Is new bf a red flag?

[Etoile1]

Single mum, fully divorced and single for most part of 2 years(few dates).4 children between 17 and 11.
I have been dating a guy for nearly 4 months.We met on an app.He is separated with 2 children (12 and 7)the 12 year old struggles with ADHD and behaviour.
On starting the relationship he disclosed he lived in a cabin he built at the end of the garden in marital home.He parents 50/50.The living arrangements weren't ideal to me but I saw past it.
Within about a month of us dating he told his wife about me and she had a big reaction.Took a knife to his clothes, burnt his documents and photo's etc and the police were called.He has since moved in with his mum and he told police he wanted to pursue it and she was arrested and now on bail and not allowed to communicate with him.She told the police he was controlling etc for years and he is the abusive one.He maintains it is all her and he went on a course for perpetrators of domestic abusive previously because she told him to.
I probably should of stepped away at this point.

Fast forward and we have had some amazing time spent together but red flags are now starting to appear.
He has always wanted the relationship to move quickly, wanted our kids to meet etc.Mine would not be interested in this and it is way too soon.My children know I have a boyfriend and seen him in passing but my older son does not like it.I have said that I want to take things slow and spend free time together keeping kids etc out of it.Potentially for a very long time, he would move alot quicker if he had his way.
He appears insecure and anxious and admits this,several times he questions my text communication.Would happily text all day every day and if I am busy with work etc or with kids I am questioned about being distant etc.If he doesn't hear from me for a few hours he has been anxious and he said his mind runs away....apparently his wife used to cheat.
I have a healthy coparenting relationship with ex husband and amicably friends.Bf has said before he thinks ex has alterior motives for being friendly to eachother.Once he was upset because he bought me some new dungarees and he was upset my ex saw me in them before him because I dropped off the kids.Recently he has been upset that my coparent gave me a free gym code to use once a week so I don't have to pay a monthly membership. I had some gravel delivered for the garden and I borrowed my exes wheelbarrow instead of using my boyfriends and the ex also looked at an outside tap for me that wouldn't work.He said I am hurtful to him by doing these things, I don't validate his feelings, he is shocked by me, I need to take full accountability and apologise and consider his feelings etc.
He also struggles with his son's behaviour and quite often makes it about his feelings and not his sons.He has described previously that he verbally 'laid into' his son etc and when I express concern about this he doesn't like it.
Very long winded I know but I am really thinking this is more hassle than it is worth.I have come out of the otherside of my divorce and perhaps I am silly to sign up for this hassle and potentially unhealthy relationship? Any kind feed back or thoughts.I am in peri at the mo and worrying I am not seeing this situation for what it is with the health/hormonal ups and downs too.

I am going to end it but just trying to decide how to word a text to cause the least drama from him.My ex knows nothing about any of it but he would definitely be supportive and would want me and the kids safe.

Exactly this.

Unless you want to be in a toxic relationship, end it today.

This 100%

It's four months. It's as simple as "Ive enjoyed out time together but i don't want to continue this relationship. I dont want to talk about it, there's nothing wrong and nothing to fix. All you need to know is that its over and i dont want you to contact me."

So "you should validate my feelings" = "you should do whatever I say"?

Bin off anyone who tries to tell you that their feelings should dictate your actions.

I think his ex wife is correct - he was controlling and abusive and not that I’m condoning her behaviour destroying his things, but I suspect he was stringing her along when he was in the cabin at the end of the garden and finding out about you was a big shock.

Honestly, run for your life! Upset because your ex saw you in the new new dungarees? Upset you are busy and can’t text him all day long? Upset you used your ex’s wheelbarrow? These are massive red flags!!

Giant Red Flag.

Hope you're okay. Absolutely text him, as another said, thanks for the times but I dont see a future.

Not sure I buy the ‘crazy ex’ story.

just send a short text ‘I don’t wish to continue this relationship, wish you all the best for the future. There’s nothing to discuss so please don’t contact me’

It’s amazing that they get on, I never said it wasn’t - try to read my post properly, take your time if you need to. Not insecure at all.

Huge red flags, do you even know for sure he has his kids 50/50 or that his ex actually did those things or do you only know what he has told you?

Even if that stuff is true there are way too many red flags regardless, he sounds like a nightmare.

Posters who've had experience of ending relationships with this type of man, will you help OP with what to expect once she's told him it's over?

Quite often - threats of taking his own life as he can't live without her
Turning up at her home or work with flowers etc
Telling her he's become homeless through no fault of his own, can he stay a couple of days at hers as friends while he sorts himself out

More?

Run.

I think you've realised that you need to end this relationship.

The most important thing is to do it safely.

As others have said, don't do it face-to-face - it could potentially be dangerous.
Write him a text.

Tell him that you're sorry, but you have realised you aren't ready for a relationship, and you need some time to 'work on yourself'. Ask him to please not message you, or come round, while you do that.

This wording 'puts the blame' on you, it's not a criticism of him. So hopefully he won't initially get very angry.

If he does message you, you can again tell him not to. If he continues, then you can report him for harassment.

Make sure you keep doors and windows locked, and in fact change the door locks in case he's got a key.

Good luck, @Etoile1 💐

See my post at 15.25pm for wording ...

Not good signs. Cut your losses and leave now.

He went on a course to potentially hide the fact he is also one or the wife is unhinged. Either way you are here because you know in your gut that you need to run and never look back! Good luck OP. 👍

He sounds unhinged! Do you have a smoke detector in your hallway/near your letter box?

End things very carefully, taking advice about your safety

Please change your locks asap. End it and do not get into any back and forth. Block on everything.

"'Bob', I've been giving this a great deal of thought and I have decided that our relationship isn't working for me, so I'm calling 'time' on it. My decision is final and there is no need for discussion so please don't contact me. I wish you the very best going forward and hope you meet the right woman for you soon".

Simple and to the point. Also contains polite language that further contact is unwelcome in case he becomes 'persistent' so you can contact the police if he doesn't stop after ONE "I asked you not to contact me".

Sounds as if he's one of those 'poor unfortunates' who has a 'crazy ex-wife' and wants a 'nanny with a fanny' to move in with and do his parenting duties. I wouldn't believe 1/10th of what he's said about his ex.. You've made the right decision to end things.

Very serious post but I love that turn of phrase lmao

He's actually the living embodiment of a red flag, wow. With the ex alone I'd disengage just to keep these people away from my kids and their home: Anyone comfortable with destroying property like that won't think twice about torching the house or something if they hear about a relationship getting more serious.

Yes along with threats of violence and any kind of unhinged behaviour you can think of. This is why I suggested waiting for the details of Claire’s law and contacting women’s aid if necessary to discuss a leaving plan. I wouldn’t want to leave this man without everything ready like ring doorbells, emergency contacts who are aware of the situation etc.

This.

Very long winded I know but I am really thinking this is more hassle than it is worth.

I'm surprised it's taken you 4 months to come to that conclusion tbh.

You know what you have to do. For your sake and the sake of your kids.