I asked him out, he said yes now silence

[Jilly113]

After months of developing feelings for somebody I see on a regular basis (He works somewhere I have to frequent, a lot) I worked up the courage to ask him out today.

I asked if he was single and when he said yes I asked if he'd like to go for a drink together. He said yes. Great, I said, shall we swap numbers? I'll give you mine he said, so he did, then I text mine across.

I think it took him by surprise as I hadn't indicated that I liked him in that way. Anyway.

This was 10am this morning and he hasn't been in touch.

I know its hardly a week of silence after the fact but he's one of those people who use their phone constantly and upon reflection he didn't seem all that enthusiastic.

I feel a bit silly for being so direct and think I might have scared him off.

It's going to be so awkward seeing him now 😔

OP I work in a very male dominated industry and have lost count of how many men have asked me out and I’ve rejected them, simply because I don’t think office romances are a good thing even if they’re completely different departments.

I have never thought of them in a negative light and in fact I always find it a compliment that they’d have the guts to come and ask me.

No one has ever looked badly at someone just because they asked them out.

What I’m trying to say is that he is probably feeling a bit awkward because it doesn’t happen to him often but there’s nothing for you to feel bad about.
You’re an adult and was mature enough to ask for his number, you saw an opportunity and took it - if he’s not interested then so what, it’s not the end of the world.

You have nothing to feel embarrassed about.

If you see him just ask normal.
Hopefully he’ll have the balls to at least text you and say he’s not interested or something but if not then you know you’ve dodged a bullet.

Thank you 🥺

That's all I'd like at this point, a polite text to say he doesn't want to for whatever reason. The silence and avoiding me is what stings and feels a bit.. mean.

Winking and calling you darling… either he’s Sid James (for us oldies) or he’s Rylan and your gaydar’s malfunctioned.

dsis was always fancying gay men - she asked out the postman in spite of the earring and the micro shorts 😂

I like that verdict. He must be gay because otherwise he must be BLIND. I'm gorgeous 😂

Op if this is how he handles himself he doesn't sound ready to be dating in any meaningful way so I'm going to conclude that you've dodged a bullet here.

I’m not sure being rude about him is necessary.

This man was minding his own business at work, had someone request his number which he handed over as he is at work and wasn’t thinking straight, now he’s being gossiped about on the internet with women being rude about him.

If it was the other way round would you be happy?

He doesn’t have to text you or call you or talk to you. He asked for none of this. If he doesn’t get in touch that’s fine.

Absolutely tells you all you need to know. I had a first date the other day, he put me on the spot at the end of it asking if I wanted to go on a second date, I'm an awkward idiot so I said yes when I meant no, text him as soon as I got home apologising and explaining friend vibes only for me. All he needs to do, the fact that he's avoiding you instead just shows who he is immediately.

A male perspective:

I would be horrified if a woman at work, or connected with work, expressed an interest in me, no matter how I felt about them or how attracted I was to them.

I really wouldn't see anything other than the potential for awkwardness, embarrassment and, I suppose, in the absolute worst case being called in to HR.

Anything I said in the moment would just be a panic reaction to make the woman go away with minimum upset. It wouldn't be a thought out response and probably not what I really felt.

I know there are plenty of people, who meet their partners at work. There are also plenty of people, who think the whole idea of relationships at work is a minefield to be avoided.

You don't think that's a bit juvenile, and that an adult response would be that you didn't see yourself in a relationship with a colleague, so thanks, but you'll pass? I mean, why the 'panic'? People frequently meet their spouses/partners at work or via work, so being asked out by a colleague or someone you meet via work isn't exactly wildly unusual.

I feel as you do about colleague relationships, as my work is very important to me, and it's not a field with much potential for movement (so hard to get away from a situaition gone sour), but on the occasions I've been asked out by a colleague or work connection, I've just said that. No unpleasantness.

I completely agree about work romances being a minefield to be avoided.

I have had a couple men who have harassed me and it’s not been nice but I’ve also had multiple men at work who simply just ask me out.
I think there’s a big difference.

If there’s other people around I will always exchange numbers and text them later on to explain (don’t want to embarrass them) but although I am an awkward person I never feel horrified by it.

For many people, a work romance is absolutely fine and so I wouldn’t be offended or see it as inappropriate for someone to admit they find me attractive and wonder if I’d like to take things further.

It can make things a bit awkward but you sometimes just have to be mature enough to draw a line in it and carry on as normal.

I can appreciate why for some people work related dating is a blanket no. Lots of potential for things to go wrong. That's fair.

I just feel like if that's how he feels he should have just said that, or as PP mentioned, just follow up later on to retract the "yes"

Ghosting and avoiding somebody you have to see in a professional capacity for the foreseeable just feels messy and unnecessary when it could have been quickly dealt with and meant neither of us feel bad.

Now he feels like he has to avoid me - which by the way has completely put me off him anyway because one of my own 'blanket no' rules is men with avoidant tendencies.

Ah well, not to worry. On we move.

