The Dating Thread 61 - High Summer High Jinks 🍾🥂

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Given your update, I think I'd give him a chance if that's the only thing holding you back & he's making efforts to sort it out.

I'm in a similar position re living with a parent, having to go legal route to get my equity & release from the house I own with my ex. I'm open about my situation when go on dates because I do get It's not ideal & I would hesitate too if roles reversed.

If he has everything in motion to resolve it & it's not a permanent arrangement i think I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Particularly if you see potential. Just go carefully x

Thanks everyone, appreciate the advice and insight. I was worrying about throwing myself at the first guy that shows potential in my 4 months of OLD. I’m going to approach this tentatively like you’ve all said, and keep an eye on things. I think I’ll just treat it as “a bit of fun” for now and someone to enjoy going on dates with and spending time with, instead of thinking about future potential.

He has a decent job and he’s recently started a new role which pays more plus he’s doing a lot of overtime and extra training courses to try move forward. I know he’s currently paying the mortgage on the home he used to share with his ex and child, plus CMS. And trying to pay legal costs. So from what he’s said it’s not like he’s frittering money away. I’m in absolutely no rush to live with a man again and in all honesty I don’t know if I’d ever want to again, so I 100% have my guard up in terms of cocklodging.

@empirebiscuits12 at least he has a work ethic 😁

Haha this is true!!

Please remind me next time I feel sorry for Planes that he has an inapprpriate reel on his phone (screen, I was not snooping) which reinforces his poor attitude to women and he needs to be decentred 😁

@Ilovelurchers if you felt a good connection, I’d keep going and just see whether he shows clear signs of action to get out of his living situation. Life happens to all of us, but if he is showing resolve to change it, it can be a green flag.

When you feel comfortable to do so, perhaps tell him what happened with your daughter, and gauge his reaction there too.

@Nosdacariad kindly and gently, I think you are making things worse for yourself by chatting to his ex over the road and considering stepping in. Don’t risk becoming part of his harem.

Wow, that sounds amazing! Really really happy for you. (And quite jealous if I am honest - I would love to meet someone I had immediate chemistry with like this!)

Has he booked in a second date yet?

Thank you. You're right of course. Harem by the back door.
I have been querying my harem idea when I saw the state he was in.

Given the amount of chemistry you have, and how nice he seems, I took would go for it, but just stay vigilant and keep something in reserve.

It sounds like he is not settled at his parents for life, or anything, so that situation will change in time. In the meantime, it is possible to do overnights at hotels and so on - that's what FWB and I did when we first met, as neither of us were easily in a position to invite the other back. It obviously is expensive so it meant we didn't spend the night together all that often, but actually it also made it quite fun and exciting - I definitely remember those times fondly.

Just obviously keep in mind that people don't always present themselves 100% honestly - so he could be expressing more intention to move out and get himself sorted than he actually feels. But to be fair, everyone and anyone we meet could be lying and we have to take things at face value to some extent.....

And even if it doesn't turn into anything long term, enjoy the fun dates and excitement for now! Again, I am actually quite jealous! 🤣🤣🤣

I think you got us mixed up - it's @empirebiscuits12who has met the guy who lives at home.

I was talking to one in a similar position recently but decided to unmatch - but he was different to @empirebiscuits12's guy as mine had absolutely zero intention of ever moving out, as far as I could tell. And had never lived away from home apart from 3 years at university (and was now in his 40s.....)

I was surprised as I went into it with no absolutely no excitement or expectations. No 2nd date suggested yet but I've decided I'm going to ask if he hasn't mentioned it soon. I'll be disappointed if it doesn't happen.
He's 4 years younger than me & teased me about being older, apparently he's not dated anyone older than him before.

@empirebiscuits12 in the excutement of all the positive dates people are having I forgot to say but hope your daughter is OK now - you mentioned a trip to A and E. Hope whatever it was was a false alarm or easily sorted. X

But of advice needed - have matched with a guy who seems OK, but has told me he has sole custody of his 11 and 14 year old kids. I admire him very much for parenting them alone, but am not sure how he can have time for dating? I asked him this (phrasing it respectfully I hope) but he hasn't really engaged with the question.

Would this put you off? Or would you just assume he has it sorted and not let it worry you?

Being a parent myself I am open to meeting another parent, but I wouldn't be introducing my daughter any time soon to a new partner more than perhaps a quick hello over coffee or something - but I'd plan to do the vast majority of my dating while she was at her dad's - luckily he is a very involved father so I am not particularly restricted in that way. I'm wary of getting into a situation where I am spending significant amounts of time with anybody else's kids, as I just feel like, for me, it would add a layer of pressure and seriousness I don't want.

(This is in no way judging how other people do things - I don't think you have to wait years to introduce new people to the kids in case you damage them or anything like that - it's just my personal preference as to the type of dating and relationship I personally want)

How do you eat two Magnums without one melting before you get to it?!

He can get a babysitter presumably? For initial dating? Once a week?

Personal choice 😁

Very bloody fast 😁🍦

@Chocolatefreak I love that question!!

I was a solo parent and I tried dating when my son was 10 and actually met someone decent (looking back i would love to be swiping on him now) but I had to let it go because I just couldn't give it the time it needed to build connection. He also had kids the same age. I also didn't really have the capacity either. It's only now that my son is 17 I have been able devote time to it (and sadly the dating pool has shrunk and I am older and far less attractive!). People do make it work in these circumstances but it's not without challenges. Even guys who co-parent seem to struggle with planning dates and consistency. Give him a chance though. But he may also be looking for a sexting relationship but then maybe I am cynical.

Yeah, or he may have support from extended family if they live nearby.

I think the truth of the matter is that I probably prefer a guy either with grown up kids or no kids - I really like young people - I work with them - but I have never really wanted to be in any kind of a step-parent role. One of my exes had four grown up kids and a grand daughter, and I got really close to them and was devastated more about losing them than him (I am still closish to one of them, but the others all sided with their dad, which is TOTALLY understandable).

I am really reluctant to go through all that again.

But I am probably catastrophising. And, as I say, with all the deadbeat dads around, it seems wrong of me to right this guy off BECAUSE he is a stand-up parent......

Oops sorry! Yes I meant @empirebiscuits12 . This thread moves so fast to keep up!

I think it's a valid choice. But nothing to say you have to make it now x

You are right. We've only just matched anyway, so I may as well chat to him for a bit longer, see if we connect.

He is quite heavy on the compliments already, which I do find slightly off putting. It's a balance - I am shallow enough to enjoy an initial compliment on my appearance after matching as much as the next woman - but when they keep bringing it up it does start to feel a bit love-bomby? Does anyone else feel that?

In brighter news, Mr Rollerskate was fine about me not wanting a phone conversation, so I think we are heading towards fixing a date.

He lives further away than is ideal, but seems quirky and interesting, and while not conventionally handsome there is something quite sexy about his pics.

We'll see......

I agree it's a fine balance. A compliment on something other than appearance is nice.

Great about skate! Boundary set early 👏👏👏

Thank you for sharing this experience - and that must have been tough. I do have loads of respect for solo parents - I'm very aware of how lucky I am that dd's dad is so involved and such a good co-parent.

And I am sure you are still very attractive - I think we are just conditioned to view our looks quite negatively after a certain age as women. You hear about silver foxes, but never "silver vixens". But we are definitely out there!