Daughter admitted she’s sick of my partner

[yellowbutter]

Name changed so not outing.

Ive been with my partner for 6 years. My kids got on great with him for years, but I’ve noticed that y eldest daughter (14) has recently been really short with him, avoiding interacting and giving him funny looks.

To be honest our relationship is not great anymore, many many issues and resentments and I’ve definitely taken a step back from him as we have been going round in circles over the same issues for so long now, I feel he doesn’t listen, his moods are very up and down and he seems to go back and forth with engaging with us and then not. I feel that he’s not consistent, he used to be actively involved with the kids but as time has went on he comes home from work and spends the rest of his night on his computer. I’m left to do all the bulk work that comes with pre-teens, taxi-ing, school, dinners etc as well as working two jobs. There are many many other issues but too long to explain.

I have sat back and watched this for a while now so I approached her gently a few days ago and asked her how she felt about him, explained I thought I’d noticed she seemed a bit annoyed by him and assured her I would not repeat anything she said to me. She tried to deflect it back to me and ask me how I felt about him but I said that I wanted to know how she felt (I don’t think it’s appropriate as a parent to tell her how I’m feeling at the minute but I also want to be honest with her so it’s hard). She said she’s pretty much sick of him and he makes her cringe 😬 but then said that she feels like that about people sometimes and she’ll probably be ok with him in a few months. I thanked her for being honest and assured her I wouldn’t repeat anything she said and her happiness is my first priority.

I have been hesitant to end the relationship because I’ve been worried about the impact on the kids and my younger child still enjoys his company (when he engages) but now I feel that as one of my children isn’t fond of him anymore this is the nail in the coffin. But then I’m still worried that my younger child will be impacted by a breakup.

Im aware that 14 is a rough age and there’s hormones flying everywhere and she has over the past 6 months really grown up/hit the teenage years with a bang, so I don’t know if how she’s feeling is just a phase, but maybe not. I also wouldn’t want her to feel any guilt if I did end the relationship as ultimately it is my decision, but they and their happiness will always come first and they shouldn’t have to live with someone they no longer like or tolerate.

Has anyone experienced similar? Please be gentle, this is a very hard time right now. Thank you

Honestly, I don't understand how you can model a crap relationship to your children and not expect them to be impacted by that.
You have a choice whether to live that way. At this point, she doesn't, despite being affected by the dynamics.

Whilst I do feel sorry that many think somethings happened just because you daughter has said she’s now not keen on your partner I think reality is more likely that hormones have hit and she’s growing up and can see that he is being lazy and not taking part like he used to. She’s likely feeding off your exhaustion and thinking this is not fair.

OP is obviously gone. But yeah, that's a strange response by the daughter.

Stepfathers are a huge risk to children, especially female children, and these abusers can literally abuse the child right in front of the mother. And often these predators choose women with young daughters.

I have read far too many stories where the mother said there is no way he has access to my kids, I am always there... YET the abuse occurred, and the child has sustained life-long damage and trauma.

I think you should be honest with your dd. I don’t think using what she disclosed should be your main reason for dumping him because she may then feel in some way responsible. She should know you’re fed up with him too.

your daughter was very mature in answering you,it sounded heartfelt, i think you take her openion onboard but more importantly trust your own instincts,you are the adult in a relationship and despite your daughters openion.it sounds like you know the relationship is not great.i would end it not because what my 14 year old said but because i am not happy in the relationship.

Really? What about biological fathers who also abuse their children? Not every biological father is a safe one.

And some men who are unrelated to children can be fantastic, protective step fathers.

Life is too short to live with a grumpy man. Leave him. Your future self will thank you and you will be much happier.

your young one will be absolutely fine.

OP it sounds like you have plenty of reasons to split up and no especially good ones to stay together

I also wonder what he’s doing on his computer every evening

You can't endlessly qualify what you write online with all the possible outliers. What I wrote is generally true. The crime stats prove it. Biggest risk to children is a resident non-biologicaly-related adult and certainly not the bio dad, statistically speaking.

So yes. Really.

"Alone" can mean "cornered in the kitchen while you're on the loo". Unless you are handcuffed to her 24/7, you cannot claim that they've never been alone together.

Even without abuse, going through female puberty with an unrelated man in the house is no fun. "Mum, I'm out of pads" must be whispered, not spoken aloud.

Have I ever given that advice?

And were those threads about women being expected to do all the childcare for stepchildren so the bloke could live his life without looking after kids. I said coparent and would say that to a man and a woman.

Same here. I’ve noticed how every time there’s a news report about abuse in a family, when you dig into it it’s the mother’s partner or a step-sibling. In my view there’s nothing like enough focus on this.
I would never, ever bring a man into the house with my girls.

Yes, if I was a single mum, I would date when the kids were at their dad's, if they had an involved dad, but no way would I move anyone in. Not just because of the abuse risk, although that's a part, but because the children shouldn't have to live with a non-related male that they didn't choose. It would be weird for them.

If I had the kids all the time, I probably wouldn't date.

Whispering about pads? Yeah, if you time travelled back to the 90s. Women don't need to hide those conversations anymore. I never do.

Totally agree.

Well, good for you. A twelve-year-old girl may feel differently. A girl or young woman of any age may simply want her privacy.

@yellowbutter , I only read your replies not the whole thread so I apologize if I missed pp and am repeating something.

Your partner is living in your house, I hope he is contributing financially. You are not unreasonable to hope that your dp would be more than a disinterested roommate, and have some level of genuine interest and connection to you as well as your children, though the other hand, you also seem to fully understand that he is not a replacement father.

While there have been men on Mumsnet who expect their new girlfriends to become fulltime nannies, it doesn't sound like that is your expectation. You mention that you may have outgrown him earlier, and it sounds like whatever interest he had in family life has passed for him as well. It sonds like things aren't quite working all around, neither between the two of you, nor for your broader household including the children.

You are understandably hesitant to make major disruptive changes without thinking this through carefully, and seeking other opinions, all of which are reasonable things to do.

You are not unreasonable to question whether this is continuing to work for everyone, it's not easy though, and I hope for soft landings, whatever you decide.

This. OP, don't parentify your daughter in this way.

Yes, you can. They aren't your kids.

When you're a teen girl, trust me, you don't want to mention pads or bras around an unrelated man. It was awkward enough having to request pads from my dad. Nothing to do with "the 90s" and everything to do with feeling awkward about developing a woman's body and not wanting to draw an unrelated man's attention to it.

In my daughter’s case, she doesn’t even want to talk about it with an unrelated woman. She’d rather discuss it with her dad than his new partner. I can’t imagine how much more uncomfortable having an unrelated man listening in would be for her.

Really? That's so interesting. That some adults think it's okay to have an adult living in a child's home who doesn't show basic concern never mind unconditional love. What do you mean by new partner? If you're living with someone, that's not new and you should wait even longer if your partner has children, to ensure you're ready to coparent.

All kids deserve that. It's horrible living with a caregiver who doesn't give enough of a shit about you to want to take care of you when you're ill and doesn't want to drive you places. Been there: it's crap. That doesn't mean 100% of the time. But 50% is fine. Otherwise, the child feels rejected. Children shouldn't have to feel rejected in their own home.

If you don't want to coparent 'properly' then don't move in to that child's home and life.

Yeah, times have changed. Lasses talk about periods much more openly now but there will be individual differences in any generation.

You need to address the issue of your relationship with your partner.
If he has decided being a step is not for him or he just has grown away from you then end it.

But it is their home so just don't move in if you don't want to be a parent.