OP I think you should be proud of yourself that you put yourself out there and took a risk. He on the other hand should be ashamed not to be able to just politely decline.

I agree

Ah I’m sorry about this OP. Do you have to work with him all the time or are you able to avoid him? I think you should be very proud of yourself. You took a risk, it didn’t pay off but still, you did something really courageous!

In a perfect world, he would have either declined or later, could have sent a polite text to say ‘it’s better if we don’t’ but it seems that’s not his style. Fair enough! But you still did a cool thing. Onwards and upwards and all that.

I wonder if he is testing you to see how interested you are. Might be an ego thing. Either way, OP, it's best to stop beating yourself up and let the whole thing go.

Thanks all, that's where I'm at with it. I've deleted his number and have no intention of approaching him again. I will be polite in passing but that's the end of it.

In the unlikely event he did get in touch when he's off work I wouldn't be inclined to start anything now as at a minimum we have different communication styles.

He didn't have to tell her that he would message her later either, if he had no intention of doing so. He could have just given her his number and then messaged to say he'd had second thoughts and didn't want to mix work and relationships.

I wouldn't ghost someone I worked with and that I said I'd message, so there wouldn't be any 'other way round'. I have scuttled off and hid from boys before - just not since I was 15 and at secondary school.

These things happen. When I was in my 20s I had no shortage of guys liking me as I was very nice looking and was a nice person. I met someone and we seemed to get on really well and he eagerly exchanged numbers (no sex or anything, we met at a house party). I didn’t hear back so after about a week I thought I’d be brave so I gathered up all my courage and called him. He couldn’t have been less interested 🫣 I felt so embarrassed 😭 But then I thought oh well you’re not my type anyway. His name was Russell - I can still remember!! 😄

This man was at work minding his own business. He has no obligation to behave in any way that is deemed appropriate by anyone other than his boss.

OP was inappropriate by requesting they swap phone numbers right there.

In the future, if you really really must, the best way to approach this kind of situation is to give the man a piece of paper with your phone number and first name on it, say ‘I know this is awkward but I’ve obviously chatted with you a few times and would be open to going for a drink or something in the future if you want. Here’s my number but if I don’t hear anything from you that’s absolutely fine as I realise this isn’t appropriate or fair in your workplace’. Then walk off, leave him alone so he can digest that in peace. Then don’t go on Mumsnet and complain because he will have workmates who are here, and they will definitely tell him.

And don’t be bitter about it. Some of the comments here are bordering on bitter. Reverse the entire thread, ‘I see this woman at my work adjacent place, gave her my number, got hers, she said she’d call but she didn’t……anyway I’ve blocked her, imagine being so childish she could even reply to say no, how infantile, I’m better off without her’. These things have not specifically been said by OP but this is the tone of the thread. Sometimes this place is the direct opposite of the incel mentality that everyone hates.

Remember the opposite of love is not hate. It’s just indifference. Indifferent people just get on with it, they don’t block, they don’t look for reasons as to why he’s childish.

Bad luck with this guy OP, you are obviously not on the same page with each other WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY FINE.

There is an online dating thread in Relationships which you might like if you’re doing the apps?

Well yes he could have, but it’s likely he was taken by surprise. She even thinks that, it was not an in depth conversation.

Also the op asked him if he was single. He said yes, honest answer, she then said shall we go for a drink together, it would have been so awkward to say no. Of course he should have, but I can see how awkward it would have felt, and then she asked for his number, by which point he was stuck again saying no would have been awkward.

rhe easier way to do this would have been you single, yes me too, if you ever fancy having a drink let me know, we see each other around a lot. As it was he was put on the spot, and as much as of course he should have said no when she said shall we go for a drink, I can see why it would be awkward to do so when caught by surprise and not wishing to cause offence.

Are you sure the looking thing wasn’t just as you were looking at him and he was uncomfortable. Darling and a wink he likely does to everyone and I’d feel was more matey, as benny hill is long gone. Going the extra mile is just what some people do. He may have been nervous if he felt maybe you were staring or something, people don’t like that.

it does appear youve misread, but I do applaud your bravery.

Op, being concerned after 8 hours is unusual did you already suspect he wasn’t interested from the way he reacted, irrelevant of his words?

I can’t believe he’s gone and made things awkward like that. Ugh.
Like wtf. I mean it’s not like he is socially awkward if he was the way you described him before.

And after you were so brave asking him out too!

What the fuck #@!?#

Maybe he is gay xD but I think gay men would have more class somehow…

It’s bizarre how posters are castigating the man! He was probably rather taken aback to be asked “Are you single?” as the opening gambit.

I can see how someone would exchange numbers rather than tell a person to their face they’re not interested. And he was under no obligation whatsoever to text the OP. And he can hide if he wants to! He’s probably thinking it’s all really awkward.

Yes. Onwards and upwards OP. After all guys have been having to gather up courage to ask girls out for many years. Just be cordial and light if your paths cross again so it doesn’t look like it was a big deal.