Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

Yes he deserves a relationship, but it’s not going well, is it?

1. he had an affair with all that entails, lies, dishonesty etc
2. he left his wife and very young children (one would appear to be around the age of one, so when did the affair start?)
3. he asked the children to keep secrets
4. He said he would tell OP later, so knew he should tell her but decided to tell his young DDs first, making them the scapegoat for OPs reaction.

He really isn’t doing well with his parenting, is he?

Ignore all the troll nonsense about your reaction to the wedding. Their father could have prevented that. Instead he asked children to keep secrets 🤦‍♀️
Anyone with any empathy would understand those were unbidden tears, that just spring up because something hurts, is a shock.
Personally I think showing children the harm of betrayal isn't a problem at all. I've heard several young men reject that way of being because they saw the damage in their childhoods.
Congratulations OP 💐 you got through something awful....make plans for a spa day.

Ok ive just read the comments and WOW. Such a lack of empathy from many. 18 years ? Guessing pretty much your whole adult life and youre expected not to cry with shock when told. Yes, you dont sound healed and thats totally ok, you probably (definitely) have PTSD quite clearly from the betrayal of your partner of a lifetime doing this. I think only very good therapy, a new partner who loves you and you love and many more memories with that person aswell as time passing will help you heal. It will always be there but you wont FEEL it in time to come like you are now. You also may be naturally a more sensitive and deeply emotional person, im the same and it took me years to get over a betrayal but I did get over it and im with an amazing person now and I no longer 'feel' the past anymore. You'll get there xx

So what are you suggesting - that he should have no more contact with them?
That the OP should tell these young children everything and encourage them to hate their dad?
Is that the answer? No better way to mess two young kids up I would say.

He's not been great, no. But he is their dad and they will love him and want to see him especially when he offers for them to be flower girls at his wedding.

Obviously he's not great because he had an affair and left his wife and kids bit that's not the kids' fault and unless he really treats them badly then the OP needs to support their relationship with him for the children's sake.
It's a bloody head f**k that you have to come to terms with, I know, I had to do it too.
But you have to make your peace with it so your children don't end up feeling even more confused and guilty for loving their dad.

And after 18 years you found out he was a cheat. The OW is marrying him knowing he’s a cheat - actually both of them are. Whether or not she was married herself is irrelevant IMO. She knew he was married with kids and she happily engaged in a relationship with him which she knew would potentially break that up.

So when you think about it the vows they’ll be taking mean nothing in respect of either of them because they’ve both demonstrated they’re happy to break them when it suits. It takes more than a white dress and a piece of paper to make a marriage and leopards don’t change their spots.

You’ve done brilliantly for yourself since your split. Don’t let this news undo all of that.

No, I never said any of that!

I’m suggesting OP being upset by the delivery of the massive life changing event is acceptable! She’s allowed to show she’s upset, it’s down to the ex to manage the relationship and not OP.

I don’t think OP had done anything wrong. No where has standard she wants the children to hate their father, in fact in the OP it states that she smiles when they tell her their stories, but this time she couldn’t, she’s human and it’s the exes fault it’s happened.

I understand you’ve been through it, but I’m not sure why you’re acting like OP is teaching them to hate their father, she’s asking their father to be more mindful that such news should not be delivered by very young children.

If it makes you feel any better OP my ex finally got around to marrying the OW recently after a couple of decades and it still triggered a lot of buried pain for me. Brought back a lot of bad stuff that I thought I had managed to bury.

You can be over the man but not over the pain and cruelty you suffered, some on here seem to have difficulty understanding that.

Dont let anyone make you feel bad for crying. I think its Ok for your kids to know that your hurt. And in time they will come to understand that his actions caused you pain. Right now you are doing everything right. Your a better woman than me having coffee with OW, id have thrown it at her.

Chin up, time will heal you and you will look back at this as another step to the best version of you.

You are entitled to your feelings! You are entitled to react to a shock.
It sounds like you are setting a great example for your kids with your business and other things.
I think you are getting a rough time for a one off being upset in front of your kids.

However this reminds me of a thread a while ago where the ex was getting married and wanted the children in the ceremony, then expected the OP to dress them, deliver them to the wedding and wait around then take them home!
Make sure that does not happen with you!!

Hopefully it won't be possible because OP will be off on a sunshine break somewhere drinking cocktails, or doing whatever it is she enjoys.

Jesus Christ those comments about you damaging your kids as you cried in front of them????? Some people have such high standard I wonder how they perform in real life tough situations?? OP ignore them you are doing well. I have no experience of this but I do know time heals everything no matter how big it looked at the time. When I look back at things I thought I would never ever get over 20 years ago I just want to laugh at the younger version of me WTF was I thinking?? So much to look forward to in life without this asshole just keep doing great!!! Sending you love and support!

My heart breaks for you & I should take the advice I am about to give.

