Page 13 | Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

Sassylovesbooks · Today 12:44

OP, you cried once in front of your daughter's and had a proper conversation with them both afterwards.

We are all human, and sometimes our emotions do get the better of us.... isn't that part of what makes us human and not robots?!

Personally, I would have gone with the 'Don't tell our children to keep secrets from me, that's very unfair on them. You can't expect an 8 and 5 year old to keep a secret, they don't have the emotional capacity or maturity to do so. Neither should they be keeping secrets from either one of us and shouldn't be encouraged to do so. Next time, tell me yourself, before you tell the girls'. I wouldn't have given any opinion on the wedding at all, because it's none of your business.

The OW is not marrying a prince among men, she's marrying a man who cheated on his wife and walked out on his family. She doesn't have a gold prize, she has the booby prize instead. Unfortunately, women have the odd way of looking at these type of situations. It never seems to enter their head, that if the man cheated on his wife with them, then he could do the same to her!!

Damnedidont · Today 12:45

My friend had a very similar experience. Ex got married and son was invited to the wedding. However, he was not invited to the reception and she had to cope with him kicking and screaming because he had wanted to stay with his dad. And the party. Needless to say his dad didn't want him there

Dewdust · Today 12:50

You could become the other woman's new best friend but he will blame you when it all falls apart.
You would be able to say to her : " I told you hes a cheating, lying bastard! "
But as it stands you have really moved on with your life.
So congratulate yourself on being a survivor and wait for Karma to send you more happiness, success, love and laughter.
I expect he feels total overpowered by your resilience and this is his way of trying to put himself back on the map as it were.

Iwillcomeouttheotherend · Today 12:55

Sometimeswinning · Today 07:48

Sometimes it’s worth being a little crazy just to make yourself feel better. I’m not sure why being the bigger person matters all the time,
you’ve come so far and if something like this hurts you let people know. Not the girls though!

Id get loads of abuse on here if I said what I would do after receiving this news. It’s too early in the week for that though.

No it’s not too early in the week 😂
Go on SOMETIMESWINNING give us a laugh.
What exactly would you do?
😂❤️

cloudtreecarpet · Today 12:56

Pinkchickenwine · Today 12:15

No, I never said any of that!

I’m suggesting OP being upset by the delivery of the massive life changing event is acceptable! She’s allowed to show she’s upset, it’s down to the ex to manage the relationship and not OP.

I don’t think OP had done anything wrong. No where has standard she wants the children to hate their father, in fact in the OP it states that she smiles when they tell her their stories, but this time she couldn’t, she’s human and it’s the exes fault it’s happened.

I understand you’ve been through it, but I’m not sure why you’re acting like OP is teaching them to hate their father, she’s asking their father to be more mindful that such news should not be delivered by very young children.

Why are you getting cross with me?
I have been totally supportive of the OP on this thread and was one of the first to tell her it's ok to cry in front of her children and to still feel upset at this news.

And I agree with you that her ex hasn't been great.
I am not "acting like the OP is making the kids hate their father" at all!
I am commiserating with her because she understands that she has to facilitate her children's relationship with their dad going forward.
I think you have totally misread and misunderstood me.

ThatCyanCat · Today 12:56

Brightlittlecanary · Today 12:43

Jesus, it’s shocking how many posters want you to weaponise your own children, cause them disappointment to settle a goal, it is not the ops decision if they are flower girls. She doesn’t get to give permission, he can do what he pleases on his time. They are divorced.

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Nobody ever thinks they're weaponising their children but so often they do.

Shadesofscarlett · Today 13:00

he is no prize, bet he is cheating on her already. You are allowed to be upset and you will be okay. This too shall pass.

Mapletree1985 · Today 13:03

Mensuckbigtime · Today 07:11

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

I feel immense sympathy for you, because the same thing happened to me. Our kids weren't present at his second wedding, but he did marry the affair partner before he'd got divorced from me. (!) (Was I tempted to use that again him? Of course!! Did I? No, because it would have hurt my kids).

So what I told myself at the time and still tell myself today is that many people get stuck in lives they didn't want or ask for. It happens to most of us, if we're being honest. Health, finances, relationships - so much happens over which we have no control.

We love our kids more than anything. The principle I always kept in my mind was that children benefit from loving, respectful relationships with both parents. I tried hard to foster my kids' bonds with a man I myself had no respect for. I think it only partially worked, because my ex could not conceal from them the kind of person he is. They can see it for themselves. The suffering we endure in the short term by making sure we always put our kids first is - at least in my experience - repaid in the long term. I have a very good relationship with both my kids, who appreciate that I never tried to make them choose.

ThatCyanCat · Today 13:05

he did marry the affair partner before he'd got divorced from me. (!)

You mean, bigamy? So that marriage couldn't have been legal.

