The Dating Thread 61 - High Summer High Jinks 🍾🥂

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

He's not single - he is with the woman he had an affair with that led to our break-up. I think I tend to underestimate the seriousness of their relationship because he very much speaks to me as if she doesn't exist - if I ever casually ask what he is going to be up to when he drops DD off, it's always seeing friends or working, never seeing her (but he must be, sometimes - though he does seem to take advantage of every child-free weekend to meet up with mates - this would really grind my gears if I was her!).

I wasn't even sure if they were still together (they have been on/off in the past) but DD says they definitely are - my DD isn't that keen on her, doesn't hate her or anything (and I think the woman has tried hard to get DD to like her in the past) but she's a bright girl, and quite easily worked out what caused our marriage to split, so obviously there is a bit of resentment there, though I think DD is pretty chilled about having divorced parents by this point!

But anyway, long story short, if I DID ever decide I wanted to pursue anything with him, and if he wanted this too (and these are both MASSIVE ifs), I hate to say it but I wouldn't really see their relationship as an obstacle, as if course I would if it was any other woman - I don't hate her any more, but I would kind of feel it was natural justice, and that as you reap, so shall you sew....

He just phoned me to say happy birthday actually, and it was kind of sweet. But I need to remember how we ended, and that all of the problems that sank our marriage were never worked on, and would still be there.

Plus, though the physical side was good it was never close to what I have with FWB - the sex there is just mind-blowing - and now I have experienced that, it's hard to imagine settling for anything less......

In none ex-related dating news, despite being on a self-imposed break I have still been popping on to Hinge to chat to Mr Surfer, and ended up checking my likes and matching with a couple of potentially promising guys.

Mr 2nd Tine - we matched before and neither of us can remember why we stopped talking. He seems keen to meet up this time.

Mr Finance - very promising and keen to meet but then he bought up being a bloody sexual submissive. Does anyone else get these? I am catnip to them - maybe it arouses them that I am a teacher? I am pretty sexually adventurous and not opposed to stuff like this necessarily but I do NOT like talking about sex at all until I know there is attraction there. I have told him this so we will see - if he brings it up again I will unmatch immediately......

Good Qs. He is retired, owns a home.

The drinking is CAMRA related.

I'm not so worried about the divorces, it's the kids not bothering with him.

Interests in common -- gigs I guess.

Poor form by Mr Finance.

I totally get what you mean about the affair partner reaping what she sows, I was more worrying about what it would say about him having not learned his lesson, and would you always be looking over your shoulder.

Happy birthday!!

Was he like that when you were married (taking every opportunity not to spend time with you)? Sounds like he's not that into his partner? I'd be wary though, sounds like you get a better version of him now?

As much I'd like to be ok with this, I think I'm too emotionally involved and would be upset if he was seeing other people so I think need all or nothing.

I think Real Ale is a relatively harmless interest for a guy to have (my only concern would be that some guys get a bit boring banging on about it! But that can be true of any interest if taken to an extreme). I have met one or two who use their "interest'" as an excuse for being permanently pissed, but most are fairly moderate drinkers.....

As for his kids, how did he talk about it? Did it seem to be just one of those things - that they have their own lives and don't get round to seeing him that much - or was there an element of resentment there?

This is a very good point. I am pretty sure he cheated throughout our relationship, but I naively ignored it until it became too obvious to ignore. I have no reason to think he has changed his ways - in fact according to my daughter he has not been faithful to his current partner either. So it's not really a goer - I think it's perhaps just my birthday making me sentimental.....

Interestingly, no I never felt neglected in that sense. I tended to be involved in his social plans (apart from the cheating obviously). We had lots of friends in common, whereas I don't think the majority of his friends are that keen on his new partner. According to my brother and his wife, who still socialise with my ex occasionally as part of a big group, his new partner has a tendency to drink excessively on nights out and has embarrassed people a bit, which may be why he tends to socialise separately from her now.....

That makes absolute sense - to be honest I always expected to feel the same and have been surprised by my ability to be fine with the FWB set up.

In that case, it may be worth a chat with him before you go too much further.... Would you feel able to initiate a conversation about how he sees things between the two of you?

@Ilovelurchers Happy birthday!! Hope you had an amazing day. Did you do anything special to celebrate?

Haha oh I wonder if the teacher thing is part of the reason. I can’t say I’ve ever had anyone message me anything along those lines before meeting. Or perhaps I have just been lucky! It would also give me the ick to be messaging about that when I have no idea if there is any attraction there in person.

@Mildred007Oh that does sound tricky. I really hope he’s not messing you around!

