Is my partner gay

[anon990]

I met a man about 3 months ago. We get on great. He’s out of a relationship 6 years now. He has been very lovey dovey from the start and has said I love you etc already. He is 32. He has a best friend who he is always talking about. They recently went on holiday and it looked like they were in the same bed I asked and he said it was two single beds they pushed together. This made me feel uncomfortable but he thought it was normal so I said nothing. I met his friend once and I said ‘nice to meet you I heard a lot about you’ his friend said ‘yeah he fancies me too hahaha’. Am I overthinking it?

Why wouldn’t she be brave enough to say that? There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship with a bi man. I wouldn’t either.

I don’t agree.

You’re either attracted to the opposite sex, same sex or both (or perhaps neither, in some cases). There’s no spectrum. There’s no “little bit gay” or “little bit bi” or “a smidge straight.”

Not being harsh! But I guess you overreact to this. A man and his friend being on the same bed isn't a problem until you catch them red-handed. Try to not over think this and move with your man. He praises you too with other friends, right? He is a real one!

Them too. In the case of womens bums. Its a waste hole with a perfectly designed other hole right next to it. Why would you play in a sewer pipe when there's a playground next door

“Most of the men I’ve dated / married have at some point or other experimented with the same sex.”
Which is fine, but it is a very small minority. Obviously you move in particular circles but the OP is looking for something different.

“close friends who are confident in their heterosexuality and aren’t homophobic wouldn’t care less about sleeping in nearby twin beds.”
This is different for men and women, women are much more likely to be ok with close proximity to other women than men are with other men. Think how few men you would be comfortable being that close to and that may explain why men don’t kike being that close to each other.

Its not homophobic for a woman to not want to be in a relationship with a man who sticks his penis in other men’s bums. It’s completely clear what the op is saying - she’s not bothered what other people do and she herself does not want to be intimate with a man who isn’t straight.

People need to stop this nonsense of guilt tripping women who don’t want to be with bi men because its illogical and offensive.

Its not homophobic for a woman to not want to be in a relationship with a man who sticks his penis in other men’s bums.

Are you saying the problem is anal sex, then?

Because presumably you know a lot of straight men will have done that with other women, right?

How are you auditing for that, when you meet a new partner? Do you just ask them if they've ever bummed a woman before and assume they'll tell you the truth?

Nobody needs to explain themselves in this regard. I can reject a sexual partner for any reason whatsoever. So can anyone.

Anything else is rapey.

Of course you can reject a partner for any reason you like. Nobody is saying you can’t. I have no problem with that whatsoever. I personally wouldn’t have asked you to justify it in the first place. But if someone spontaneously starts describing a partner’s possible previous anal sex as being the core tenet of their objection, then I kind of assume that’s something they’re happy to discuss.

I only asked the question because if you state that your objection boiled down to a man having (potentially) had anal sex but only if its with another man. Because obviously that is, by its very definition, a homophobic prejudice.

That’s fine - you don’t have to date a bisexual man if you don’t want to. And everyone has prejudices of one kind or another - there are plenty of men I wouldn’t touch with a barge-pole because I have innate prejudices about certain things. I just don’t think it helps anyone, including the holder of the prejudice, to deny that they’re prejudices, though.

I only asked the question because if you state that your objection boiled down to a man having (potentially) had anal sex but only if its with another man. Because obviously that is, by its very definition, a homophobic prejudice

I don't think it is. There's more to a sexual act then just the physicality. I have zero issue or even thoughts at all on men who have sex with other men...but I could not be in a sexual relationship with a man who had done that.

“Because obviously that is, by its very definition, a homophobic prejudice.”

If we are going to smear people by appealing to definitions let’s have a look:
“homophobia: harmful or unfair things a person does based on a fear or dislike of gay people or queer people”

So unless not having sex with someone is “harmful or unfair” then it is not homophobic.

Is it a prejudice? Well, yes to the extent any preference is a prejudice. If she wasn’t attracted to fat men, shy men, skinny men, overly muscular men, smokers, gregarious men, etc. But I do wonder if you were to hear a woman say she wasn’t in to really loud, out going, body-builder men who smoked you would describe that as “prejudice” or just accept it as a preference?

You refer to your own “prejudices” in this context but I wonder if you do so in everyday life, do you say “I am prejudiced against short men” when discussing your preferences? I suspect not.

Not sure why you have a problem with the very common preference of women choosing men who are straight?

Is he bi or experimenting yet to disclose to you
Of course in any tyoe of sexual relationship I would expect to know if a guy was dabbling in gay sex.
Ask! If you sleep with someone why can you not openly ask.
He may lie anyway but practise safe sex.

What a load of shit

Tbh I’ve never heard of two blokes who are just mates pushing beds together . Seems a bit weird. Trust your gut 99% of the time it’s spot on.