Fleetingmoment · Today 13:11

Newhouse20938 · Today 08:26

This is very cringe and you shouldn't have done this. Why would he care about what you think ? He doesn't care about you. It makes you look desperate to be so bothered after 4 years.

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Are you the other woman? Lol

smooththecat · Today 13:11

Bit of a tangent but I would have loved it if my mum had ever shown a tiny bit of emotion. Instead she’s a fucking robot and has left me with a huge emotional burden.

OP, I get it. I have never ‘got over’ my breakup even though I don’t want him back and think he’s a shallow POS. It’s how it happened that has caused the deep scars, rather than the fact we aren’t together. He isn’t the person I thought he was and the life we had isn’t the life I thought I had. I’ve struggled to trust anyone or my own judgement since.

viques · Today 13:15

Mensuckbigtime · Today 07:23

I’ve done a million things- I’ve opened my own business, have dated, have had loads of sex and I am generally very proud of what I’ve achieved and how far I’ve come

but situations like these just hurt.i know that I will get over this too and I wish I could just let it slide, but it hurts.

we were together for 18 years

Think of it as her getting what she deserves, sloppy seconds with a known cheat. Your girls will enjoy dressing up and running around on a sugar rush being made a fuss of at the wedding.

Just make sure you are not roped into getting them dressed/ delivered to the venue/ collected when no longer needed for photos. He will have to arrange sleeping over / dress purchase and fitting/ supervision before during and after the wedding etc.

Lifeomars · Today 13:21

My heart goes out to you OP, I've been there and it is like a slap round the face but time will go by and you will continue to live your life on your terms and one day this will be just another memory of your ex's thoughtless behaviour. What mine did (if you are in the mood for a tale of another daft man doing daft things) was pick up our child for his usual half a day outing on a Saturday, seemed a bit shifty and odd but i didn't give it much thought. Then when he dropped our child home again he announced that he and OW had got married and our child had been in attendance and at the reception. He said that he had not told me as they had thought that I would "try to disrupt the wedding" 😂 Who do these men think they are? Fast forward a few years and they split up...

Lifeomars · Today 13:25

smooththecat · Today 13:11

Bit of a tangent but I would have loved it if my mum had ever shown a tiny bit of emotion. Instead she’s a fucking robot and has left me with a huge emotional burden.

OP, I get it. I have never ‘got over’ my breakup even though I don’t want him back and think he’s a shallow POS. It’s how it happened that has caused the deep scars, rather than the fact we aren’t together. He isn’t the person I thought he was and the life we had isn’t the life I thought I had. I’ve struggled to trust anyone or my own judgement since.

Thank you for your comment, you have expressed so much of what i feel about the breakup of my marriage. As you say it was the manner of it, I was horribly betrayed at a very vulnerable time in my life and have never really been able to trust anyone fully again.

LasagneGoblin · Today 13:26

I'd normally be firmly on the side of don't make it all about your feelings, but if your dick of an ex hadn't cheated on you and then asked your DDs to keep the wedding secret (both pure twat behaviour) then you wouldn't be in a situation where you were blindsided and cried.

He is an absolute arse, you sound like you know you're infinitely better off without him but it doesn't stop what's happening hurting and I really feel for you.

Sensiblesal · Today 13:26

ChiefCookandBottlewasher7 · Today 11:24

I am sorry. I would not allow my dds to take part in this farce as flowers girls. I would talk to them and say 'daddy left us to be with this new lady'. I am sorry, we can't celebrate his leaving us with flowers. You can go and see daddy on days when it is his turn to have you, you can have a relationship with your father, but we shall not be celebrating his leaving us. We are going to go on a holiday instead to a really exciting place and I shall talk to your school and explain to them why we need to go away, just the three of us.

After that you can talk to your ex and say exactly the same - he will have them 50/50, it will be civilised, but as you are brining up girls, it is essential they are not taught, from an early age, to celebrate the destruction of the family, they are not told to suck it up and not only suck it up, but to put a happy face on it. We shall be going on a holiday.

But be civilised. Explain to all parties concerned, especially about the girls knowing when to be polite but refusing to endorse treachery.

This is revolting & emotional abuse on your children.

actually abhorrent. Kids are not pawns or to be used just because someone else hurt you.

The kids were clearly excited about being flower girls, they have clearly adjusted to the new status quo which is mum & dad apart and dad with someone else.

disgusting

Supersimkin7 · Today 13:29

That’s brilliant @Lifeomars .

😂😂😂

OwlCalledSage · Today 13:30

ChiefCookandBottlewasher7 · Today 11:24

I am sorry. I would not allow my dds to take part in this farce as flowers girls. I would talk to them and say 'daddy left us to be with this new lady'. I am sorry, we can't celebrate his leaving us with flowers. You can go and see daddy on days when it is his turn to have you, you can have a relationship with your father, but we shall not be celebrating his leaving us. We are going to go on a holiday instead to a really exciting place and I shall talk to your school and explain to them why we need to go away, just the three of us.

