Is new bf a red flag?

[Etoile1]

Single mum, fully divorced and single for most part of 2 years(few dates).4 children between 17 and 11.
I have been dating a guy for nearly 4 months.We met on an app.He is separated with 2 children (12 and 7)the 12 year old struggles with ADHD and behaviour.
On starting the relationship he disclosed he lived in a cabin he built at the end of the garden in marital home.He parents 50/50.The living arrangements weren't ideal to me but I saw past it.
Within about a month of us dating he told his wife about me and she had a big reaction.Took a knife to his clothes, burnt his documents and photo's etc and the police were called.He has since moved in with his mum and he told police he wanted to pursue it and she was arrested and now on bail and not allowed to communicate with him.She told the police he was controlling etc for years and he is the abusive one.He maintains it is all her and he went on a course for perpetrators of domestic abusive previously because she told him to.
I probably should of stepped away at this point.

Fast forward and we have had some amazing time spent together but red flags are now starting to appear.
He has always wanted the relationship to move quickly, wanted our kids to meet etc.Mine would not be interested in this and it is way too soon.My children know I have a boyfriend and seen him in passing but my older son does not like it.I have said that I want to take things slow and spend free time together keeping kids etc out of it.Potentially for a very long time, he would move alot quicker if he had his way.
He appears insecure and anxious and admits this,several times he questions my text communication.Would happily text all day every day and if I am busy with work etc or with kids I am questioned about being distant etc.If he doesn't hear from me for a few hours he has been anxious and he said his mind runs away....apparently his wife used to cheat.
I have a healthy coparenting relationship with ex husband and amicably friends.Bf has said before he thinks ex has alterior motives for being friendly to eachother.Once he was upset because he bought me some new dungarees and he was upset my ex saw me in them before him because I dropped off the kids.Recently he has been upset that my coparent gave me a free gym code to use once a week so I don't have to pay a monthly membership. I had some gravel delivered for the garden and I borrowed my exes wheelbarrow instead of using my boyfriends and the ex also looked at an outside tap for me that wouldn't work.He said I am hurtful to him by doing these things, I don't validate his feelings, he is shocked by me, I need to take full accountability and apologise and consider his feelings etc.
He also struggles with his son's behaviour and quite often makes it about his feelings and not his sons.He has described previously that he verbally 'laid into' his son etc and when I express concern about this he doesn't like it.
Very long winded I know but I am really thinking this is more hassle than it is worth.I have come out of the otherside of my divorce and perhaps I am silly to sign up for this hassle and potentially unhealthy relationship? Any kind feed back or thoughts.I am in peri at the mo and worrying I am not seeing this situation for what it is with the health/hormonal ups and downs too.

Glad to hear you’re ending it.

Gently, OP, it’s worrying how long you kept seeing him. He is not a red flag - he’s a whole carnival of them.

I agree with others saying he was rushing to move in with you. Please dump him safely. Get a camera if you think he will pester you.

You are right to protect your children from ‘dates’. Wait a long, long time before introducing them. Maybe keep dates away from your home completely until you know them much better. Please take things slowly and value yourself highly next time.

Just give him nothing to argue with.

I dont feel this is working out. Don't discuss details with him.

Expect him to come knocking on your door, possibly several times. Don't answer.

Google narcissistic hoovering.

And be thankful you dodged a huge headfuck of a bullet.

If you have to ask the question whether something is a red flag then you already have your answer.

A man who is upset because your ex sees you in your new dungarees before he does is properly unhinged. That is just not the behaviour of a normal person.

I was in an abusive marriage for 15 years. This was then followed by another traumatic relationship that went on for 3 years. 18 whole precious years wasted! I vowed after the second relationship ended that I would NEVER ignore red flags again, and I’m proud to say I never have. At the first sign, off you fuck. I’m
not interested in fixing problems, saving people, prioritising anyone else. I may even have been too quick to chop fellas out of my life but it served me well. When I met my now current partner, he never demonstrated anything other than big old green flags 😄 and 8 years later, he still has only ever made my life easier, more pleasant, funnier, happier, nicer and more comfortable. Never once made anything harder, more difficult, awkward or gave me a moment’s worry.

Life is WAY too short to waste even a week on the wrong person. Get rid.

I think you know yourself that there is no future in this relationship

“He is separated”
First red flag - don’t bother with anyone who isn’t divorced. There are an awful lot of men on dating sites who just want a mistress or a friend with benefits.

“he lived in a cabin he built at the end of the garden in marital home.”
Second red flag - he is still enmeshed with his wife.

