The Dating Thread 61 - High Summer High Jinks 🍾🥂

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

WTAF.

Is there a Hinge for best friends?! 💐

How long do you all give it before going back on the apps? I was obviously invested in Mr Singer and am upset we’ve split up, but don’t want a four month thing to hold more weight than it should …

There is no should about getting over someone 💔 and whenever suits.

I think it was @Ilovelurchers who encouraged me back on promptly.

Mr Praha sent me a rather pathetic email about should be there on time but have to go to x and y first.

I gave him 10 minutes then left as no further message.

I don't think there is a right or wrong length of time - as soon as you feel ready. Remember, you can always just look to start with - you don't have to arrange dates straight away. (Or, you may want to!). Depends whether it will be a welcome distraction, or remind you of what you have lost.....

Again, I don't think there is a right or wrong time limit, but for me the sooner the better. I don't massively enjoy the chatting stage usually, and when it IS enjoyable, in my (admittedly very jaded) experience it can lead to false expectations, as it builds a sense of closeness that may not actually be there is reality.

Having said that, I have had a lot of first dates that haven't led anywhere, and maybe if I had chatted to them for longer and found out more, I would have ruled them out before meeting. So in a way it depends how you feel about going on dates, and how much time you have. I'd rather have a failed first date than spend weeks chatting and it lead to nothing. So again, it's personal preference really .....

Like others have said there is no right or wrong but to help you decide i would lean in to your true motives.

In the circumstances you've described, when you have become a bit over invested in someone, getting back out there to talk and meet with others is a good reminder that that person was nothing special (with the caveat though that it can have the opposite effect if nobody is attracting you).

If you feel your self esteem has taken a hit and you are doing it for validation then that's when it might be better to wait because as we all know, it can be brutal out there!

@Nosdacariad sorry to hear about your date. Have you heard from him since you left?

Ive got my date with Mr Teacake later and feeling a bit meh about it. Can’t even be bothered getting ready but I will.

Thanks. I think my motivation would be that because I haven’t had lots of relationships / breakups I probably take the breakup worse than it should be given the reality is that it was only 4 months.

I did over invest too that’s on me really and I need to start practicing not doing that.

I don’t want validation because I’m not really someone who worries what others think about me in that way if you know what I mean, I’ll be some peoples cup of tea and not others and I’m okay with that

@BellaBlackberry83 @LenaFromTheNineties @Ilovelurchers You all speak such sense. We had such a good 'chat' last night but now I want to see how we would play out in real life..

@Betsy95 If I was you (and I kind of am although my marriage was 20 years long) I have got back out there quicker than others might suggest. My marriage was over years ago (when I found out he cheated) and so I am ready for the distraction and enjoying my well earned freedom. You could start and see how it 'feels'.

I have messaged him to ask when we can meet!! Hold onto your hats 🤣

Get back out there then! Build your experience. And don't beat yourself up about over investing because it means you are capable of giving love. You just need to get better at selecting the right target for that. Play the field to stop you getting too attached to one man too quickly. That's my advice!!

I am saying all of this as a person who gets way too attached and can mope about for weeks over someone who barely gives me a passing thought. 😅

God I missed this - how fucking shitty! Hope you don't feel too disappointed. X

I’m wondering whether I should try dating more than one person at a time because usually I don’t feel comfortable doing that but it would definitely stop me over investing?

@Betsy95 I don't think you should worry about 'over investing' you are just being a normal human being with emotions and feelings. Be kind to yourself 😍 Mr Right will appreciate you for who you are.

Messaging also creates a false sense of intimacy.

This is so true. I have done this. We fill in the blanks and, lacking physical cues, excuse a lot and enhance the banal. I don't need to see someone TONIGHT but if we are not planning something face to face fairly soon things will drift.

I have thought of being totally spontaneous. If free of commitments I could see someone in the daytime in London within say an hour I suppose. [I'm thinking meet at the * gallery / coffee outside at ** here]. It could be speed fun and basically futile.

Would have to be 'ready' though.

Sorry to hear this @Nosdacariad. What a pathetic man. At least you’ve found out what he’s like very early. But such an annoying waste of time.

@LenaFromTheNineties I would definitely agree. Last night did feel intimate but I don't even really know the 'essence of him' until we meet.

Mr Teacake might surprise you.

My date rocked up 20 min late after I left. He said a kind of sorry then asked if I was still around. I said no.

Only then did he apologise properly.

If he had been stuck in traffic I'd have more sympathy but he decided to run errands beforehand which made him late.

I can see why the mothers of his children were "difficult".

@Nosdacariad next....

You are criticising yourself for being upset. Please don't be so hard on yourself xxx

I'm not too upset but Mr Beered wants to take me to a pub in Planescrash's village for dinner tomorrow night.

If the date falls through (not that particular pub!) then I will be disappointed.

Planes did not come to speak to me last night. Not sure what that means.

Good luck with Teacake - he might surprise you! In a way, going in with low expectations can be good, in the sense that you are less likely to be disappointed.

But I know what you mean - it's hard to be bothered sometimes .....

Planes is a dick. He has probably now convinced himself that he was totally in the right and that you have somehow wronged him, if a lot of the men I have had dealings with are anything to go by ....

Sorry, that's unfair - I do know it's not all men. But there is a certain type of self-absorbed man who never accepts any blame, and I think Planes might be that type.

My chat with Mr 2nd Time is still going well - we have agreed a venue to meet, and are circling closer to arranging a date. I am not sure why he is taking so long to commit to one though - I suspect he is talking to other people, and maybe waiting on someone else he prefers to commit to a date first. (He did at one point erroneously send me a message meant for someone else).

I am not too bothered about this as theoretically I am talking to others too (though in practice nobody very seriously). But I am not going to wait around for him to commit to a date forever - it's been a few days now.

There is another one I am talking to who I will call Mr Rollerskate, who I was going to meet, but he has put me off slightly by saying he wants a phone conversation first. I realise I may sound unreasonable objecting to that, but it's the way he put it - as if he will vet me on the phonecall and decide whether I am good enough to meet in person. (Plus I don't like talking on the phone before I have met someone - I find it more nerve-racking than face to face chat when you can read body language too. And silences on the phone are uncomfortable to me, whereas in person you can fill them more easily).

If he were a woman and I the man I would understand the need for a phone conversation first more, to suss out I am who I say I am as a safety precaution. But men just aren't at risk from us in the same way.....