After that you can talk to your ex and say exactly the same - he will have them 50/50, it will be civilised, but as you are brining up girls, it is essential they are not taught, from an early age, to celebrate the destruction of the family, they are not told to suck it up and not only suck it up, but to put a happy face on it. We shall be going on a holiday.

But be civilised. Explain to all parties concerned, especially about the girls knowing when to be polite but refusing to endorse treachery.

With advice like this, you should consider writing a parenting book. You could call it ‘How to completely fuck up your innocent children’.

Lexibletheflexible · Today 13:30

BeUniqueDreamer · Today 10:08

Uhm what 🤣
It’s not ‘just’ immoral women in prison (most are victims of domestic violence at hands of a man) who would decide to tell their child the truth.
Not because of a personality disorder, or because they’d be hurt by their child having a relationship with someone who hurt them. But because they believe it would potentially be more damaging to find out later, and also don’t believe it’s their job to cover for a man’s wrong-doing. Which is interesting, because a lot of the women in prison would have done this on multiple occasions, considering again most are victims of domestic violence which wouldn’t happen if they saw red flag and left.

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You may explain in an age appropriate way that you are no longer together. You don't tell a 4 year old the ins and outs of your adult relationship. That is more akin to someone who if not just severely toxic, is mentally unstable. I'm sorry that you've normalised this behaviour.

Lexibletheflexible · Today 13:32

ThatCyanCat · Today 12:56

Nobody ever thinks they're weaponising their children but so often they do.

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Yes everyone who said to make sure he had them for days before and after his wedding for one.

mummabubs · Today 13:32

I'm so sorry OP, it's a horrible situation for you to be in. I can't really offer any wisdom other than taking one day at a time and building your own happiness. Reading your thread definitely brought things up for me as we found out two years ago that my SiL had an affair with her boss - my BiL and boss' wife obviously had no idea. SiL and boss now live in what is described as "boss' wife's dream home" that they'd only moved into a few months before the affair was uncovered. SiL and boss are talking about marriage and I've made it clear to DH that even if we're invited I'm not going as I refuse to endorse their frankly disgusting behaviour. People can be so selfish.

Sunnysideup999 · Today 13:35

veganfortheanimals21 · Today 12:38

Some terrible responses on here. Women need to stop just smiling and bearing it and accepting men's awful behaviour. Do not pretend this is ok. Your children shouldn't grow up thinking this is ok. So if you are visibly upset so be it. You don't want them believing what their father is doing is normal otherwise they risk growing up to be women who accept similar behaviour. It is your ex that has caused this and therefore his fault if anyone is upset. I wouldn't allow the children to participate. Absolute nonsense women have to just go along with it to keep children happy or keep the peace. Allowing such behaviour is why men continue to expect women to go along with their disgusting behaviour. If the girls are upset, that is in your ex. Short term pain for long-term learnings and healthy behaviours. As for it still hurting that he had an affair and you aren't together, that us a different thing. A man who cheats is not a man at all. A man who cheats and has children is a terrible father. Separate the man from your worth. He is nothing to do with whom you are and your worth. It is he who is worthless and lord help the woman he ys marrying because her worth is evidently dependent on a man otherwise she wouldn't associate with a chest. urgh. Women. Why do we think so little if ourselves?

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This is an outstanding response!
agree with all of it

StressedLP1 · Today 13:36

A milestone type of event like a wedding or a new baby etc is bound to make you feel winded OP. It sounds like you’re handling it really well - it is not healthy to try to bottle up emotions and you have done the right thing to explain to the children and reassure them it’s not their fault, they don’t have to feel guilty at enjoying time with dad, and that your emotions will pass and everything will be ok. Sending you lots of solace and strength. This too shall pass ❤️

hourspassed · Today 13:52

@Brightlittlecanary

I don't know where you got the OP "burst out crying uncontrollably" from. She said she "started crying" when her DCs told her about their Dad getting married - why are you making things up? Not sure why people fill in their own gaps in posts like this.

The OP has made it clear that she will support her girls and won't bad mouth their father to them - she's even met the OW for coffee on two occasions. OP is being the bigger person in all of this but that doesn't mean she doesn't bloody feel anything. She just wanted a handhold and thankfully, from lots of lovely MNetters, that's what she has got.

oatsotoga · Today 13:56

Sounds like you are handling it all really well. I dont think you did anything wrong being upset in front of the kids, it does them good to see that you can display emotions and can also talk about being sad.

My marriage broke down because my husband cheated, he behaved appallingly and at times I had no warning something was coming (found out OW was pregnant via email with my then 9 year old daughter sat next to me) so my kids definitely saw me cry. We talked about emotions and they are both now well adjusted teens.

I'd you do need to have a rant before the day, or on the day, you know where we all are!