Daughter admitted she’s sick of my partner

[yellowbutter]

Name changed so not outing.

Ive been with my partner for 6 years. My kids got on great with him for years, but I’ve noticed that y eldest daughter (14) has recently been really short with him, avoiding interacting and giving him funny looks.

To be honest our relationship is not great anymore, many many issues and resentments and I’ve definitely taken a step back from him as we have been going round in circles over the same issues for so long now, I feel he doesn’t listen, his moods are very up and down and he seems to go back and forth with engaging with us and then not. I feel that he’s not consistent, he used to be actively involved with the kids but as time has went on he comes home from work and spends the rest of his night on his computer. I’m left to do all the bulk work that comes with pre-teens, taxi-ing, school, dinners etc as well as working two jobs. There are many many other issues but too long to explain.

I have sat back and watched this for a while now so I approached her gently a few days ago and asked her how she felt about him, explained I thought I’d noticed she seemed a bit annoyed by him and assured her I would not repeat anything she said to me. She tried to deflect it back to me and ask me how I felt about him but I said that I wanted to know how she felt (I don’t think it’s appropriate as a parent to tell her how I’m feeling at the minute but I also want to be honest with her so it’s hard). She said she’s pretty much sick of him and he makes her cringe 😬 but then said that she feels like that about people sometimes and she’ll probably be ok with him in a few months. I thanked her for being honest and assured her I wouldn’t repeat anything she said and her happiness is my first priority.

I have been hesitant to end the relationship because I’ve been worried about the impact on the kids and my younger child still enjoys his company (when he engages) but now I feel that as one of my children isn’t fond of him anymore this is the nail in the coffin. But then I’m still worried that my younger child will be impacted by a breakup.

Im aware that 14 is a rough age and there’s hormones flying everywhere and she has over the past 6 months really grown up/hit the teenage years with a bang, so I don’t know if how she’s feeling is just a phase, but maybe not. I also wouldn’t want her to feel any guilt if I did end the relationship as ultimately it is my decision, but they and their happiness will always come first and they shouldn’t have to live with someone they no longer like or tolerate.

Has anyone experienced similar? Please be gentle, this is a very hard time right now. Thank you

it’s not nice as an adult to be around moody, unpredictable partners or people. Even worse for kids - your kids will be fine. By doing what’s best for you, you do what’s best for them. Get the joy drain gone.

By new partner I mean a partner that comes after the relationship with the child’s parent, not necessarily someone who has only been around a short while.

I didn’t say the new partner shouldn’t show basic concern. Of course they should; they should be warm, trustworthy and engage with the kids. They should support the child’s actual parent by doing a fair share of the household work - possibly even more at times to enable their partner to take care of their parenting obligations (like looking after sick kids or driving kids around). They should be a good role model for healthy relationships, showing care and consideration and affection to their partner.

But should they be taking on parenting tasks? No. They have no legal obligations or standing as a “parent”. They are a new partner, not a new co-parent, “Co-parent” refers to the actual parents, not new partners. Confusion around this is the basis of a huge amount of post-separation conflict.

If you are still reading, I think you have a very perceptive and intelligent young daughter.

She sees him for who he is.
She's wise enough to turn the question back on you and appears to have tempered her respinse accordingly.
She clearly can't stand the man but has also said it might be temporary (it isn't) just in case you aren't on the same page as her.

A very clever young lady who is concerened about her mum's feelings too. Wiser than her age.

You can be a supportive adult and positive presence in a home without trying to parent children who aren’t your kids and who may well resent you attempting to act as though they are.

If they already have an involved mum and dad, chances are they are not interested in having “bonus parents” (as the twee phrase goes) as well.

@yellowbutter just dump him. You want to and that's all that matters. Never stay with anyone 'for the sake of the kids' it is wrong and negatively affects them.

Dump him. You don't seem happy. Your daughter doesn't and may just be trying to please you by playing down how she might be alright with your DP in a few months.

He sounds like a moody git which creates an unstable environment for all of your children. Time to get a grip and be then parent you should and stop hanging on to a loser.

If it's not working and affecting home life, get rid of him. Longer term your kids will thank your for it than hanging on to a mardy arse for a partner.

Put your kids needs first for goodness sakes!

As someone who was sexually assaulted by my mother's boyfriend - there is something going on, she just doesn't know how /is scared to tell you. You don't need to be alone at home for this to happen.

Okay, so we disagree on what's acceptable when choosing to move in to a child's home and life. It isn't just the partner you're taking on. But that's the issue with broken families, I suppose. Everyone has their own ideas of how to do things. That's what actually leads to the problems. People not communicating effectively about their expectations.

Broken families is a really shitty and outdated phrase for families in which the children’s parents are no longer together.

It’s a shame laden phrase and one that I think keeps unhappy, unhealthy relationships going as people don’t want to create a ‘broken family’ when actually living with parents who don’t have a healthy and happy relationship can be far more damaging than parents splitting up.

She’s seeing that this man isn’t making her mum happy anymore. It’s time to move on.

Your relationship is not working out, and your daughter can obviously see it.

I would talk it out with him, and move on.

I agree. Habit from describing my own family over decades. I'll swap broken to something else. Maybe, 'split' or 'separated'.

Spot on.

My daughter thinks I am cringe every day!!!

Saying 6 7 when her friends are round probably doesnt help!!

Its also the same the other way round when women leave a marriage and then expose their kids to the same!

She sees clearly that he has zero interest in you all and is living off her mother.
Is this really what you want to be modelling for her?

Get him out.
Stop being used.
Stop allowing him to use your home.
Your children will be fine.

Yes, although the risk of sexual assault is much lower the other way round, stepmums can be pretty mean in other ways.

ETA: When there are young children, it seems to be much more often that the man busts up the marriage than the mum.

Your daughter sounds incredibly mature - the way she tried to manage her emotions to say she felt that way sometimes and it’ll pass. She didn’t sound like she’s trying to cause any friction and I genuinely think she’s just picked up on him not being a good fit at the moment.
I think this decision needs to come from you. If your happy that’s important to your children’s happiness too.
if you decide not to continue the relationship they will be100% fine. And if you choose to continue it sounds like some changes need to be made.
deep down your gut feeling knows the answer to this. Maybe write a list of pros and cons. You’ll get to the right decision.

Was more meaning that a woman leaves the marriage and moves a bloke in.

Regardless, while a number of assaults are step dads, there are also many from blood relatives like brothers (of the parents, so uncles) or the parents uncles...