Daughter admitted she’s sick of my partner

[yellowbutter]

Name changed so not outing.

Ive been with my partner for 6 years. My kids got on great with him for years, but I’ve noticed that y eldest daughter (14) has recently been really short with him, avoiding interacting and giving him funny looks.

To be honest our relationship is not great anymore, many many issues and resentments and I’ve definitely taken a step back from him as we have been going round in circles over the same issues for so long now, I feel he doesn’t listen, his moods are very up and down and he seems to go back and forth with engaging with us and then not. I feel that he’s not consistent, he used to be actively involved with the kids but as time has went on he comes home from work and spends the rest of his night on his computer. I’m left to do all the bulk work that comes with pre-teens, taxi-ing, school, dinners etc as well as working two jobs. There are many many other issues but too long to explain.

I have sat back and watched this for a while now so I approached her gently a few days ago and asked her how she felt about him, explained I thought I’d noticed she seemed a bit annoyed by him and assured her I would not repeat anything she said to me. She tried to deflect it back to me and ask me how I felt about him but I said that I wanted to know how she felt (I don’t think it’s appropriate as a parent to tell her how I’m feeling at the minute but I also want to be honest with her so it’s hard). She said she’s pretty much sick of him and he makes her cringe 😬 but then said that she feels like that about people sometimes and she’ll probably be ok with him in a few months. I thanked her for being honest and assured her I wouldn’t repeat anything she said and her happiness is my first priority.

I have been hesitant to end the relationship because I’ve been worried about the impact on the kids and my younger child still enjoys his company (when he engages) but now I feel that as one of my children isn’t fond of him anymore this is the nail in the coffin. But then I’m still worried that my younger child will be impacted by a breakup.

Im aware that 14 is a rough age and there’s hormones flying everywhere and she has over the past 6 months really grown up/hit the teenage years with a bang, so I don’t know if how she’s feeling is just a phase, but maybe not. I also wouldn’t want her to feel any guilt if I did end the relationship as ultimately it is my decision, but they and their happiness will always come first and they shouldn’t have to live with someone they no longer like or tolerate.

Has anyone experienced similar? Please be gentle, this is a very hard time right now. Thank you

Thank you so much for this

If you want someone to just agree with you then ask yourself why

I don’t need anyone to agree with me, I’ve clearly not asked for that. I also didn’t ask for rudeness, hence requesting this is now deleted

It sounds like you have your own doubts about this relationship (with good reason) and you're trying to get your daughter to make a decision for you. She's going to feel guilty if you break up.

Have some courage. Manage your own adult relationships and let her stay out of it!

There is a need to go there. Women moving men into their daughter's homes should absolutely know that that it's possible.

100% get rid of him but don’t let your daughter think it’s your fault you have, since you asked her opinion of him.

It sounds like the relationship has run its course. Close this chapter of your life. It's not worth the anguish and start the next part of your life.

On its own, a teenager going through a phase of being sick of someone and feeling 'cringe' isn't a big deal. I'd bet plenty of this age group feel that way about their actual parents at some point.
You sound really unhappy in the relationship generally, so that alone is reason enough to end things. You don't need to involve dc in the decision.

It's possible, of course. I don't think that going down that road here is going to particularly help OP stay focused on what she can clearly see, and action it, that's all.

Are you suggesting most women don’t know that this is possible?

It was raised as a possibility. It doesn’t need hammering home again and again.

OP I’m sorry you’ve got such shitty replies. It doesn’t sound like you are happy in the relationship, and that’s enough to end it.

I’m going to go a little against the grain.

I suspect your daughter may be picking up on your frustrations with the relationship.

What are your expectations of it and are they different to his?

Would counselling be worth trying?

Does he still have his own home he could return to for a while and might a return to dating be possible?

Do you love him?

Your children ultimately want you to be happy.

How did you get that from my post, which was about one particular woman claiming it isn't possible?

Don’t overreact to the responses. My first thought was that you do need to find out what she meant by cringe. Did you ask her?

I'm really confused by this. Have you never taken one of your children somewhere whilst the other stayed at home? Do they both just come along to each other's clubs and activities?

The 14 year old never opts to stay home whilst you nip to a shop or to see a friend?

You don't need your daughter's permission to leave, and honestly it sounds like you already know the answer.

Read your own post back. Two jobs, all the school runs, all the dinners, all the emotional labour of raising two pre-teens, while he clocks off from work and disappears onto his computer for the night. That's not a relationship, that's you running a household with an extra adult in it who doesn't help.

Your daughter isn't wrong. Kids see exactly what's going on, they just don't always have the words for it yet — "he makes me cringe" is a 14 year old's way of saying "he's not pulling his weight and everyone can feel it." She's not being dramatic or hormonal, she's reflecting the atmosphere back at you.

You're not asking us whether to leave. You're asking for permission, because some part of you is scared of the fallout. But you've been "going round in circles over the same issues" for so long that even you can't be bothered listing them all — that's your answer right there.

The "impact on the kids" argument cuts both ways. Kids raised by a stressed, overstretched, checked-out household because everyone's tiptoeing around one disengaged partner aren't better off than kids of separated parents who are settled and okay. What she'll remember isn't that you split up, it's whether you looked happier and less exhausted afterwards.

He's not going to change at this point. Stop waiting for a sign — you already got it, twice, once from your own gut and once from your daughter.

So you have any more details OP about what your daughter said about him? Making her cringe could be nothing (eg he wears 'awful' clothes or has a boring hobby) or it could be more serious (something that's worrying her about his personality or how he treats her). My answer would be different depending on the answer. If it's the former, then I imagine a lot of teens feel like that about people in their family!

You have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. I was abused as a child while my mum was in the next room. Within 5 minutes my world changed forever. I was also incredibly rude to the man in question when I got to my teen years, and eventually disclosed to my mum in my twenties. But yeah, of course you’re sure.

I have been hesitant to end the relationship because I’ve been worried about the impact on the kids

The impact on them if he stays is that they see a really poor relationship model. I get that they are your kids and expecting him to be just like a father to them is unlikely to be appropriate. But if their model of a relationship is that he comes in from work and refuses to engage, sitting on his computer all night and you just put up with that (apart from any other issues that might be visible), they are going to think that must be okay.

Is that what you'd like them to learn about relationships?

Your DD asked you what you thought of him and while I agree it's not appropriate to dump your frustrations on her, she may well have been asking because she's wondering "WTF? He's a waste of space but mum still likes him?" And she's tiptoeing around it because she knows it not her place to tell you how to feel.

And OP has confirmed that she’s as sure as she can be that that isn’t the reason. Her DD herself confirmed that she goes through phases of not liking people and that she’d probably be OK with him again at some point. That doesn’t sound like an abuse situation. This is how threads get derailed because OP’s end up abandoning after answering the same questions on repeat.

This.

yellowbutter

Just remember that if your reason for ending the relationship is that you are not happy, then that is enough.

You don't need anymore than that.

And in the long term that will benefit your children as they will see that your and their health and wellbeing comes first.

She said he’s cringe. Did you ask her to say more?

"...she’s as sure as she can be" - which is meaningless twaddle because she can't be sure.

Larry Nassar (look him up) sexually abused girls while their parents were in the same room.

OP, Mumsnet is full of former stepchildren who have stories to tell. Maybe listen to them, instead of burying your head in the sand.

OP didn’t ask for people to agree with her. She’s also correctly characterising some of the comments as hurtful - deliberately so.