and I'm old and cynical and have seen it play out countless times.

He’s clearly a shit because four years is NOTHING for a marriage and two children!!!

Of course this will be painful for you - four years is such a short period of time.
Your girls will see him for what he is when they are older… and she will never ever be able to fully trust him…

Painful for you @Mensuckbigtime but you have clearly had a lucky escape from him.
Big hug for you xxxx

@OwlCalledSage The reality is that affairs often happen because a marriage is already unhappy or because someone feels they’re with the wrong person.

This is also incorrect.

Affairs happen because the cheater has poor problem-solving skills, is conflict avoidant, has entitlement issues and most importantly a lack of empathy.

These flaws will be taken into any future relationship, which is why so many unions built on cheating don't survive.

If someone is unhappy then they should speak up. If someone feels they are with the wrong person, they should speak up. But if someone is conflict avoidant they don't address any issues.
Then along comes someone else who they see as a distraction from their situation and before they know it they are cheating.
Unfortunately this always ends badly.

There is no need for the rudeness. Ironically, I had been polite in my responses.

I absolutely see it as abusive to the kids for the OW and their father to expect them to celebrate their dad's new 'life milestone' as you put it, that has come at the cost of their own happiness and wellbeing. Fuck his milestone. How narcissistic is it to think 'I broke up my family and now I expect my kids to celebrate my new marital milestone as I forge ahead to tie the knot and expect them to play a prominent part in celebrating my happiness'

You think it's all fine and hunky dory and a positive message. I cannot see how it is. You think it's good for the kids I do not.

Why do they have to celebrate it? Why is it necessary? Who said that was best for them. You are assuming it is, based on a very passive and inconsistent moral reasoning and the belief that we all maintain the cheating partners happiness at all cost.

And saying attending the wedding fades out of memory...I was a bridesmaid at my Aunt's wedding as a child and I also don't remember much, but I do remember I was there. I would be really upset as I grew older to think I was there at my father's to the OW who also cheated.

Once again, it is neither bitter nor vindictive to say sorry, I will not be sending the children to celebrate this wedding which endorses a relationship that has come at a cost of their own family security. You may of course spend time with the kids after the wedding if you want and the arrangements for spending time with them will remain the same as before.

What's actually wrong with that?

It's not making it a contentious issue. It will become contentious If he makes a fuss about it, I grant you that.

But If there's any upset, well he caused that and she caused that. If he or they accept responsibility (well he wouldn't even have expected they would be flower girls in the first place and definitely would have discussed it first) he'll accept that.

What is this facilitation and accommodation of the cheating partner to the detriment of the children and the ex about? Why must women bend over backwards being nice even when it's unnecessary exactly?

Im 10 years on from this and I promise it does get easier. It never goes away but you can come through it and the way you ‘win’ if anyone can is to forge yourself a happy life.
The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. And you can get there.

The wedding will be hard. Try not to have any info about it as far as possible and distance yourself as much as you can. You need not be negative about it to the girls but you also don’t need to hear about it all the time. And it’s fine to say ‘that’s nice’ and change the subject when they talk about it for self preservation.
Whilst it will be difficult it also wont physically kill you. Remind yourself of that when it feels like you might break. It’s 24 hours that you will have to endure but you can and you will.

Did ExH agree not to do that again? It’s such poor behaviour from him to ask them to keep a secret, he should have told you first and let you know when he was going to tell them. He’s an arse for that alone let alone the other stuff he’s done to you.

I think you should book a holiday for the period of the wedding so you have something fun to look forward to. It’s not easy and it’s not been a long time at all, you’re doing really well considering, even if it feels like you’re not. Time will eventually heal the pain that remains, doesn’t make it easier right now but remind yourself how well you have done so far.

Do you really think she's actively choosing to feel like this? If they didn't have small children it would be a damn sight easier to move on but the reality is she has to see and deal with him on a regular basis. It would be ideal if we could click our fingers and say 'right, done' but the reality is much more complex than that.

But, again, what if the children want to be involved?
Presumably they do because their dad will have promised them lovely dresses to wear and all sorts.
If mum then does what you say and says they can't go she becomes the bad one as far as they are concerned because they are just young kids.

It's too late for the OP to be this saying this now and four years have passed so presumably the children have a relationship with the OW .
This situation with mum & dad not together and dad with OW is pretty much all they have known.

