Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

Too flipping right - watch you! Don't dismiss your enterprise in supporting your children - lots of people don't have the resources to do that. It is ok to feel upset; there is no shame in that. But if you can, put that on one side and see how amazing we all think you are.

Being flower girls is the least of it, though. He's marrying her so there's going to be that connection for as long as they're together. Stopping them from wearing pretty dresses and throwing rose petals at the ceremony isn't going to prevent anything further in terms of "fallout". It is more likely to confuse them and make them feel the conflict. Honestly I'd let them get on with it if only because at that age, they're more likely to largely forget the wedding unless some sort of conflict happens to make it more memorable. My flower girls were about that age and they barely remember it now, but they probably would if there had been an issue.

ETA: If they don't actually want to do it, that's another matter. If they do, I'd take the path of least resistance on this one. It's symbolic; it's not the actual issue.

I wanted to echo @UninitendedShark….my own dear
mum deceased since 2015..believed and witnessed the “marrying of the mistress” to justify all the pain and confusion they caused by imploding other peoples lives.

Im a little surprised by how many MN know happily remarried couples who started as an affair. I can’t think of any right now…
what I have seen is many secondary divorces, affairs within the second marriage, dc whose futures were derailed by the implosion of their nuclear family, an early death of the exH, a murder of the exH by the spouse of his affair partner.
my own exH didn’t marry his affair partner but someone else pretty quickly then cheated repeatedly on her divorced and spent a lot of money on a second contentious. Remarried again and still cheating on her.

And it is often a difficult road for the second/ third wife. Nothing to be envious of

He asked the kids to lie and let them tell her. If he didn’t care he would not have done this. If I was the mistress I’d be questioning his motives. But then she’s a mistress so maybe she wouldn’t think twice.

Her dignity? This is used to shut people down. He’s not suffered for losing his dignity. Op will be fine. Sometimes it’s good to just say you’re a fucking cunt and I hope you both [insert wish here] Try it! I’ve not had the chance to do it yet but when the time comes I will use it. Plus other things but it would help me with my emotions. That’s important. Self care.

OP I haven't been in your exact situation. But i just wanted to say that just because you're finding things hard now doesn't mean you will always feel this way. It's only been 4 years. It took me much longer to get over a long term relationship that ended badly. I'd say after 5 years I felt 'ok' but still very sad and thought that's the best I would ever feel about it - as if I hadn't got over it by then I never would. But gradually over time I felt better. By 10 years it was becoming a distant memory and now, 20 years on, I can think of it all without feeling any sadness at all. If you'd told me back then that I would reach a point where I was not hurt by any of it anymore I would never have believed you.

Edited to say, I'm not meaning it will take you decades to feel better - rather that it's a process, and it's not always linear, but things will keep improving. Be kind to yourself.

This!!!

Op believe me. they pursued eachother while knowing about you. You can’t be sad about what you lost because that’s what you lost. Not the lover of your soul, not your sunshine, but a man who was happy for you to think he was yours and honest. He was neither of those. I’m single at the moment. I don’t know if I’ll ever even date again but I know, and I want the same for you, I know that I am in charge, not my memories, not the grief, me. I’m not looking for anything like I’ve had before because even though I was BROKEN by my ability to love, I’ve also learnt. I’ve watched myself elevate a low effort man into some bloody Mr Darcy/tony sparks hybrid. We don’t do that anymore. We accept that people are only what they do, not what our wonderful hearts make them out to be.

love and light

The marriage is a reality, true. And they will have to accept that of course.

But that reality does not need to include the children performing in a celebration of their lurve for the cameras!

The children absolutely do not need to be part of a ceremony in which two people who caused the wreckage of their own family celebrate their new one and attempt to white wash that reality by having the children play happy families so that they can feel good about the authenticity of their lovey feelings and their big day.

The flower girls don't need to stand beside the woman who played a part in fracturing their family (and likely caused ongoing financial difficulties) and benefitted from their daddy leaving them and then attend upon her, kiss her cheek, walk before her in the chapel and throw rose petals. Why do people even think that is appropriate? I mean did the OW actually really care about them up till now? When she was sleeping with a married man with kids. Were they important then? No?

Then their presence is not important now.

No.

That is forcing the children to be tools in other people's narcissistic endeavours.

After the wedding they can see daddy, bring DADDY a gift (maybe)...and proceed forward.

But being flower girls is taking the piss.

Speaking of realities, not getting everything you want after you cheat is another one.

Keep being fabulous, OP!

Feeling emotion isn’t weakness.

Your ex isn’t heading for a fairytale future, as lots of pps have pointed out.

You, on the other hand, sound lovely and also brave.

"Doesn't have to tell her anything"

Children should NEVER EVER be used as messengers or asked to keep secrets from the other parent its bloody damaging and emotional abuse

I am sorry. I would not allow my dds to take part in this farce as flowers girls. I would talk to them and say 'daddy left us to be with this new lady'. I am sorry, we can't celebrate his leaving us with flowers. You can go and see daddy on days when it is his turn to have you, you can have a relationship with your father, but we shall not be celebrating his leaving us. We are going to go on a holiday instead to a really exciting place and I shall talk to your school and explain to them why we need to go away, just the three of us.

After that you can talk to your ex and say exactly the same - he will have them 50/50, it will be civilised, but as you are brining up girls, it is essential they are not taught, from an early age, to celebrate the destruction of the family, they are not told to suck it up and not only suck it up, but to put a happy face on it. We shall be going on a holiday.

But be civilised. Explain to all parties concerned, especially about the girls knowing when to be polite but refusing to endorse treachery.