“[Wife] Took a knife to his clothes, burnt his documents and photo's etc and the police were called.”
So you have a psycho ex wife in the mix.

“He has since moved in with his mum ”
Another red flag. Do you really want to be with someone who is a parent and father and has nowhere to go other than his mother’s?

“ he went on a course for perpetrators of domestic abusive previously because she told him to.”
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

“He appears insecure and anxious and admits this”
So he has MH issues

He clearly has a problem with your ex, with whom you are able to maintain a civilised relationship for the sake of the DC. He doesn’t like this because it is in stark contrast to his relationship with his not even ex wife.

He “verbally laid into his son” - and he’ll do the same to you if you stick around long enough.

“I am really thinking this is more hassle than it is worth”
And you’re not wrong. Just look at the list - and this is after a mere four months. Be thankful you are not married to this needy, aggressive man. This one is most emphatically not a keeper.

“I am going to end it”
Well thank heavens for that. You are absolutely right to do so, and your DC will be happy, too.

I would have dumped him after the dungarees.

Some very good advice here, and I really like the wording of the message.

Glad you’re getting rid, he’s got more red flags than a communist street party!

PS I think it’s lovely for your kids that you and your ex get on so well and look out for each other ❤️

Bin him off and be glad you've seen his true colours now and not a year down the line.

I haven't read it all but don't feel I need to. I got as far as the dungarees.
He's needy, controlling and not good for you.

This is true - really think about the reasons you’re going to give him. Personally I’d lie through my teeth about stuff if necessary
.. .. parents need all your time as ill, children going through some trauma that’s going to take you hours and cash to sort out, you’re on the edge of a breakdown and therapy will be long and cost a fortune. Think outside the box and don’t make it HIS fault (even though it is) !

Looking at the comments so far I don’t think you really need me to say this but he’s more than a red flag it’s a red banner and a cocklodger
If you don’t end it he will keep pushing for the kids to meet he will ruin the relationship you have with your Ex I can actually imagine him turning up at your door in the next few weeks with his bags saying he can’t stay at his Mums no more it of course won’t be his fault I’d be running for the hills Good luck OP

Goodness OP - you have had good suggestions for neutral ways to end it but after that you have the work to do. You don’t have to have had a bad relationship to be vulnerable to controlling and dangerous man. This is one and has a whole loads of red flags. I would suggest you do the freedom course or read Bancroft book and study what worrying behaviours are as I feel like you are vulnerable because of your positive and rationalising approach.

Sorry but this isn’t a red flag - more like full bright crimson bunting blowing in the wind. He’s controlling and jealous - evident in the fact that he doesn’t like your relationship with your ex, even though it’s vital for good co-parenting. I think his ex is probably telling the truth going on what you’ve said. Sorry but this will only get worse. Run and don’t look back.

It's good that you recognise that this man's behaviour is not normal and you've made a Clare's Law request, this may take a little while to be processed.

I would completely put the blame on yourself when you end the relationship 'The relationship is not working. I can't give you the time and attention that you need. You would be better off finding someone who can give you the kind of relationship that you want, that person isn't me. Please don't contact me again, a clean break is needed for both of us'. Or words similar.

I would fully expect him to respond and possibly turn up on your doorstep. Install a Ring doorbell and/or cameras. Keep screenshots of any responses you may receive.

I think this suggested wording is just right.

I think it would also be a good idea to block him on your phone and social media immediately after sending the text. Do you have a ring doorbell and chain on your door?

Honestly @Latteapparel your first paragraph yes but the rest of what you've written......that's a you perspective on a you problem. Where kids are involved a positive relationship with an ex is achievement not a issue.

What on earth are you doing, you now know the ex wife was correct. He’s a domestic abuser and controlling. He’s ramping up to his old tricks and wants accommodation. End this,

This is excellent advice and good wording for your ending it text.

Take care @Etoile1 you are absolutely doing the right thing.

I haven’t read the full thread but note you are going to end it OP which seems sensible as he’s a walking red flag. I would still do a Claire’s law application so you know what sort of man you are dealing with here. If he plays you up and starts harassing you please go straight to the police.

And that’s how they pick their victims, they find the women who will take the abuse. The more you ta ke the worse it will get.

stop being scared. Stop deliberating, which ever you’re doing. It’s only been 4 months, just text him and tell him it’s over, not to contact you, it’s not him, it’s you, you want to be single and are not ready to be in a relationship.

this man doesn’t want you. This man wants free accommodation and someone he can control and abuse,

send the text/

You have 4 children and a good Ex, but you allow this lunatic near you?

Could he be any clearer?
4 months?

You desperately need to do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

To help protect yourself and your children from abusive lunatics.