Four years to the OP is not the same hence she is upset, and understandably so, but I think unless the children don't like being with their dad and the OW, not letting them go to a wedding they have heard all about would be unfair and make unnecessary drama.

Well I would have gone fucking nuts at him for the "Dont tell mama" thing. That is totally unacceptable. As Joey said "So far over the line you can't SEE the line".

She cried once, shock does that sometimes. And I would argue that rather than "damaging" or "traumatising" the kids, @Mensuckbigtime is actually teaching them that is ok to be shocked, sad, cry, basically feel our feelings sometimes. She followed it up with a conversation about how she wasnt upset with them and it wasnt their fault, which is the perfect way to handle it.

She didnt do a full drama of screaming, shouting, tearing her hair out etc, which my mother would have done and then never mentioned it again as if it had never happened. Ask me how I know! Now that is damaging, she just cried a wee bit. We all do!

Agreed. The OP has acted with great sense and dignity over this difficult situation

There was no rudeness in my post.

And this is all the same stuff. You think the wedding is all about OP and her history with the ex. It isn't. You are trying to make out that getting in between the girls and their father to make a battleground out of their role in his wedding is protecting them, but it isnt. It's self serving and it will confuse and trouble them because to them, it isn't about hurting Mummy unless you put that idea in their heads and essentially make them feel guilty if they want to do it. Their idiot father has already tried to teach them to keep secrets, the twat; the last thing they need now is Mummy politicising and weaponising this thing so that they start thinking perhaps he was right.

Fighting the celebration of the relationship is just deflection, trying to get a swing in somewhere. The relationship will be part of their lives whatever they do in the wedding; making this the hill to die on is tokenistic and only serves to make you feel better.

At the end of the day, the relationship and wedding are not actually about OP and her history with him (and she's not been saying it is, people like you are). You insist that they are, while pretending you're just trying to protect the kids. Your post is all about the history. There's absolutely no thought to their relationship with their father.

Making the whole thing as safe and uneventful for them as possible, rather than making it a battleground, is what will protect them. It'll also free up energy for OP to use positively on herself.

I know it doesn’t help with the pain you are experiencing, but there are so many men that would move on and leave their children behind. The happy couple wouldn’t want his children sullying their wedding. Their inclusion is a sign that your daughters may be treated well in his home by the OW. It’s not definitive, but it is one piece of evidence.

At this point, that is what you have to hope for. You want them to have a good life when they are away from you. It is awful, but it is happening, so try to focus on the positive.

I reckon they thought so much of themselves that I would be storming into the registery office singing "It should have been me" There was some poetic justice, he left me with one child, they had 3 and then she cleared off and left him with them. I did feel sorry for the kids, after all they are my child's half siblings but allowed myself a bit of a smile because the men always think they are moving on to a much better life when usually what they get is another version of the life they already had

@Lifeomars the men always think they are moving on to a much better life when usually what they get is another version of the life they already had

That is spot-on.

"The same book with a different cover" is another way you could put it.

There are 2 people in a relationship. One person leaves a relationship because they are 'unhappy', forgetting that they are one of the 2 people. They then go into a wonderful new relationship, taking their crappy selves with them and wonder why the same issues keep coming up !

It sounds like you’re mourning the life that you thought you would have with him, and now you’re watching OW go towards having that. I don’t think you’re mourning him so much as the future you thought you’d have with someone you were in love with, and now you’re facing that future potentially alone. What if you don’t have someone too? It’s hard watching someone else’s romantic happiness when yours has been destroyed, never mind that it’s the ones who tore that big hole in your world.

That’s what you’re grappling with, I think. Things are uncertain and it’s scary. Your feelings are totally understandable and grief has no set expiry date. And then with your DDs in the mix, it makes it hurt even more. Can you imagine being happy if they stay married into old age and you find yourself alone? I think you can do it, OP.

As other PP have said, you are more than your life with him and you will have a great fulfilled future whether you find someone yourself or not. Much love and strength to you, and do nice things for you 💖

I agree that it's probably all they've known being as they were very young when the affair started, and as a result the situation may be normalised for them and going may just be an extension of what they're already used to. That is a fair and valid point.

I still don't agree with the concept in principle but as regards the OP I do see the dilemma.

