The Dating Thread 61 - High Summer High Jinks 🍾🥂

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

His thoughts on dating in your 50s:

I am on sketchier ground with all this. I imagine she has spent decades being told how to look, how to act, how to be desirable. By now, she's either internalised that or she's thrown it out the window. The ones who've thrown it out are probably a revelation. Probably financially independent? If they're not looking for a provider, they're looking for a companion. That changes the dynamic entirely. Perhaps they can be set in their ways. Twenty or thirty years of living a certain way means they have routines, preferences, and expectations that are firmly entrenched. The baggage is heavier at this age. Divorces, grown children with complicated lives, aging parents, health issues starting to crop up. A woman in her fifties might have a lot on her plate that has nothing to do with you. If a man is looking for someone carefree and unencumbered, this isn't the age group for him. So that's the trade-off. More authenticity, less desperation, but also more rigidity and more history to navigate if you are a man.

How might a woman in her 50s approach dating? I admit to being clueless, but my thoughts are that the first thing she should do is be honest about what she actually wants. Not what she thinks she should want, not what her friends are telling her to want. If she's after companionship and the occasional shag, say that. If she's after a life partner to travel with and grow old beside, say that. If she's after someone to share quiet evenings and the Sunday papers with, say that. The women who succeed at this age are probably the ones who've stopped apologising for their preferences. She might lead with her life, not her loneliness. A profile that says "I have a garden I'm proud of, a book club I love, and a grandchild who thinks I'm hilarious" is infinitely more attractive than "I'm looking for someone to fill the empty spaces." The former invites a man in. The latter puts pressure on him to be the solution to a problem he didn't create. Also I think she should be willing to meet halfway, literally and figuratively. The most important thing? She should trust her instincts. By her 50s, she's seen enough to know when something feels off. If a man seems too good to be true, he probably is. If a situation makes her uncomfortable, she should walk. The women who ignore their gut at this age end up in the same messes they were in in their 20s and 30s. The ones who listen to it might end up with something real.

Wow, this thread moves fast! I was looking at the old thread wondering what happened - it wasn't full! Then I realised there was a new one already.

I've had a brief surge in swiping and a few matches. Mr AI - who I went for a date with on Tuesday, turned out to be pleasant, but only separated for two months. Started divorce process and thinks his divorce 'will be easy'. Poor deluded fool 😂 No chemistry anyway.

Have a few other chats going and a date lined up with Mr Joyce, who writes long stream-of-consciousness messages, they are confusing but also hilarious. I've also just had a chat with him on the phone and we have a date on Saturday.

I also got a message from Mr Polyglot. He apologised for going quiet and said he'd had family health and work issues simultaneously apparently. No hint of a date but it was nice that he eventually replied.

@Nosdacariad it's good that you're distracting yourself with Mr Beered, I have to say I've made platonic relationships through the apps too - which is also great!

@Ilovelurchers maybe he's couch surfing?!

@LenaFromTheNineties interesting insights from Mr Ex-Runner and some truth in all of that. I'd like to add another male archetype who seems to be omnipresent across the generations and that's the AI expert. Just so many of them, all overly confident that it's going to transform everything without a worry about its terrifying reach or impact. This seems to be the predominant type I date these days and seemingly impossible to avoid, ffs.

Hi all, I’m new to this thread. I’m 33 and have one DS14. I’ve been single for about 5 years. I dipped my toe into the dating world 2 years ago but my heart wasn’t really in it so retracted it quite quickly. I’m feeling more invested this time around. I joined Tinder a few weeks ago and have my first date this evening. We’ll call him Mr Sea turtle as we’ve spoken about them multiple times. He seems great and we’ve managed to keep the conversation going for over a week easily enough. He organized the date which I liked, he suggested a place and time which I find some guys aren’t great at. They’ll ask you out but can’t seem to organize anything themselves. My only slight concern about him is that I am 5”8 so quite tall. I usually prefer to date men my height or taller. His profile says he is 5”9 which is fine if he is but I know some men put their height as a few inches taller. If he’s shorter than me it will annoy me, rightly or wrongly! Hopefully not though, I’ll update later.

@MessyNDepressy best of luck for your first date. Mr SeaTurtle sounds promising so far! Great that he's a) kept the conversation going and b) organised a time and place.

Men's height has never been an issue for me since I'm a midget at 5'1" but they exaggerate about other things!

@MessyNDepressy welcome! Hope your date goes well, I agree that men usually say they are taller than they are though, but not all the time!

Welcome & good luck with Mr SeaTurtle. What kind of date is it?

I know nothing about anything but do you want to encourage him given he's not putting in much effort?

@MessyNDepressy Welcome! Hoping that your date with me SeaTurtke goes well!

@LenaFromTheNineties thank you so much for asking Mr ex-runner. The 50-somethings he knows sound a little old before their time.

@MessyNDepressy welcome!

@Chocolatefreak that is a good archetype to add. Planescrash had his entire "business" based on AI. An entire life really.

@empirebiscuits12 If it’s someone I have matched with but not met, I’d give them 2-3 days to reply max. Generally I think if they are keen, they’re keen and will make the effort to reply within a day.

