Is new bf a red flag?

[Etoile1]

Single mum, fully divorced and single for most part of 2 years(few dates).4 children between 17 and 11.
I have been dating a guy for nearly 4 months.We met on an app.He is separated with 2 children (12 and 7)the 12 year old struggles with ADHD and behaviour.
On starting the relationship he disclosed he lived in a cabin he built at the end of the garden in marital home.He parents 50/50.The living arrangements weren't ideal to me but I saw past it.
Within about a month of us dating he told his wife about me and she had a big reaction.Took a knife to his clothes, burnt his documents and photo's etc and the police were called.He has since moved in with his mum and he told police he wanted to pursue it and she was arrested and now on bail and not allowed to communicate with him.She told the police he was controlling etc for years and he is the abusive one.He maintains it is all her and he went on a course for perpetrators of domestic abusive previously because she told him to.
I probably should of stepped away at this point.

Fast forward and we have had some amazing time spent together but red flags are now starting to appear.
He has always wanted the relationship to move quickly, wanted our kids to meet etc.Mine would not be interested in this and it is way too soon.My children know I have a boyfriend and seen him in passing but my older son does not like it.I have said that I want to take things slow and spend free time together keeping kids etc out of it.Potentially for a very long time, he would move alot quicker if he had his way.
He appears insecure and anxious and admits this,several times he questions my text communication.Would happily text all day every day and if I am busy with work etc or with kids I am questioned about being distant etc.If he doesn't hear from me for a few hours he has been anxious and he said his mind runs away....apparently his wife used to cheat.
I have a healthy coparenting relationship with ex husband and amicably friends.Bf has said before he thinks ex has alterior motives for being friendly to eachother.Once he was upset because he bought me some new dungarees and he was upset my ex saw me in them before him because I dropped off the kids.Recently he has been upset that my coparent gave me a free gym code to use once a week so I don't have to pay a monthly membership. I had some gravel delivered for the garden and I borrowed my exes wheelbarrow instead of using my boyfriends and the ex also looked at an outside tap for me that wouldn't work.He said I am hurtful to him by doing these things, I don't validate his feelings, he is shocked by me, I need to take full accountability and apologise and consider his feelings etc.
He also struggles with his son's behaviour and quite often makes it about his feelings and not his sons.He has described previously that he verbally 'laid into' his son etc and when I express concern about this he doesn't like it.
Very long winded I know but I am really thinking this is more hassle than it is worth.I have come out of the otherside of my divorce and perhaps I am silly to sign up for this hassle and potentially unhealthy relationship? Any kind feed back or thoughts.I am in peri at the mo and worrying I am not seeing this situation for what it is with the health/hormonal ups and downs too.

You need to ask?

@Etoile1 has got 4 kids already. She doesn't need a fifth! If he wants help for his potential adhd then he can seek therapy.

I would RUN AWAY and never look back.

You are posting here because of your own gut feeling.

You know what you need to do.

And be prepared for him to be a stage five clinger when you try to end it.

As others have said, even if he didn’t have red flags galore, he has a “crazy” ex wife who is pissed at him, there’s no way you should be involved in all that. Especially considering you have kids. What if she burns your house down?

Seriously, gtf out of this situation, fast.

Run!! Red Flag Parade!!

This sounds similar to my lovely, highly intelligent friend - first relationship after (not amicable) divorce, so she was probably a bit more vulnerable than you to the love bombing.
New boyfriend ended up being corecive controller, tried to isolate her from normal healthy relationships in her life (like yours is doing), checked Clares Law and he had a history, police ended up involved and arrested him. Sge became a shell of herself. All ended up horribly, but she's just about getting back on her feet now.
Drop him now, you deserve better 💐

You don't need to ask. You already know. You wrote all that down to see it for yourself because you know this man is a walking disaster.

Do not walk, run. He will fuck your life up entirely if you continue walking towards this living nightmare.

Whatever the right and wrongs of what his wife did and why, he is already trying to control you. How can you not have the massive ick from his hideous pathetic insecurity?

You already know this.

Please run!! He is already trying to control you, he is rushing meeting the kids to get into your house and how he parents his 12 year old sounds awful.

oh and that ex!!! Nah!! I would be running as fast as I could. Get out before you are in too deep!

biggest red flag is that he learned NOTHING from the domestic abuser course.

Amongst all the other red flags.

Please bin this one off fast

You wanted to give him a chance despite all the emotional baggage he was carrying. Well, he's had a chance and now you can see he's too insecure, too needy and he puts his feelings first all the time, even before his childrens. No good will come of staying with him Op, just leave him

He is just a massive, giant, walking red flag. The "amazing times" are probably love bombing. At best he's an immature man child. Please dump and block.

It's not really making either of you happy is it?

The insecurity is the reason they seek to gain control. It's both.

Yeah this leapt out as nonsense. Who goes to a course about abusive behavior they've never committed because someone 'told them to'?!

Run...just run!

Read back what you’ve written and imagine it was a friend or relative writing it. What would up advise? However, he is a walking red flag and it should not be like this. A relationship should only add value to your life not cause this much hurt and drama. Bin him off now and save yourself a life full of abuse, because this is abuse.

I felt stressed and exhausted just reading this, it must be draining and unsettlng to be experiencing it in real life. He will just get worse and wear you down with all his neediness and drama. The longer you are with him the harder it will be to extricate yourself and have a clean break, I'd suggest getting out now.

Insecurity is not the reason for the behaviour. Normal people can be insecure without letting it dictate how their PARTNER should lower their boundaries.

Abusers are controlling. They will simply feign insecurity as an excuse to gain control. They want you to excuse their behaviour as insecurity. But it isn’t.

The minute they say their ex is crazy i am immediately suspicious ....i think was there something you did to make her crazy.

You never hear a man say, well when i cheated on her she wasnt happy ...when i gambled all our money away she was angry....when i did nothing to help.her or the kids she got fed up with me .....if theres no inkling of any kind of self reflection its usually a good indicator of steering clear.

In this instance with everything else I would run as quickly as possible and keep running. As someone else has said he strikes me as the kind of person who wont take it well either.

Yes, lots of red flags! I would step away, BUT I would consider doing a Claire’s law because I think there’s almost certainly more to the perpetrator course than he’s letting on. And I think I would want all the facts available to plan my exit. It’s possible he might turn violent or stalkerish. He’s already convinced himself there’s more to your relationship with your ex than he’s happy with and said that his imagination runs away with him. I’d be very cautious, OP.

Get out. You're starting to get addicted to his drama and boy, there is a hell of a lot of it. In 4 months!
Please do yourself a huge favour, and your kids and chuck him in the bin before get sucked in any more. Take care OP.

Jesus fucking wept. Please do NOT do this to your children, sooner or later he will ruin their lives.

Don't do it to yourself either. Just move on.

It's none of your business that he gets on with the mother of his children. Sounds like you're insecure and he's acting like a decent adult.

Drop this pathetic sack of potatoes.

So many red flags in one man.
The crazy ex.
The DV course.
Forcing the kids to meet.
He lives with his mother.
You have got through a divorce but have managed a cordial link with your ex. Don’t ruin that with chaos.
The constant texting is worrying and the demands about who you can be around and in touch with.
If you carry on you are in for a world of pain.
You have 4 wonderful children to put first. Do that.