Is new bf a red flag?

[Etoile1]

Single mum, fully divorced and single for most part of 2 years(few dates).4 children between 17 and 11.
I have been dating a guy for nearly 4 months.We met on an app.He is separated with 2 children (12 and 7)the 12 year old struggles with ADHD and behaviour.
On starting the relationship he disclosed he lived in a cabin he built at the end of the garden in marital home.He parents 50/50.The living arrangements weren't ideal to me but I saw past it.
Within about a month of us dating he told his wife about me and she had a big reaction.Took a knife to his clothes, burnt his documents and photo's etc and the police were called.He has since moved in with his mum and he told police he wanted to pursue it and she was arrested and now on bail and not allowed to communicate with him.She told the police he was controlling etc for years and he is the abusive one.He maintains it is all her and he went on a course for perpetrators of domestic abusive previously because she told him to.
I probably should of stepped away at this point.

Fast forward and we have had some amazing time spent together but red flags are now starting to appear.
He has always wanted the relationship to move quickly, wanted our kids to meet etc.Mine would not be interested in this and it is way too soon.My children know I have a boyfriend and seen him in passing but my older son does not like it.I have said that I want to take things slow and spend free time together keeping kids etc out of it.Potentially for a very long time, he would move alot quicker if he had his way.
He appears insecure and anxious and admits this,several times he questions my text communication.Would happily text all day every day and if I am busy with work etc or with kids I am questioned about being distant etc.If he doesn't hear from me for a few hours he has been anxious and he said his mind runs away....apparently his wife used to cheat.
I have a healthy coparenting relationship with ex husband and amicably friends.Bf has said before he thinks ex has alterior motives for being friendly to eachother.Once he was upset because he bought me some new dungarees and he was upset my ex saw me in them before him because I dropped off the kids.Recently he has been upset that my coparent gave me a free gym code to use once a week so I don't have to pay a monthly membership. I had some gravel delivered for the garden and I borrowed my exes wheelbarrow instead of using my boyfriends and the ex also looked at an outside tap for me that wouldn't work.He said I am hurtful to him by doing these things, I don't validate his feelings, he is shocked by me, I need to take full accountability and apologise and consider his feelings etc.
He also struggles with his son's behaviour and quite often makes it about his feelings and not his sons.He has described previously that he verbally 'laid into' his son etc and when I express concern about this he doesn't like it.
Very long winded I know but I am really thinking this is more hassle than it is worth.I have come out of the otherside of my divorce and perhaps I am silly to sign up for this hassle and potentially unhealthy relationship? Any kind feed back or thoughts.I am in peri at the mo and worrying I am not seeing this situation for what it is with the health/hormonal ups and downs too.

Right, he was living in a cabin in the garden of his marital home when you met him. He has previously done a course for the perpetrators of abuse, but apparently that was because his wife was abusive and made him do the course.

Then he tells his wife about you, she goes crazy with a knife and destroys his clothes, then burns his documents and photos etc. The police are called and she is arrested, but is now out on bail and is not allowed to communicate with him.

Yet she, the knife-wielding abusive pyromaniac who ended up getting arrested, is the one who the police are allowing to live with the children in the family home, and he's had to leave his shed and is staying with his parents.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something about his story of innocence that doesn't stack up...

speak to your ex husband and tell him about the situation. He has a right to know because of his kids, but also, it could be helpful to have the kids with him for a couple of days and you maybe treat yourself to a few nights away. That way you aren’t at home if he gets annoyed. This is probably an overreaction but I think best be overly cautious, especially where kids are involved

Probably an over reaction? Probably??

op, don’t do this, seriously. Your ex is your ex and it’s utterly ludicrous to suggest run to your ex and make out the kids are in danger,

Well done and good luck.

She wouldn’t be ‘running to her ex’ if she just had the kids stay with him and went somewhere alone for a bit. The kids could potentially be in danger, did you miss the bit where he’s been on a dv course for perpetrators?

