Daughter admitted she’s sick of my partner

[yellowbutter]

Name changed so not outing.

Ive been with my partner for 6 years. My kids got on great with him for years, but I’ve noticed that y eldest daughter (14) has recently been really short with him, avoiding interacting and giving him funny looks.

To be honest our relationship is not great anymore, many many issues and resentments and I’ve definitely taken a step back from him as we have been going round in circles over the same issues for so long now, I feel he doesn’t listen, his moods are very up and down and he seems to go back and forth with engaging with us and then not. I feel that he’s not consistent, he used to be actively involved with the kids but as time has went on he comes home from work and spends the rest of his night on his computer. I’m left to do all the bulk work that comes with pre-teens, taxi-ing, school, dinners etc as well as working two jobs. There are many many other issues but too long to explain.

I have sat back and watched this for a while now so I approached her gently a few days ago and asked her how she felt about him, explained I thought I’d noticed she seemed a bit annoyed by him and assured her I would not repeat anything she said to me. She tried to deflect it back to me and ask me how I felt about him but I said that I wanted to know how she felt (I don’t think it’s appropriate as a parent to tell her how I’m feeling at the minute but I also want to be honest with her so it’s hard). She said she’s pretty much sick of him and he makes her cringe 😬 but then said that she feels like that about people sometimes and she’ll probably be ok with him in a few months. I thanked her for being honest and assured her I wouldn’t repeat anything she said and her happiness is my first priority.

I have been hesitant to end the relationship because I’ve been worried about the impact on the kids and my younger child still enjoys his company (when he engages) but now I feel that as one of my children isn’t fond of him anymore this is the nail in the coffin. But then I’m still worried that my younger child will be impacted by a breakup.

Im aware that 14 is a rough age and there’s hormones flying everywhere and she has over the past 6 months really grown up/hit the teenage years with a bang, so I don’t know if how she’s feeling is just a phase, but maybe not. I also wouldn’t want her to feel any guilt if I did end the relationship as ultimately it is my decision, but they and their happiness will always come first and they shouldn’t have to live with someone they no longer like or tolerate.

Has anyone experienced similar? Please be gentle, this is a very hard time right now. Thank you

How much chores, childcare etc. is their biological father doing?

That would worry me and make me wonder if there is something more concerning going on. Whatever, she is your daughter for the rest of your lives and he is just some bloke in the greater scheme of things so I'd end it with him.

Well she can be surer than anyone here can’t she ? And if her DD has confirmed that she goes through phases of thinking people are cringeworthy and thinks she’ll probably be fine with him at some point, that doesn’t scream abuse.

"Dating" would be more appropriate, he is obviously signalling that he is not up for the full time job that is yours as a parent.

He isn"t just "some bloke", the the OP said she was in love with him?

If you don’t like the way l post feel free to scroll right past.

I haven't experienced what you have and I'm sorry you're getting the answers that you are. Reading what you've written I should imagine your daughter is picking up on what you're experiencing too.. That he's moody and inconsistent.
A lot of people come home from work and go online, maybe more so if the children are getting older. Take the children out of the equation and you're living with someone who is moody and can't always be bothered. You say you think you've out grown him. It does sound as though maybe your relationship has run it's course.
Your youngest might be a bit sad if he goes but that's no reason to stay with him and your youngest will get over it quickly enough. Children on the whole accept change/facts. It doesn't sound like he's adding much to your life or to family life. What's the point, why are you with him?

That's disgusting. 🤮 Imagine being a young tween/teen and having an old man (to you) groping and kissing you. Even reading about it makes me want to throw up.

I wish all the crap men we read about on here would realise that when they leave their wives and children, and bust their marriages up, they potentially expose their children to strange men. There is no protector as good as the children's biological father.

Hey OP, in your first paragraph, you say how unhappy and dissatisfied you are with this relationship.

If you are unhappy, why not end it, because you want to end it? Why do you need one or either of your children to be unhappy, to push you into action? You don’t need anyone else’s permission to ditch him.