@Ilovelurchers sorry I failed to pick up it was your birthday.

Happy Birthday!!
🎂🎈🎉🕯🥳🎊

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes all! I've spent it with my daughter, mom and elderly cousin - it's been a lovely day and I have had such generous gifts - feeling very loved!

@BoxOfCatsI think you are right about Mr Finance - I was thinking of meeting him for a date (everything else is pretty promising - location, interests, stuff in common) but I wasn't madly attracted by his photos (he is a fairly good looking guy, but reminds me very strongly of my oldest male friend from childhood, who I could never fancy as he is like a brother to me). And this submissive thing to be honest has put me right off. Not that I am totally opposed to it - depending how far he wanted to take it - but it's just off-putting that it's SO important to him that he has to talk about it before even meeting someone. Maybe that's a good idea if it's such a key element of his sexuality - but it does seem to imply that it isn't something he would just want to do occasionally to spice things up, but it would be a constant thing..... Do you think I am right in assuming this?

In other news I have acquired a totally unsuitable but intriguing iron. He liked me on Facebook dating and I swiped just based on the picture (which I rarely do but he is gorgeous). He's 14 years younger and doesn't live near me, but he is SO interesting to chat to and we have loads in common. I know it can't come to anything, but I might just enjoy the ego boost for a while ... I'll call him Mr Glastonbury.

AND, DD's dad has just offered to drive us to the airport next week in the middle of the night ...Whatever his reasons, it will save me a fortune and I am very grateful.....

@Ilovelurchers Happy birthday, I hope you have an amazing year and get everything you’ve wished for ❤️

Not Derry Girls 1

Dating scenes for different generations. I chatted with Camogie about what things are like for her: 18, sporty, pretty, academic, in Lisburn NI. I won’t go into too much detail here but the pressure on girls to send nudes and so on was as bad as one fears. ‘I've heard lads bragging about who sent what, rating them. It's grim. Makes you feel like meat. That's why I never played that game. I'm not currency.’

She is a county level player for her age group. ‘My da used to take me to training before he got busy with work. He'd stand on the sideline, shouting encouragement even when I missed every sliotar. It's our thing. When I'm on the pitch, I feel strong. Like I can take a hit and get back up. Like I belong to something bigger than just me. It's the one place where nothing else matters. Not exams, not boys, not what anyone thinks of me.’

Lisburn is majority Protestant. School was mixed and ‘Catholic the way a wet Sunday is Catholic. It's just there, in the background, seeping into everything. There was the chance for activities where they tried to make you feel guilty about things you hadn't even done yet. Most of us just tuned it out. Went through the motions, then went home and lived our other lives.’

She seems to have had a more sheltered life boyfriend-wise than I did. No idea how typical she is. Her big dating disaster was with handsy ‘Conor’ the ‘lad who thought he was the second coming of Christ because he could lift a ball off the ground. Had that shaggy blonde hair, the kind that looks good on a GAA poster but up close is just greasy’, he thought that taking her to the Omniplex at Sprucefield provided all access ‘twenty minutes into some Marvel shite’.

Apart from ‘Eoin’ from History who went to a coffee place, and discussed course topics through his acne and underlying shyness, she says that: ‘That's it, really. A few near-misses, a lot of nothing. I've been saving myself, I think. Waiting for something that actually felt worth it.’

Not Derry Girls 2

As for coming over to London, I’ve tried to keep them entertained and still on enough of a rein. I tell them to say where they are going out in the day before I head off as if I am a parent. I asked whether they wanted to go to a club or similar. How things change. ‘Clubs though, I'm not sure. I've been out in Belfast, to things where they let under-18s in for certain nights. Sweaty rooms full of lads off their faces on cheap vodka, trying to grind on you to some tinny dance track. Not my scene. But gigs, definitely if we had this trip more organised and it was someone I liked. Stand at the front, let the bass rattle through my chest, shout the lyrics back at them. That's the kind of night out I'd want.’

But she is happy to stay in on a Saturday early evening in a buzzing World City playing Wingspan. ‘It's dead relaxing, isn't it? No one shouting, no one trying to win by being a dose. Just you and your birds and the quiet satisfaction of building something. I like the little facts on the cards too.’

I asked how typical she was of her peers: ‘I don't know if I was typical or not. It's hard to see yourself clearly when you're in the middle of it.’