She’s done a Claire’s law request on the guy, scared of his reaction to ending the relationship and he went on a course that people attend because of domestic violence but you think he sounds like a good chap? And she has said that her ex husband is a great guy that still helps her out.
I never said make out the kids are in danger, I said make him aware of the situation and leave this kids with him. Imagine being able to leave your kids with their dad… crazy

I’d just be straight. “I’m sorry Bob but I’ve decided this is all a bit too intense for me. Wishing you all the best with the future and the crazy ex wife but I have to put myself and my kids first and so I’m bowing out, I hope you understand”.

In text. Or by phone.

Don’t agree to meet him in person. You don’t owe anyone that could be a risk to you that.

“No I won’t be doing that”. If he umm and awes then “Mate, it was a four month thing not a wedding engagement. There’s no need to meet in person. I’m sorry break ups are rough. But that’s that. Wishing you all the best. I think it best we don’t keep in touch, Sandra”. Then screenshot it (incase it’s needed as proof for the police or anything) and then block him once he has read it.

If he shows up at your house, don’t answer the door.

Yes he's a walking red flag. 4 months in you should still be drifting round in a pink haze.
Run girl! Find yourself a better man.

Probably best to walk away while you can! Do a Claires law so you know what you are dealing with before you finish completely (when you end a relationship can be a dangerous time if he's got form). Always be wary of a man with a "crazy x" too - I wonder if he's projecting his behaviour back on to her? If its been "amazing" in 3 months do you think its been a bit intense - could you have been love bombed?

I think this is an excellent idea.

The overreaction is yours. Maybe you should read what was actually said 🙄

And you should look up the statistics of women being harmed by men they are trying to free themselves of. The most dangerous time in a woman's life is leaving a jealous male freak

Ditch him! Please be safe.

Also just want to add that it’s really hard to go on a domestic abuse perpetrator programme - it’s not like signing up to a hour long webinar! In the sense they don’t sign people up who aren’t clearly dangerous unhealthy individuals and they are intense pieces of work because of how risky people are! Please don’t expose your kids to this loser and stay safe. Seek support from those around you before ditching him though as he sounds unhinged!

This comment is from a man (sorry)
RUN FOR THE HILLS !!!!!

At four months into a relationship you should still be at the butterflies and magic stage. Not the is XYZ red flags. If you are seeing even a pale pink flag at 4 months you need to run.

@Brightlittlecanary My ex husband and the father of our son drove right there and then to collect us from my new boyfriends house when the new guy went into a controlling psycho mode.
The very fact that I could call on him meant that we got away unscathed.

Quite a few years have passed since then, boyfriends have been and gone but my ex is still a present father to our DS, he does tip runs for me and in return I'll be redoing his bathroom silicone this weekend 😀

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

OP you appear very sensible and switched on. Save yourself future misery and bin this man. I wouldn't even give an explanation, I'd just block and delete. Ghost.

This isn't quite true. Some DVPPs are on a self-refer basis and offered as an early intervention. Most often to people where there have been police call outs and social services have become involved, but it doesn't necessarily mean there has been violence. However if things have got bad enough for the police to be called, there is absolutely the potential that if there hasn't already been violence, things could escalate, which is what some programmes are designed to prevent.

Oh honey, run! The reason he wants it to go so fast is that he's living in a shack at the bottom of someone's garden! He needs somewhere to live. The domestic abuse thing would have made me run by now.

He's absolutely showing red flags.
You're four months in. Sack him off and show your kids it's okay to want better for yourself.

Honestly if you want the tough love the bit where you talk about police being called, abuse allegations etc then go ‘I probably should have stepped away’. Yes you should have. I think it’s amazing you have kept your kids away from this man but being involved in a situation like this is still putting your kids at risk. Run. A. Mile. For their sakes and for you

I think you’ve replied to the wrong person.

😂

I did but when I realised I couldn’t change it! 😫

Way too much drama after four months.

As for the abuse, these things can be complicated and not always a straightforward victim/perp - it can absolutely be a situation of two people trying to destroy each other. So you don’t need to believe he is lying about his wife, to also recognise he could be equally/more culpable.

I’d probably try to let him down gently in case he turns out to be a real nutcase though. Good you emailed the PC.