What a thoroughly revolting human he is. You are worth more than that OP. Hold your head up high and make a great life for yourself and your children and treat him and the OW with the contempt they deserve. Don’t give them any power to upset you any more

Not sure what you mean about touching a nerve, but if marrying the mistress creates a vacancy, he’d have a mistress now. That’s what I meant. And Charles doesn’t because he’s clearly very happily married now. Happily married people do not have affairs.

I just despair that some women can’t accept infidelity happens and it doesn’t result in life-long misery or repeat behaviour. As I said upthread, the couples we know on 2nd marriages after affairs are incredibly happy. Much happier than in their first.

We are all just human, and it's a funny thing about heartbreaks and long term relationships breaking up. We don't necessarily want the other person back, because even if they realised the error of their ways, because who would want to stay with someone who hurt you so badly? You end up grieving for the person you thought you had before the betrayal, knowing that you can never go back to that position.

And then there's the additional thing. The injustice. Having someone cheat on you and break your heart feels like an assault. For that person to leave, move on and seemingly happily marry the OW feels like a massive injustice, even if it's something that is common and "just happens". It's like that Olivia Rodrigo lyric where she says she wants her ex to be happy, just not "happier".

I had a long term relationship in my twenties, where my boyfriend broke up with me and practically immediately started going out with a girl who was five years younger. His friends all thought he had cheated on me. I was crushed that he had moved on so quickly and to another long term relationship, though I know he was the kind of person that couldn't bear to be single. It took me two years to crawl out of the hole and remember, I was in my twenties and had no kids with him, so it was easier to bounce back. I met my now husband four years later. In the meantime, he married the new girl and had three kids with her. I met her at the wedding of a mutual friend about ten year later and she was an absolute weapon. I found out three years ago that they had separated. Even twenty years on, I felt a certain schadenfreude, that finally justice had been done.

Honestly I think most men who cheat and then marry the OW do so in part to repair their reputation in front of their family and friends. "Look, I cheated but it was with the love of my life and I'm marrying her to prove it, how can you judge me for that?". I think that's what happened with my ex.

I only say all this to say that just because he's getting married, that doesn't mean it's for the right reasons or that he's in any way happier than you are. Do what you can to avoid talk of the wedding day and get yourself a lovely weekend away when the time comes.

I think the fact that they have a lying cheat for a Dad would be more likely to "damage" them by telling them to keep a "secret" than the OP.

I love how it’s all about how HE feels
I don’t care if he feels satisfaction and thinks I’m a daft cow

its how I feel that matters to me and I don’t have any issues in telling a man that I spent half my life with that his actions have had a tremendous impact on me

as for bursting out in tears. I cried. Crying doesn’t equate bursting into tears

No, it isn't, of course it isn't and if he continues to be an arse like that and manipulate his children then when they are old enough OP would be well within her rights to tell them the truth about the ending of the marriage.
But at the age they are now it isn't appropriate because they won't understand it and all he will have to do is buy them some nice toys or take them to Disneyland and they will forgive him & hate mummy. They are just too young.

The OP will need to keep a close eye on how he and the OW parent the children but supporting his relationship with them is the right way to go at first because they deserve a relationship with him.

I am not sure the children see it that way at all, though. They're 5 and 8. This is all about what you see on it.

Assuming they want to do it, making an issue out of it makes it harder and honestly more memorable, for the wrong reasons. Let them do it and they'll enjoy the moment and hardly remember it in years to come. Make an issue and forbid it and they'll remember they weren't allowed to wear the dress and scatter the petals, and it all becomes so much more of an issue...

...and it doesn't actually change a thing, because everything you say about "playing happy families" will be far more true in the everyday life they'll have once their father has remarried and they're living with his new wife part of the time. They can do school runs and meals and days out together but they can't wear a pretty dress and throw petals on one day?

I think it's easy to fixate on the flower girl thing because it's conspicuous and something you could potentially prevent, so it feels like a bit of control in a horrible situation. But ultimately it doesn't actually change anything or bring any benefit; it just creates added complication and conflict for the kids.

Camilla wasn’t King Charles only mistress and to add to that he is famously declared he wouldn’t be the only prince of wales not to have a mustress

I agree.
If they want to be flower girls and dress up in pretty dresses at the wedding then stopping this will just make the OP the person they are angry with & hate.

They are very young and can't be expected to have adult responses to situations like this - if they are happy & want to be involved then I think the OP has no option but to let them.

@Mensuckbigtime its very clear that you would rather have not cried in front of the DC and if your ex had not chosen to tell the DC without warning you first that you would have worked hard to ensure you didn’t. So I don’t understand why people are giving you grief about it. He could have avoided this but instead chose to tell his kids to lie to you.

You are a lovely mum and I have no doubt that you will continue to put your children first and support them. Do take the advice to do something nice on the wedding day and also really focus on self care in the lead up and immediate aftermath. You and the kids will be ok. Sending a big hug.

Ignore them OP. You are human and our emotions happen and you cried once infront of your girls, they won’t he scared for life like posters are saying!

you sound like a brilliant mum and doing amazing 🩷

And your EXh should never ask them to keep secrets I’m glad you addressed that.
i liked the idea one poster had about them having the girls a few days before and after the wedding so you don’t have to have it all in your face. But it might be their first time being flower girls as well and will want to share that with you 🩷

I have no advice but I just want to give you a big hug! So sorry youre going through it. Not read all the comments but are you with someone else ? If you meet someone else it probably will help and one day it wont hurt as much.

I think it’s completely ok to cry in front of your children he hurt you and sometimes that happens again. Asking young children to lie was part of that. Be grateful op that you don’t have to be with him. It’s likely he may cheat again. Plan something good for that day distract yourself.