‘The really popular girls who had the right trainers, the right bags, the right Instagram aesthetic. They went to the same parties, kissed the same lads, posted the same posed photos. I wasn't that. I was always a bit scruffy from training, little time for hair, but I wasn't an outcast either. I had my crew, the girls from the team and the history nerds. We'd sit at our own tables and talk about things others didn’t. I think most girls my age were just surviving. Trying to figure out who they were while everyone told them who they should be. I was the same, really. Just in my own way.’

‘I learned that most girls are just as lost as you are, they're just better at hiding it. Near the end I stopped apologising for being good at things. For my grades, for sport, for wanting more than what's on offer where I am from. I don't know what happens after this summer. After results, after hopefully getting it right at Trinity. I'm eighteen and I don't even know what I want for breakfast half the time, so what happens next with relationships I just can’t start to guess. It’s scary.’

@IlovelurchersHappy Birthday! X

Just had an ok night, but a dire date. Went to a dj set (he knew the djs). Was a super well planned night - nice drinks, wander round the old town, then meeting the djs - but that part was totally cringe. He was clearly trying to network like mad for work - he does all sorts of things including graphic design and AI -again! so was trying to drum up some work for that but still - on a date ?! ! I don’t think I even gave him a name - but Mr Cringe fits the bill. I even had a call with him first - where he seemed normal - but he morphed into a fan girl for these djs. They came out to chat after their set and he just gushed to them when it was obvious to me they’d fucked up a bit.

i feel like, I’m on the apps and I’m a reasonable woman, so surely by that logic there’s must be some reasonable men out there!! 😩 where are they?

Happy birthday @Ilovelurchers!

I’ve unexpectedly been asked out! I’d joined a FB group for people who want to get out and about being active and climbing hills etc, and a guy slid into my DMs last week. Had been having general chit chat which I had taken as purely platonic, then tonight he apologised if he was being “left field” then asked if I’d like to meet up sometime to do something together. I know he’s single as his FB has it on there but I don’t even know how old he is (I’m thinking late 30s or early 40s….. I hadn’t even considered that he may be interested in me, and our chat hasn’t been flirty). I told him I’d be happy to meet with the dog and go a walk but just as friends. He replied that he respects my wishes and happy to go a dog walk. I didn’t want to put pressure on myself or the situation by labelling it a date or having him think it is, but I guess we’ll see what happens when we meet up. We haven’t set a date and he said he’s happy for me to pick a day. Seems very respectful as well as interesting and funny! I wouldn’t class him as an iron at this point but I’ll call him Mr Engineer ☺️

@IlovelurchersSounds like a lovely day! Re Mr Finance, no idea if it would be constant, but clearly he feels it’s important and/or urgent. I would also be concerned he’s just after sex, if he can’t help but mention it at this stage.

Back from my date with Mr C to the Asian mega supermarket. It was actually lots of fun, we had a great time exploring. We rarely meet during the day, so it was fun to do something more couple-y than dinner for once.

Good luck with the friend date.

Please be careful, there are some 'adventure' groups where men are predators and are messaging and sleeping with lots of women from the group.

I remember one occasion when it was discovered that one guy had 4 women in different counties that he visited on a rota basis - luckily they soon found out about him and all dumped him.

On the flip side one of my good friends met a man via an 'adventure ' group and they were together over a year. In the end it just didn't work out but they had a lovely year.

What age are you both?
I do think men aged 25 - 40 is the worst in these groups for messaging and meeting lots of women.

Sorry about Mr Cringe.

If you find out where they are please let me know!!

Maybe @MrFlintstone can tell us what it's like from his side?

Great! Respectful puts him in top 10% already 😁

Glad you had fun 💜🥂🍾

Hi Nosdacariad
I'm firmly in the 50 -60 age bracket, divorced twice with 2 adult children that have their own places. I'm not very outgoing and takes me a while to open up, I'm also very happy in my own skin and being single, I just miss having a partner to do and share things with.
Dating apps to me are a minefield, you have so many variables that you really don't know anything about a person until you meet them. People can write anything, and you don't know how true it is, even when you start messaging people, you still haven't a clue. Someone could come across as boring, but yet in real life they could be the one, it just maybe that they're no good at messaging. Your dating profile is your selling piece, if you don't get that right, then you have no chance. I know this as I'm struggling with it, so I keep changing it. But I'm relaxed about not having many likes etc, as I'm not making it a mission to find someone. One thing I do find off putting, is women pouting, posting pictures where they are with another man, and group photos where you have to guess who they are. As for dates, I could never meet in a cafe or a bar, it would have to be a short walk, a picnic or some other small activity. I find conversation flows a lot easier when you're doing something, than when you're sat opposite each other as though you are interviewing each other.
This is just my take on things and sorry for the long rambling post. Please ask anything specific.