Is new bf a red flag?

[Etoile1]

Single mum, fully divorced and single for most part of 2 years(few dates).4 children between 17 and 11.
I have been dating a guy for nearly 4 months.We met on an app.He is separated with 2 children (12 and 7)the 12 year old struggles with ADHD and behaviour.
On starting the relationship he disclosed he lived in a cabin he built at the end of the garden in marital home.He parents 50/50.The living arrangements weren't ideal to me but I saw past it.
Within about a month of us dating he told his wife about me and she had a big reaction.Took a knife to his clothes, burnt his documents and photo's etc and the police were called.He has since moved in with his mum and he told police he wanted to pursue it and she was arrested and now on bail and not allowed to communicate with him.She told the police he was controlling etc for years and he is the abusive one.He maintains it is all her and he went on a course for perpetrators of domestic abusive previously because she told him to.
I probably should of stepped away at this point.

Fast forward and we have had some amazing time spent together but red flags are now starting to appear.
He has always wanted the relationship to move quickly, wanted our kids to meet etc.Mine would not be interested in this and it is way too soon.My children know I have a boyfriend and seen him in passing but my older son does not like it.I have said that I want to take things slow and spend free time together keeping kids etc out of it.Potentially for a very long time, he would move alot quicker if he had his way.
He appears insecure and anxious and admits this,several times he questions my text communication.Would happily text all day every day and if I am busy with work etc or with kids I am questioned about being distant etc.If he doesn't hear from me for a few hours he has been anxious and he said his mind runs away....apparently his wife used to cheat.
I have a healthy coparenting relationship with ex husband and amicably friends.Bf has said before he thinks ex has alterior motives for being friendly to eachother.Once he was upset because he bought me some new dungarees and he was upset my ex saw me in them before him because I dropped off the kids.Recently he has been upset that my coparent gave me a free gym code to use once a week so I don't have to pay a monthly membership. I had some gravel delivered for the garden and I borrowed my exes wheelbarrow instead of using my boyfriends and the ex also looked at an outside tap for me that wouldn't work.He said I am hurtful to him by doing these things, I don't validate his feelings, he is shocked by me, I need to take full accountability and apologise and consider his feelings etc.
He also struggles with his son's behaviour and quite often makes it about his feelings and not his sons.He has described previously that he verbally 'laid into' his son etc and when I express concern about this he doesn't like it.
Very long winded I know but I am really thinking this is more hassle than it is worth.I have come out of the otherside of my divorce and perhaps I am silly to sign up for this hassle and potentially unhealthy relationship? Any kind feed back or thoughts.I am in peri at the mo and worrying I am not seeing this situation for what it is with the health/hormonal ups and downs too.

Please get out of this now before it becomes a major issue. You and your kids deserve to be safe and from what you've said, this man does not seem likely to be a safe person. Better single than in a horrible controlling relationship. You deserve happiness and your kids deserve security as a bare minimum.

Could you chase the police disclosure? Explain you need to end the relationship and need to know how to protect yourself and your family.

Otherwise, simple and clear ‘this isn’t working for me and I am ending the relationship. I wish you well’

You don’t need to explain and don’t need to give ways in for him to try and change your mind.

You should know you are being an idiot right up on the surface, not deep down

🙄 How helpful you are. You should go into motivational coaching.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Just came here to say....no-one falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to live!! All my exes ex girlfriends were psychopaths allegedly.....nope, turns out it was all him!

Christ.

All this after 4 months is psychotic.

Don’t allow this psycho into your children’s lives FFS.

Work on your self esteem. You need to know indefinitely that this is a disaster waiting to happen. There should be nothing “deep down” about it you should be running for the fucking hills!!!

Nope nope nope

Please read this: www.med.unc.edu/beacon/wp-content/uploads/sites/598/2018/03/redflagabusivepersonality.pdf

Jesus... I remember nearly falling for a very similar pile of 💩.

Every waking hour, or whenever I had a day off, he wanted to meet up after work. He drip-fed bits of information about his ex and kids, then eventually admitted he only had supervised visits. 😬 He was always trying to stay at mine too. The more we talked, the more I realised he had nowhere to go. He was sleeping on the sofa at his mums and didn’t sound like she wanted him there anyway….God, I can't even remember how I eventually binned him off, it was years ago, but your post instantly reminded me of him!

I know when you're in the middle of it, it's hard to see things clearly. But once you've typed it all out, it hits differently. Read your post back to yourself and ask yourself what you'd tell a friend if they'd written it.
You don't need validation from a load of strangers because, deep down, I think you already know exactly what you need to do.

Why would you willingly bring that much drama and stress into your life? There are plenty of decent guys out there. But sometimes you've got to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince. ✌🏻🐸👑

Do Clare’s law on him. I bet it would be interesting…

The story about the dungarees on its own is enough of a reason to end the relationship

Run is all I have to say. Just run!

F

It's tempting to block him, but that could possibly frustrate and enrage him, as he'd have no easy outlet for those feelings.

Also, giving him the ability to still message you gives you the evidence for a harassment charge if he keeps contacting you. Then you can get the police can get involved.

What was the outcome of the request?

I’m not suprised he wants to move fast. He lives in a shed.

he wants to move in together and slowly the control will happen and you won’t be able to do anything as he will be under your roof.

People don’t go on domestic violence courses without cause or reason.

she also sounds bat sh!t.

leave for the sake of your children.

Enough red flags to make bunting.

trust your gut. Not worth your peace.

Form an orderly queue, ladies.

They emailed me and took further details, told me not to tell anyone that I had made the request as it could put myself or others at risk if he has a history of abuse and DV.Said they will get back to me within 28days.

This stuff about the wheel barrow and using the gym code all started last night.I told him today I needed space but I am obviously going to have to bite the bullet and text to end things.
I might email the PC in contact with me to make her aware.

he went on a course for perpetrators of domestic abusive previously because she told him to.

Sounds unlikely.

Yeah that's a sensible idea. Maybe ask them to expedite things so you can break up safely.

I have found the course in question online, you can self refer but it states that you have to recognise your behaviour to join the course and want to change it.It is the course that the authorities use and is definitely for perpetrators.

I have emailed the PC

Good plan to email the police officer, OP, and make them aware. Make your message to your STBX very brief and factual: This isn't working. Let's call it a day. Please don't contact me again. Then block him everywhere. Don't let him have any window of opportunity to wheedle his way back in. If he turns up at your house, don't open the door, and if he won't leave, call 999.