Also, do you think your daughter could be picking up on your unhappiness and she’s following your lead?

He seems to have become incredibly complacent and is taking you for granted.

Put yourself and your children first and give this one his marching orders.

👆

I dont think the comments are hurtful op, just strangers online being honest with you.

DD said she'll probably be ok with him in a few months, but she's not comfortable with your home situation now, and that's got to be very difficult for her. I think I'd tell him he needs to move out now, as things have changed and your own relationship has run its course.

If you continue your relationship when he's moved out, at least DD will feel comfortable in her own home.

@yellowbutter Don't take the comments of potential sa personally. See it as other women flagging in general for ALL women to be careful with unrelated males in the household.

Anyway. I wouldn't stay with someone just because one of my kids liked him. Not a good reason at all. And I understand your frustration about his lack of involvment. Yes- your kids your responsability. But when you love and live with someone and you see that person being exhausted surely you step in. If I'm at a friend's house I will just step in naturally to help out so I think one can expect the same from a partner.

Last thing- please tell me he's not a cocklodger- I hope he pays the majority of the bills since he's got free rent?

Just be an adult, instead of contriving a way to make it a kids decision.

Agree with this 100%.

@yellowbutter

You're in a hard situation. It doesn't sound like the relationship between you and him is going anywhere. But you are understandably worried about how a split will impact on your dc. You dd has shared her current views, although she's of an age where her views may change.

If you do split you need to be careful about how you set it with your dc. Make clear, that this was your choice, that you are sorry if things are disrupted etc. Would you facilitate your younger dc meeting up with him, if your dc wanted to?

They are too old to adopt a new man as a step dad. I haven’t moved my partner of 6 years in as I have 2 teen DD’s and I respect their space.

Any man coming on here to complain that his live-in partner wasn’t doing enough care for his kids during the time he has then would be given far shorter shrift than you have.

It sounds like there are plenty of reasons to move on from this relationship, but before you get into another one, it would be a good idea to straighten out your belief that your new partner has any responsibility to take on care of your children.

If they do contribute, wonderful, and you should be appreciative but there can be no expectation attached to it.

Unlikely they will agree to delete as they don’t like to do that when people have gone to trouble of posting as otherwise most threads would get deleted if person doesn’t like the replies. Just stop reading if upsetting. Some of the comments are harsh, but the problem is your relationship with him, and you need to make a decision independantly on your own about that, not what your DC want.

Some of the chores he should be doing, but the DC are yours, and I don’t think it’s on him to be driving them around, nor would I want him to.

You don’t stay in a crap relationship because one of your children doesn’t mind him!

He’s lived with her since she was 8 and she doesn’t sound like she would be sad to see the back of him? Thats the key and worrying thing to me, you say they aren’t alone ever but they will be, in the kitchen, squeezing past him etc, she’s not comfortable with him and theres a reason for it. Get rid of him.

Also stop bringing your children into your relationship, it’s not ok to parentify your kids, even asking her the question makes her responsible for what happens next. That is not how you act as a responsible parent,

Um, no.

Household chores generally, yes.
But they're your kids and they have 2 parents; he's not one of them.

My immediate thought, listen to your daughter @yellowbutter sometimes we have to hear what they are not yet able to say xxx

Yikes! The comments on here are appalling!
Teenagers can be very tricky esp at your DDs age. I'm sure one minute things will be fine and then she'll go through phases of hating everyone! Her dad will be the best parent ever until she hates him etc.... Being a step parent is one of the toughest jobs ever. If you tey to get too involved you're told to butt out as they're not your children but if you take a step back you're told you're not involved enough. Its a thankless task and then add a hormonal teenager into the mix!
I would focus on your relationship and see if you want to try and salvage it, then decide where you go from there. Yes you value your daughters opinion but it is just that unless you have any other concerns.

Living together obviously isn’t working. Ask him to leave and if you still want to date him after the dust has settled then do so. Or move on.