When did you last hear from him?

Gemini suggested (well, commanded - I find her a bit bossy to be honest!) that I should unmatch anyone I haven't heard from in 48 hours pre-date, and narrow the window to 24 hours once we have met.

I tend to stick to this, except in the case of Mr Insurance, who I refuse to unmatch even though it's been about two weeks now since his last message. Pathetically, I keep telling myself he would unmatch if he was 100% certain. Whereas in truth, he is probably too busy shagging the beautiful and intelligent woman of his dreams to even remember I exist long enough to unmatch me.....

Mr Joyce does sound strangely endearing - at least his messages don't lack effort!

Was he equally stream-of-consciousness on the phone? And what sort of date have you got planned - and are you excited about it?

He was, let's say, chatty on the phone.

We live near a lake so the plan is to swim first, then go for a drink and then onto a club where a couple of his friends are doing an experimental dj set. Although the weather might be stormy so may have to abandon the swim.

Don't unmatch Mr Insurance. You never know!

I think it's far more likely he is in analysis paralysis and too scared to ask you out 😘

Swimming first date! Impressive 🏊‍♀️🥽

I have scars from an accident so I find it's a good way to weed out any squeamishness.

I have a friend whose first date strategy is skinny dipping! I haven't done that but I've been to a sauna for a first date and expected both of us to be naked. He was not - so I had to style that one out haha. Luckily there were several other naked people so I wasn't alone.

Warning: sexual content: I posted this in the old thread by mistake... thanks for the replies so far.
Hi all, sorry for the silence have had family stuff to deal with that has been exhausting. Update on Mr Soughdough though, and I don't know how I've kept this in for so long... it's been nearly six months since we met and it's been great but he dropped the bombshell while we were away for a weekend in a nice hotel that he used to be into S&M. It turns out that actually a lot of his relationships have had S&M sex in them, and that he thinks "a few months in" is a good time to bring this up. I am not into this at all (no judgement to anyone who is, it's just not for me). He started saying he got the idea he thought I was - I doubt that is accurate, and then backtracked and said that actually the last couple of times he's not enjoyed it as it went too far with other women wanting stuff he's not into, and he's not sure he wants to repeat that again. I have fallen for this man, and he is gushing over how much he loves our sex life, and says it doesn't matter if I'm not into it. My experience of the few (count on one hand) men I have met who are into it ,and say this is that they get bored real fast when you can't rock their boat in the way they want. I do not know what to do. The rest of our relationship has been amazing. He's present, attentive, kind, loving, funny has introduced me to his friends. Help!

Oh love that must feel very difficult.

He left it late to bring it up but I get why.

Off topic -has he met your brother yet?!

How do you feel, in your body?
Has he dealt with it/you sensitively?
Has he managed to reassure you?

I guess everything hangs on whether you are able to feel first choice going forward?

Lots of love xxx

(I'm not you, but I would not be upset by him bringing it up though would depend how it was done).

@rubberduck68 Ahh that sounds tough. I do get where he’s coming from - on the one hand it would be a tough thing to bring up at the very beginning of the relationship. On the other hand, it’s very tough to do it now when there is emotional attachment.
I don’t have much to offer other than if you like him
(and it sounds like you very much do) then I would keep an open mind, see how things go, and make sure you each have open and honest communication about how you are finding things in the bedroom department. I think it would be Shane to walk away right now.

@Ilovelurchers I hope you’re having a lovely time away! Sounds like Mr Surfer is an entertaining distraction at least. I hope we at least get to fund it what his actual lifestyle setup is, it sounds very mysterious!

Well my house move date is finally here, I’m surrounded by moving boxes andby waiting for the moving van to arrive.

I have decided I will give one of the ‘Thursday’ in person dating events a go - once I’ve unpacked into the new place I will sign up for one. There aren’t too many that over 40s are eligible for but there are a handful.

If he is no longer into S&M one wonders why he needed to bring it up.....unless he was sounding you out.

Most people don't go into their sexual history with new partners, especially not S&M and other kinks unless they want to carry on.
I've been involved in many things and met people through casual sex sites but don't feel the need to broadcast it to new people.

I know that some women can be into hardcore S&M but I think Mr Sourdough probably was the one who wanted to take it too far and the women weren't keen.

I'm sure some people can change their preferences as time goes on but I would say the majority wouldn't and if they try to push it down it will pop back up at some point.

The overly gushing positive comments on your sex life. Have they always been there or did it start after he mentioned S&M?

How is he in day to day life? Any signs of control or anything?

Personally I'd see how it goes and at the first sign of anything you don't like I'd end it.

My date with Mr Sea turtles went well last night. He’s lovely and we got on so well. Time flew by with us chatting away. We went for food and drinks, although the food was small plates so not overly formal thankfully. He wasn’t taller than me, I’d guess he was around 5”7 but it didn’t really bother me. I didn’t fancy him though. He’s attractive but I just didn’t get that feeling. He’s keen for a second date so I’m tempted to give it a try and see if there is something more there.

Oh wishing you a Joyful and Blessed life in your new home 🏡🪴☕️

It's good that you had a great time.

Did he actively lie about his height?