Daughter admitted she’s sick of my partner

[yellowbutter]

Name changed so not outing.

Ive been with my partner for 6 years. My kids got on great with him for years, but I’ve noticed that y eldest daughter (14) has recently been really short with him, avoiding interacting and giving him funny looks.

To be honest our relationship is not great anymore, many many issues and resentments and I’ve definitely taken a step back from him as we have been going round in circles over the same issues for so long now, I feel he doesn’t listen, his moods are very up and down and he seems to go back and forth with engaging with us and then not. I feel that he’s not consistent, he used to be actively involved with the kids but as time has went on he comes home from work and spends the rest of his night on his computer. I’m left to do all the bulk work that comes with pre-teens, taxi-ing, school, dinners etc as well as working two jobs. There are many many other issues but too long to explain.

I have sat back and watched this for a while now so I approached her gently a few days ago and asked her how she felt about him, explained I thought I’d noticed she seemed a bit annoyed by him and assured her I would not repeat anything she said to me. She tried to deflect it back to me and ask me how I felt about him but I said that I wanted to know how she felt (I don’t think it’s appropriate as a parent to tell her how I’m feeling at the minute but I also want to be honest with her so it’s hard). She said she’s pretty much sick of him and he makes her cringe 😬 but then said that she feels like that about people sometimes and she’ll probably be ok with him in a few months. I thanked her for being honest and assured her I wouldn’t repeat anything she said and her happiness is my first priority.

I have been hesitant to end the relationship because I’ve been worried about the impact on the kids and my younger child still enjoys his company (when he engages) but now I feel that as one of my children isn’t fond of him anymore this is the nail in the coffin. But then I’m still worried that my younger child will be impacted by a breakup.

Im aware that 14 is a rough age and there’s hormones flying everywhere and she has over the past 6 months really grown up/hit the teenage years with a bang, so I don’t know if how she’s feeling is just a phase, but maybe not. I also wouldn’t want her to feel any guilt if I did end the relationship as ultimately it is my decision, but they and their happiness will always come first and they shouldn’t have to live with someone they no longer like or tolerate.

Has anyone experienced similar? Please be gentle, this is a very hard time right now. Thank you

OP you cannot categorically say they are never alone! What about when you go to the loo, have a bath/shower, make dinner, answer the door, water plants .. the list is endless. Anything you do for even just 2 minutes means they are alone. There may not be sexual abuse, but there could be something making your dd feel uncomfortable. Get rid of him. You’re not that happy with him anyway.

Not in this case and not for 6 years.

Bravo x 10

It's mumsnet where you never have a partner move in if they're not your kids dad and if you have daughters and they hit puberty then your partner who isn't their dad becomes a predator.. This is standard for how mumsnet think.

Couldn't be down to her just not liking him or her hormones making her a picky teen or anything. No, it's because all men become predators around kids who aren't their own 🙄

Mumsnet is batshit but never unsurprising.
I get it OP. Similar boat here where I am 100% sure nothing is going on but we have a few conflicts in our house I'm debating what to do also.

eldest daughter (14) has recently been really short with him, avoiding interacting and giving him funny looks.

She's recently become uncomfortable with him and I would bet there's a reason for that.

As someone who was assaulted by Mom's fiance, my advice would be he leaves the home and you spend time with her. She's uncomfortable now with him in what should be her safe space. Her safety comes ahead of your younger one's feelings. It's not like he's doing stuff with the kids to maintain that bond if he just comes home and sits on his computer.

Women moving men into their homes should know this is possible.

Plural. Suggests any woman moving men into their homes should know this is possible.

If you’re talking about one poster, maybe make it more clear.

I agree with this. Its kind of an unusual thing to say?

Just get rid.

She’s a smart girl. If he’s pissing you off then he’s definitely pissing her off. Teenage girls are extremely perceptive.

Staying is worse for you kids than leaving.

No need to get snippy because you can't follow a conversation.

Raise your standards, you don't need to pamper to anyone.

I don't know how you feel, but be honest with yourself, if it's not working for you, then you know the answer. Get rid.

OP if you're still here - beware this man does may have a claim to your house even though you are not married, It has been in papers that partners who lives in other persons house for 3 years can claim share of it/half its value. So get rid asap if you are dithering as you won't want to lose you house.

You cannot move in to someone's house when they have children and not expect to coparent. That would be insane.

I think your 14 year old sounds sensible - how do you feel about him? Don't use a 14 year olds assessment to confirm something you're feeling. Maybe be honest with yourself about your relationship, and think through what is/is not working, and whether you can address it.

Really ? Women are told they don’t have to be a ‘nanny with a fanny’ all the time on here. Why is a man any different ?

Yes, I don't think OP should dismiss this so offhand - step parents are by far the biggest risks to young girls

Why does he make your DD cringe?

I would definitely want to know if I was her mother.

I doubt OP will be back. Running an OP off their own thread in five pages has to be some sort of record doesn’t it ?

Wonder if the ex has moved a new partner in.

What on earth do you mean by that? Why would it be insane?

If you mean you act as though the children don’t exist, or refuse to cook for them as part of cooking meals, yes that would be insane. But why would a new partner expect to be roped into overseeing homework or taking kids to medical appointments or extracurriculars or looking after them when they’re sick or doing school runs or reviewing their wardrobe needs or anything else that is a parent’s job?

You do realise that ‘Mumsnet’ isn’t an amorphous blob. It’s made up of thousands of (mostly) women who have lived experiences and post as such. If many people are trying to tell you something, you should listen.

IME many posters project their own experiences, which is in no way an indication that the particular OPs situation is the same.