Daughter admitted she’s sick of my partner

[yellowbutter]

Name changed so not outing.

Ive been with my partner for 6 years. My kids got on great with him for years, but I’ve noticed that y eldest daughter (14) has recently been really short with him, avoiding interacting and giving him funny looks.

To be honest our relationship is not great anymore, many many issues and resentments and I’ve definitely taken a step back from him as we have been going round in circles over the same issues for so long now, I feel he doesn’t listen, his moods are very up and down and he seems to go back and forth with engaging with us and then not. I feel that he’s not consistent, he used to be actively involved with the kids but as time has went on he comes home from work and spends the rest of his night on his computer. I’m left to do all the bulk work that comes with pre-teens, taxi-ing, school, dinners etc as well as working two jobs. There are many many other issues but too long to explain.

I have sat back and watched this for a while now so I approached her gently a few days ago and asked her how she felt about him, explained I thought I’d noticed she seemed a bit annoyed by him and assured her I would not repeat anything she said to me. She tried to deflect it back to me and ask me how I felt about him but I said that I wanted to know how she felt (I don’t think it’s appropriate as a parent to tell her how I’m feeling at the minute but I also want to be honest with her so it’s hard). She said she’s pretty much sick of him and he makes her cringe 😬 but then said that she feels like that about people sometimes and she’ll probably be ok with him in a few months. I thanked her for being honest and assured her I wouldn’t repeat anything she said and her happiness is my first priority.

I have been hesitant to end the relationship because I’ve been worried about the impact on the kids and my younger child still enjoys his company (when he engages) but now I feel that as one of my children isn’t fond of him anymore this is the nail in the coffin. But then I’m still worried that my younger child will be impacted by a breakup.

Im aware that 14 is a rough age and there’s hormones flying everywhere and she has over the past 6 months really grown up/hit the teenage years with a bang, so I don’t know if how she’s feeling is just a phase, but maybe not. I also wouldn’t want her to feel any guilt if I did end the relationship as ultimately it is my decision, but they and their happiness will always come first and they shouldn’t have to live with someone they no longer like or tolerate.

Has anyone experienced similar? Please be gentle, this is a very hard time right now. Thank you

Chores yes, childcare, no.

Again, to echo others, you have to think that there may be some abuse going on from him to her.

Leave him, tell her you were thinking of leaving before you asked her about her feelings so she knows it’s nothing she has done.
He doesn’t sound like a great partner. Having an unrelated man in the house when you are a girl going through puberty is hard. Your kids don’t need an inconsistent and occasionally interested person in their lives and it won’t be helping your daughter. Break up and move on.

I agree that sounds reasonable to me. However, mumsnetters usually come down extremely hard on a man with kids if he expects his new partner to help with childcare etc.

I'm not sure why you'd hesitate or why you think this centres on your daughter. He's a shit partner and has been for a few years. He's not the father of your kids so you don't have to feel bad about splitting with him on their account. Why drag your daughter in and make her feel responsible? Just get rid!

She's letting you know, (while giving you an option to save face, because as a child that's what she's programmed to do to keep herself safe, by blaming her possibly wrong judgement) that she can also see the many, many problems in the relationship.

She's been brave enough to confirm what you already knew, although she shouldn't have been put in that position.

Respect that. Get him out. If you don't you'll lose her.

There’s not and I really don’t want the thread to be derailed into that

What does this man bring to your life, OP? Any pluses, anything you'd miss if (when) he moves out?

I don’t think he should expected to do childcare, lifts etc for children that aren’t his. He should be doing his share of everything else in the home though.

You aren’t keen any more and neither is one of your kids so ditch him.

When people with kids repartner after divorce, they are not really making a new family. Most kids never see the new partner as a parent unless they meet them very young and their actual parent is dead or totally absent.

If there are already two parents in the kids’ lives, the work of parenting is already being shared (albeit not always equally, as is the situation for me) so to expect a new partner to start sharing the already-shared load further is just lazy and presumptuous.

Yes, maybe you are stuck doing more childcare once you are divorced. That comes with the territory and the person to try to negotiate it with is the children’s actual parent. You don’t get to palm it off on a third party.

They are not his kids.

I think you are sick of him. Get rid

Your youngest will be less affected by a breakup, than by you staying in a relationship where he’s hot & cold with your kids and sometimes ignores them. Add that to other issues in your relationship, and it certainly looks like it’s run its course.

Put your children first. And don’t move another man into their home.

You know what you need to do. Why are you hesitating…

You can't stay in a relationship that's run it's course OP because your DP occasionally engages in a positive way with your younger DC! That's one of the most idiotic reasons I've ever heard for continuing with a relationship. Take your kids out of the equation for a second and ask yourself 'Do I want to be with this man any more?'. It sounds like the answer to that is 'No', that you've outgrown him and he's a selfish man-child. So end the relationship and get him out of your house. You have one life. Don't waste it on a dead-end relationship. Your DS will be fine, but make sure that your DD knows that she just confirmed to you what you've already been feeling yourself - that the relationship has run its course.

You don't know that and while you keep denying the possibility, people will keep correcting you.

You don't even need to be out of the house for something to happen.

Yes that would be horrific, but there is no need to go there, OP has no evidence of this, and there is already a very good reason to move him out and end the relationship.

Get him gone.

I’m left to do all the bulk work that comes with pre-teens, taxi-ing, school, dinners etc as well as working two jobs.

It's tricky, because as others have said, men are hammered on here if a female partner does a lot for their children! But realistically, a partner does at least need to contribute chores-wise to the home if they're living there full-time,

It sounds like this relationship has run its course if he's isolating himself from family life. If he doesn't want to be part of the household anymore, he can leave.

All seems a bit harsh to me - all of a sudden he is a sex offender, surprised no-one has suggested you take an STI test!!

• Teens are awkward, my DD of 15 hates her mum with with a passion at times (stayed with me all last week instead of 50/50 as they fell out) but also falls out with me too (not as bad but I know I can be a soft touch at times, plus her mum does have minor anger issues). Who knows what I am going to get day to day and the OP DD says that in a few months who knows, she feels like this about others
• Sounds like your relationship is the issue, so rather stick or dump, I suggest you raise the issue, say it cant carry on like this and suggest counselling to understand if this is still a good fit for both.
• I have done lots of things with my GF DD - like pick up from places, go round when she was sick, cook etc... But thats me (she is a great kid btw). Would I do this for anyone, probably not but I dont really know how this all works when living together and kids are not yours. Even my DD doesnt want to spend time with me most of the time. Should he really be made to feel bad for not doing dad things (seeing as they have a relationship with dad?). I can imagine what the reaction would have been if a man says his GF was not helping out!

@yellowbutter it's enough that both you and your daughter no longer feel the same way about him.

That he doesn't even support you on the odd occasion it'd be useful, but sits around like the lord of the manor, in your house

From what you've described the relationship has run it's course, there is a discussion to be had, with him.

Why? A ate of mine moved in with his GF and her DD when she was 4 or so. 14 years later she regards him as a proper step-dad, and they are a great family unit. I have other friends (m&f) who have moved in with others and in the main it has worked really well.

I don't see any reason for you to continue to house someone who is uncaring towards you and your daughter doesn't like. Just get rid.

Ok I’m going to ask this thread is deleted as I can’t cope with the hurtful comments from some people when I was just asking for advice from anyone with similar experiences. As I explained this is a really difficult time and it is really disappointing to ask for support on a women’s support website only to be told that I’m lazy, making idiotic decisions and continuous talk of sexual abuse.

Thanks to those with respectful and considered replies I really do appreciate it 🩷

Your children aren’t in a relationship with this man YOU are!!