The OP has made her choice to let them go. And I sympathise with her. She's been put in a shit position. As you say, if she says no she's the villain, although...I think I would counter that with a great holiday.

As regards the children actively wanting to go, here's where I think it was partly a strategy by the father to get them onboard secretly before the small possibility that mum would possibly object. Unfortunately they're too young to understand what they're being asked to do and understand daddy's manipulation tactics.

Frankly I'd not allow it and suck it up, my job isn't to always be nice mummy.

But that's me.

Exactly this
when the OW becomes a full time partner she is creating a vacancy for a new OW

I agree with the poster who said book a holiday over this time id say the week before and at least a week after so you aren’t about for childcare!

My daughters friends Mum had this exact scenario and they only have one daughter (my daughters friend) then the OW had a baby and provided my daughters friend with a “sibling” and so it was really difficult for her. She still finds it very difficult but we know her ex STILL has a wandering eye!

To be fair, you're repeating yourself as well.

There is a large distance between simply refusing attendance at ONE wedding event and ruining their entire relationship with their father. HE and only HE willingly jeopardized that relationship in a massively much larger way.

The co-parenting relationship sometimes requires one parent saying no. That doesn't automatically equate to it being a 'battleground' there's no attempt to start a war. The children will continue seeing their father. The father will not be spoken ill of. The marriage will be acknowledged. They just won't be attending to the OW at their wedding.

It is not about the OPs feelings. I barely mentioned her feelings. It's about the inappropriateness of children attending a wedding based on a relationship that came at the expense of their own family unit. And the assumption that it's A-ok because the ex cheating partner, who often is behaving selfishly if not completely narcissistically in these situations and expects everyone to jump onboard with, as you very aptly put it, their 'new life milestone' wants it and they're 'just children' and the appropriateness for them is not even given thought.

But we're not going to agree and that's mumsnet. You think it's in the children's best interests to attend and I can see why you think that, you believe refusing them attendance will traumatise them.

I think making them attend traumatises them psychologically in a different way and enforces a dodgy message about self-respect and pandering to the feelings of others, and subjugating their own developing sense of right and wrong.

I don't think the children are solely wanted for themselves. Or why the secrecy? Surely he could have told OP the plan.

I think the new marriage is at least partly an attempt to sanction 'the wrong' in the eyes of others and the children become necessary accessories to that. They're proxies. They cannot not have the children there, because then all the guests will remember the way that relationship started you see? So they have to be there. It's not like a normal happy wedding where the children are just genuinely wanted for themselves to share in the occasion. It's already tainted. Children shouldn't be used in that way.

But courses for horses.

How do you think a Family Court would view a mother refusing to let the children go to their father's wedding ? Whether it will be held during her or his usual time with the children.
Seriously, get real.

If the wedding is during his normal contact time, OP doesn’t need to give any permission. Slightly confused as to why some posters keep saying they wouldn’t allow it.

The father can make his own decisions on his own time.

Yes he should have told you before kids

and def shouldnt have said to kids don’t tell mummy

you are better off without him but I get the hardness of being a single parent

and nothing wrong with crying. I cried when split with dh even tho my choice but his actions

and I said to mini blondes that yes mummy is sad but it’s fine to be sad at times

few months on and i wasn’t sad and 2yrs on the best thing I did @Mensuckbigtime

I can honestly hand on heart tell you that 'what a family court thinks' would never influence my decision making in regards to doing what I think I know is best for my children.

For real.

I agree regarding if it’s in ‘his’ time but if she refused to vary the time spent to deny them attending the wedding during ‘her’ time I’m certain a Family Court would not look on that favourably.

If they have an informal agreement it would be considered unreasonable and if they have a CAO it will say something to the effect of any other reasonable times.

Luckily OP is being reasonable although is understandably hurt.

I, and a lot of other people, don’t think it would be right for the children. However, how would you deal with a Court if it decided to impose sanctions ?

You need to loosen those laces.

totaly disagree with this, these girls aren’t being brought up by a regressive robot

children can learn it’s ok to have feeling, show those feelings but also support them in going and have a nice time. No manipulation, no drama, no hiding away. True feeling that you can put on a brave face and be happy for them

as op said, she is not asking the dc to support her

not seeing your mum cry would actually be far worse as you’d grow up thinking feelings have to be hiden