Is new bf a red flag?

[Etoile1]

Single mum, fully divorced and single for most part of 2 years(few dates).4 children between 17 and 11.
I have been dating a guy for nearly 4 months.We met on an app.He is separated with 2 children (12 and 7)the 12 year old struggles with ADHD and behaviour.
On starting the relationship he disclosed he lived in a cabin he built at the end of the garden in marital home.He parents 50/50.The living arrangements weren't ideal to me but I saw past it.
Within about a month of us dating he told his wife about me and she had a big reaction.Took a knife to his clothes, burnt his documents and photo's etc and the police were called.He has since moved in with his mum and he told police he wanted to pursue it and she was arrested and now on bail and not allowed to communicate with him.She told the police he was controlling etc for years and he is the abusive one.He maintains it is all her and he went on a course for perpetrators of domestic abusive previously because she told him to.
I probably should of stepped away at this point.

Fast forward and we have had some amazing time spent together but red flags are now starting to appear.
He has always wanted the relationship to move quickly, wanted our kids to meet etc.Mine would not be interested in this and it is way too soon.My children know I have a boyfriend and seen him in passing but my older son does not like it.I have said that I want to take things slow and spend free time together keeping kids etc out of it.Potentially for a very long time, he would move alot quicker if he had his way.
He appears insecure and anxious and admits this,several times he questions my text communication.Would happily text all day every day and if I am busy with work etc or with kids I am questioned about being distant etc.If he doesn't hear from me for a few hours he has been anxious and he said his mind runs away....apparently his wife used to cheat.
I have a healthy coparenting relationship with ex husband and amicably friends.Bf has said before he thinks ex has alterior motives for being friendly to eachother.Once he was upset because he bought me some new dungarees and he was upset my ex saw me in them before him because I dropped off the kids.Recently he has been upset that my coparent gave me a free gym code to use once a week so I don't have to pay a monthly membership. I had some gravel delivered for the garden and I borrowed my exes wheelbarrow instead of using my boyfriends and the ex also looked at an outside tap for me that wouldn't work.He said I am hurtful to him by doing these things, I don't validate his feelings, he is shocked by me, I need to take full accountability and apologise and consider his feelings etc.
He also struggles with his son's behaviour and quite often makes it about his feelings and not his sons.He has described previously that he verbally 'laid into' his son etc and when I express concern about this he doesn't like it.
Very long winded I know but I am really thinking this is more hassle than it is worth.I have come out of the otherside of my divorce and perhaps I am silly to sign up for this hassle and potentially unhealthy relationship? Any kind feed back or thoughts.I am in peri at the mo and worrying I am not seeing this situation for what it is with the health/hormonal ups and downs too.

Get out before you get sucked in even deeper.
Just do it.
Bin him …, this weekend.

I imagine that he's a charming, convincing guy otherwise you'd not type out all that and still think it had potential. This is not 'potentially unhealthy'. It's crazy littered with huge warning signs you can not yet fully appreciate.
Imagine that a few years down the line he's describing you like that. It doesn't matter if true or not, he'll make it true. Or imagine, if at all true, that he'll make you feel this crazy.
I have studied personality disorders for literal survival at one point this is the kind of situation that you get away from. Or forever look back at this time as the stage that things should have been left at.

1. rushing intimacy, to stop you from being able to have time to evaluate things healthily. Future faking.
2. bad mouthing the ex, in quite a severe way
3. pity ploy is a huge favourite with narcissists and psychopaths (living in the garden, he's a poor guy who means well and is simply being mistreated
4. 'insecure and anxious' along with the rest of the red flags is not the time for 'aww, you poor thing'. It WILL ruin your life.
5. 'He said I am hurtful to him by doing these things, I don't validate his feelings, he is shocked by me, I need to take full accountability and apologise and consider his feelings etc'. TEXTBOOK shedding of accountability, inability to regulate which will result in you apologizing for things you have every right to be mad about.
6. already trying to make himself the sole center of your life and isolate you from others, badmouthing YOUR ex.
7. Don't ever tell him any of the above. You'll receive the mindfuck of your life.

Don't for a second think that it's you being hormonal, let alone let him suggest that. You will have way bigger problems if you dismiss all of the above.

Something else to look out for this time when it comes to you. Your own mental blocks.
'This will never happen to me, I'm too clued in'. If you were even a little bit lucky in life then no, you won't be clued in and yes it can happen to anyone.
'I can explore this a bit more and stop when it gets really bad'. Don't underappreaciate the boiling frog effect. The changes will be incremental you won't even know until you've lost everyone including yourself and your happiness. Besides, a big damage can happen in a very short amount of time. Just look at you now. 4 months in a you're writing a huge paragraph seemingly ignoring huge obvious red flags. That's not because of hope or love. It's because of crazy nonsense he already managed to sell as normal.