You are stood at a cross roads right now, you can carry on, on this existing path & let the hurt & bitterness drag you down this path where everything reminds you of the life you imagined you were going to have.

or you choose the other path. One where you forgive him, don’t forget what he has done but forgive him, she is no longer the other woman, she is the woman who saved you from what sounds like an awful man & freed you.

what it is hardest is choosing new goals & picking out how you want your life to look in the future and work towards it.

saw someone suggest a solo holiday at the time of the wedding - 100% recommend. When they have the kids, force yourself out, go do the things you want to do & have fun & a life not sat thinking of that man.

cos you have a choice & your choice needs to take away that hurt not just for you but your girls.

consider things to help such as parenting apps to limit/control contact, therapy or self help books. Fall in love again but not with a man with yourself & life

Exactly what I was going to say, @Icecreamisthebest!

@Mensuckbigtime - you were completely blindsided by the news, and it is very clear (to me, if not to everyone) that that’s why you cried. Your ex is a thoughtless twat.

I agree with the posters who have suggested that you book yourself something special for the day of the wedding, to keep your mind off it.

OP, I haven’t read all the replies but from your posts it sounds as if you’ve been getting a very hard time from people regarding your response to the girls telling you about the wedding and being flower girls before your ex had the decency to tell you, and then hearing they were told not to tell you.

You have had a long chat with them especially about not keeping secrets which, if it comes up again with them, you could frame your response of being upset. Along the lines of it was a shock because ‘your daddy should have told me first and we could have discussed you being flower girls’.

The wound may never heal, but try not to let it fester. The girls will see him for what he is, in the end, especially if you can be positive for them. I agree with the suggestion of taking some time away for yourself over the wedding period if you can. I’m sure if he is so keen for them to be flower girls he will want them involved in the pre- and post-wedding excitement, won’t he ? And if he doesn’t it will show everyone he only wants to have them there as tokens/props to show what a good dad he is.

Best wishes.

In response to @cloudtreecarpet

You have had a long chat with them especially about not keeping secrets which, if it comes up again with them, you could frame your response of being upset. Along the lines of it was a shock because ‘your daddy should have told me first and we could have discussed you being flower girls

dong do this, don’t put your children in the middle of it. Arguably he doesn’t need to tell you, and arguably he doesn’t need to discuss them being flower girls, he’s an equal parent and able to make decisions. Morally yes he should have, but that’s a conversation for you and him. Not to burden your children with.

However this reminds me of a thread a while ago where the ex was getting married and wanted the children in the ceremony, then expected the OP to dress them, deliver them to the wedding and wait around then take them home!
Make sure that does not happen with you!!

Yep, have to say that was my first thought.
Definitely ensure this is not you OP. You’re allowed to protect yourself and your feelings. Maybe go away for a couple of days. He can have the DDs from the day before the wedding, get them ready etc, bring them back the day after.

This is very hard but it’s been 4 years , you need to get over it . Get counseling maybe but you are hurting yourself non stop at this stage .
Have you considered going out and trying to meet someone yourself , doesn’t have to be a long term relationship but you give you confidence and boost yourself ?

Some terrible responses on here. Women need to stop just smiling and bearing it and accepting men's awful behaviour. Do not pretend this is ok. Your children shouldn't grow up thinking this is ok. So if you are visibly upset so be it. You don't want them believing what their father is doing is normal otherwise they risk growing up to be women who accept similar behaviour. It is your ex that has caused this and therefore his fault if anyone is upset. I wouldn't allow the children to participate. Absolute nonsense women have to just go along with it to keep children happy or keep the peace. Allowing such behaviour is why men continue to expect women to go along with their disgusting behaviour. If the girls are upset, that is in your ex. Short term pain for long-term learnings and healthy behaviours. As for it still hurting that he had an affair and you aren't together, that us a different thing. A man who cheats is not a man at all. A man who cheats and has children is a terrible father. Separate the man from your worth. He is nothing to do with whom you are and your worth. It is he who is worthless and lord help the woman he ys marrying because her worth is evidently dependent on a man otherwise she wouldn't associate with a chest. urgh. Women. Why do we think so little if ourselves?

Well, the ow is marrying a cheater.
He might well do to her what he did to you.

Bet she'll be pregnant within 12 months.
He'll have to start again with a second family and he'll be up to his tonsils in nappies.

You don't have to forgive someone to move on, heal, and be happy. But I agree - looking towards the future instead of ruminating on the past is crucial.

I just wanted to send a hug OP, my sister went through this & it was so painful for her & difficult for her to not show her pain in front of the children. Fast forward a few year's & her ex ended up cheating on his wife TWICE and they are now divorced & my sister is friendly with the ex wife (who had an affair with her partner). It's funny how life turns out! I wish you all the best x

Jesus, it’s shocking how many posters want you to weaponise your own children, cause them disappointment to settle a goal, it is not the ops decision if they are flower girls. She doesn’t get to give permission, he can do what he pleases on his time. They are divorced.

Lots of posts telling you not to cry in front of your children. It’s healthy for children to see adults have feelings! You’re not a robot. It is his fault you were caught off guard not yours or your little girls. Pathetic little weasel of a man. You can get through it! Look how much you’ve already achieved ❤️.

Yes agree with this, it’s not fair on them AND leaves them open to another “trusted adult telling them to keep secrets and grooming them.

Bet he would scoff and poo poo this if you suggested it though. This type always “know better”.