I wish you luck OP. Leave it alone. This is way too messy.

4 months! The first year is supposed to be the good bit and you've had all this in 4 months!

Before you know it he will have moved in and you'll be a shell of yourself.

I'd just send a text telling him you don't want to see him anymore and block. He might not go easy though as he has plans to move in.

Hahahhahaha!!

But yes, what a mess OP. “Blended families” almost never end well and this one definitely won’t.

Another thing to consider. Imagine that he did go on a course for domestic abusers. I don't think that this is a lie. He's just hoping you'll pay attention to the woe is me first and foremost.
His life has already got to that point where the authorities had to intervene in this way yet he thinks it was unnecessary. The authorities deemed in necessary yet he doesn't. He is still in complete denial about what and who he is. And about the actions he commits.
What are YOU going to do when the time comes where you'll absolutely need him to change (never going to happen btw). To face himself. With his complete inability or willingness to assess himself acurately. The authorities didn't get him to change his personality because, well, it's the only one he's got. You'll be on your own.

He’s red flag central. Ask the police for a Claire’s law disclosure and you’ll soon have a reality check which may help you to walk away. I’d then recommend completing the freedom programme and reading the book why does he do that.

Christ get rid of him. He’s a walking red flag. Don’t let this man anywhere near your children. He’s a potential cocklodger, then he won’t want you speaking to your ex, then he’ll isolate you from friends and family. You deserve better.

Run.
Delete and block..

Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the wee donkey.

DUMP HIM.

Job done.

Has anyone, ever VOLUNTARILY gone on a Domestic Abusers Course?

I highly doubt it.

You know what to do.

Red flags on fire. Get rid.

That stuff about his wife destroying his clothes, police called etc - is that something you know 'of your own knowledge'? Or were you told?

Either way, he is showing more red flags than a red flag factory, Life is too short.

The red flags are insane. Run

Also 'never give a bed for the night to a man who hasn't got one of his own.'

Your gut is there for a reason. Run like the wind

You’ve been seeing this guy for only FOUR MONTHS??? Run for the proverbial hills OP!!!!

Yes massive red flags all over the place.
And by the way, people don’t go on domestic abuse courses because their partner asked them to. They do it because it’s been part of a court order. So I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a criminal record involving domestic abuse. I’d be looking into that.

Definitely more hassle than it's worth.

Hi, I’m an IDVA. It isn’t possible to go on a perpetrators program because a partner told you to - it has to be court ordered, and a prerequisite is that the perp admits that they are a perp. At the very least you should be doing a Clare’s Law request, but this alone would be enough to make me leave.

People don’t go on a domestic abuse courses unless they have to. It’s not like he’s spending a Saturday in a village hall making a Christmas wreath with a glass of Prosecco and a mince pie. I reckon if you did a Clare’s Law request you’d find out he’s been telling you falsehoods and half truths. I suggest you do, because if you end it (and I hope you do), the police may be able to offer support to ensure it’s done as safely as possible.

You need to get rid of him immediately, do it today, and don’t think that it will be easy. You’re clearly dating a perpetrator and he is very skilled at what he does. There’s a book you should get called Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. It’s short and very easy to read. I have always said it should be read in schools. But there’s a lot of men like this around and we need to be aware.

Block. Delete. Who needs that in their life

Not a red flag - it's a whole street of red flags. Run for the hills. No good will come of your relationship with this man.

Awful

do a Clare's law check on him i bet it was him with the knife not his ex

He also struggles with his son's behaviour and quite often makes it about his feelings and not his sons. Based on what you've said here, he makes almost EVERYTHING about HIMSELF, always, at everyone else's expense.

He begrudges you saving the money for a gym membership because it comes from your ex - who (1) has it to give and might give it to nay friend and (2) quite reasonably wants his child's other parent to be well and healthy even if there's no other relationship between the two of you. He buys you a gift of clothing and then wants to dictate when and where you can wear it - to the extent that a specific person cannot SEE you in it? What if you'd run into your ex in the street; were you supposed to shriek and run off and change? As for the children meeting, you know he's wrong - if he's pushed you on this after the first clear no I would seriously wonder why.

He said I am hurtful to him by doing these things, I don't validate his feelings, he is shocked by me, I need to take full accountability and apologise and consider his feelings etc. But he doesn't have to do, or even acknowledge, any of this for you?

Whatever you decide to do about him, don't let him erode or destroy the good relationship you have with your coparent; he probably wants you just as adrift and disconnected as he is but that's not in your or your children's best interests at all.